Chapter 47
“Terror made me cruel.”
Brooks
The restaurant where I’m going to lose everything
“Kai, stop,” I repeated for the third time.
He didn’t slow until he reached a bench a few blocks away. I thought he’d sit on it, but he whirled around with furious eyes.
“What the fuck was that?” he demanded.
“I’m sorry. My mom’s trying to stir the pot.”
“That’s not a fucking mom. She’s a manipulative, cruel person who shouldn’t be allowed to leave her fancy house. Who does that to people?”
“There’s no excuse, I know.”
“I am so fucking angry right now. Sen ran , Brooks. He just texted and said he’s in an Uber. Without me. Do you understand what that means?”
“Yeah, I-”
“No, you don’t. He’s been better, learning to love himself because everyone around him does. When he’s upset, he lets me carry him. He used to cry every goddamn night and he tried to hide it, but now he wakes me up when he’s feeling like that. Sometimes, he gets scared when we’re in public and people can see us together, but he’s happy and he’s proud of being out. Everything I’ve done to make sure he survives just got shattered. I’m who he comes to when he needs to feel safe and he ran !”
I pressed the heels of my hands against my temples and shook my head.
“We just had a crisis with West,” he went on. “All that shit with his dad and Willow… Do you know how fragile everybody is right now? I can’t hold them all together, Brooks. Fuck!”
He dropped onto the bench and hung his head, gripping the back of his neck.
“Everything is fucked up,” he groaned, shaking his head back and forth. “I’m tired. My parents just left last weekend, my dad couldn’t say goodbye to me, and it hurts . I’ve had to live my entire life preparing to lose someone and I can’t be afraid of that with Sen too. I am so fucking tired.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. There weren’t enough times I could say it.
Sitting beside him, I took one of the hands that was on his neck. He let me hold onto it while he took a couple more minutes to fall apart. When he lifted his head, his eyes were glossy, but he’d expertly fashioned a mask of confidence.
Maybe this was part of why we all got along so well. All of us- me, Kai, Sen, and West- had things we’d learned to hide, pain we’d learned to live with. Even when we were empty shells, we knew how to act like everything was okay while the world went on, oblivious to the suffering of others.
“You should go,” I said. “You can take my car.”
He shook his head. “West and Linc are at the apartment. If he doesn’t show up at home, I have a tracker on his phone.”
“You… track him?”
“It’s for emergencies, and yes, he knows. I may have had a few nightmares about his parents coming to snatch him and send him to Dumont.”
“God. That’s horrible.”
“Yup. That’s what happens when you love someone.”
“Shit, Tilian is still in there. I have to go.”
He grabbed my wrist when I stood up. “I’m gonna finish breakfast with you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re sort of a useless lump when it comes to your mom and Tilian might piss himself.”
I frowned. “Be blunt, Kai.”
“Do you want her to find a way to fuck him up too? No, you don’t. So, I’m gonna sit my ass down, eat a bunch of food on her dime, and give you time to figure out how much your boyfriend is worth to you. Because if you don’t do something, you’ll lose him in one way or another. Hopefully, he’s not broken when it happens.”
He started toward the restaurant and I took a moment to breathe. I knew he was pissed right now and maybe lashing out a little. His words were harsh, but he wasn’t wrong.
Stand up to my mom? I’d never even considered doing it. I didn’t know how.
I returned to our table, still unsure how to proceed with this damn breakfast. I didn’t know if my mom had expected Kai to leave after what happened and I didn’t really care.
It also wasn’t entirely clear what the end game was. Did she want to break apart my relationships? What mom would want to do that?
Tilian raised a brow at me and I just shook my head.
“I’d like to make sure we’re on the same page,” I noted, folding my hands on the table to hide that they were shaking. “Tilian is my boyfriend and that’s not going to change. Kai is one of my closest friends and he’d like to finish breakfast with us. You need to respect them.”
My mom’s lips were pursed while I spoke. When she broke into a smile, my stomach constricted.
“Your friends are always welcome, Brooks. I’m sorry if I said something wrong earlier. Sen was obviously upset.”
Silence fell again and I stared at Tilian, trying to gauge where he was at.
“The relationships you build in college are so important,” she said. “You’re all going into very different fields of work. Eventually, you’ll go your separate ways. It’s always smart to protect your heart, of course, so make sure you remember that. As long as we’re…” she took a sip of her water and smiled again, “all on the same page about what’s important.”
If I gripped my glass any tighter, I’d shatter it. Surprisingly, it was Tilian who leaned forward.
“Just so we’re on the same page , Mrs. Elrod, what exactly are you trying to say?”
“Where do you want to go when you finish school?”
Tilian tried to hold her gaze, but when he couldn’t, he shifted it to me. I didn’t know how to respond either. We were supposed to talk about it later.
Looking away from him, I rolled a blueberry around on my plate. “We’ll talk about it when it’s time. It’s not something we have to discuss right away.”
“It is when you already know where you’re going. Two people have to align.” She turned to Tilian again. “You seem close to your family. Would you want to move all the way across the country when Brooks finishes law school?”
“I think that’s for us to decide,” he countered.
“Of course. I’m just making sure you’re prepared for what could happen. Brooks already knows what he’ll be doing, so the decision really just comes down to whether that’s the future you want, right?”
When she looked at me, I dropped my eyes to the table.
“Don’t avoid eye contact, Brooks. It makes you look weak.”
I lifted my gaze, meeting hers. We were locked in a stare off for a few minutes, but I didn’t know what good it would do. Realistically, it would accomplish nothing. I just needed to make a damn move.
“You don’t know everything,” I said before taking a fig from the platter on the table.
“Is that so?”
“I saw the way you looked at him, at his nails. You don’t think it fits with our image. Just like when I told you I’m pansexual, you said I should choose before I finish school. If I’m gay, it’s fine and vice versa.”
“What’s wrong with that? Everyone has a preference, whether they’ll admit it or not.”
“I can’t just choose what people I’m attracted to!” I whisper-yelled. “I’m pansexual . I don’t have a preference; it isn’t even a factor. What don’t you get about that?”
“The word pansexual leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths.”
“Tell them to get a fucking breath mint,” Kai said.
Tilian snorted and covered his mouth with a hand.
“The world is changing,” he went on. “Being your authentic self isn’t a negative thing and if people don’t like the words associated with something, they’re fighting a pointless battle. Whether you assign a word to it or not, pansexual people will still exist, just like trans people will still exist, gay people will still exist and…” He chewed on a fig as he looked at her. “Bad parents who masquerade abuse as love will still exist.”
I swallowed to push back my nausea. Everything he said made me want to hug him, yet I was frozen. Risking a glance at my mom, I saw the most polite smile on her face. She’d still be wearing it if she took her knife and slit all of our throats.
After she stared at him for a minute, she took a drink of her water. “Progressive thinkers are the way of the future; I agree with you. You’re a very astute person, Kai. The world is run by those who haven’t adopted those views yet. Like it or not, this is the way of things and Brooks knows that.”
Tilian shook his head. “Have you asked him?”
“I don’t have to.”
“The world will never accept the way things are if we don’t make it. The only way we change things is by being unafraid to speak our truths. Hiding because it’s uncomfortable or because people will turn their noses up at the idea of people existing as they were meant to doesn’t allow us to move forward.”
She just smiled and turned to me. “You think you know the game so well. Here’s how it really works. You can do all of these things under my name, but everything you have belongs to me and your father. You have not earned them for yourself yet. Your money, your connections, everything. You use the exact things that you try to claim don’t matter.”
“That’s not…”
“It’d be easy to pull some strings to help Tilian make a difference in the system. Friends in high places and access to resources might be just what he needs. On his own, he’ll just end up like most of the others in his field, no matter how much good he wants to do. For all of his passion and heart, he’s not assertive or dominant. Communication skills are essential to becoming successful, not to mention the barriers he’ll face to even get hired if he can’t pass a drug test.”
“Are you-” Tilian stopped himself, looking nothing less than shocked.
“ Mom . Stop.”
“I could do wonders for Kai,” she went on without missing a beat. “I know people who could help him to expand that business of his and spread his message of positivity about diversity, which let’s be honest, the world isn’t ready to truly listen to yet. I’ve also seen similar businesses be devastated by bad press. It’s worse if they come under fire and face lawsuits that they can’t afford to handle. There are always bigger players with more resources who can grow significantly faster and make the others irrelevant.
“And Sen, well, he has his work cut out for him enough as it is. If he can’t handle a simple comment about how his sexuality will be perceived in his field, I don’t think he’ll last a day among those people.”
Kai’s eyes were narrowed at her. Dropping info bombs was one thing. This was dirty on a level I didn’t think she’d be capable of, but I should’ve known. After everything I’d seen, I should have expected the worst.
I knew the world I came from was cruel. It was na?ve not to take that seriously enough.
I glared at my mom. “Really? You’re making threats?”
“No, I’m proving a point. You’re still a child who knows nothing about the real world and how much both money and power truly influence it. You think you have something here? You think you’re in love? Believe me, Brooks. This fun little game you’re playing here won’t last and it’ll only make things harder for you. You’ll get dragged down, you’ll keep making these mistakes, and your reputation will be in ruins. You’ve already started slipping and I’m worried it’ll only get worse.”
“I don’t know what you want me to do,” I said in a voice that was too small.
“Keep playing if you want, but you’ll be better off if you stop while you’re ahead. We raised you to be strong, Brooks. Is that what you are?”
“Yes…”
“Good. So, we all understand each other.”
Tilian stared at me, waiting for something, but I could barely breathe, let alone speak.
“Oh,” she said, sounding lighter now. “I spoke with Ms. Whitlock and she’s open to another conversation with you. Having her on your side is non-negotiable.”
“He’s not doing that,” Tilian snapped.
She raised a brow. “It’s just a conversation. This is what I mean, Brooks. You have responsibilities and anyone who cares about you will respect that.”
Kai sat up straighter. “Do you want to hear more about my family?”
“Sure, why not?”
“My dad has Alzheimer’s, far enough along that things are bad more often than they’re good. He’s had it for as long as I’ve been alive. He still clings to our relationship with everything he has, but when he can’t remember me, I try to be strong. A lot of the time, I fail, and I’m okay with that. I respect the hell out of him. He’s the best parent I’ve ever seen and nobody will ever compare. Maybe you should take notes.”
“Excuse me?”
“My boyfriend lived a life in hell. I’ll spare you the details, but the man you just disrespected- triggered - survived horrors at the hands of his parents because of his sexuality. And you threw it in his face without blinking. I’d put you right down there with his family, I think. The way they tried to rip him to pieces so that they could arrange him in the way they wanted him is exactly what you do to Brooks. I’ve seen that same hell in his eyes, but let’s be honest , you aren’t ready to truly listen to that yet. You probably never will because you’re the one who caused him to feel this way.”
Apparently, he’d had enough. He got to his feet and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Looking at me, he shrugged.
“Not sorry.”
Then, he was gone.
“Your friends are lovely,” my mom said sarcastically. “I like your boyfriend, though.”
“I don’t like you,” Tilian replied somewhat quietly, earning a surprised expression from her. He lifted his gaze and spoke louder. “You may not understand this, but above all else, what a family values most should be that everyone is happy. Mine’s not perfect, but I can unequivocally say that they’ve done their best. I can also say that we’ve never hurt anyone in the process to get where we are. My dad has done some major soul searching throughout his life and when it comes down to it, he’ll go to bat for all of us, and that includes against his congregation. Do you know how much courage that takes for a pastor to do? Make your threats. Follow through with them, even. None of us will get on our knees to satisfy whatever twisted ego you’ve developed.”
“Tilian,” I said, nudging his foot underneath the table.
He shook his head. “No. I’m not a people person and I don’t make big declarations where a whole restaurant of people can hear me, so try to understand how major this moment is, Mrs. Elrod. Do you know a single thing about your son, something that you haven’t planted in him? Do you know the things that live in his head and turn the silence into agony? I bet you don’t because he’s never felt safe enough to show you his pain, whereas he’s given it to me freely. You’re proof that love isn’t always patient and kind. Sometimes, it’s vicious and cruel.”
I was glad when the waiter came over because I didn’t want her to respond. Tilian’s words felt like pieces of encouragement that I needed to hear more than anything.
I’d do anything for him. I’d make sacrifices for him.
I felt the truth in that, so why did my tongue feel like lead every time I looked at my mom?