Chapter 36
“It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”
Brooks
Right here, right now, the tornado might start up again
Mom: Brooks, what is going on with you? We’re worried. Please call me. Or text. Something.
Was I doing anything wrong? No. Not directly, at least. I was being a dick by ignoring them, but ever since the situation with Holly, I’d been spiraling. It wasn’t in one direction either.
There was the descent into madness, then I crashed when I sought out Tilian and lost myself in the physical. Sleep claimed me for over twenty-four hours and when I woke up, it felt like the dust had settled for the first time in my life. Of course, a tornado is bound to kick it back up when it comes around again.
I was clinging to these attachments I’d formed and maybe, if I allowed the self-awareness to creep in, I was using them as a crutch, leaning on the people in my life when I was at severe risk of falling into a pit full of venomous snakes. When you got hurt, a crutch was a helpful tool and eventually, you tossed it aside and walked on your own again. Was that what was going on here?
Tilian wasn’t rubbish that I could just discard. He meant too much to me and, if it was possible, I wanted to hold onto him forever. I couldn’t shake the fear that somehow, this entire thing would slip away from me.
No matter how good my intentions were, I couldn’t trust myself not to hurt him somehow. Since the day Tilian agreed to do this with me, I’d felt pretty calm, but at any moment, I could start spinning.
That was why I didn’t answer the phone again. It was the reason I didn’t want to be alone. The hour car ride to get here had been too long. Too quiet. The space had been filled with the putrid scent of my contemptible soul.
I couldn’t escape it, but I could delay it for now. If I didn’t answer, I could pretend that I was this person. The guy who dropped responsibilities to be at a thirteen-year-old’s birthday party. The one who was open and honest about who he was. The man who tied himself down and spent hours at night holding Tilian while I thought about how to make him happy when we woke up.
It was laughable, actually. If I wanted to give him what he deserved, I would cut myself out of his life right now.
I wasn’t being honest. I never had been. Lies sprung to life on my tongue before I opened my eyes in the morning. Clever ones were what convinced people you weren’t fucking worthless.
How many millionaires were truly altruistic? Philanthropy was a tool, that was all. Everyone who’d made it big in this world had done it by playing the fucking game. If they convinced you otherwise, they were just smarter than the rest, and you fell for their pretty lies.
My toes curled in the grass beside the lake. Leaning my elbows on my knees, I dropped my head into my hands.
If I picked up the phone, what I had here would shatter. One way or another, I was a liar and a manipulator. I brought flowers for Miranda and got Alex a really badass drone that I knew he’d love. It made Tilian look at me like I hung the moon. Every day, I did things that made him smile because it made me feel less empty, but it made him think I was worth something. What was that if not manipulation?
I’d somehow convinced him that I was a good person who he could trust with his heart. I hadn’t meant to do that. Was I so far gone that I didn’t even realize what I was doing anymore?
I was spinning again, picking up speed, and I had no idea where I would land.
The sound of footsteps behind me forced me out of my head. It made the quiet flee and my toes uncurled while I drew in a breath that didn’t make my lungs feel cold.
Tilian sat behind me and scooted forward with his legs on either side of me, pressing his chest against my back. I dropped my head onto his shoulder and stared up at the stars.
This place was beautiful. They didn’t live in the middle of nowhere, but it was far more rural than I was used to. They had a gravel driveway and for some reason, the sound of my tires rolling across it was musical. Their neighbors had farm animals and their house was only a mile from a small lake, which was a nice place to escape to. Tilian said it had fish in it, but that was something I didn’t care to confirm.
“Are you peopled out?” he asked.
“I don’t get peopled out.” Absently, I stretched my mouth a little. All that smiling and talking had gone on for hours.
“Whatever you say.”
“The trick is to study people and learn their weaknesses. You’re doing less socializing and more preparing for your eventual villain era.”
“Aren’t you already in your villain era?”
“Never reveal your secrets until you’re ready to win.”
“Thanks for the lesson, oh wise one.”
A smile formed on my lips, one that I didn’t have to consciously shape. “I’ll give you a friends and family discount.”
His head dipped and his lips settled on the side of my neck. “You always smell so good. How?”
“Because this scent costs more than your entire wardrobe.”
“Rude.”
I turned onto my knees and pushed him onto his back. “Mm. Let me take you shopping and spoil you with nice things.”
He bit down on the hickey, sending a jolt through my body. I leaned more of my weight on him and he flattened his palm against my chest.
“I don’t want nice things. Spoil me with food or something.”
“That’s doable. If packages start showing up at your door, though, I plead the fifth.”
“You’re impossible.”
“And you would look like my new favorite picnic if I spread you out on this grass.”
“I’m notoriously up for anything.”
“What if I’m not?”
“I knew you were a virgin." The amusement in his smile made him look radiant.
“Totally. I’m gonna need you to walk me through it, step by step.”
“We can start with the clothes. I’m personally offended by them.”
“Goddamn irresistible. I’ve been doing my best to be transparent and you just want me for my body. This doesn’t come naturally to me, you know.”
“Shocker.”
“Stop making me want to shut you up. You can’t be that desperate for me to choke you with my dick again.”
“Nah.” He pursed his lips on a smile. “It was mid.”
My eyes narrowed. “Ah, he likes to provoke.”
“Wait, I just had a thought. What if my brother is using that fancy drone you got him and sees us?”
“Your dad put it away in a safe so he couldn’t sneak out with it. There were guns in there too, which is a very good reason for me to make him like me.”
“Scared of guns, Brooks?”
“I’ve never been around them.”
He quirked a brow. “Don’t people like you shoot clay pigeons for sport or something?”
“That’s a hobby for white men in tweed jackets who come from old money. I am none of those things.”
“You just wear outrageously expensive cologne and have a whole drawer of watches in your closet, which you’ve never worn.”
“Watches are for people who don’t understand that phones tell time better. Enough about that. We’re by a lake in the moonlight and it’s romantic as fuck. Are you gonna be good?”
He shook his head and pulled down the arm of my sweater so that he could arch up and kiss my shoulder. I shivered from the bite of the cold and the sensation of his lips on me. His other hand moved under my shirt and traveled up my abdomen. His fingers were cold, but I didn’t even care.
I kissed him softly and he followed my lead. It was like he was in tune with what I wanted from him. I’d barely touched his lips with my tongue before he opened for me.
Moving my hand to his jaw, I squeezed it hard enough to keep his mouth open so that I could continue to taste him without interruption. My lips wrapped around his tongue and made him moan.
When I gripped his throat, he dropped his head to the grass and met my eyes. The force of my hand might leave a bruise and I didn’t care one bit. With my legs on either side of him, I kept myself raised on my knees and stared down at him.
Goddamn, he was gorgeous like this- cheeks red, lips parted, and his hair covering his forehead just above those keen blue eyes.
“What do you want, baby?” I asked.
“I want you.”
“Mm.” Leaning close enough that our lips brushed, I inhaled his scent. “Your ass is going to look so fucking beautiful when it’s full of my dick. Don’t you think?” He nodded as much as he could.
I hadn’t bothered to bring condoms because me and Tilian already had that talk. We’d even gone to get tested again that same day just to be completely sure. I was a bit of a slut, after all, as he put it. Fucking asshole.
“Please,” Tilian whispered.
Curling my fingers inward, I let my nails dig into his throat. His lips parted, but it was the only sign of pain he showed me. “How much will it take to break you?”
“You want me to break?” he rasped.
“More than I want breath right now.”
“Then I’ll break for you, Brooks.”
“Fuck. I don’t have lube.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bottle of it. A wicked grin twisted my lips.
“Travel sized. I respect it.”
Tilian wiggled, so I released his throat to let him go for my pants. It only took him seconds to pull my dick out. It quickly went from half-hard to fully erect just at his touch. I raised myself higher on my knees and he rose up on his elbow and licked his lips before he slid them up the side of my shaft. When he reached the tip, he used his tongue to tease me, making my hips jerk.
I cupped underneath his jaw while he released spit that slid down the length of me. The cool air chilled it as it continued its path. His tongue warmed it again as he followed it from the base back to my head. When he closed his mouth around it, I moved my fingers to his hair. He released me and returned to using his tongue up and down, around, and on my balls.
When he took me into his mouth again, I tightened my grip on his hair and kept him in place. Moving my hips back, I kept only the tip of my dick inside his mouth. His disgruntled hum sent little shocks across my sensitive nerves. He resorted to stimulating me as much as he could with his tongue.
“You’re so needy, baby.”
My sudden, forceful thrust made him grunt. His throat squeezed my dick and in combination with his firm grip at my base, I felt fucking euphoric. My eyes fluttered closed for a moment before I opened them to stare at the endless stars above us.
Tilian moaned and whimpered around my shaft, and he didn’t try to stop me or slow me down. He took it all and enjoyed it like the perfect little fucktoy he was.
I took a minute to stare down at him. His eyes were already on me. A layer of tears made the blue sparkle beautifully. When I stopped moving my hips, he dug his fingers into the backs of my thighs, begging me for more.
Gah. He was the hottest thing I’d ever seen, but if I kept going, I’d cum down his throat. That wouldn’t give me a chance to explore the most depraved parts of him. And me.
“Don’t be greedy, Tilian,” I chided.
He rolled his eyes and pulled back. I trailed my thumb through the wetness dripping from his lips, then pushed it back into his mouth. He sucked on it with a loud moan.
“On your stomach,” I demanded.
He stripped out of his clothes, then laid down. I kicked off my pants and pulled my shirt over my head. On my knees, I palmed both of his ass cheeks and kneaded them with my fingers. He watched me over his shoulder as I spread him open to stare at his perfect asshole.
“Put your head down,” I instructed.
“No.”
I squeezed hard as I met his eyes. “Watching is a privilege. I don’t want you to anticipate any of my next moves.”
He whined, jutting his lip out adorably before he dropped his forehead onto his arms. I lowered onto my elbows and sunk my teeth into his cheek, making him jolt.
“Are you hard for me, Tilian?” He nodded. “You can’t touch yourself like this. Do you think you’ll still be able to cum?”
“Let’s find out,” he grumbled.
“Alright, you fucking brat.”
I spread his cheeks apart and made a single swipe over his hole with my tongue. The sound he made was muffled in his arms. When he tried to push back against me, I held him in place. Using firm pressure, I played at his entrance.
“Mm. Brooks,” he whimpered.
I pulled back to stare at his glistening hole. Spreading him as wide as I could, I circled his rim. His little gasps came quicker as I teased him with soft, slow touches.
“Please, Brooks. I need more.”
After streaming spit onto him, I stimulated him with my thumb. I obliged his pleas and gave his greedy ass two fingers at once. After his initial little cry of shock, he shifted to find more stimulation.
With my free hand, I grabbed the bottle of lube by my knee and squirted some on my knuckles, then thrust in further. As I continued, it leaked onto my fingers and was pushed into him. It became slick enough that my third finger was sucked in easily. I twisted and stretched them before I angled them and went directly for his prostate.
“God,” he grunted.
Leaning forward, I trailed my fingers down his spine. My lips pressed against his hip, then I bit down on his ass cheek.
I pulled my fingers free to stare at his asshole, open and fucking begging to be filled. Sinking them inside of him again, I reached deep before I removed them, then repeated those long strokes.
“Brooks,” he whined.
“Shh. I’ll give you everything you need, baby.”