Chapter 42
“Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.”
Brooks
This is where I claim my freedom
I took a deep breath and pulled down the hem of my hoodie. In any other instance, I would’ve worn something nicer. My hair would be up and I’d fashion the perfect image of myself. Not now. This was what we called making moves.
After I finished here, I had a call to make. That was even worse, which was why I needed to fuck shit up first.
Swallowing hard, I knocked. I heard the click of heels before the door swung inward.
“Brooks,” Holly greeted.
She was dressed similarly to last time, making her intentions clear. I’d called ahead so that I wouldn’t waste my time if she wasn’t here. It was also the professional thing to do. Allegedly.
“What’s up?” I said.
She kept her smile in place, but I could tell she was a little thrown off by the casualness of my demeanor. When she invited me into the office, I strode over to the desk instead of the chairs. I was hyper aware of the way my hair brushed across my back, and the beanie on my head might’ve been burning my scalp. Or it was just that all too familiar feeling that always preceded me putting my hair in a bun.
Leaning back against the desk, I kept my hands in my pockets and crossed my ankles. As her eyes roamed my body, I thought about Tilian. He made me feel strong. For some reason, he hadn’t judged me when I opened up to him. That didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen if I kept letting him see me, but for now, it was okay.
Holly had shown up at my apartment and I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I didn’t want her involved in my life, just like I didn’t want my parents’ world to collide with the one I was currently living in. All of these motherfuckers could back off.
“You took a while to get back to me,” she noted.
“Yeah. Super sorry about that. Schoolwork, you know?”
“Right, of course. You work very hard. I can tell.”
I smiled at her, which brought her a little closer. There was a feeling of power that came from this, one I hadn’t really expected. Having the upper hand flipped everything around. The thought of what we’d done on that couch didn’t make me nauseous now, just uncomfortable and a little squeamish.
Here, in this moment, I was finally able to disconnect from it, but not in the way I usually did.
I dropped it and decided I didn’t want to do anything like it again.
It was freeing, even if it came back around to attack me again, because I knew that it was possible to feel like this again. I wasn’t going to drown.
Holly stopped only a foot away, assaulting me with her gardenia perfume. “I spoke with Professor Cook. He has a contract law class as well as-”
“I know who he is,” I interrupted.
Her lips thinned for a second. “His father is a corporate attorney here in Seattle. I realize that you’ll be returning to New York after you graduate, but building relationships, especially while you’re in school here, will always work in your favor.”
“Cool. I’ll see if I can talk to Professor Cook about it.”
“Well, I’ve already arranged-”
“I’ll work with him directly. Thanks.”
She drew in a slow breath, obviously annoyed to be interrupted again. Shaking her head, she stepped closer.
“Alright, Brooks. Let’s drop the charade.”
I pursed my lips. She pronounced it shuh-rod, which I knew was technically correct, but from her, it sounded snobby.
“And what charade is that?” I asked, pronouncing it like a filthy American.
“You want something from me. What is it?”
Biting my lip, I pushed off the desk, bringing myself close enough to touch her. “If I ask, will you give it to me?”
When she reached up to touch my hair, I grabbed her wrist. She must’ve taken it as a move because she licked her lips.
Gross.
“What do you want, Brooks?”
Using my grip on her, I turned her around and pressed her against the desk. A small gasp escaped her from the force of it. Grabbing her other wrist, I pinned them both to the surface beside her.
“I want…” I moved my face closer and her lips parted. “I want you to leave me the fuck alone.”
She blinked a few times. “What?”
“Don’t come to my place. Don’t talk to my boyfriend. Don’t bring your disgusting scent into my room. I could fucking smell it on my sheets. You know what I did with them? I donated them to Goodwill, then paid them to give them away for free.”
When she struggled against my hold, I released her and stepped back. As if this was business as usual, she smoothed down her skirt.
“You can leave now.”
“Fine by me,” I replied with a shrug before I headed toward the door.
“After your disrespect today, don’t expect any… special treatment, Mr. Elrod.”
My shoulders tensed, but I kept going, refusing to show any weakness.
Fuck Holly. I didn’t need her endorsement and I sure as hell wouldn’t let her drag me down to the depths I’d been stuck in for so long.
I was Brooks fucking Elrod. My parents built an empire and they raised me to be worthy of it.
If anyone was going to bow, it’d be at my feet while I wore these twenty-dollar slides Tilian dared me to buy and wear for three days.
I didn’t even hate them.
*****
My first breath of free air in my apartment
Once I walked in the door, I realized that I should have dealt with part two before I got here. In my head, I was going to do it in my room and maybe, if I felt like it, I’d think of a new tattoo. I was imagining a narwhal on the inside of my thigh. Any time I was sprawled out in front of Tilian, he’d be greeted by the little dude and it’d be adorable.
Since Tilian and Dean were unexpectedly on the couch with a giant tub of popcorn, that plan went out the window.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Movie night,” Dean replied around a mouthful of popcorn.
“I sent you a text,” Tilian said.
“Oh. I haven’t checked my phone. Is that from the movie theater?”
He grinned. “Yup. You don’t have to see a movie to buy from the concession stand.”
“Weird.”
“Come on. We got Red Ax. It just came out.”
“I’m shocked Tilian likes horror movies,” Dean noted.
Tilian scoffed. “Why the fuck would you be shocked?”
Dean eyed him up and down. “I figured you’d be scared.”
“That’s the point. And no, a horror movie has never actually freaked me out. Are you stereotyping here?”
“How would I be doing that?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
Dean tried to hide his smile. “Aren’t you like… a twink or something?”
Tilian’s mouth fell open. “Fuck you. No, I’m not a twink. Why do you think that?”
He looked awkward now and when he glanced at me, I just crossed my arms over my chest, waiting while I fought with everything I had not to laugh. He’d gotten himself into this and even though we were civil now, I wasn’t going to come to his aid unless he was on the verge of death. Maybe.
“Um, you’re a…” he trailed off.
Tilian looked at me with an expression that screamed ‘the audacity!’
“A bottom?” he filled in for him. Dean just looked at the floor.
“Not all twinks are strictly bottoms,” I pointed out. “And Tilian is lightly vers. He just has a preference, especially with someone who makes him want to call them God.”
He chuckled. “I’d fuck Brooks.”
“And I’d let you, baby.”
“Ok, well…” Dean trailed off. “You’re, like, small.”
“One, I am five fucking eleven. Two, you can be a tall-ish twink. I’m not small, I’m just not dramatically beefed up like you. Body hair is also a factor. And again, there’s no one size fits all. Seriously, where are you getting your information from?”
Dean turned to me with pleading eyes. Tilian’s rant was more than amusing and Dean could obviously do with some educating lest he start going around calling guys twinks or bears on campus.
I shrugged. “Don’t look at me. I don’t categorize people. Seems pointless to me.”
“Yeah, but you’re pan,” Dean pointed out. “Aren’t you open all around?”
“Sexuality, sex, gender, all of that isn’t a factor for me. A lot of people label things, so maybe Tilian should make you a slideshow. I can just imagine Kai knocking you out if you said that to Sen because he’s a bottom and smaller than his boyfriend.”
“No slideshow,” Tilian said. “Just treat people like they’re people. Not like a body type.”
“Okay,” Dean said, holding up his hands in surrender. “Obviously, ignorance is my fatal flaw. Sorry, Tilian.”
“Chill. I’m not offended. I mostly wanted to see you freak out.”
Dean tossed a handful of popcorn at him, which earned him a hot tamale to the eye.
Well, at least they could entertain themselves for a few. Maybe Tilian would tell him about otters.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” I announced as I slid the glass door open.
“That’s a door?” Dean shouted.
His shocked expression while I stepped onto the balcony was hilarious. Did he think I’d airlifted a table up here? One that I couldn’t use, at that.
I dropped into one of the plush chairs in the corner and put in my earbuds. With careful breaths, I tried to keep my heartbeat steady while the phone rang. I was more nervous because my boyfriend was right inside and if things went to shit, I’d have to work extra hard to keep him from noticing.
I wasn’t supposed to hide from him. I kept reminding myself of that, but I wasn’t going to share everything. This situation with my mom might not be fixable and I didn’t need him to coax me through it.
The fact of the matter was that no matter how much I chose to put my foot down now, I’d eventually rejoin the land of the soulless living. And I was okay with that. All I wanted was some space to breathe until then and to build this relationship. If I wanted it to last long into the future, I had to do this and more.
“Brooks,” she answered. “God, it’s been ages.”
“Nah, we’d both be long dead and disintegrated by that point.”
“I’m not in the mood for your attitude right now. What has been going on with you?”
“Nothing much. Just focusing on school.”
“Mhm. You’ve never ignored us like this. We’ve been worried sick about you.”
I brought my feet up on the chair while I stared out at the water. Ever since the day at the lake, I’d been keeping in touch with my dad over text. It seemed weird that she didn’t know that.
“Look,” I sighed. “I’ve needed some space.”
“Space,” she repeated. “You have all the space in the world. A whole city across the country.”
“That’s irrelevant. I’ve been suffocated.”
“That’s ridiculous. Since when?”
“Since I was born! Are you fucking kidding me?”
I clenched my teeth and glanced through the window. Tilian was watching me, so I smiled at him before I focused on the view again.
“Is this because of Holly?” Mom asked.
“No. I mean, a little bit.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“Yes.”
“I told you that it was up to you. It’s your decision what you do and how you attain your future, Brooks.”
“Is it, though? You said it was my choice, but it was heavily implied which decision I should make.”
“I know how things work, so yes, I saw the best way to handle it and made sure that was clear.”
Getting to my feet, I leaned my forearms on the railing. I wondered if anyone had ever jumped from up here. It seemed like a major hazard.
“Mom, I’m not comfortable with what happened and I’m not going to do it again. I made that clear to Holly.”
The silence was uncomfortable enough to make me shift my feet.
“What’d you do?” she asked, her voice controlled and monotone.
“I told her to leave me alone.”
“Christ, Brooks. You didn’t have to sleep with her again, but why would you do something like that?”
“Because she came to my fucking apartment looking for me. She was in my room and she talked to my boyfriend.”
Fuck .
I pursed my lips tightly and hung my head.
This was the problem. I gave myself an inch and now I was losing my grip on everything. Slip ups were not something I did. Filler words were not in my vocabulary. I could feel the tornado begin to lift off the ground while I waited for her to respond.
“What do you mean by ‘boyfriend?’ You didn’t tell us.”
“I…”
It would be smart to stop while I was ahead. I should deny it, but I was flooded with a sense of wrongness at the idea. It was like a betrayal.
“Yeah, I have a boyfriend,” I said after a moment. “It’s not your business who I’m seeing.”
“It is my business if it’s affecting your future. That’s why you’ve been acting like this, isn’t it? Everything you’re doing is completely out of character. Don’t tell me you’re going to throw away your future for some guy you’ll get tired of soon.”
“What the fuck, Mom?”
“You’ve never tried to put in the time for that, always jumping from one to the next.”
“I’m putting in everything for this one.”
She sighed. “I’ve been young before. I understand that there are things you want to explore. Explore them, but not if they’re going to make you act like this.”
“You don’t understand a thing,” I snapped.
“Brooks-”
“No. I have above a 4.0 GPA, I have letters of recommendation out the ass, and I don’t need to gain a fabricated reputation by doing shady shit. You want to do that? Fine. Have at it. I’m not selling myself to secure a future. I’m not bribing people and I’m not forcing myself to fuck some faculty member just because she has connections. Don’t you care how that makes me feel?”
“Of course I do. We’ve all done things to get here.”
“And you must be really empty if none of that bothers you. Just leave me alone for a while. I need space.”
“Don’t hang up-”
I ended the call and dropped my head onto my forearms. When the phone fell from my hand, I stared over the edge.
Well, shit. That could kill somebody. Why didn’t they have something to keep that from happening? What if it’d been worse than a phone? A cat or some shit.
This would be the second phone I had to replace in the past month, but this time, it was an accident.
I opened the door and walked back inside with my head held high.
“I might’ve just caved in someone’s head,” I announced as I dropped onto the couch.
“Uh…” Tilian held the popcorn out to me.
Even though it felt like tearing out my intestines with my own hands, I decided this was one of those moments for honesty, so I pulled him close and lowered my voice.
“Before this, I went to Holly’s office. I told her to fuck off, so basically, that relationship is destroyed. My mom’s not happy about it, so I told her to fuck off too. Then, I accidentally dropped my phone off the balcony. Emphasis on ‘accidentally.’ I don’t really want you to say anything about all of that, but I thought it’d be good if I told you. So, how about that movie?”
Thankfully, he didn’t ask any questions. After he pressed play, he wrapped his arm around my stomach and leaned on my shoulder.
“I’m proud of you,” he whispered close to my ear.
Fuck the phone and that shitty conversation. This was quite possibly the best feeling in the world.