Chapter 21
B lake
There was no way I could sleep. My mind was racing, and my anxiety made the walls feel like they were closing in.
My knee was steadily bouncing under the desk as I worked.
It had been a long time since I’d put together models.
That had always been a passion of Theo’s, but I’d wanted to hang with my brother, so I learned to do them, too.
The skills were coming in handy as I carefully pieced the pages of Ren’s journal back together.
Adjusting the light, I stared through the magnifying glass and put a small dab of invisible glue on the page before using the tweezers to place the torn section into position.
The glue dried almost instantly, so you had to be quick but accurate, and you never needed a lot.
That was the last of the journal’s pages.
I’d tried hard not to read it, but some sections were unavoidable since I needed to match words and sentences together.
I knew her mom had died in the attack she mentioned, but the detailed description on the pages made me shiver.
I couldn’t imagine being trapped in a room and watching what she saw.
There was a sketch of a polar bear and where she’d seen it on one of the men.
The pain that was eloquently written on the pages made me feel so stupid for unloading my shit on her.
All my worry seemed trivial in comparison.
I knew Ren would tell me not to think like that, but it was difficult when I had a loving home with parents who were successful and thriving.
I never worried about a meal or where I was going to sleep.
It helped me put so many things into perspective.
I just wished I could control my emotions as easily as I could my thoughts.
I picked up the page, waved it a little to make sure it was going to hold, and then placed it in order. Luckily, the pages had tiny numbers, so I didn’t have to guess what part they came from.
The journal was toast. Ren would never be able to use it again, but at least her words had been saved. Next was the torn picture from her desk.
I picked up a larger piece. It was her mom’s face, smiling for the camera.
As I sifted until I found Ren. They looked so much alike.
Their eyes were almost identical, and their smiles were the type that filled a room and commanded the attention of anyone.
I spread all the small picture fragments out and then sorted through them to find the next one I was after.
It was going faster than I thought it would when I first gathered the remnants. Removing all the bits of the glass had been the most difficult. I glanced at the time and caught a flicker of movement before spotting Ren’s feet.
“Are you still awake, or did you get up early?”
“No, I couldn’t sleep,” I said but left off that I couldn’t handle the thought of her in the same room while I slept.
There was more to it than that, but I didn’t need more reasons to be tempted into doing something stupid.
Fuck, what I wouldn’t do for a hit and all the benefits without the inevitable shit that came with it.
Ren walked around to stand beside me, and I caught the scent of her body wash as the heat from her body seemed to caress me. I stiffened and purposely moved the chair off to the side as if giving her a better view and putting distance between us.
“What are you doing,” she whispered.
“I’m putting your picture back together,” I answered as I picked up the next piece with the tweezers.
“You can do that?”
“Yeah, it won’t be perfect, but it will be intact,” I said, placing it in the tiny droplet of glue.
“I already fixed your journal.” I pointed to the leather-bound book.
“You won’t be able to use it again, but you can read it easily, and no, I didn’t look,” I said, putting the next little fragment down.
This one was a section of Ren’s hair before it was entirely white.
It was so hard to imagine her with any other color.
Ren made a noise like a gasp for air, and I made the mistake of looking away from my work and up at her. As soon as I did, I wanted to touch her. She was covering her mouth, tears trickling down her cheeks. Ren’s face was twisted in obvious pain, and I didn’t get it. I thought she’d be happy.
“I don’t have to finish it if you don’t want me to. I just thought….”
I didn’t get another word out as she bent over, wrapped her arms around my neck, and hugged me.
Every part of my body betrayed my focused control.
My heart leaped like I’d been electrocuted while my arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her down onto my lap.
I prayed that she couldn’t feel how excited I was suddenly.
Setting the tweezers aside, I held her as tight as I could and let her cry.
“Thank you,” Ren whispered. “This means the world to me. You have no idea.” She broke down again, burying her head in the side of my neck, and I knew that this was dangerous.
It had the same adrenaline surge coursing through my body as the first time I used, but this was worse.
Why her? Why of all the girls I’d met and dated?
Why did it have to be her that I wanted to give more of myself to than the masked and shallow version I’d fashioned for the rest of the world?
Her soft, muffled sobs lessened until she was resting quietly with her head on my shoulder, and her breath fanned my neck with each exhale.
My mind calmed while I held her, but my body was on fire.
I wanted her. The urge to pick her up and crawl into bed was as intense as any craving I’d ever experienced.
“I should move,” she said softly, but my arms tightened.
“Sit with me for a little longer. You can consider it my payment for putting your picture together if it makes you feel better,” I said and then held my breath.
It was a low bribe, but I wasn’t below crawling around in the muck to get what I wanted, and right now, that was to hold Ren. “Please,” I said softly.
Nash would say I was pathetic to beg for her attention.
He would just take it as he did earlier with the kiss.
The jealousy that had gripped me the moment I saw that picture was still there.
There was no denying the shocked expression on Ren’s face, but it didn’t matter.
If Nash wanted her, he would find a way to take her.
Knowing that made me want to hang on to her tighter, and she wasn’t even mine.
“Okay,” she said, finally. I relaxed into my chair and closed my eyes, soaking up the moment.
I kept expecting her to jump up and run off to the other side of the room, but instead, I knew the moment she fell asleep.
Her breathing slowed, and her body relaxed into mine like she’d been molded to me, and all too soon, the same heaviness of sleep was pulling at me.
I tried to stay awake, but it was impossible unless I stood up and ran around, and nothing and no one was getting me to move.
S omething hard was nudging me. As I opened my eyes, I realized that I’d succumbed to sleep, and so had my ass. Light poured through the partially opened drapes, and I couldn’t feel my ass at all.
A few things started to register as my brain caught up to being awake.
Ren was still on my lap, in my arms, and sound asleep.
I looked up into Myles’s eyes, and I couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or not, but his arms were crossed, and I was sure the only reason I didn’t already have a fist to the face was that he wouldn’t want to hit Ren accidentally.
I looked around the room. “What time is it,” I whispered.
“That’s what ya want to lead with? Ya don’t want to offer any explanation?”
“Shh, don’t wake her,” I said, and Myles threw his hands in the air and marched across the room to the fridge. He pulled out a power drink. Myles didn’t look at me again until it was open, chugged down, and tossed into the garbage.
“Do ya mind explainin’ how I woke up alone and my girlfriend ended up on your lap,” he asked, but his voice was quiet this time.
I pointed to the journal, and he walked over and picked it up. Myles stilled as he opened the cover. His eyes flicked down to mine and then back to the journal as he slowly turned one page after the other.
“Ya put it back together.”
“Yeah, as best I could.”
“And yer almost done the picture, too?”
“Yeah.”
“Then ya had to be up all night,” he stated.
“Yeah.”
Myles sat down at his desk and set the journal aside. “That’s good work.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said and smirked.
His eyes lingered on Ren, but I wasn’t moving until she did so he could forget about me jumping up and handing her over. It wasn’t happening.
“I don’t know what to do with this,” he waved his hand in Ren’s direction.
“Neither do I,” I said honestly. Nothing in my life had confused me more than my reaction to her. She was a girl, like the dozens I’d met and dated in the last few years, and yet….
We sat there, staring at one another, and then Myles sighed and stood. I thought he was going to demand that I hand Ren over, but instead, he grabbed clothes and disappeared into the bathroom.
I watched him closely as he stepped out and pulled on his jacket. “Where are you going?”
“I’m heading to town.”
“Don’t be mad at her. This is all my fault, man,” I whispered, and Myles shook his head.
“I’m not mad, but I need to think. I’ll bring back coffee and muffins, she loves that,” Myles said and slipped out the door.
“Shit,” I whispered. Ren mumbled and shivered. I looked at Myles’s bed, knowing I should put her there and stop this right now, but when I stood, I laid her down in mine instead. She curled into a ball as I tucked the blankets around her.
“Don’t do it man, don’t fucking do it,” I said, but my body had a mind of its own. I laid down beside Ren and closed my eyes.
I’m such a fucking asshole.