Chapter 44
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
Brooks
Making my own way- hopefully
Step three in my clever plan to figure my shit out was the follow-up to my conversation with Holly. I wasn’t nervous about it per se, but I also wasn’t as confident as I’d like to be. In a couple days, though, we’d be out of school and the city for a week.
Professor Cook was younger than I’d expected. It was impressive that he taught at Harmon’s law school. Then again, his dad was a major player in the city. The head of the department, AKA Holly, probably jumped at the opportunity to employ him, if only to further grow her network.
From our conversation so far, the professor, who insisted that I call him Stephen, seemed like a good guy. I had a cynical point of view, but I knew that the vast majority of attorneys weren’t fucked up. If my intuition was correct, he was a good one. There was that whole thing about wolves in sheep’s clothing, but I was pretty confident about him.
“I have to say,” Stephen drawled, “you’re quite impressive, Brooks. When you’re ready for law school, I think I’ll be lucky to have you in my class.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”
“Tell me more about you. What makes you stand out?”
After thinking about it for a minute, I leaned my forearms on his desk. “I’ve put in a lot of work over the years to prepare myself. I have the grades, the recommendations, and the drive. I’ve recently learned that it’s important to have more than that, though. The relationships I’ve been building in my personal life have opened my eyes and made me see things from different perspectives than those I grew up with. One might think that being raised by my parents makes me a prime candidate for a program as esteemed as this one, but I think that’s short-sighted.”
“How do you mean?”
“One day, I want to be not only a skilled attorney, but a just one. I’ve seen firsthand how those things don’t always accompany each other. I’m sure you have as well.”
He nodded his agreement, which encouraged me to keep going down this road.
“To be honest, professor, I’ve found myself conflicted since leaving home. I can’t say with one hundred percent certainty where I’ll be when I start law school, let alone when I finish. All I know is that I want to do better.”
“Better than who? Your parents?”
“Maybe. More importantly, I want to do better than myself. You see, I don’t think there have been enough past versions of me. I’ve been static, always going with the status quo because it’s expected of me. What I want from my future is this: I want to do better for myself and for others, not just the people I love, but also the people I’ll serve. Will I represent clients who are guilty of the allegations posed against them? It’s inevitable. That doesn’t mean I can’t be a good person.
“I want to look back and see a million past versions of myself and if all those versions were set up on a graph that shows how I’ve improved, I’d know that I’ve been successful if I see that line rising. It may not be monotonic, but as long as I’m trending upward, that’s okay with me.”
Stephen stared at me wordlessly. I forced myself to remain still, but I didn’t let that professional mask slip into place. I had a feeling that he valued authenticity. He was perspicacious enough to see things for what they were and I hoped he’d be able to tell that I was being genuine.
At the same time, he might see what was underneath- my innate desire to learn his weaknesses and target them; the urge to appeal to his ego; my willingness to throw my morals away if required.
Those things weren’t as solidly rooted as they once were, but they were still there. They were automatic. Not doing them took conscious effort.
I’d never be good, but if I was going to wear a mask, I wanted it to be one of integrity.
Stephen folded his hands on the surface of the desk. “You’re intriguing, Brooks.”
“Generally, I’d take that as a compliment, but in your case, I’m not positive that it is.”
He offered me a small smile. “It is and it isn’t. My dad is a good man, you know. He has strong morals, even if he is cutthroat. He’s a great contact for you to have, just as Ms. Whitlock told you.”
I blinked and forced myself not to look away. He was studying me and I wasn’t sure what the purpose was, but I knew that one existed.
“You’re obviously more than capable of succeeding,” he went on. “To be honest, I expected you to come in here like all the others. You’ve surprised me and my first explanation is that you’re incredibly smart and cunning. I believe both of those to be true, but are those attributes behind the things you’ve said here today?”
“If you want to be real, let’s be real,” I stated. “You’ve already made up your mind about it.” I leaned back in my seat and kicked my feet up on the desk. It was a bold move, but I was living in the world of ‘fuck it’ these days.
“Ms. Whitlock rescinded her recommendation. I’m sure you know that means something to a lot of people here.”
“And to you?” I prompted.
“I wanted to meet you for myself. Your parents are well-known and respected, so it was surprising that she’d change her tune. Did you piss her off?”
I rolled my lips, then stopped abruptly. It was a nervous gesture I shouldn’t have shown him.
God damnit. I didn’t know how to do things this way. My stomach was a fucking wreck.
“Yes,” I replied.
“How?”
“With all due respect, I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Were you going against the status quo?”
“I was.”
He smiled again. “Good. You’re an obvious product of your upbringing, but you know how to think for yourself. If you didn’t, my dad wouldn’t respect you, even with Ms. Whitlock’s high praise. He can’t stand her anyway. If you manage to accomplish all those improvements you talked about, I’ll introduce you someday.”
I dropped my feet to the floor. “Really?”
“Yes. The man who came in here today and spoke from the heart is one he would want to meet. You’re making your own way right now, even though we both know that you don’t really have to. I respect that.”
He got to his feet, so I followed suit. When he offered me his hand, I shook it firmly, just like I’d been taught.
“There are four of us who review applications into the program. As long as your file is impressive, I’ll be on your side.”
“Fuck, thank you. I mean, thank you. Sorry.”
With a chuckle, he sat down again. “Good luck, Mr. Elrod. Try not to keep pissing off faculty. There’s only so much I can do for you.”
“I’ll do my best. Thank you again.”
I picked up my folder and walked casually to the door. My body was humming and I wanted to sprint the rest of the way to the parking lot to release some of this energy.
Stephen wasn’t the only obstacle I had to clear, but he was a step in the right direction. Like I’d told my mom, my accomplishments could speak for themselves.
This was something I’d done on my own. I hadn’t name dropped or schmoozed. There wasn’t a single moment when I’d felt uncomfortable or like I needed to find a better way to appeal to him.
This was all me.
Well, that was bullshit. It was him. If he hadn’t come into my life and encouraged me at every turn, this wouldn’t have happened.
God, I didn’t deserve him.
But I was keeping him.
*****
All I have to do is keep it together
Dad: What’s going on with you and Mom?
Brooks: Idk
Dad: I’m worried about you.
Brooks: Don’t be. My grades are perfect and I’m not fucking anything up.
Dad: I didn’t ask about your grades.
Brooks: Look, I have plans. I’ve gotta go.
Dad: Okay. Have fun. We can talk about it this weekend.
I considered dropping my phone in the tub. Why not destroy a third one? Instead, I got out of the water and tossed it onto my bed.
After wrapping a towel around my waist, I left my room. Tilian was standing in the kitchen with a shaker bottle full of bright blue liquid.
“What’s that?” I asked.
His eyes raked my body. “Pre-workout. It has electrolytes and other shit I haven’t read, but science endorses it. Dean says it’s absolutely necessary for his workouts. I thought I owed it to the world to see if it did anything or was thirty dollars for no reason.”
“You’re working out?”
“You don’t think I work out? I run a couple times a week. You watch me leave.”
“I mean… I thought you were going on smoking walks.”
“Without you?”
I held up my hands placatingly. “I was trying to give you privacy. So, running, huh?”
“Yeah. But unlike you, it’s not from my problems.”
“Fuck you,” I laughed. “Can I try it?”
“Uh, sure.”
I grabbed the bottle and took a swig. Sticking my tongue out, I made a face. “Why is it so sweet?”
“Why not?”
“Jesus. Might as well snort Kool-Aid powder.”
With a laugh that seemed to bounce off the walls, he leaned back against the counter. I watched him take a long swig of the stuff. I’d assumed he just stayed like this regardless of how many Oreos he put back. Running made sense.
“Please tell me you need a workout partner.”
His brow raised. “You want to run with me?”
“I want to do anything that gets me out of this fucking place and makes me stop thinking.”
“About?”
“Everything.”
“Uh, okay. You have to sign a waiver.”
“A waiver?” I repeated, wrinkling my nose.
“Yeah. If I break you, I don’t want to get sued.”
“I’d win that case.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get your ass on a treadmill and see who’s superior.”
“We’re not even running outside?”
He gestured toward the window. It was three, but it looked dark outside. As a lover of the rain, I thought he’d be into it, but I definitely wasn’t, so a treadmill sounded great.
“I’m gonna embarrass you,” he whispered loudly.
“Bet.”
Once I turned around, I dropped my confident facade. I had no doubt he was going to destroy me and laugh about it. I was fit but not as a runner. I swam and lifted the occasional weights.
Well, at least I’d have a front row seat to Tilian Holloway’s competitive side. I was damn proud to call that weird fucker mine. More than that, I was lucky as fuck.