Defend Me

People always claim that Im mysterious. Aloof. Casual. Thats exactly how I want it. The less people really see, the easier it is to lie to them, to convince them that Im not a direct product of my upbringing and the world I grew up in.

I see everything that goes on around me. Learning someones strengths and weaknesses is second nature to me. Where Im from, everything is a game and the only acceptable outcome is to be the winner, even if you have to lie, manipulate, and give away parts of yourself.

Maybe thats why I feel empty everyday. But theyll never know because I have my shit together.

Until I didn’t.

I was ready to put off my future for a while and try to enjoy college.

Until I couldn’t.

I was committed to surface level relationships and was an expert at remaining unattached.

Until him.

He breaks through all my defenses and he doesnt even know hes doing it. Hes the calm in my storm, the moonlight above the dark pit inside of me. But I cant have him. Ill break him and I can never let that happen, even if it means denying myself the one thing Ive ever wanted enough to question my life, my parents, and their world.

I cant have him. Thats all that matters in the end.