Chapter 29
Tilian
Did I tell Brooks I’d let him know if I was going to the party? Yes, I did. I hadn’t, however, followed through with that.
Apparently, it didn’t matter because he was standing outside my door, twirling his keys around his finger. Neither of us had said anything. I was still processing the fact that he was here right now and looked too beautiful for his own good.
“What’s up?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Well, I was thinking. The country is in debt, our political prospects are trash, and by the time we’re old, the retirement age will probably be seventy-five. It’d be irresponsible of us to exacerbate the climate crisis on top of all that.” When I didn’t respond, he leaned against the doorframe. “I’m saying that we should carpool.”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“Cool. You just like hearing me talk then.”
“That’s not something you do.”
His lips thinned. “Right. It’s something I want to do, though.”
My heart beat too fast while I stared at him. I wanted to talk, of course, but I’d been trying to allow myself some distance. The problem that always came about was that when we were together, I abandoned my own convictions. With a look, he could get me to do this again and again, so I needed to get it sorted in my head first.
“I’m not ready to talk yet,” I said.
He looked surprised by that. “Oh. Why not?”
“Because, Brooks, I’m tired. After thinking about it over the past week, I realized that this back and forth is fucking me up.”
When his gaze dropped to the floor, I had to force myself to stand my ground. Dean always said I need to do more of that.
“Yeah,” he said after a while. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Um, we can carpool if you want, I guess.”
“It’s cool. I’m not sure if I’m gonna go, actually.”
“Brooks…”
He pushed his hands into his pockets, which he usually did when he was trying to hide his tension.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Tilian.”
“I told you I’m stronger than that. I just want you to be happy. Maybe… Maybe there’s someone who can make you happy.”
His brow furrowed. When he stepped forward, his hand raised to my face, but he didn’t touch me. After a second, he dropped it to his side.
“I wish there was.”
“Maybe we should start Operation Find Brooks Someone To Love,” I joked.
“Is that what you want, to find me someone… else?”
“Yeah, you deserve it.”
“So, do you think I should go to this party and see if there’s anyone I’m interested in?”
I swallowed hard. “Totally.”
“Alright, let’s go.”
“What?”
“You said we could carpool.”
“I thought you weren’t going.”
He shrugged, looking so casual it was almost unnerving. “It couldn’t hurt. Besides, it’s a party. I’m sure I’ll meet someone interesting to take home.”
He turned and headed down the hall, leaving me staring after him. I wanted to yell, to ask him if that was actually his plan. I wanted to kiss him and hold him so close that he couldn’t possibly fall apart.
It didn’t feel like my place, and I was the one who wasn’t ready to talk. Was this part of what he wanted to discuss? Moving on, staying friends, and fucking other people as if our hands weren’t all over each other just a week ago.
I wasn’t chasing him anymore, so I guess we’d just move forward.
“Coming?” he called behind him.
Quickly, I settled a beanie over my messy hair and pulled on a cropped sweatshirt, just short enough to show my hip bones and a strip of my stomach. It had nothing to do with the fact that he’d mentioned I had the waist for something like this while he devoured me with his eyes.
When I caught up to him, he glanced at me for only a second. I never thought I’d miss being under his keen gaze, being perceived by the only person who made it feel less like a nightmare and more like a dream.
*****
I’d parted ways with Brooks as soon as we got to the frat house. It was a party and I didn’t want to feel gloomy the whole time, which was why I was in the dining room that smelled like Hempfest.
Like the antisocial butterfly that I was, I’d claimed a corner to avoid all the people who got super talkative when they smoked. I tucked myself into it, leaning against the wall while I simply observed.
Linc and West were talking in the kitchen and it didn’t look like they were at each other’s throats. Maybe they’d become friends now. It was impossible not to notice how gorgeous Linc was. He was wearing a beanie, which was hot as hell on him. I thought about going up to him and making a joke about us matching because I was wearing one too, but that was stupid.
When West looked around, Linc noticeably checked him out. His eyes stayed on him the whole time.
A girl came up and started talking to them excitedly. There was no doubt that she was related to West. Both had shimmering black hair, pale skin, and the bluest eyes known to man. I was convinced they had Fae blood in them or something.
Moving on from them, I saw Brooks talking to some guy I’d never seen before. He was smiling and laughing, having a grand time. The guy was aggressively gay, which was a term I’d never use if I wasn’t feeling sort of bitchy right now. It pissed me off more that his hair was blonde. I was pretty sure it was dyed, though, so fuck him.
I pulled out my phone and started scrolling through Instagram. My party mood was nonexistent at this point and I considered getting an Uber home, but I figured I’d get violently high on free weed before I did that.
There was a commotion in the living room that almost made me leave my corner. It was a frat party, though, so it was probably some dumb drama.
A text came in from my brother, which was almost enough to lift my mood.
Alex: Miranda wants u to bring Brooks on Saturday.
Mood unlifted.
Tilian: I’m not enough? Lol
Alex: No.
Tilian :
Alex: She said and I quote: Brooks is cooler and more interesting than Tilian. Let’s adopt him and disown ur brother.
Tilian: Ok, stop being a little shit. I’m not bringing him.
Alex: But I like him. Aren’t u bfs or something?
Tilian: No, he’s not my boyfriend.
Alex: U fucked it up, huh?
I hated teenagers. Wasn’t the older sibling supposed to torment the younger one? Alex was a menace.
It had been, like, an hour, although I wasn’t completely sure because time had stopped existing a while ago. I had another joint, so I lit it and decided that I’d head home once it burned out.
“Have a shot with me,” West demanded.
Where the fuck did he come from? He was standing in front of me with a manic look on his face. Bright smile, bright eyes, and energy that I could feel trying to claw its way into my veins.
“You’re high as fuck, aren’t you?” he asked.
I laughed and nodded. “Just a bit. Uh, a shot?”
Instead of answering, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. I’d interacted with him a few times, but we hadn’t talked much. We were polar opposites in the personality department. It was kind of weird that he’d targeted me. Maybe his friends were busy.
“Hell, it’s a party,” he said as he poured us each two shots of tequila.
“Aren’t you too young for these?”
“Gonna turn me in, Tilian?”
“Absolutely. You’re practically a baby.”
“Ha. Ha,” he mocked. “Your taunts bounce right off me, bud. It’s because of these abs of steel.”
“Ah, so you’re delusional too.”
“Okay,” he drawled, grinning like a maniac. “He has snark. And here I thought you just stood in dark corners looking like a school shooter.”
I scoffed. “Pretty sure those jokes aren’t allowed.”
“Good thing it’s just me and you.”
I hummed my agreement before I took one of the shots. I hated tequila with a passion, but I could handle it. A gag reflex was for suckers.
“Why am I getting dragged into drinks?” I asked.
“Cause I want to see what makes you tick. Sen likes you and…” He cleared his throat, then shrugged. “You seem chill to be around. Maybe I need some of that in my life.”
“I recommend yoga. Pretty sure you can’t be tamed by the likes of me.”
“Tamed?” He let out a bark of laughter. “I’d rather die. I’m a machine, always going, going, going. Quick on my feet, baby.”
“You’re impossibly fast and strong,” I said before snorting a laugh.
He knocked back a shot, still grinning. I took my second one before he finished and leveled him with a challenging look. Leaning his elbows on the counter, he gnawed on his lip for a minute. I poured another drink and slid one over to him while I waited for him to say what was on his mind. I didn’t think it was often that West thought about what he said before it came tumbling out.
“You’ve fucked a guy, right?”
I choked on the tequila and barely managed to get it down. He just continued to stare at me. Fuck, I was actually gonna have to humor him here.
“Yeah, that’s sort of how it goes. Why?”
He shrugged. “Just wondering how gay it is.”
Putting a hand over my mouth, I tried not to laugh. “How gay is it to fuck a guy? As an expert on the subject, I’d say it’s pretty far up there, dude. Did you fuck a guy?”
He waved a dismissive hand. “I have tons of curiosities up in this gourd. You should know that.”
“I think the world knows it.”
I leaned my hip against the counter and took the shot he handed me. At this rate, I would ride out the night drunk as a sailor. I didn’t really mind anymore.
West blew out a breath as he stared into the crowd. “I’m gonna go work the rizz. Wanna come?”
“Nah. Go bless the people of Seattle with West Densmore.”
“Fuck yeah.”
He sauntered smoothly into the living room as if he hadn’t just taken four shots in the span of ten minutes. Maybe he’d throw up on the floor when they hit him. It’d be kind of funny.
I saw Linc leaning against the wall by the stairs and since I’d already had a weird conversation with someone unexpected, I decided to head over to him. He was hot and we’d talked a little bit at that housewarming party. As far as I knew, he was single. Why the fuck not?
He glanced at me and smiled, then returned his gaze to the dancers.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“Okay. Not feeling in the party mood?”
His lips thinned. “I am.”
“That was convincing.”
“Sometimes, I hate men. Worse, I hate when I don’t hate one that I should.”
I followed his gaze. There were so many people dancing that I couldn’t narrow down who he was talking about.
“I’m starting to hate men too. There’s someone you’re into over there, huh?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “I’ll be okay. What about you? Find anyone interesting tonight?”
“No, but I also don’t try.”
“Hm. You should.”
“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m incredibly awkward.”
He laughed a little. “Some people like awkward. You came over to talk to me, so clearly, you’re capable.”
“Liquid courage, maybe.”
He turned his head and stared down at me. He had a solid four or five inches on me, which made him feel older, even though we were only a year apart.
“You know, I’m an introvert too,” he noted.
“That’s funny.”
“Really. I can play the part really well, but when I’m not on campus or at a game, I’m usually at my apartment alone. I don’t find most people enjoyable enough to give up my time for. And while I don’t get freaked out by talking to people, I understand how hard it is to put yourself out there. Especially when dealing with a closed off asshole who keeps giving extremely mixed signals.”
Was he somehow privy to everything going on in my life? From the way he was staring into the crowd again, I assumed we just had very similar situations.
“That’s why I don’t really put myself out there,” I noted.
“We get one life. If you fuck something up along the way, so what? I’d rather make some mistakes than regret letting something pass by.”
“I guess you’re right. Thanks for the advice, Linc. Do you happen to know where Dean is?”
“Upstairs. Second door on the left is where he sometimes fucks off to during parties.”
After giving me a smile, he returned to staring daggers into the crowd. I left him there to wallow in his own issue. The drinks were going to my head, stacking on top of my high. Dancing sounded terrible and so did socializing, so I headed up the stairs. Instead of going straight to the room to find Dean, I sat on the top step and watched the party go on below me.
I wondered what it was like to be that carefree. Maybe all those people were messes inside too, but they were able to shut it all off by dancing and hanging out. Even though they were considered ideal- neurotypical and mainstream- I’d never envied them. I liked who I was and I figured that someone would come along someday, someone who understood me and enjoyed the weird parts of me. They’d accept me rather than be annoyed that I didn’t like to go out much and I wouldn’t go to a store that didn’t have self-check.
It was fine. I was young and I’d just wait and hope that it would happen someday. Maybe I’d even work up the courage to look for it myself.
I gripped the edge of the step and leaned forward. Brooks was on my radar as soon as I saw him. He marched right up to West, who was dancing with a blonde. When Brooks pulled her away, I recognized her.
Sadie.
Then, he fucking kissed her.
I curled my fingers over the banister, keeping my gaze locked on him. That wasn’t a kiss. He was devouring her soul. She didn’t have a right to it. He wasn’t hers to claim like that.
Her hands came up to his neck, but he pushed her back. When she tried to get closer again, he flipped her off and headed out of the crowd.
I turned around and rushed down the hall. My emotions were on the verge of bubbling over. I had no right to feel this way. We talked about him finding someone.
It didn’t really make sense that he’d kissed her, then walked away. What was the point?
A few seconds after I knocked, Dean opened the door. His brows went up when he saw me.
“Hey, you good?”
I shook my head. He motioned me inside, then shut us in. My hands went to my hair and I pulled on it hard enough to hurt.
“Brooks kissed your ex,” I blurted.
“Motherfucker. What the hell?”
“I don’t know. I… Fuck, what is wrong with me? I should’ve known. You were right. He doesn’t care. I was a placeholder, a way to cure his boredom. Maybe it fed his ego knowing that I was obsessed with him.”
A knock on the door made me jump. Dean looked at me, then opened it. I nearly threw up when I saw who was standing in the hall.
“Go away,” Dean ordered. “I don’t want to see you.”
“It’s a good thing I’m not here for you, then.”
“He’s not interested either.”
“I need to talk to him.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “Just let him in.”
It looked like Dean would argue, but eventually, he huffed and opened the door further. Brooks looked at him a little smugly and there was a moment where I thought he’d get punched. I’d wondered why he chose to kiss Sadie and now I knew. He was being a petty asshole.
“Can we talk in here?” I asked Dean.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, so he left the room. I felt very trapped when it was just me and Brooks. It didn’t help that he wouldn’t take his eyes off me. To keep myself from doing anything stupid, I sat on the floor and leaned back against the wall.
If all else failed, I could curl into a ball and hope the sun exploded.