Chapter 2 #2
At the peak of their divorce shit show, there had been a few nights when Aspen had cried so hard, they’d made themself throw up.
Noah had held them on the floor, curled over the toilet bowl, and stroked their hair back from their forehead over and over, whispering promises Aspen hadn’t thought he’d be able to keep.
And yet, here they were, and Aspen was “doing okay” because they had “gotten through this” just like Noah had promised.
“I feel like, while it shouldn’t, my gender is going to play a big role in my life moving forward,” Aspen said. “I want to make sure I find people who see me as the real me but are also okay with the fact that I’m still painfully new at all this.”
Noah nodded, and his knife moved expertly through the layers of the onion.
“That can be intimidating at first. My first few significant others were way more experienced than I was, and they had to hold my hand a bit—“ Noah looked up at Aspen. “But they both swore over and over they didn’t mind teaching me the ropes.”
Aspen leaned back on their hands, staring up at the ugly popcorn ceiling. “So, you’re saying I need to find someone who’s patient, experienced, and understands nonheteronormative sex?”
Noah coughed, and the chopping noise stopped again. “I…probably wouldn’t have put it exactly that way, but yes. I know you’ve said your sex life with Ethan strictly adhered to gender roles. If you think you want to change that up—”
“Oh, I definitely want to change that up. Not just in a ‘I want to top’ way, which I for sure wouldn’t mind trying, but I’d also love to try out different names for my parts and for the things I do with my parts, like—“ Aspen cleared their throat, ignoring the flash fire across their cheeks and neck.
“I've always wanted to get a blow job, and I’d love to experiment with different straps.”
Noah still hadn’t resumed chopping, and Aspen glanced away from the ceiling to see him staring intently at the cutting board, all the veggies and tofu ready to be cooked.
“I think those are totally reasonable things to want to try,” he said, refusing to look at Aspen as he spoke.
Aspen ran their tongue along the back of their teeth. “But before all of that…I just want to have a first kiss.”
Noah jerked his head up in surprise.
“A first kiss, as my true self,” Aspen clarified. “With someone I trust.”
Noah’s hand tightened around the handle of the knife. “I think trust is really important.”
“It is,” Aspen said, reaching for Noah’s hand and slowly unfurling his fingers from around the hilt. “And while I have lots of friends and acquaintances…there’s not very many people I trust.”
“You trust Blair,” he said, as he allowed Aspen to pull him a few steps to the side, until he came to rest between Aspen’s spread thighs.
“I do, but as I said, not going there with a coworker.”
“Do you trust any of the folks you’ve met at the bar or the Rainbow Bean?” Noah hedged, threading the fingers of one of their hands together.
“Maybe later on in my post-divorce adventures I’d be comfortable with those folks, but not right now.”
Aspen used their free hand to reach up and brush a lock of hair off Noah’s forehead.
Noah mirrored the movement, brushing Aspen’s bright blue bangs out of their eyes. “You look so good, Asp… Someone would have to be a fool not to be interested in you. I’m sure if you focused on any one of them, you could work on building trust.”
Aspen dropped their hand to Noah’s shoulder, rubbing the tense knot that formed at the top of his spine before slowly dragging their hand up to rest on his neck.
“I’ve never thought of you as a fool.”
Noah swallowed, and Aspen wanted to follow the path down his throat with their tongue.
The chords in Noah’s neck stood out, as if he could feel the trap he’d laid for himself. “I…uhm…”
Aspen’s stomach soured, and they dropped their hand from his neck. They hadn’t meant to trap him. Really, this could have gone a lot better, but maybe they could still rectify it.
“You don’t have to answer that if you’re not comfortable.
But before you decide, let me say one more thing.
” Aspen grabbed Noah’s other hand and held it tightly.
“I have never trusted or felt safer with anyone in my life than with you. You’ve been my best friend and my rock for years, and while I didn’t see you as anything but that for a long time, I think I… might be starting to?”
Well, that had started off really strong, but they’d sort of botched the landing. Noah squinted at them, and Aspen wished he could just read their mind.
Aspen’s eyes strayed down to his plump lips, and they rescinded their wish. Noah would probably be scared off if he had to inhabit Aspen’s brain with them.
In fact, he might be scared off if he had to inhabit any more of Aspen’s life than he already did.
Intimacy—especially new, floundering intimacy—was a lot to ask anyone for, but especially someone who had already given so much.
Noah had stayed up through countless nights, driven Aspen around, and even sat with them through tough meetings with their lawyer.
Was there any chance after all that he would be interested in taking on yet another task?
Aspen’s shoulders collapsed inward, and they tried to pull their hands out of Noah’s. “I’m sorry. Forget I—“
“Aspen,” Noah interrupted, squeezing both their hands until they looked up at him. His eyes were soft, like the barely there curve of his lip.
“You lost me, Asp. I’m not saying no, I just need you to rephrase the question.”
“Do you want me?” Aspen asked, as if that was in any way an okay question to ask him. “After everything with Ethan, and all these years, would…would you be open to anything else between us?”
There. That was as clear as they could be.
Fuck Ethan for saying Aspen couldn’t be thoughtful, and doubly fuck their parents for calling them childish and selfish for seeking better for themself.
They didn’t feel anything but proud of how far they’d come this past year.
Even if their hands had started to tremble and their stomach was balled up in a knot, that little butterfly in their chest was flapping away, and Aspen swore right then and there to protect it.
They would protect that tiny part of themself that wanted to fight for happiness.
“Yes,” Noah said, ripping Aspen out of their spiral.
“Yes?” Aspen asked, barely willing to believe it.
Noah nodded once. “Yes. I would be open to more between us. But before you ask, I don’t think I know right now what that would look like.”
Aspen’s little butterfly fluttered in happiness because, at this point, that barely seemed to matter. Noah wasn’t mad. He wasn’t pulling away.
He wasn’t sweeping Aspen up in his arms and whisking them away to his bedroom, either, but frankly, if he had done that, Aspen probably would have frozen up anyway.
“That’s okay,” Aspen said, bouncing both Noah’s hands up and down in excitement. “I don’t really know what it would look like, either, but I know how it would start.”
Noah allowed his hands to be jerked up and down, just like he allowed Aspen to tap his leg with their foot when they watched TV on the couch. “And how’s that?”
“With gender affirming kisses.”
Noah’s right hand twitched, offsetting the bouncing until their arms were moving out of sync with each other. “I’m not sure I know how to make kisses feel gender affirming.”
There was something unfairly attractive about the way Noah’s voice curled around the word “kisses.” Aspen felt a bit silly saying it, but Noah made it sound like a promise.
Aspen forced their hands to fall still. They couldn’t magically turn their voice sexy, but they could be earnest. “What are my pronouns?”
“They/them,” Noah said without hesitation.
“And what’s my name?”
Understanding slowly dawned on Noah’s face. “Aspen.”
Aspen sat up taller and leaned forward until their faces were only a few inches apart. There was nearly half a foot of height difference between them, but sitting on the counter, they were almost the same height.
“What’s my gender?”
“Nonbinary—sometimes leaning more one way than the other,” Noah said, pressing forward against the countertop until they were less than an inch apart.
“What’s my name one more time?”
“Aspen,” Noah said, his breath ghosting across Aspen’s lips.
“And what do I let you, and only you, call me?”
They both leaned forward at the same time as Noah whispered, “Asp.”
Aspen had known there was a possibility that kissing Noah would feel like kissing their brother. They’d been platonic besties for so long, it wasn’t a guarantee that pressing their lips together was going to change anything between them.
Not one to plan for the future, Aspen hadn’t put any thought into what they’d do if that turned out to be the case. Panic, probably. Make things awkward, for sure. Maybe even flee the scene, and possibly the country.
Thankfully, that wouldn’t be necessary. Kissing Noah felt as natural as breathing.
Without having to guess or overthink, Noah tipped his head to the right, and Aspen tipped theirs to the left.
As if they’d planned it ahead of time, they released each other's hands, and Aspen wrapped their arms around Noah’s neck as he wrapped his around Aspen’s back.
He tasted like coffee and bell peppers, a strange combination, and yet, it was also a craving Aspen could see themself developing.
“Asp,” Noah groaned, tipping his head back to take in a ragged breath before pressing their lips together again.
His lips were just as plush as they looked, and as they opened their mouths, Aspen found his tongue was luxuriously soft, and he knew exactly how to stroke it into Aspen’s mouth.
“Fuck, Noah,” Aspen whined, threading their fingers into the soft hairs at the base of his head.
“Yeah,” Noah said, pulling Aspen in for another round.