Chapter 15
M yles
The door opened a crack, and I lifted a brow as I watched the narrow shaft of light make a line across the room, but Blake didn’t come in any further. I’d searched the entire fucking school looking for him, but it was like he’d crawled into a crack and disappeared.
So, instead, I was sitting on his bed like a stalker in the dark. I had a feeling he would check to see if I was in here, and I wasn’t giving him the chance to run away again.
He slipped into the room but didn’t look in my direction as he stared at my bed. As soon as the door was closed, he peeled off his jacket, tossed it on his desk, and froze.
“Ya didn’t think it would be that easy to avoid me, did ya?” I slowly unfolded myself off the bed to stand and stare my best friend down. There was just enough moonlight to make it possible to see a hint of green staring back at me.
“I wasn’t,” he said.
“Ballox. We need to talk, and enough of the lyin’ shite. I’m done with it. I’m yer best mate, the one person ya should be comin’ to, and instead, ya cut me out. Why?”
“I didn’t cut you out,” Blake said and tried to brush past me, but I grabbed his arm.
“Ya can’t even look me in the eye when ya say that,” I growled, and he tried to yank his arm away, but I tightened my grip. “Answer the question, Blake. I’m not letting this drag on any more. Especially when ya try to steal my girl out from under me nose.”
“I wasn’t trying to steal her,” Blake said, and there was a sadness to his tone.
“I like her, man, but I didn’t set out to steal her from you.
I just…the kiss just sort of happened. I got wrapped up in all my emotions and…
yes, if she hadn’t said she was serious about you I would’ve tried to convince her to leave your ass, but… it was low moment for me, okay?”
I let go of his arm and walked away to turn on the light before flopping down into his chair. “What the hell is goin’ on? I want it all right now.” Blake looked away from me. “This is me, man, not Nash, not the others, just me. I’m not gonna freak the fuck out at ya. Just tell me.”
“How do I tell you that you don’t know me?” He picked up his guitar and dropped down onto the bed.
“What the hell does that mean? Of course, I do.” I was tempted to grab the guitar when he didn’t answer.
He just continued to run his fingers over the strings.
“Fuck, man! Answer the question.” Blake rolled his head in my direction.
“Ya run off and tell Ren, but ya won’t tell me?
What the hell is this about? Do ya love me?
Do ya want to fuck me, just tell me.” That got a smirk and a snort.
“You’d only be so lucky,” he said, and some of the tension that had been clogging the room evaporated. “Ren told you that I talked to her?”
“Aye, she did.”
“Did she mention any of it?”
“Naw, she’s too good a person to spill yer crap to me.
She said that you need to tell me, but I’m starting to think that I should just go with my plan A and smother ya in yer sleep.
” His lip twitched up. At least his sense of humor was still intact.
“Please, man, this is me beggin’ don’t make me get down on my knees ‘cause I’ll fuckin’ do it, and that’ll get weird quick. ”
“I’m not a player or a badass.” Blake turned his head to look up at the ceiling again.
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you’re going to say?”
I shrugged. “So what if ya don’t want to be that guy anymore? Now that I have Snowflake, I’m not that guy either. So what’s the problem with that?
“Because I never was. Yes, I dated and partied with you guys and will do whatever is needed for the group, but fuck man…I’m terrified all the fucking time of what’s coming for us.
My father said that I didn’t have to be part of the family business, but I’d have to move.
That means leaving them behind, you and the guys behind, everything I know and now… .” He sighed. “And now, Ren.”
I leaned forward on my knees and stared at the side of his face. “And Ren? Is there more than just the kiss that I don’t know?”
“I really like her. I was secretly hoping to win the bet or at least ask her out, but you were already so into her, and then I screwed up so much that I let it go, but I can’t get her out of my head.
” He looked at me again. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fuck up our friendship, but she is more addictive than the coke. ”
“What am I supposed to say to that?”
“Nothing. Ren made it clear that she’s serious about you, and I’ll respect it, but I needed you to know that it wasn’t just to mess with you.”
“So she’s not just another number to add to your board,” I asked, and Blake laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“This is what I mean. You don’t know me. None of you do, but it’s not your fault. I was never the ladies’ man. It was always an act. I felt like I needed to act that way to hang with Nash and then you.”
I laughed, but the look on his face had me stopping short. “Yer serious? What is yer idea of not a ladies’ man? Ya have a new girl every week.”
“Do I?”
I shook my head. “Yer fuckin’ with me.” Blake pushed to his feet, walked over to our small fridge, and pulled out a bottle of water. He cracked the lid and chugged it down. “And how does this lead to ya using?”
“It’s been harder hiding the truth from all of you. Especially at the parties.” My brow furrowed as I thought back to the last year. We’d attended all the same parties, and although they didn’t all end up with sex, many of them did. Blake was there with a different girl at every single one.
“Hide what? I remember ya there. I could sing that song. Ya know the one…a little bit of Rita all night long.” I smiled, but he only lifted a brow at me. “Aw, come on, that was funny. Seriously, though, I’m not losin’ it. I saw ya there.
“I was there with a girl, yes….”
“Are ya like Theo and play both sides, ‘cause ya know I don’t care, right? Just don’t try to stick it up my arse, and we’re all good.”
“Fuck you.” Blake threw the half-drunk water bottle at me. I laughed, catching it and drinking the rest down.
“You’re missing the entire point,” Blake said.
“Then spell it out for me.”
“Fuck…I get panic attacks. That’s why I started using.
Yes, I would go to the parties, but I spent most of it outside or playing pool to try and keep my shit in check.
Last thing I needed was to meltdown in front of everyone.
I hate the large groups and pounding music and everyone rubbing up against me, all of it bothers me.
” He stopped, and I just stared at him. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him, but Blake was the most laid-back person I knew.
“You don’t believe me, do you,” he asked as if reading my mind.
“It’s hard with the image in my head.”
“It wasn’t always like that. I was fine playing the role until mid-terms last year.
I don’t know what it was exactly, but maybe it was the realization that we only have one and a half more years, and I’ll have to go through what Nash did.
By final exams I was a wreck, and everything became overwhelming.
Just getting up and going to class was…there are no words.
” Blake walked back to the bed and sat down.
“I suck at school, and even though my parents are great about it, they must wonder what the fuck happened to me when Theo is an academic fucking rock star. I don’t want any part of ‘The Family’ shit, but I don’t want to leave here.
I am a handful of months from turning eighteen and going through the initiation.
” His leg started to bounce, and he rubbed at the back of his neck.
There it was. I could see it now that it was pointed out, but I hadn’t before.
“Blake, ya know that we’d never let that fucked up piece of shite ever hurt ya, right?”
“Sure, you kill him, and then what happens to you?”
“I don’t care what happens to me. I do care what happens to everyone that fucker hurts.
I’d kill him right now, but Nash said he doesn’t have enough power yet, and it’s better to live with the devil ya know, than the one ya don’t.
I’m not sure I believe him, but he’s the one taking the beatings, so what can I do? ”
“I hate feeling weak. I hate it so much when you’re all so…well, you. You don’t give a fuck about anything. I hate that Lawrence holds that much power over me, but it’s so much bigger than that. I’m tired of pretending. I’m always wearing a mask when we step outside the door.”
“Then don’t. I thought ya were like that cause ya wanted to be, but if ya don’t, then don’t. Why the fuck would ya think we wouldn’t understand? Or at least that I wouldn’t understand?”
“I don’t know. I just…it’s harder than you’d think to reveal who I really am.
The fear of being judged and stared at. I’m whispered about right now, but it’s how dangerous I am, or how many people I’ve slept with.
It’s totally different when you randomly curl up in a ball and can’t breathe from a panic attack.
Fuck, look where we are. Do you know what kind of ammo that would give to someone? I just can’t.”
I leaned back in the chair and crossed my arms as I thought. “Okay, let’s circle back around cause I need to think on that. Ya said ya like Ren and that yer not a player. Ya want her, but I beat ya to it.”
“More or less, yes.”
“And ya kissed her cause of the stress, and ya like her, but she said she was serious with me.”
He shrugged. “Yes, I guess you can sum it up that way. I kissed her cause she makes me feel like I could be more than the failure I normally feel I am.”
I blinked, unsure how to unwrap that. I knew what he meant, I felt it to, but I couldn’t give her up.
“Look, I can’t snap my fingers and make all this that yer feeling better.
But I can tell ya that I don’t care if this is who ya are or if the guy ya pretend to be is.
I like both of ya. That sounded better in my head, but the point is, just be who ya want to be, and I’ll be yer mate no matter what.
I don’t think the rest of the guys would say anything different. As for the using….”
“I’m done.”
“Just like that?”
“Well, it hasn’t been easy, and I’m sure I’ll be tempted again, but I haven’t touched anything since the other night.”
“Okay, and what about Ren?”
“I said what I wanted to say to her.”
“Alright then.” I stood, and as Blake got to his feet, I pulled him into a hug. As soon as I stepped back, I let my fist fly and cracked him hard enough across the jaw that he fell back onto his bed.
“Fuck,” Blake growled, holding the side of his face. “Asshole, what the hell?”
“There. Now, yer forgiven.”