Chapter 30
“Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.”
Brooks
On my way to enlightenment- hopefully
Blech. Kissing Sadie was the opposite of a vibe. It was a straight up nope. It was downright traumatizing.
It was out of pocket to do something like that, but it was what I needed to get Tilian’s attention. Well, the kissing part. The choice of woman was to piss off Dean and help Linc and West.
Tilian hadn’t said a word to me since we got in the car, not for lack of trying on my part. Talking to other guys didn’t do the trick. Since subtleties didn’t seem to bother him, I took one for the team and now I was staring at him, sitting on the floor with his arms resting on his knees. And he still wouldn’t look at me.
“Tilian.”
He ignored me. Clearly, he was angry. That was part of the point. I wanted him mad because otherwise, he wouldn’t be fucking straight with me. He’d stand there and tell me I should find someone who could make me happy. For a minute there, I’d almost let him go, but if that’s what he really wanted, he’d have to tell me plainly.
“A duck walked up to a lemonade stand,” I started singing softly as I wandered around the room, touching random things. “He said to the man running the stand. Bum bum bum. Got any grapes? The man said no, we just sell-”
“Can you shut the fuck up?”
“Oh, you talk now.”
“What the hell do you want me to say?”
“Everything that’s on your mind.”
He laughed dryly. “What’s on my mind is how much of an asshole you are. For what? To piss off Dean?”
“No. Not entirely, at least. Linc was ready to throw the bitch out on the curb and claim West in front of everyone, so I helped him out with a better option.”
His brows went up. “That’s who Linc’s into? But West is straight.”
“Heard it before.”
He dropped his head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. What the fuck did I have to do to make him give me his truth? Preferably with force and a healthy dose of rage.
“And because of you,” I added. “You want me to find someone else.”
“Then, go take her home.”
“Okay.”
I put my hand on the doorknob to leave. Behind me, I heard him get to his feet and I smiled. A bruising grip on my bicep turned me around. Wrapping an arm around his waist, I pulled him against me as I leaned back against the door.
“Let me go,” he demanded.
Since I was a king of consent, I released him.
“Yell at me,” I suggested.
“Move. I just want to go home.”
“Tell me why you’re mad.”
“Because you used me!” He took a step backward and clenched his jaw.
It felt like I couldn’t breathe. Of all the things I’d agonized over when it came to him, I hadn’t considered that he would think that.
“Used you?” I repeated softly. “No, Tilian.”
“I was fine with casual or whatever else you were able to give me, but I was just a safety blanket. You showed up and acted like you wanted me, then you left without a word.”
“I told you I wasn’t okay that night. I said it wasn’t healthy and you kissed me.”
He threw his hands in the air. His face was pink and I didn’t know if it was because of his anger or the drinks I saw him pound with West.
“Yeah, I kissed you. That was my mistake, but all I wanted to do was make you feel better. And I thought that, if I could bring you back to yourself, maybe you’d finally talk to me.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do now. It’s why I came to your dorm. I wasn’t even gonna go to this stupid ass party. It was an excuse to see you.”
“Well, we’re here now, aren’t we? Might as well take advantage of it. Go find someone to take home, then toss them aside when you’ve drained them enough to feel less empty.”
“You’re right,” I said, stepping toward him. “That’s my M.O.”
“Yeah, I know. I wish I would’ve believed it earlier. It wouldn’t hurt so damn bad.”
“You said you weren’t hurt.”
He clenched his jaw and looked away from me.
“I told you that you deserve better,” I went on. “That’ll never change.”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to say, Brooks. It’s this kind of back and forth that makes it impossible with you.”
“It’s a good thing I’m ready to admit what I want.”
He met my eyes. The sheen to them made me feel like shit. I was struck with the urge to let him go so that I’d stop hurting him, but I was physically incapable of walking away.
“A couple of months ago, I would’ve brought someone home from here, just like you said. I’d drown myself in meaningless sex, rinse, repeat, and the cycle would continue forever because I still don’t feel anything.”
“Maybe you’re not capable.”
“I thought that for a long time. Then, something happened.”
“What?”
“I met you.” Tilian looked down and pushed his hands into his pockets. “You know, I first saw you on Dean’s Instagram. There was this picture of you two and you were flipping off the camera with your tongue out. You’ve sent me similar ones a few times. I have them all saved on my phone.”
He shook his head. “I don’t…”
“You never finish your sentences. I always wonder about all of the things you don’t say.”
“Are we done talking?”
He couldn’t shut down. I wasn’t doing enough or giving him what he needed from me. It was like cutting open my own veins to show him this much of me. Vulnerability was a weapon. I was about to hand Tilian a sharpened sword that thirsted for my blood and all I could do was trust him not to carve out my heart with it.
“In that first picture, all I saw was you. At the time, I just found you beautiful. You’re so goddamn beautiful. When I walked into Pritchard’s class and saw you there, my heart started beating faster. I blamed it on the Celsius I had on my way there, but that was a lie. You didn’t notice me and you seemed intent on not being seen, so I didn’t bug you. When I saw you at the football field, I couldn’t help myself. Ever since then, you’ve taken over. I’ve always been able to avoid getting attached, but fuck, I’m attached to you.”
“You’re not attached to me. You can have anyone.”
“I don’t want anyone. I kissed Sadie to make you jealous and piss you off enough to actually talk to me.” He didn’t respond and I felt despair starting to rise, fucking up my emotions all over again. “Can’t you see how much I care about you, Tilian?”
“No.”
“I know you do. That’s why you kept taking chances and pushing me. Don’t try to tell me you would do that if you didn’t know.”
“Fine, maybe I thought you liked me, but not enough. I always expected you to drop me eventually.”
“There are many things I can’t promise you. Opening up is something I’ve never done, so I can’t tell you it won’t be a fight sometimes. I can’t promise I’ll always have my shit together or say the right thing or be the man that you deserve. Here’s what I will promise you.”
I stepped closer but not enough to touch him. I wanted to see his eyes and for him to see mine, to recognize that I wasn’t masking right now. All of my defenses were down for him.
“I promise I’m not going to drop you. I won’t get tired of you. I’ll try not to ever hurt you. I love your personality and the way you smile for me. Those things aren’t going to change.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.
“Then, I’ll keep going. In your eyes, I recognize the sea at its most peaceful, no clouds in the sky and a full moon hanging above, shining a light that calls to me. There’s this abyss inside of me and I thought it was too deep for anything to ever touch it, but you shine so brightly that the darkness just disappears. That’s why I went to you that night; not to use you. When I was falling into that pit and I couldn’t find a way out, I went to you because with you is the only place I’ve ever felt safe when I can’t keep my defenses up. Whether or not this is end game, I will always find you more beautiful than the bullshit they claim to be the seven wonders of the world.”
“Shit, Brooks.”
I wanted to kiss him now, but I didn’t know if that was selfish, so I waited. Maybe he needed time to think. I thought about leaving to give him some space, but then he stepped forward.
Then , he bit his lip.
Fuck me.
Closing the distance between us, I grabbed his throat and thrust him back against the wall.
“Are you going to tell me to leave?” I asked.
He pushed his hand underneath my shirt and flattened his palm against my stomach. His eyes were still down, so I couldn’t read what was going on in his head. My teeth grazed the shell of his ear as I inhaled him.
“I want to use you,” I murmured. “I shouldn’t, but fuck, I do. Use you over and over, then take you to dinner and take care of you and do it all over again every day.”
Finally, he met my eyes. “You know you’re toxic, right?”
I breathed a laugh. “Maybe, but you’re here, letting me touch you.”
He sighed as I moved my lips across his jaw. “I’m scared you’ll back out again.”
“Stop worrying so much.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you want, Tilian? Throughout all of this, I’ve yet to hear that.”
“You haven’t asked,” he pointed out.
“It’s one of my twenty questions.”
“I like you.”
“I told you not to.”
“Tough.”
I hummed and kissed the curve of his jaw. He muttered a curse as I continued down to his chin.
“If I choose you, what will you do?” he asked.
The question made me tense. When Tilian decided to be bold, he fucking went for it. Any words I could conjure didn’t sound right, so I recalled ones that felt like the truth.
“’If you ever looked at me once with what I know is in you, I would be your slave.’”
“I see you,” he said softly. “I know you’ll fight and try to run. There’s so much inside of you that I don’t even think you understand, but I’m desperate to.”
“You don’t see me. Not yet. You’ve put me on a pedestal, Tilian.”
He shook his head and held onto my wrist to keep my hand on his throat. “You want me to think you’re a monster? If you are, you make cruelty look like divinity. God was the one who did most of the killing in the Bible, so I’m allowed to put you on a pedestal, even if you’re as soulless as you seem to think.”
“Baby…”
“Say it again.”
“Baby,” I repeated.
His lips parted, so I pushed my tongue between them. He waited, following my lead, even as he trembled.
I pulled back and studied his face. Everything about him made me want to jump the rest of the way in, but I didn’t want to rush this.
“Brooks.”
“I want you to take time to think about it before you decide. Really think about it.
When I stepped back, he latched onto my hand. “Stay.”
He surprised me by slipping his fingers into the waistband of my jeans, then he tugged me closer.
“We’re not done talking.”
“Talking,” I repeated.
“If we somehow end up making out, we’ll blame it on your stupid, poetic words.” When I opened my mouth to respond, he nipped at my lower lip. “Stop worrying so much.”
“Don’t use my own words against me.”
“You know, contrary to what you and Dean seem to think, I’m capable of making rational decisions, no matter how dreamy you are.”
“Is that so?”
Grabbing onto his hips, I guided him toward the bed. I sat down and he straddled me. It should’ve been a crime how he made my heart race so easily.
“Unless you say otherwise, my heart is chained in the basement,” he said. “No expectations.” His lips pressed to mine and he rolled his hips, making my breath catch. “No obligations.” My mouth opened immediately when his tongue pushed forward. “No feelings.”
“All of those are beyond violated. Your heart doesn’t belong in a basement.”
Holding onto him, I scooted backward so I could lean against the wall. He unwound the tie from my hair and tucked his nose into it, inhaling.
“You know that you’re a whole problem, right?”
He laughed as he kissed my neck. “I’m self-aware, yeah.”
“Since I met you, I’ve been realizing just how weak I am. I can’t say no to you, so I’m going to kiss you. A lot. But no matter how much either of us want it, we’re not doing more.”
“But you can’t say no to me.”
“I need to choose my words more carefully around you.”
“Why can’t we do more?”
Taking his chin, I lifted his head so I could look at him. “You’re a little drunk and I don’t want to rush. I want to take my time with you.” I licked up the column of his throat, then pressed my lips to his Adam’s apple. “Learn your taste and the beautiful sounds you make.”
“You’re too good with your words for someone who’s basically a child.”
I scoffed. “You’re only three years older than me.”
“And my age no longer ends in ‘teen,’ so respect your elders and use your mouth for more than words.”
“Alright, you fucking brat. Let’s see how mouthy you are after my tongue has touched every inch of your body except where you really need it. When we leave, you’ll be dying to cum and you’ll have to do it with only the memory of me.”
“Or I’ll make myself wait until you’re ready to finish the job.”
Jesus. He might be the death of me. Reincarnation had better be limitless because I wanted him to kill me over and over again.