Chapter 4
Noah
The problem was, Noah wasn’t sure if he’d experienced a Gordy Simple emotion in his entire life. His feelings always seemed to come to him in a snarled knot, like the drawstrings he was currently fighting with on Aspen’s favorite hoodie.
Aspen was supposed to be over any minute, and Noah was freshly showered, standing in his living room in a t-shirt and joggers, struggling to put on the sweatshirt Aspen once called “the softest fucking thing in the entire world.” Sometimes Aspen would steal it, but most of the time they’d demand that Noah cuddle them while wearing it.
Noah figured he could use every advantage he could get tonight.
You must always be not just presentable but refined and at your best. Especially when hosting guests in your own home.
Noah tried to ignore his mother’s nagging voice in his head, as well as the mental image of her in a full pantsuit, scowling at the knotted mess in his hands.
He had just managed to untangle it when Aspen’s distinct knock sounded at the door.
Noah stumbled through his apartment, tugging the hoodie on over his head as he blindly opened the door.
When he finally popped his head out of the appropriate opening, he found Aspen standing on one foot, wearing Noah’s favorite shirt: a buttery-soft, ancient college tee three sizes too big, that they always wore hanging off one shoulder.
Up until this point, he’d never viewed the look as overtly sexy.
If anything, it was cozy, warm, and familiar.
Tonight, though, it caused another one of those clotted knots of emotion to rise up in Noah’s chest.
Aspen took in Noah’s hoodie and nodded approvingly. “Good to know we’re on the same page for this at least.”
Noah’s stomach churned, and he stepped back, gesturing for Aspen to come inside.
They orbited somewhat awkwardly around each other as Aspen removed their shoes and wandered into the living room.
Or at least, Noah felt awkward. Should he hug Aspen?
Kiss them hello? Was that something they did now?
Was that something he actually wanted to do or just something he felt like he should?
“Your poor teeth,” Aspen murmured, stepping in front of Noah and rising up on their toes to press a feather-light kiss to Noah’s jaw.
Noah’s hands moved on instinct, wrapping around Aspen’s lower back. He ducked his head, aiming to kiss their forehead, but Aspen tipped their head and caught his mouth in a kiss.
It was gentle and sweet, and he’d have to report back to Charlie that, unlike almost everything else in his life right now, it felt Gordy Simple.
Having Aspen in his arms made it clear that, at least on a physical level, there was nothing to untangle or work through.
He was very attracted to Aspen, and he wanted this, whatever this was, to continue.
Aspen dropped back onto their heels and grinned up at him. “Okay, good. I just wanted to check before we started talking.”
“Check?” Noah asked, taking a chance and pulling Aspen a little tighter against his chest.
“That kissing you still feels as good as I remembered.”
“And…does it?”
Aspen slowly licked their bottom lip. “It feels like everything I’ve been hoping for.”
Ah, there was that mess of emotions again. Hope, dreams, expectations. Noah didn’t tend to do well with those, or so he’d been told.
“I’m glad,” he said, working to unclench his jaw. “I really like kissing you, too.”
Aspen tipped their head towards the couch. “Do you want to talk more about that?”
Truthfully, no. All Noah wanted was to gather Aspen up in his arms and nuzzle his nose into the soft hairs on the side of their head.
That wasn’t going to get them anywhere, though.
So, he let Aspen lead him over to the couch, and he took up his usual spot in the corner.
Aspen sat down next to him, turning sideways to sit crisscross on the middle seat.
“Okay, so we’ve established that we like kissing, but aside from that, neither of us is entirely sure where we go from here?” Aspen asked.
Noah noticed a string hanging off the cuff of his joggers, so he brought his foot up to rest on his thigh and began winding it around his finger.
“I think that’s right. I talked to Charlie a bit about it today and came to a similar conclusion.
I like kissing you and would definitely be interested in being physically intimate with you, but aside from that, I’m not sure what else I could offer you. ”
His apartment fell silent, a blaring red flag when Aspen was around. Just like earlier with Charlie, Noah wasn’t really sure if he wanted to look, but he knew he had to. He took a deep breath and steeled himself before forcing his gaze away from his pants.
He found stormy hazel eyes glaring daggers at him. “Asp—”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Aspen snapped, crossing their arms over their flattened chest.
God, what was Noah supposed to do if even hinting that he wasn’t ready for a relationship resulted in this? Aspen was usually so patient with him—probably more patient than he deserved—but was this where Aspen drew the line?
“It means… I’m not sure what you’re looking for and if I can be the one to offer you whatever it is that you want,” Noah said slowly.
“Oh,” Aspen said, and they immediately unfolded their arms and rested one of their warm hands on his leg. “That’s fine, babe. I thought you meant that you don’t have anything to offer, and I was going to put you in a headlock.”
Noah snorted. Aspen wasn’t very good at it, but they play-wrestled sometimes when one or both of them was bored.
“No, that’s not what I meant. Although…” Noah wasn’t sure if this was going to end with him in a headlock anyway, but he thought maybe it was important to bring it up. “If you ask any of my exes, that might be what they have to say about dating me.”
Aspen scrunched up their face, flicking their neck to get their hair out of their eyes. “Why on earth would I take anything your exes have to say into consideration? I’m pretty sure I hate all of them.”
That wasn’t really what Noah had been trying to get at. “I mean, Veronica was okay–”
“She broke up with you over text, on your birthday!” Aspen said indignantly.
“Well, yes, but she had every right to. I wasn’t giving her what she needed. And then there was Chris—”
“He literally cheated on you!” Aspen said, shaking Noah’s leg back and forth three times fast.
“And then you threatened to cut all his hair off,” Noah said with a small laugh. He’d mostly forgotten about that, but the memory always made him smile.
“I also threatened to cut off Morgan’s hair after—”
“They broke up with me in front of my boss at the company picnic,” Noah said with a grimace. “They also had every right to end things—”
“But not like that. Never like that, Noah. It doesn’t matter if your relationship wasn’t working out. They shouldn’t have done that.”
Noah began tugging at the loose thread again. They’d gotten pretty far off topic, which was common for them, but he wasn’t sure how to get them back on course.
“At least Katie wasn’t too bad,” Aspen mused, their thumb rubbing absent circles on Noah’s thigh.
“No, she wasn’t,” Noah said slowly. “Actually, she was probably the best significant other I ever had…but things also didn’t work out with her.”
Aspen began shaking Noah’s leg again, four times, and then another three times. “Obviously, my last relationship didn’t work out either, but I have faith that if you and I–together, or on our own–want to find happy relationships, we will.”
Noah grabbed onto the slight subject change with both hands.
“I don’t know what I want, Asp. That’s sort of what I’m trying to say.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever known. My parents have always wanted me to be a good child and settle down in a nice, heteronormative relationship.
While I’m pretty sure I don’t want that, I don’t know what I actually want. ”
Aspen began tapping Noah’s thigh, in that repeating three/four pattern. It was so familiar, and yet there was something more to it now. Aspen’s hand was higher on Noah’s thigh than it would usually be, and Noah was hyper aware of how warm Aspen’s fingers were through the thin fabric of his pants.
“That’s fair, and I’m not all that sure what I want, either.
Actually–” Aspen snorted, and to Noah’s disappointment, they removed their hand to run it back through their soft-looking fringe of hair.
“Blair has been trying to sell me on giving polyamory a try, and the more we talk about it, the more appealing it sounds.”
For the first time since that painful dinner at his parents’ house, Noah felt hope blossom amidst the mess of feelings in his chest. With his string of failed relationships and the almost visceral reaction he had to his parents' expectations of him, he was beginning to think he wasn’t meant to be in a monogamous, heteronormative relationship.
He just couldn’t be everything one person needed.
He didn’t want to hold Aspen back from finding love, but it sounded like Aspen wasn’t expecting them to jump into a relationship right away.
Noah chewed on the inside of his cheek as he tried to figure out how to phrase this.
“If we’re both still figuring out what we want, but you think you would be open to polyamorous relationships, then that means you wouldn’t be closing off other options while we explore whatever it is happening between us, right? ”
Aspen gave him a flat look. “That sounds an awful lot like you’re saying you just want to help me kill time while I look for someone better than you.”
Well, if the Gordy Simple truth fits…
He would definitely be put in a headlock for saying that, though.