Chapter 49
“I have been bent and broken, but— I hope— into a better shape.”
Brooks
With the one I should’ve turned to all along
As I walked out of the room, I stared at the floor. I was tempted to crawl in bed and put a blanket over my head instead. Better yet, I might hold my head underwater until the bubbles stop.
When it buzzed, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw texts in our group chat.
Tilian: You’re Brooks fucking Elrod. Chin up.
Kai: Get your shit together.
Sen: Cheering you on from the stands.
Linc: I have no fucking idea what’s happening, but go Brooks?
West: Can I get some praise too?
Kai: No.
Sen: No.
Tilian: No?
Linc: You’re literally in my lap right now.
I laughed through the tightness in my chest. It took effort, but I raised my gaze and held myself higher on the way to the kitchen. As soon as I did it, the position was easy. It was natural for me, but it felt different now. Better.
My dad was standing in front of the island with his hands on it. He watched me and it was impossible to decipher what was in his expression. Despite what I’d overhead between him and my mom, I was afraid to face this situation. At this point, I had no idea what to expect.
I thought about sitting, but it made me feel like a scolded child, so I matched his position on the other side of the island. Crossing my ankles, I gripped the edge of the counter to hold myself together.
“Brooks.”
Gritting my teeth, I looked at him. It made me feel torn. In front of me, I saw my dad, but things had changed so much in a short time. When my mom was in his place, she might as well have been a stranger. Right now, he was in this gray zone that could go either way.
“Let’s just get it over with,” I suggested. “Shit can’t get any worse today.”
“We’re not doing that. We’re going to sit and talk like adults.”
“Oh.”
When I started to sit in a barstool, he shook his head and grabbed two beers from the fridge. After he opened them, he jerked his chin toward the patio.
“I’m not going to ask how you have these,” he said as he passed one to me.
“Probably a good idea.”
It was cold outside but not unbearably. We silently moved over to the plush chairs and sat down. While I waited, I brought the beer to my lips and took a long drink. It felt like a six-pack kind of day, but that was bound to turn into a crying in the bathtub kind of night.
“I’m disappointed,” he said finally.
Fuck.
I brought my feet up onto the chair as I stared out at the water. Somehow, I found the view significantly better when it was overcast like this. When I first moved to Seattle, I’d sit out here to think or, sometimes, to stop thinking. With every day that passed, though, the quiet got worse. From up here, the sounds from below were so far away. Being outside should come with noise, in my opinion.
“I’m sorry,” I said without inflection.
“No. We’re talking openly. Me and you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You see me, I see you, and we have an unambiguous conversation. Got it?”
I shifted in my seat so that I could see him. He didn’t look as blank now, but it didn’t help me read him. Still, I nodded.
“What have you been doing, Brooks?”
“That’s ambiguous,” I pointed out. My lips twitched a little and so did his.
“Okay, smartass. Tell me about your classes.”
“My classes?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Um…” I licked my lips, cursing myself for using that damn word again. I must’ve adopted it from Tilian. “I’m taking three and they’re kind of boring. Except sociology. That’s my favorite.”
“Why?”
“We’re doing a big project throughout the semester. It’s a lot of work, but I really like it.”
“Any other reason?”
I smiled a little. “It’s me, Tilian, and two other guys in the group.”
“Tilian is your boyfriend, right?”
“Yeah. And it’s not just because I get to be around him. We’ve all brought something to it and it’s become so much deeper than I would’ve expected. I actually look forward to working on it and it feels like I’m doing something good.”
“That’s great. School shouldn’t only be about work and good grades. What are you getting up to outside of class?”
“Anarchy.” When he sighed, I found myself laughing. “No, that’s Tilian’s territory. Outside of class, I hang out with my friends. There are a lot of them, but the ones I care about most are Sen, Kai, and West. He’s dating Linc now and he’s cool too. I went to a lot of football games before the season ended.”
“And now?”
“Lately, we watch a lot of movies and eat popcorn with a super unhealthy amount of butter on it. We eat way too much Thai food, but we might start running more, so that’s good. We went for a really long drive not too long ago. Just got in the car and drove nearly to Canada, then turned around and ended up watching the sunset from this random place we found on a hill. It was simple, but I think it was one of my favorite days.”
He didn’t look away from me the entire time I talked. I didn’t even realize how long I’d gone on for until I finished. Clearing my throat, I pulled my dab pen from my pocket.
“Since you’re already disappointed and all that.”
“You’ll be the death of me, but you’re eighteen, so it doesn’t really matter what I think. You never put that much effort into hiding it and I trust you to be smart. I’d rather you smoke than drink too much. Are you doing that?”
“No. Socially and even then, it’s not much.”
“Good. If that was another thing we had to deal with, I might need a stiffer drink.” After he drained his beer, he set the bottle on the ground. “Tell me about Holly.”
The alcohol soured in my stomach. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“We’re being real here, Brooks. You’re an adult and you make your own decisions, but you’re still my son. That’s a balance we clearly haven’t figured out yet. That’s partly my fault, but I want to get there and we can’t do that unless we talk. Is that what you want to do?”
With a nod, I inhaled until my chest ached. Then, I launched into the story I didn’t want to tell him. I started with my first meeting in Holly’s office followed by the one when I turned down her advances. When I got to the conversation with my mom, it was hard to look at him. It was worse when I told him that I’d followed through. Since we were being open and honest, I made sure to tell him how I felt after and about the breakdown I had. I recalled how Tilian was always there for me despite how I’d treated him and that he helped me work through it. He made me feel safe enough to talk to him.
We sat in silence for a while after I finished. It was unbearable but so was the possibility of him saying anything. Even though I didn’t feel sick about the situation anymore, there was a lingering sense of shame.
“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” I asked softly.
“I am.”
Looking away from him, I nodded. It was stupid that my lip started to tremble. Those words were one of my greatest fears. Neither of my parents had ever told me they were disappointed in me. 2025 seemed to be the year of firsts, both good and terrible.
My dad sighed and leaned over to lay his hand on mine. “I’m disappointed, but I can’t blame you. The first time, you made the right call and I’m proud of you for that. I wish you would’ve stuck with that decision regardless of what your mom said.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I blame her more for that. She never should’ve let you feel like that was okay. We raised you to be strong so that you could stand up for what’s right, not so that you could sink into the dark side of things. I never wanted it to be something you had to fight to survive.”
“How was I supposed to know that’s what you wanted, Dad? I thought I was meant to be like you guys. I always wanted to be. This is a world you raised me in- the money and the types of people you’re involved with.”
“You’re right. Apparently, me and your mom have different ideas about things. A lot different. To be honest, Brooks, we don’t spend much time talking anymore.”
“What do you mean?” When it was clear he’d brush it off, I added, “We’re being real. Like adults.”
With a sigh, he leaned back in his seat. “I love your mother, but work will always be her baby. It’s been like that since we were in college, and I used to admire her for it. We worked hard to get where we are. Neither of our parents had much money, so we put in the hours and through that and many strokes of luck, we made it here. She’s never stopped, though. She works more hours than I do, which is already too fucking many. I care about what we’ve built and I certainly can’t say that all of my cases have been in pursuit of justice or that I haven’t done my fair share of bad things. I have no claim on morality, Brooks, but I do have hard limits. You are one of them. We should’ve protected you better. I should’ve known more about what was going on. For that, I’m sorry.”
I blinked away the blurriness in my vision. “I didn’t tell you.”
“It doesn’t matter. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t push it. All these years, I didn’t recognize how you were affected. I didn’t even know about the hair.”
“It’s just hair.”
“It’s something you love, which is why I care. I’m so angry about everything that’s happened. I should’ve been better and so should she. All I can do is work on finding this balance with you and hope that you want that too.”
“Of course I want that. But…” I glanced at the ground briefly before looking at him again. “What about Mom?”
“She loves you, Brooks.”
“No, I know she does. But where we’re at right now, I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”
“She doesn’t know how to separate the different areas in her life. And as much as I hate it, unless she can figure that out and choose what’s most important, I’m not sure what’ll happen either. I wish I could fix that. Me and her have a very long conversation ahead of us.”
“I don’t want you to fight because of me.”
He met my eyes before he spoke again. “It’s about what we did, not you. These things and the ways they’ve affected you are significant. Maybe we’ll heal or maybe we won’t, but whatever happens between us isn’t your fault. You understand?”
I nodded, not trusting my voice right now. It felt like my fault anyway.
If I hadn’t let having sex with Holly get to me… If I hadn’t let these feelings for Tilian grow… If I’d kept it all to myself…
“Let’s talk about the tattoos,” he went on.
I traced the duck on my foot with a small smile. “What about them?”
“I like the duck. But…” My smile faltered with the shift in his tone. “You’re not doing this anymore.”
“They’re just tattoos.”
“It’s not about the ink, Brooks. Get all the tattoos you want as long as they’re not on your face. This is dangerous.”
“I was always safe about it.”
“I’m serious. It’s a relief that your boyfriend cares and tries to help you. If you ever feel the need to do that, you talk to me or Tilian. Someone. You might think it isn’t a problem, but it’s about the feeling that drives you to do it. It may be under control now, but it could escalate later. I know you’re smart as hell, so please, try to see what I’m saying.”
Still tracing the lines of the tattoo, I nodded. Those negative feelings were still coming in at intervals.
Disappointment. Failure. Imperfect.
“How much does what happened with Holly affect you?”
“I’m fine.”
“ Brooks .”
My nostrils flared as I fought the emotions I’d been working through all this time. “It was bad. Really bad. I was afraid and… sick. She came here after, looking for me, but I wasn’t home, so she talked to Tilian. I was so scared after that.”
He shifted the chair closer and gripped my hand. “Are you still scared?”
“I don’t think so. I’m not scared of her. If she tried anything, I’m stronger than her, obviously. I could punch her in the face. But I do kind of worry about seeing her or that she’ll show up again. I look both ways when I’m in the hallway…”
It felt pathetic to tell him all of this. I still didn’t understand how it affected me this much.
“Okay,” he began. “I know you don’t want to keep talking about it, but you need to tell me if you said no or showed any sign that you didn’t want to do it while you were there.”
“I can’t remember.” I thought about the video. If I watched it, I could know for sure, but the thought made me nauseous and I didn’t want him to know about it, even if he was trying to help. “But I did try to leave. I think I said that I needed to get home, but she brought up the program, so I… stayed.”
He nodded slowly, looking calm when I knew he wasn’t. “I want to drive over there and make her entire world fall apart, get her fired, ruin her reputation, and label her as a sex offender.”
I cringed at the word. Tilian had gotten close to saying something similar. I hadn’t wanted to hear it then and I didn’t want to now.
“But,” he went on, “I’m not going to make that decision for you, as much as I want to. Your choices, even ones like this, are yours. I can help you figure out what you want to do, but ultimately, what we do about it is up to you.”
“I don’t want to do anything. Well, maybe if she wasn’t at Harmon I’d feel better, but not if I have to say what happened. Can you find a way to make her leave without bringing that into it?”
His smile made me feel a little better, even if it was a little malicious. “I have ways to get rid of everyone we associate with, just in case.”
“Yeah, I don’t know why I asked. Thank you, Dad.”
“I’ll do anything for you, Brooks. You’ve been through too much. I know you’ll hate this, but I do think you should talk to someone who can help you work through these things. It’s your decision,” he added quickly. “Think about it, talk to your boyfriend and see what he thinks. He’s the one who knows the most about what you’re experiencing.”
“Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Good. Let’s grab another beer.”
As soon as I stood up, my nostrils flared. I looked down at my trembling hands, then started to shove them into my pockets. My dad caught them and pulled me closer. His arms came around my shoulders and mine circled his waist.
Tears fell from my eyes as I leaned my head against his chest. It wasn’t a sob or a breakdown this time. It was a release that felt damn good, even though I still wanted to pull myself together so that nobody would see it.
“I love you,” he said. “More than anything. And I’m proud of you. I’ll be proud of you no matter what you do.”
“Even if I start doing drugs?”
He pulled back with a laugh that sounded more exasperated than amused. “No, not for the drugs, but even then, I’ll be proud of you because you’re my son and I know you’re so full of goodness. You can always talk to me. Please talk to me, Brooks.”
“Okay.”
With a small nod, he straightened his shirt and headed into the apartment. He slid a beer across the island, then looked at the bedroom door.
“Who’s in there?”
“Tilian, Sen, and Kai.”
“I want to meet them.”
“I don’t…”
“Now.”
“Fucking hell. I thought the day was starting to look up. If you pull any threatening dad shit, I’ll jump off the balcony.”
“I’m glad to see I raised you to be a forward thinker.”