Defend Me

Chapter 48

“You kindled me heap of ashes that I am into fire.”

Brooks

I craved sound but now I’ve become the silence

The rest of dinner was awkward. My mom went on about what was going on at the firm, but neither of us actually listened. We shared looks, over and over, without really knowing what they meant.

He was waiting for me. I knew that. And I knew what I wanted. Him. That was it. But I was frozen, caught in this trap that had me pinned with no hope of escape unless I chewed off my own tail.

Once we pulled into the garage, I made my escape. My mom called after me, but I didn’t give a fuck about anything she had to say. I got in the elevator and hit the button before she made it to me. Her disapproving look as the doors closed was enough to make me stumble back into the wall once I was shut in.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Was I going to hyperventilate? I’d never had a panic attack before, but I thought this might be what it felt like.

Kai was waiting by the elevator when it let me out. I bypassed him and unlocked the door. Even when he followed me, I didn’t say anything.

What was there to say? I was failing, just like I knew I would. He’d stood up to my mom without missing a beat. For Sen. He did it for Sen and she didn’t even have any involvement in their life, so why couldn’t I do it for Tilian?

Failure. It was the bane that haunted me every minute of every day.

What was failure? I’d asked myself a thousand times since starting this relationship. If I followed my heart, I didn’t know what would happen. If I listened to my mom, I’d lose him. Wasn’t that failure too?

Like failure and perfection, these things were mutually exclusive, and I hated that.

I leaned my hands on the counter and took a deep breath. It didn’t feel like it carried any oxygen.

“Where’s Sen?” I asked.

“Bedroom with Tilian.”

The door opened and he walked out, arms crossed over his chest. Just seeing him made my eyes burn. The way he looked at me wasn’t like it had been when we were about to leave for Portland.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Tilian asked.

“She’s… I didn’t know it would be that bad.”

“Don’t apologize for her. But, Brooks, this isn’t gonna get better. You need to do something.”

“I’m trying.”

“I don’t want to rush you, but you don’t get to choose the timeline anymore. It’s here and now. What are you going to do?”

“We’re supposed to make these decisions together,” I reminded him.

He scoffed. “How am I involved in this decision? Like she said, your future is determined. The only thing for me to do is decide if I’m going to follow you. Nothing I want actually matters. I don’t see ‘together’ in that.”

“We’ll figure it out.” I didn’t know who I was trying to convince at this point. “Let’s just go. We can go on our vacation just like we planned.”

“Are you serious? You can’t stand up to her? I don’t want to be a dick because I know this is really hard, but Kai stood up for Sen and I stood up for you . It wasn’t even a decision because I choose you. Over and over again. In front of her, the whole school, in front of fucking God. Now, it’s your turn.” He wrapped his arms around himself, making him look small. “To stand up for us. For… me.”

“You knew they wouldn’t like it,” Kai pointed out. “And you said you’d deal with that. You said you wouldn’t let them take this away from you. Was that a lie?”

“No,” I replied. “I was preparing, figuring it out in my head so I’d be ready.”

“Look, man, you’ve gotta do something. I hate to see either of you like this. And, what happened with Sen aside, I can’t stand to see her get what she wants. She’s going to take everything away from you.”

“I know, I just don’t know how to do this.”

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been fearless about everything. Why not now?”

“My mom…” I swiped my hands down my face to hide the way I was trembling. I couldn’t even find an answer to his question. There was just this cement block holding the door closed, keeping me from coming out to face her while she set everything on fire. “It’s harder with her. Maybe when my dad gets here.”

Tilian paced to the window. When he turned back around, he looked angry. Really angry.

I moved closer to him. “Baby.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.”

“You and me. That’s what I choose.”

“But she doesn’t know that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” he snapped. “I don’t know that you’ll actually stay with me.”

I took his face in my hands, imploring him to look at me, to see how I felt about him. “I will.”

“You’re still listening to all of her bullshit. You’re too scared to claim what you want.” He turned his head and I dropped my hands. “I don’t believe that you’ll put your foot down, now or in the future.”

“I will,” I repeated. “Please believe me.”

“I don’t trust you!” he shouted. His eyes shone with tears, but he blinked, refusing to let them fall.

Taking a step back, I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn’t. His words hit me so hard that I thought I might fall apart right here.

“You… don’t trust me?”

“How can he, Brooks?” Sen asked from just outside the room. I looked at him and he shrugged, his face blank. “All I hear are words, but they don’t mean anything if your actions contradict them. Kai and West stepped up to protect me at every opportunity and I never asked them to. Tilian is asking. And if you can’t give that to him, then he deserves better.” He turned and disappeared into the room again.

The front door opened and my mom stepped inside. She regarded each of us as if she knew what was going on. What she’d caused. What I’d caused.

Tilian tried to move past me, but I grabbed onto his arm. When he tried to shake me off, I held on tighter and dropped my forehead to rest against his.

“Please wait,” I whispered. He shook his head. “Please, baby. I know you don’t trust me. Just give me a minute and wait for me. I’m making a promise to you right now, okay? This is one of those things.”

Kai came up beside us and tugged on Tilian’s other arm. He led him into the bedroom and once the door shut, I felt both afraid and brave. When I looked at my mom, I wavered, but I thought about that look on Tilian’s face.

I hurt him, which I always feared I would do, but I wasn’t going to let myself do it again. Just like Kai told me, we couldn’t control everything, so I had to guide the things that I could. Choosing him was a conscious decision, as was standing up to my mom.

We can’t change that we’re afraid of something, but some things are worth taking risks for.

I didn’t have to be fearless. He was worth every risk.

“No,” I said, forcing myself to stand straight, reminding myself who I was.

She tapped her fingers on the counter. “No, what?”

“No, I’m not leaving him. Not now. And if we’re still together in five years, I’m not leaving then either.”

“Brooks, you’re not thinking. You’re feeling rebellious.”

“Maybe I am. I think it’s given me the courage to start coming through for the people I care about. Not everything is about work, Mom.”

“Work? This is your entire future.”

“And my personal life has less bearing on it than you think. Anyone who doesn’t like what I do can fuck off. Isn’t this my decision, just like it was with Holly?”

She huffed and began to pace the length of the kitchen. When she looked at her phone, she seemed relieved.

“Your dad is on his way from the airport.”

My gut clenched. I thought it would be easier if it was him, but not together. If they ganged up on me, it was going to be harder, but I could do it. For him.

It wasn’t even a big deal. Tilian put his foot down at the restaurant and I knew how much it took for him to do that. My parents had made work and their lifestyle more important than anything else. I didn’t want to live that way, especially if I had to let go of all the things that made me happy.

We waited in agonizing silence for almost thirty minutes. It was awkward and I just wanted it to be over.

Finally, my dad walked in the door. He wore a bright smile when he looked at me and I would’ve returned it if I was able to. The tension reached him and his brow furrowed as he looked back and forth between us.

“What happened?”

“We’re talking about Brooks’ decisions,” Mom said in a monotone.

“Are you doing drugs, Brooks?” he teased. The joke didn’t land, which made him frown. “Okay, the two of you have been at odds for months now. I think it’s time we talk about it.”

I shook my head and leaned back against the window. “We disagree. But to her, that means trying to force me into agreeing with her completely.”

“Can you find a middle ground?”

“She’s not meeting me in the middle!” I shouted, waving my hand toward her. “She won’t budge on anything, so let’s be real here. I have to meet her exactly where she’s at, even when it hurts me.”

The expression on his face betrayed his surprise at my outburst. He moved further into the room, closer to me than her.

“You keep refusing to tell me what’s going on. I know that you’re very smart, but you’re young and I’m sure it’s hard to take what your parents say seriously.”

I scoffed. “This isn’t about thinking I know better.”

“Then, tell me what it’s about.”

“Changing! I don’t want to change. You want me to keep making myself smaller while I replace all these pieces of myself with what you guys want. It’s always been that way and I didn’t ever let myself think it didn’t have to be. If I keep going, I’ll be just what you want, but then what’s left of me? I don’t want to lose who I am, Dad. And I don’t want to pretend.”

“Pretend? What are you pretending?”

“That I want to be like you. Like her .”

“Alright.”

He motioned for me to come closer, so I reluctantly did. My mom had been quiet the whole time, just staring at me with obvious disappointment on her face.

“Tell me what happened,” he demanded. “Now.”

“I don’t want to,” I admitted softly.

“Ava?”

“He’s dating and he thinks his boyfriend is more important than his future.”

My dad’s brows drew down. “You have a boyfriend?”

I nodded. “We’ve been together for a month.”

My mom scoffed. “A month. This is what I’m saying. You’re making declarations as if this is the rest of your life. You’re eighteen years old, Brooks.”

“I know what I want.”

“You’re a child! We spoiled you too much and you think that you should have everything you want, every passing fancy, even if it’s bad for you.”

“Why don’t you like him?” I shouted back.

“It’s not about liking or disliking him. I think Tilian is lovely and what he wants to do with his life is noble- respectable, even. But how does that align with your future?”

“I don’t fucking care. He’s more important than that and I won’t make him bend to accommodate my job. I’ll twist everything else in my life to put him first.”

When it was silent for a few minutes, my dad looked at me. “You didn’t tell us.”

“It’s none of your business.”

His face pinched. The look in his eyes made me drop my gaze.

“You could’ve told me,” he said. “Just because we’re across the country doesn’t mean we can’t share the good things with each other. But…” He looked at my mom, then at me again. “I don’t understand why you’re fighting about this.”

My mom came up beside him, making it look like they were united against me. “He thinks this can last.”

“Why can’t it?”

Her eyes widened for just a second before she smoothed her expression. “He’s eighteen, Noah. He hasn’t even finished a single year at college and he’s losing his focus. He doesn’t know what he wants.”

“I know what I want,” I argued.

“Okay.” My dad held his hands up and looked at me. “Tell me what you want.”

“I want Tilian. I want to be an attorney without selling my soul. I want to put justice above everything else. I want to keep my fucking hair .”

“Your hair…” Dad repeated.

“Fuck this.” I took my hair down and shook my head a few times. “You can fuck off with all of your standards and expectations . If that’s how it’s gonna be, I’ll do this shit on my own.”

“Brooks, wait,” Dad interrupted.

“No. You might think it isn’t a big deal, and I didn’t either, but I see it now. I don’t care about this image anymore. You want to find all the ways I don’t fit?”

I lifted my shirt to show them the tattoo on my hip. After kicking off my shoes, I pointed at the one on my foot, then showed him the wheel on my rib. The purple spokes made my heart feel like it was beating again and I wanted to kick myself for waiting so long to do this.

“What are these?” Dad asked.

“Tattoos. Imperfections. My boyfriend thinks these ones are a problem because I did them myself. I still don’t really see that, but whatever. He drew this one and took me to get it done because he cares that much.” I touched my ribs. “You should see the one on my thigh. I finished it after I slept with Ms. Whitlock.”

“Holly? You slept with her? Brooks, what the fuck?”

I pointed at my mom. “She wanted me to. That is why I’m angry. That’s what made me start to see all the fucked up things this world is about. I don’t want it. Do you know how disgusted I am with myself? I hate what I’ve done; I hate the fact that I touched Holly; I hate looking at myself with my hair down; I hate what I’ve become. I hate how much worse I could be. I hate myself .”

“God damnit. Brooks…” He stared at me for a second, then swiped a hand down his face. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Why would I?”

“Because I’m your father.”

“And she’s my mom. Obviously, being a parent doesn’t guarantee that you want what’s best for me. I’m a pawn in a game I never got a choice in playing.”

“Let’s back up,” Mom suggested. “We’re all feeling heated right now. Brooks, I love you and I’m just trying to prepare you. It’s not about you dating. If you want to be with Tilian, then be with him, but you have to stay focused and you need to think about the reality of your future. Do you think this is what’s best for him in the long run? Do you want to get attached when you know that the chance of you having the same future is so slim?”

I shook my head viciously. Her words were like knives right now. I couldn’t listen to any of them, not after everything that had happened.

Suddenly, her hand touched my arm. I shook her off and had to fight the urge to push her away. She looked stunned by my reaction.

“Honey-”

“Fuck you.”

“Brooks,” Dad scolded.

“Fuck you too. Fuck all of this. I’m sorry that I can’t live up to your expectations, but I’m done.” I drew in a shuddering breath and didn’t attempt to fight the burn in my eyes or the way my voice cracked. “I just have to be done. I’m choosing Tilian in front of you, in front of the gods, and most importantly, in front of him. If you consider that damning myself, then I’m damned.”

He stared at me with pursed lips. “I need you to give us a minute.”

I was too tired to argue or ask why, so I turned around and walked toward the bedroom door. As soon as I stepped inside, Tilian took me in his arms. We sat on the bed and he guided my head onto his lap. Sen scooted closer and laid his head on my stomach while Kai did the same on his like we were in some wonky game of Chickenfoot.

“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, I am,” Tilian replied. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I should’ve trusted you. I do trust you.”

“You were right to question me. I didn’t trust myself either. I would’ve caved.”

Sen squeezed my arm. “You’re strong, Brooks.”

“No, I’m not, but you guys make me feel strong.” I looked up at Tilian and touched his lips. “You make me feel more powerful than anything else ever could.”

“Thank you,” he whispered. “For choosing me. I heard you.”

“‘If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave.’ Remember?”

After he nodded, I closed my eyes, finally feeling more relaxed. When raised voices reached me from the kitchen, I tensed again. Tilian curled over me as if he could shield me from anything that tried to come for me.

“ What the fuck are you thinking, Ava? ”

“ I’m trying to help him. ”

“ You’re trying to control him. And what’s this about cutting his hair? I’ve never told him he needs to cut his fucking hair! ”

I sucked in a breath and Tilian ran his fingers through the strands again.

He didn’t know? Had he ever actually said anything about it? I couldn’t even remember. My mom mentioned it all the time. She had to have said it around him at some point. But how many times were we together at the same time? Dinner once in a while but not often. Vacation, but they were often working then too, shut away in offices. I went off and did my own thing, met the locals, and whatnot.

Nothing made sense anymore.

“It’s unprofessional,” Mom said, sounding dismissive. “We have an image. In our firm, he’s expected to match that, just like everyone else. What client is going to look at him and not make an initial judgment? It’s an unavoidable response.”

“ It’s hair! And it’s our firm. If I say it’s professional, then it is, and everyone can fuck off. How can you ask him to change? How could you tell him to sleep with a faculty member? ”

“ We’ve done worse to get where we are .”

“ We have ,” Dad agreed. “ That’s not the point. We were both second-generation immigrants with hardly any money and that was our burden, not his. Wasn’t the point of building our business to make sure that he doesn’t have to do those things? We sacrificed so we could get here. We took that on for him. Now, we’ve failed him. ”

“ You’re being dramatic. ”

“ If you think that, then I’ve been blind for twenty-nine years. Do you not see what this has done to him? ”

“ He’ll be okay. We made him strong. ”

“ We broke him! He’s not supposed to be broken! Did you see his face? It’s breaking my goddamn heart right now. When has Brooks ever cried, Ava?”

“I’m sorry! I just want him to be prepared.”

“And Holly?”

“Okay, that was a mistake. I can see that. We can do better and it’ll be okay.”

“Were you okay, Ava? I remember the times you cried in college, how sick you got during that internship, getting harassed by Paul, but you couldn’t afford to lose your position. But it’ll be okay, huh?”

“ Look at me, ” she replied. “ I’m still standing. ”

“ Yeah, at one time, I thought it was because you’re strong. Now, I see that you lost a part of yourself along the way. ”

“ God damnit, Noah. How do you not care about what he’s doing? ”

“ Because the only time he didn’t look in pain was when he put his foot down for his boyfriend. He’s my son and he’s supposed to be happy. I’m not letting Brooks turn into this. I’m not letting him feel the way he does right now. He’s beautiful. Beautiful. And you’re too fucking blind to see it. Power has gone to your head. ”

“ Calm down.

“Remember when your dad would tell Brooks stories about Mā ori culture because he didn’t want his family to forget it, even after they moved here? That’s when he stopped cutting his hair. Your parents would be sick to see what we’ve turned into.”

“Don’t try to tell me what they would think.”

“Then open your fucking eyes and see it for yourself. I’m disgusted by this, Ava. I feel like I don’t know who the hell you are anymore.”

“We can discuss it later. ”

“ You’re right. We can talk about it at the hotel, which I think you should go to now. ”

“ Noah- ”

“ I need to talk to my son. ”

It was silent, then I heard the front door slam. Knowing he was going to come to the room, I buried my face in Tilian’s stomach. He stroked his fingers through my hair and didn’t stop, even when there was a knock on the door.

I was tired, but I had to do this. Using the back of my hand to wipe away the tears that had escaped, I got to my feet.

“I’ll be back.”