Chapter 2 #3
Their butt was starting to go numb on the countertop, and some part of their mind recognized that they were hungry, but Aspen ignored all of that.
They wanted to wrap themselves around Noah like a shroud and memorize the exact shape of his teeth.
They wanted to feel every catch of his breath against their chest and experience every tightening of his hands on their hips.
“Oh god, you feel—” Noah gasped.
“So good,” Aspen groaned, wrapping their legs around Noah’s back.
Their next kiss reminded Aspen of the summer the two of them stayed in their sorority house, not realizing the A/C didn’t run during break. Heat licked across Aspen’s skin as Noah’s beard scratched their cheek, and his hands slid down to Aspen’s ass.
Aspen let out a surprised yelp when Noah picked them up. “Babe! Don’t hurt your back!”
Noah pressed a quick kiss to the side of their mouth before walking them over to the sofa. “This might surprise you, but I promise I can carry you.”
A jolt of lust shot straight to Aspen’s groin, making their thighs quiver. They tightened their grip around his back, and he huffed out a strained laugh.
“Don’t believe me?”
“No, I do, it’s just incredibly sexy, and you made me…”
Shit. This is what they’d been worried about. What were they supposed to say about their arousal?
“Hard?” Noah offered, and Aspen scrunched up their nose.
Noah lowered Aspen onto the couch sideways and then climbed on after them. He sank down on top of them and pressed his packer against Aspen’s leg. “If it helps, your kisses are making me hard.”
Aspen shivered and clutched at his shoulders. His words were so unfairly sexy. “I’m not on T, though, so… I’m not actually hard.”
Noah studied their face. “There’s nothing saying you have to experience something physically to claim the term.”
Aspen ran their tongue along the inside of their teeth, collecting Noah’s flavor as they pouted their bottom lip in thought.
“What about hard and wet?” Noah asked.
Aspen allowed the words to roll around their carnival funhouse of a brain. Hard still felt off, and so did wet, and yet…
“I kind of like it when they’re said together like that.”
Noah smiled. “Yeah, I did at first, too. Things have changed the longer I’m on T, and as I’ve become more settled in being trans masc. I don’t use wet to describe my arousal anymore, but I know many folks do.”
God, Aspen couldn’t believe they were talking about this. “I, uh…don’t know what to call my top half yet, either.”
They also didn’t know how or where they wanted to be touched. Aspen had said just kissing to start, but was Noah already asking for more?
Noah lowered his head, placing soft kisses along the crest of Aspen’s cheeks before capturing their mouth in a gentle kiss. “That’s okay. There’s no rush.”
Wasn’t there? Aspen had been in a rush since the second they spoke those two words out loud to Ethan.
It felt like they had such a small window to declare everything about themself, their body, and their gender, in order to determine if it made them compatible with other people’s expectations and desires of them.
Would Noah still want them if they called their chest something else? Would he still be interested in them if they wanted to top? What if they wanted to bottom?
Shit, maybe they should have talked more before jumping into intoxicating kisses that made their head go blissfully, yet uselessly quiet.
“Noah,” they said to the ceiling. Noah pushed up onto his hands, so he was hovering right over Aspen’s face. “Do you only top?”
Noah ran his lips along Aspen’s forehead. “I prefer to top, but I enjoy anal from time to time. I’m very happy to teach you all about straps. I can’t guarantee you’ll get to use them on me, but I’ll make sure you’re plenty educated on it before your next partner.”
That little butterfly quivered under Aspen’s heart. “Wait, that’s…not going to be you?”
Noah sat up, and Aspen propped themself up on one arm.
“I don’t know, Asp. I… I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and dating since I got back from my parents' house, and… I don’t really know what I want right now.”
Shit, that was right. Outside of the car ride from Ethan’s house, they’d only talked about Noah’s visit home once.
Apparently, the visit had been an all-around shitty time, which was sadly pretty standard for Noah’s family, but this time had somehow been even worse.
Noah hadn’t been able to put it into words.
He’d just mumbled about unrealistic expectations and crushing weight, but there had been something different in the curve of his shoulders and the tilt of his lips.
That trip had broken something in him, and Aspen wasn’t sure how to fix it.
And then here came Aspen, with all their own unreasonable hopes and expectations.
“Oh shit, Noah, I’m so sorry—”
“Hey,” Noah said, cupping Aspen’s cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You opened the door, and I stepped through it, very willingly and fully consenting.”
“But,” Aspen said, sitting up further until they were face to face again. “You said you didn’t know what things would look like between us, and I was already going off, making assumptions and putting expectations on you. That’s the last thing I want to do after your—”
Noah pressed their lips together, effectively silencing Aspen and their swirling thoughts.
“Hmm,” Noah said, a smile dancing on his lips as he pulled back. “This could be quite useful.”
Aspen was torn between pushing the conversation further and going back to kissing. They somehow split the difference and ended up sticking out their tongue.
Noah laughed and, seemingly unbothered, sucked Aspen’s tongue into his mouth.
Aspen squawked, batting at Noah’s shoulder until he let go. “Wow,” they said, rolling their eyes at Noah’s satisfied grin. “This is honestly not what I was expecting.”
There they went with their expectations again.
“What do you mean?” Noah asked, picking up one of Aspen’s hands to play with their fingers. All of this felt so normal, and yet, somehow different, like everything was brighter and the sensations were sharper.
“You’re kind of serious a lot of the time. Or maybe not serious, more like calm and collected,” they mused. “I figured we’d have a respectful talk and then an official launch to whatever it is we’re doing. Instead, you’re so…playful.”
Noah nodded slowly. “I think that’s part of why I don’t know if I should date right now. No matter how ridiculous it sounds to be figuring myself out at 32, I am. I’m still trying to solidify who I am on my own, let alone with another person.”
“That’s not ridiculous,” Aspen said firmly, because it really wasn’t. The belief that someone had to figure themselves out by a specific age sounded like the kind of bullshit both of their parents would spout.
Besides, Aspen understood the importance of taking time to figure oneself out.
They’d spent the past year doing so. If they were having this conversation with anyone but Noah, they probably wouldn’t want to pursue something right now, either.
But Noah was different… At least for them, it felt different.
Maybe Noah didn’t feel that way, though.
Maybe Aspen still wasn’t enough to be worth trying for.
Aspen shook their head, trying to dispel the thought that once again sounded like some shit their parents would say. It was completely fair for Noah to take time to focus on himself, Aspen knew that.
Even if it felt like their little butterfly had sprouted razor wings and was slowly carving up their heart.
“If that changes your mind about doing more than kissing, I understand,” Noah said softly.
Did it? No, not at all. Should it? Probably, but since when did Aspen do what they were supposed to do?
“I still want you,” Aspen said, jiggling their foot against the side of the couch. “And I’m not even sure if we should date either, but… I am open to the idea.”
Noah soothed a hand down Aspen’s calf. “Can I have some time to figure things out?”
“Of course.”
“And if you decide you don’t want to do more than kiss, we can still go over any aspects of nonheteronormative sex you want to know more about,” Noah said, a note of something Aspen couldn’t identify in his voice. Was it…concern? Desperation?
“Yeah, I mean, like I said. I’d love to do more, but if you don’t want to, I understand.”
Noah slowly looked Aspen up and down, his tongue swiping out to wet his bottom lip. “I definitely want to. I just don’t know if I should, or if we should, or if it’s dangerous to our friendship, or—”
Aspen kissed him because they couldn’t stand any more questions today.
Noah let out a soft huff against Aspen’s lips.
“You’re right,” Aspen said, running their tongue over the slight stubble on Noah’s upper lip. “This is useful.”
Noah dragged them back down onto the couch, and they kissed for a while longer, the faint smell of chopped vegetables the only hint that this hadn’t always been their plan for the night.
Finally, Noah returned to his responsible senses and announced it was time for dinner.
Aspen did their best to keep their hands to themself as Noah fired up the wok, but they had to get a few more kisses in while they still could.
It seemed like, since they’d already broken the metaphorical seal on this type of intimacy, both of them felt fine continuing it, at least for tonight.
Aspen was pretty sure that no matter what Noah decided, if he wanted to try dating, thought maybe they could date in the future, or that they were better off as friends, Aspen still wanted their first post-divorce sex experience to be with him.
It would all just depend on him and what he wanted.
And if there was any way it could possibly be Aspen.