Chapter 11 #2
“We weren’t out to our families back then…those times were a lot different. So we had to sneak around. I think my father knew, but it was one of those things everyone just pretended wasn’t really happening. I finally came out to my parents when I was eighteen.”
“What happened?”
Vincent shrugged. “My mother cried a lot, my father said I was ruining my life. Said I’d never amount to anything if the military found out I was a fag.”
I flinched at the word. “Why was that important?” I asked. “The military part.”
He smiled, but it wasn’t a real smile. “Because the military and the St. James family went together like peanut butter and jelly. You couldn’t have one without the other.”
I settled on the rock next to him. “I hate peanut butter,” I murmured, which earned me another smile, this one genuine. “Did you want that? To be in the military, I mean?”
He nodded. “Only thing I ever wanted more was David.”
I didn’t like the sliver of jealousy that went through me. It was unexpected and troubling.
“So what did you do?”
“I did what my father said. I never mentioned it again. Not to him, not to the army.”
“And David?”
“Things didn’t go as well for him. His parents kicked him out when he told them he was gay. I begged my parents to take him in since he was only seventeen and still had a year of school left. I told them if they didn’t, I wouldn’t enlist.”
“Did they?”
Vincent nodded. “Peanut butter and jelly, remember?”
I nodded. I knew that feeling all too well. I admired Vincent for having the guts to use it to get what he wanted.
“David enlisted, but we weren’t in the same unit. He was a great soldier, but he didn’t have the leadership skills needed to move up the ranks. By the time I’d worked my way up to Major, he was still a Private First Class.”
I had no clue what any of that meant, but gathered it meant the two men hadn’t been on equal ground, professionally speaking.
“Did that cause problems between you?”
“No,” he said. “He was just so fucking happy,” Vincent murmured. “All he’d ever wanted to do was serve his country. If that meant cleaning the base bathrooms, he would have done it, as long as it meant he was giving back.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?” he asked as he looked at me.
“Was that what you wanted? To serve your country?”
His eyes shifted back to the view and then he nodded. “I loved everything this country stood for. Freedom, equality, justice…I would have laid down my very life for it.”
The heaviness in his voice had me reaching for him, but I realized what I was doing at the last moment and clenched my hand in my lap instead.
“Something happened,” I observed. “Something changed.”
“Everything changed,” he responded. “David and I were stationed at the same base. We didn’t see each other often, but every once in a while we’d find a way to meet up.” He looked at me and said, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was still in effect at that time.”
I stilled because I realized what he was telling me…and what it meant. “You were discovered.”
Vincent nodded. “Someone saw us holding hands one night. A few seconds of giving in to that need to touch one another, and that was it.”
“What happened?”
“We were both discharged. Other than honorable.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a step above a dishonorable discharge. It was the military saying we’d never been soldiers. We lost our benefits. It was like we’d never been…that none of the sacrifices we’d made had mattered.”
“Vincent…” I began, but he shook his head.
“I lost David after that. Not all at once, but that was when it started.”
“What do you mean?”
“David had always been someone who went full throttle at things. When he lost his parents, his home, I think the military became that for him. Besides me, it was all he had. Without purpose, he just…he didn’t know who to be, I guess.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I had some money saved up, so when we were discharged, I bought us a little house in Maryland. I guess I still thought something would change at that point…that someone would stand up and do the right thing. They’d see that all David and I had wanted to do was serve the country we loved.
I reached out to the military asking them to reconsider. Especially the type of discharge.”
“Why that?”
“Because it was like a stain on our careers. Potential employers wanted to know what we’d been doing all those years, but as soon as they discovered the OTH, they looked at us like we were nothing.
No one cared why we’d gotten discharged…
they made up their minds about us as soon as they found out it wasn’t an honorable discharge. ”
My heart broke for him, but I didn’t know what to say.
“I tried reaching out to every branch of government I could think of. No one gave a shit. We were less than nothing to them. For every person who refused to help us, I lost another piece of David. He’d already been struggling with PTSD as a result of the combat he’d seen.
The depression that followed made everything so much worse. We were struggling financially…”
“What about your parents? Couldn’t they have helped you?”
“My mother died a few years after I enlisted, and my father had no interest in me after I was discharged. The last time I spoke to him, he asked me if I was happy that my deviant ways had brought shame to my entire family. I wasn’t even notified of his death.
I had to hear it from my brother, even though he was overseas at the time. ”
“Was your brother…was he supportive?”
Vincent nodded and I felt a sliver of relief.
“Pierce was a colonel when I was discharged, but even he couldn’t stop it.
He managed to find me some work with a private contractor about nine months after David and I were discharged.
The work mostly had to do with protecting U.S.
contractors who worked in hostile countries…
like the guys who worked for energy companies.
I was basically hired muscle. But it meant I had to travel a lot, and I was away from David more and more.
About a year after we were discharged, I was home for a few weeks of vacation.
David wasn’t doing well and I begged him to get some help.
He agreed, and within a week of seeing a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants, he was better.
I thought it was a fucking miracle,” Vincent said with a hoarse laugh.
“I thought we’d finally turned a corner. I was hoping I’d be able to get David a job with the same company I worked for. Three days before I was set to leave, I found him dead in our bathroom. He’d shot himself in the head.”
I’d known from the way Vincent had been talking that his story wouldn’t have a good outcome, but he still caught me off guard.
“Vincent-”
“They wouldn’t even let me bury him at Arlington,” he whispered, and I felt my throat tighten as he wiped at his eyes.
I knew he was talking about Arlington National Cemetery.
I reached out to cover Vincent’s hand with mine, not caring what it meant.
He squeezed my fingers briefly, and then he was pulling his hand away.
He got up and stepped closer to the edge of the cliff.
There was a small guardrail, but it wasn’t much, and somehow seeing him standing so close to the edge after everything he’d told me had my heart leaping in my throat.
“I can’t tell you the details of what happened next, but I was approached by someone who’d been my commanding officer at one time in the army.
He worked for the Department of Defense.
He offered me a job.” Vincent turned to face me.
“I said no at first, because I wanted nothing to do with the government that had betrayed us. You want to know why I hate politicians?” he practically snarled.
“Because they sat in judgement of me and decided I wasn’t good enough to serve this country.
Not because I botched up a mission or I let men die on my watch.
But because I fucking held my boyfriend’s hand for thirty seconds!
Because I dared to allow myself those few seconds to feel! To remember what I was fighting for.”
I understood his anger and did nothing to try to stem the tide of it as he practically screamed at me. He seemed to catch himself, and he took several deep breaths.
“I eventually accepted the job because there was this part of me that wanted to show the fuckers that they hadn’t broken me.” His voice went particularly quiet as he said, “I guess David wasn’t the only one who’d found purpose in serving our country.”
Vincent shook his head. “The fucked-up thing is that I had a chance for something different. Beck’s uncle, Dom Barretti, had been stationed at the same base as me when I was discharged.
He reached out to me right after I’d accepted the other job, and asked me to join the security company he and his brother were starting.
I would have been a full partner.” Vincent’s eyes pinned mine.
“I chose wrong,” he said cryptically, and then he fell silent.
When he didn’t speak again, I said, “Why are you telling me all this?”
“You were upset that I implied I didn’t trust you to tell me the truth,” he said as he turned and walked towards me. He stopped just a couple feet from me. “I think if last night hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have been so quick to leave.”
The fact that he could read me so well bothered me more than I wanted to admit.
“Would you have been so quick to follow me if last night hadn’t happened?
” I asked, though I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I needed to know I hadn’t been the only one feeling things I shouldn’t have.
But did I really want the truth? Assuming he would even be honest with me.
Vincent studied me for a long time, and I held my breath as he stepped even closer to me.
I actually separated my legs in anticipation of him needing to be even closer.
I hadn’t meant to do it, but like last night, my body was overruling my head.
Vincent’s eyes fell to my legs and his jaw tightened almost imperceptibly.
But just as I began to sit up and draw my legs back together, he stepped between them and then he was leaning over me, his hands coming to rest on the rock next to my hips.
“No,” he said softly, finally answering my question, though it took me a moment to even remember what it was.
I didn’t dwell on the impact of the admission, because then his mouth was covering mine.
I knew I should stop the kiss, but I didn’t even try.
Knowing and doing were two so very different things. And wanting was a whole other animal.
Because I wanted Vincent more than I’d ever wanted anything else in my life. I didn’t understand it and knew it wasn’t right, considering I was so fucked up in the head right now that every interaction I had with this man was just making things worse, but I didn’t care.
I wanted.
That was all it came down to as his mouth danced with mine.
I opened in invitation for him, but he only let his tongue graze mine before he pulled away. Then he was stepping back. “Last night was a mistake,” he muttered. “We both know that.”
Yeah, there was that damn knowing thing again.
But I nodded anyway. Because at some point I would need to let reason return, and my brain would need to start making the decisions again.
“I can’t do this if you don’t trust me,” I admitted. “I can’t be someone you hate just because of my career.”
“I don’t hate you.”
I barely kept from laughing at that. Yeah, he wanted me, but that didn’t mean he liked me.
“If you want to know something about me, you ask me. Contrary to what you think, I don’t want to die,” I said.
“And you need to remember that everything I do has a reason behind it…last night notwithstanding,” he retorted. “My ability to protect you depends on understanding you.”
This time I did laugh. “God, this is never going to fucking work.”