Defend Me

Chapter 31

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I lift my eyes and all is born again.”

Brooks

Left alone once again

When consciousness crept back in, I was vaguely aware of the sun trying to pierce my eyelids. My head hurt a little, but I hadn’t gone all that hard on the alcohol, so it wasn’t terrible. Things were a little hazy, though. It was very possible that I was still high. Did ‘wake and bake’ count if I never unbaked?

That thought beget another. I didn’t go home last night. Neither did Tilian.

I opened my eyes and looked to both sides. The only person in this bed was me. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but after we made out for a while, we were both too damn turned on, so we decided to keep talking. There were feelings and unfun emotions, but it needed to happen. I remembered him being curled up against me.

I’d never really been rejected, but the reason was that I didn’t put myself out there in any meaningful way. I didn’t actually give people my heart. If I cared about them or even loved them, I still maintained my ability to walk away by keeping emotional distance.

I’d lost that here, which was sort of the whole point. Waking up alone, though, made my chest constrict and it was such a new sort of emptiness that none of my other defenses could touch it.

Grabbing my shoes, I carefully ventured into the hallway. Running into anyone would be awkward. Since I was coming out of this room, they’d probably assume me and Dean fucked. That might actually be funny, but I’d been petty enough last night.

I slipped into a bathroom and fucked with my hair the best I could, then flipped it up and down a la head banging rockstar. It was a mess, but in a sexy way. I was about to put it up, but I realized that I didn’t have my hair tie. What had that fucker done with it?

I stared at myself in the mirror. Nothing bad would happen if I had it down. Tilian liked it this way.

As I reached for the door, I looked again. If a professor saw me, would I seem unprofessional? They might consider me some troublemaker because I had long hair and was wearing skinny jeans. Plus, I was leaving a party.

I quickly searched the drawers, but I didn’t find anything that I could tie it back with. My fingers flexed, then straightened at my sides.

With a growl, I decided there was nothing for it. I held onto my shoes as I made my way down the stairs so that I wouldn’t make noise and draw attention. When I passed the kitchen, I locked eyes with none other than Lincoln.

His head cocked. Oof. With a grimace, I hurried out of the house.

I checked my phone, but it was dead. Immediately, I wondered if my mom had tried to call me again. She’d been doing it a few times a day, but I couldn’t deal with it right now, maybe ever. My head still wasn’t entirely stable and I was fixing that, but she’d find a way to tear everything down.

She could wait. Better yet, she could fuck off for a while and let me be a goddamn college student.

I tried not to think about the fact that Tilian had left. While I drove, I recalled what we’d talked about last night. I didn’t think it was anything that would freak him out. Maybe the whole situation freaked him out.

I should’ve made him think about it more. He’d gone all in, but he was also tipsy. I’d drawn the line at kissing and now I wondered if even that had been too much to allow.

Not able to help myself, I stopped at the campus. I ran my fingers through my hair, wishing I could put it up. There was probably a hair tie somewhere in my car, but I didn’t take the time to check. All that really mattered right now was finding the little shit who abandoned me sometime in the night. That was a move for one-night stands or leaving your spouse under cover of darkness so they’ll never find you.

I was neither of those things and I refused to be reduced to them.

I jogged all the way to Tilian’s room and knocked on the door. Minutes passed without it opening. I knocked again, louder this time in case he was sleeping. I didn’t care if I woke him up. We could go back to sleep together.

Jesus, I felt clingy. I guess that was what happened when I let myself like someone for the first time, especially this much.

If he was home, he wasn’t going to answer the door, so I headed back to the parking lot. My mood was steadily pitching downward as I drove back to my apartment. Since my phone was dead, I couldn’t text him until I got home.

After I parked, I closed my eyes and tried to manifest some good energy in the hopes that the universe would free me from all the bad karma I’d racked up. I needed a win. I needed Tilian.

My eyes were heavy as I rode the elevator. I’d only slept a couple of hours, but I wasn’t confident that I’d be able to relax when I got inside.

I stepped into the hallway and yawned. After scrubbing my hands down my face, I turned left, then froze.

He was here, sitting on the floor in front of my apartment. I seriously contemplated whether I was hallucinating.

Fuck that. He was here. I rushed forward and dropped into a crouch in front of him. Taking his face in my hands, I looked into his blue eyes.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I was waiting for you.”

He sounded timid and his eyes were searching my face.

“How long have you been here?”

“Like, an hour.”

“Why?”

The corner of his mouth lifted. “To sit in the hall and stare at the paint, obviously. I texted you.”

“My phone’s dead. I went to your dorm and when you didn’t answer, I thought…”

“Hey,” he said gently, putting his hands over mine. “I’m right here.”

“But why’d you leave?”

“I felt awkward. Plus, I wanted to organize my thoughts a little. A lot happened and it needed some processing.”

“Did you process it all?”

“Let’s go inside.”

I nodded and took his hand to pull him up. “How’d you even get in the building?”

He bent down to pick up a paper bag and two iced coffees that I hadn’t noticed. “I told the office person that I was DoorDash.”

“You clever thing.”

I pushed the door open and watched him kick his shoes off. Grabbing the bag and one of the coffees from him, I brought them to the island and set them down. I tapped my fingers on the counter while I waited for him to tell me last night was a big mistake and he’d brought breakfast as a way to soften the blow.

“You look sick,” he noted. “Are you hungover?”

“I only had a couple beers.”

He took a long drink of his coffee. I watched him, unsure what else to do. When it became too much, I huffed and dropped my elbows onto the surface.

“Are you out?”

He set his drink on the counter and slid his finger down the side of it, making a path through the condensation. “I’ve been out since I was twelve.”

“I love it when you joke, but I’m literally on the verge of dying right now.”

“That’s dramatic.”

“I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have put you in that position or kissed Sadie or kissed you. If you don’t want to do this, I understand and I can’t blame you.”

“Is that really what you think?”

He came around the island and lifted himself onto the counter. I stepped between his legs and put my hands on either side of him so that I wouldn’t touch him.

“Only one of us is allowed to be insecure,” he said. When he ran his hands up to my chest, I moved mine to the tops of his thighs. “Of course I want you, Brooks. I wanted you when you asked if I was mute the first time we met and even when you were being a dick, which was quite a few times.”

“Well, fuck, don’t leave me alone in bed like that without a word.”

“I texted you.”

“What’d the text say?”

“It said, ‘Hey, I can’t look at your sexy face while you’re sleeping without wanting to lick your body, so I’m gonna take a minute to breathe before I show up at your place and demand that you follow through with what you started last night.’”

“It does not,” I laughed.

“It actually does.” He showed me the message on his phone with a grimace.

“You’re so fucking adorable. Did you regret that text immediately?”

“Oh, before it even went through. I checked if there was roof access in the dorm so that I could swan dive off of it, but they have that door locked.”

Moving my hands behind his knees, I pulled him closer to me. He didn’t waste any time pressing his lips against mine. It’d only been a few hours since I last touched him, but I felt starved. When he tangled his fingers in my hair, I pulled back.

“Did you steal my hair tie?”

“No.”

His smirk made me narrow my eyes. “It’s a good thing I like you.”

“Do you ever shut up?”

I bit down on his lip, then tightened my grip under his thighs. When I lifted him off the counter, he wrapped his legs around my waist, looking down at the floor with wide eyes.

“Think I’m gonna drop you?” I teased.

“Maybe.”

“I promised that I never would.”

I barely stopped kissing him as I carried him to my room. He reached behind him to turn the knob, then I kicked it open. The bed was too fucking far, so I pressed him against the wall. His grip around my waist tightened, somehow bringing us even closer.

He kissed me again and again, each one deeper than the last. Within seconds, my shirt had been flung across the room. I broke away from his lips to suck on the side of his neck harshly. He dropped his head back against the wall, baring his throat to me.

The way this man yanked this possessiveness out with a quickness might’ve been concerning if it wasn’t so hot.

He moaned and dug his fingers into my skin. I kept going, branding him with a savage kiss. It was a brutal pleasure and I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of it. Giving myself to Tilian forced me to release more of the perpetual tension that lived inside of me.

I released the suction, then circled the mark with my tongue. Thrusting my hips forward, I rubbed my hard dick against his. I buried my face in his shoulder and groaned as I repeated the motion. My dick throbbed, making me draw in a shaky breath. After last night, I was desperate for a release.

Tilian used my hair to tip my head back. His teeth dug into my lip like he had a personal vendetta against it. It felt like all of his frustration from the past few weeks was pouring out of him, just like mine was, and I was ready to drink it all in.

As his tongue pushed into my mouth, I continued my shallow hip movements. I was mesmerized by the sounds he made- sharp inhales of breath and throaty moans. The occasional whimper threatened to change my fucking brain chemistry.

I pulled away from the wall and moved to the bed. He clung to me as I dropped my knees to it and shifted to the middle. After I’d taken off his shirt, I looked down at him. My fingers traced every curve of his body- his sharp pelvic bones, the slope of his waist and his collarbone. There was tattoo there that said, ‘Where the fuck is your god now?’

“Not surprised,” I mused. “You like toxic men.”

“Fuck off.”

“Was it a ‘fuck you’ to your dad?” When he didn’t respond, I dug my nails into the spot.

“I just like the song,” he replied with a shrug.

“Be honest.”

“I got it because of my brother,” he explained tentatively. “Alex told us that he wasn’t in the right body when he was really young. My dad said that god didn’t make mistakes. We were all in a bad place and I was angry for Alex’s sake. When I turned eighteen, I wanted to get something that reminded me of how I felt back then, and this felt right.”

“Do you believe in God?”

He touched my lips, getting distracted for a second. After a minute, he shrugged. “I do, but not the Abrahamic one, at least not as they portrayed God. I think that if one exists and they’re meant to love us, that has to be unconditional, which doesn’t align with the idea of sin and hell. It doesn’t feel like any human has captured who or what God truly is. Maybe they can’t. What about you?”

“I’ve never been religious, but I like the idea of there being many of them. I don’t know if I believe in that and I’m not gonna start worshiping them or anything. The burden of proof lies on the one making the claim, so I’m content to just believe that if they exist, they’ll celebrate the way humans want to understand things beyond simply being told a thing is true and going by faith. That idea doesn’t make sense to me.”

“I respect that.”

I touched his ribs where there were two more tattoos. One said, ‘We’re all see through, just like glass,’ and the other said, ‘We scream to be free, but I stay captured.’

“What about these?”

“I asked my brother and sister to give me a line they liked from a song and those were what they chose.”

“Which one is which?”

“I’ll never tell.”

I huffed. “You guys listen to heavy shit.”

“Maybe I set a bad example.”

“Could it be because Radke was your first crush?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“If I knew face tats were your thing, I’d have made a stop along the way.”

“Kiss me now, face tats later.”

With a smile, I leaned down to flick his nipple with my tongue. He gripped my hair and lifted his hips.

“Fuck,” he groaned. “I need you. Please.”

I dropped my lips to his neck and planted soft kisses across it that made him shiver. When he went for the button on my jeans, I gripped his fingers to stop him.

“I’m not gonna sleep with you.”

“Why not?” he asked, sounding offended.

“I told you I don’t want to rush.”

“That’s stupid. If you keep getting my dick this hard, I’m gonna go insane.”

Licking my lips, I trailed my eyes down his body. He wasn’t wrong. I was in the same place.

“Let me see you touch yourself.”

“Really?” His nerves were apparent in every line of his face.

“Yeah. I want to see how you treat that thing when you’re alone.”

“Better than you.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, really. I should prosecute you for that blasphemy.”

He bit his lip and ran a single finger down the column of my throat. “Only if you do it too.”

Moving backward, I worked his pants down enough to free his dick. If I stripped him bare, my self-control might go out the window. Tilian, while far from fragile, deserved nothing less than to be treated with the utmost care and respect. Plus, I wanted him to be begging for it when I fucked him. At this rate, we probably wouldn’t wait very long, but we’d at least put in the effort.

With it in front of me, I was dying to taste his glistening tip, but instead, I flipped him over to sit on top of me. He moved up further so that I could stroke my own aching dick.

This was undeniably hot. His lips parted when his fingers passed his head. I stared at the smooth skin of his shaft, just a foot from my face, as he tightened his grip.

His lips rolled inward and he hummed. When his eyes closed, I gripped his thigh tightly.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Robert Downey Jr.,” he replied with a smile.

Shaking my head, I covered his fingers with mine, encouraging him to keep going. When he looked down at me, his pupils swallowed most of the blue, making him look demonic.

“Don’t stop,” he pleaded.

I kept my hand over his for another minute, then released him. We stared into each other’s eyes as he continued his rhythm. I stroked his chest, then his neck. He brought his fingers to my mouth and used his thumb to pull my lower lip down. When I suddenly bit down on it, he whimpered.

That sound would grace my dreams and haunt my nightmares.

His hips moved upward with every stroke now and I could tell that he was getting close.

“Slow down,” I said.

The fight was clear in his eyes.

“Slow down,” I repeated with more authority.

He followed my instructions this time, but he made an annoyed sound. “I need to cum.”

“For me, baby.”

The look in his eyes was a mixture of agony and desire. He nodded, which made me smile.

“Tell me what you’re doing,” he said breathily.

“I’m stroking myself slowly and I have my thumb underneath my head.” He shifted his hand to do the same. “Only go from the ball of your thumb to the first knuckle.” His body jolted. “Keep doing it like that with your thumb in the crease there.”

“Fuck. It’s too sensitive.”

“It’s not. It feels so good, baby.”

Another one of those hoarse whimpers vibrated in his throat. My dick was so sensitive that it was almost too much, but I loved that feeling. It was a lack of control, a fervent need that forced my body closer to that blissful edge.

“Is your dick leaking, Tilian?” He nodded jerkily. “Use your thumb to spread it around.”

I watched him swirl it on his head and followed his movements with my own hand. Arching forward, I streamed spit onto his fingers.

“Oh, god.”

“Keep going slow,” I instructed. He let out a frustrated breath, but he did as I said. “Can you keep going for me?”

“I don’t want to.”

“It’d make me so happy, baby.”

“Have I told you that I hate you?”

I smiled as I moved my hips upward. My tongue traced my lower lip as I applied more pressure to my shaft. When I felt his movements speed up, I stopped.

“Slow,” I told him. “Don’t go faster just because you want to cum. It’ll happen and when it does, you’ll discover the true meaning of Nirvana.”

“Dramatic,” he grunted.

“Mm.” I stroked his chest, which made his breaths quicken. “You’re going to do this for me, baby. And there’s no going back once you cum. For me .”

“Fucking… Ah, god.”

I sat up and shifted him so that he was straddling my thighs. With our dicks in front of each other, it felt more intimate. I moved mine closer so it brushed his head.

“Oh my god. Brooks, fuck.”

“Say it again,” I murmured. “Please.”

“Brooks.” It came out as a breath, probably the last one he took for a long moment. His face pinched and his eyes squeezed shut as he came. The way gripped my ribs while he came made me feel connected to him.

When he started to draw full breaths again, he stared at the fingers that had been on his dick. They were completely covered in cum. It dripped down them in a slow, mouth-watering descent.

Taking his wrist, I brought three of his fingers to my mouth and felt my dick swell. He watched me, unblinking, as I sucked on them. When I was about to go for his index finger, he shook his head. I opened and he slowly dragged it over my tongue. He pushed it in again, so I closed my lips around it. Adding the middle finger, he thrust them back as far as he could. I moaned around them, so fucking turned on by the taste of him and the slight dominance he’d adopted in this moment.

Some people were squeamish about cum- women more often, in my experience. I thought it was a crime to waste a drop.

I bit down on his fingers as my muscles contracted. His eyes went from my face to my dick, then back again. The intense way he watched me made the whole experience more powerful. It was more intimate than anything I’d ever done.

Suddenly, Tilian pulled his fingers from my mouth and dropped to his elbows. He put his hand over mine and tilted my dick while he stuck out his tongue.

“Fuck,” I groaned.

With my cum painting his tongue and his lips, along with the mark I’d made on his neck, Tilian made the perfect canvas. Fuck the Mona Lisa. This right here was art.

“Soon,” I said through heavy breaths, “I’m going to stretch out your ass just like you’ve been wanting. Will you still drink my cum after I pump you full of it?”

He nodded, so I pulled him up and kissed him. He was boneless against me, leaning against my chest as I dipped my face into his neck.

“That was a promise, Tilian.”