CHAPTER SIX #2
“Nice. Nice. Okay, so what’s he like?” Gavin was practically grinning from ear to ear now.
Had he always been this obnoxious?
“Unavailable,” Thad said sourly, his mood plummeting at the reminder of Madison. She was probably perfectly great. She was gorgeous in the pretty, white, blonde, rich girl way that Thad always associated with WAGs and influencers.
The happy expression slipped from Gavin’s face. “Shit. He’s married?”
“No,” Thad said shortly. “I don’t get involved with married people. Thanks for assuming the worst.”
Gavin winced. “Sorry.”
Thad waved it off. “He’s not married. He has a girlfriend though. It’s … it’s not going to happen, okay? We both know it can’t work out. It’s fine. I’ll get over it. I’m in a little bit of a funk right now. That’s all.”
“Well, maybe they’ll break up and he’ll realize you’re a great catch.”
Thad snorted. “Yeah, man, they’re really beating down the door for a forty-something ex-con with a crummy apartment and a car that’s falling apart.”
Gavin frowned. “You’re more than that. You’re—”
“Skip the fucking pep talk,” Thad said with a groan. “I’ll come to you if I need one, I promise, but I don’t want it right now.”
“Do you need a new car because—”
“You’re not fucking buying me a car,” Thad shot back.
The dude never knew when to fucking quit.
Gavin frowned but didn’t argue.
Thad slung his bag over his shoulder and shook his head at his brother. “You know, sometimes I miss when you didn't talk to me at all."
Gavin grimaced and picked up his own bag, immaculately dressed for his day as a high-powered general manager. "Shit, did I overstep? I didn’t mean to."
Thad let out a little laugh. "Yes, but it's good to have you back, Gav.”
“What’s wrong, babe? You’ve been super distracted lately.” Madison slid her fingernails across Graham’s shoulders in a gesture he usually found soothing, but it felt like nails on a chalkboard right now, making him shudder with discomfort.
“It’s just the start of the season,” he muttered, still staring at the screen in front of him. Buffalo was playing Winnipeg.
“Okay,” she said patiently. “But there’s gotta be more than that. You’re not sleeping, you’re …”
“Can you leave it? My head is in a weird place right now,” he snapped, feeling guilty the moment the words left his mouth.
He hadn’t meant to use such a harsh tone. She didn’t deserve that.
“Sorry,” he said as she pulled away. He turned to look at her, wincing at the worried expression on her face. “Look, I mean it. I’m sorry. I know I’ve been acting strange lately and I’m sorry.”
She frowned. “But you don’t want to talk about it?”
He hesitated. “I … I don’t want to hurt you.”
She swallowed audibly. “Are you breaking up with me again?”
“No!” He protested, then winced. “At least, I don’t think so. You might want to break up with me if I tell you what’s going on in my head though.”
“Graham, what is going on? You’re—you’re acting like you did last spring and …” Her mouth made a soft, round ‘o’, then she snapped her jaw shut. “It’s about the woman you kissed then, isn’t it? You still have feelings for her.”
“There’s no woman!” he protested.
“No, that’s totally it,” she said, pulling away. “You were fine all summer when we were away from the team and now you’re acting weird again. Does she work for the organization? Is that it?”
The worst part was, Madison didn’t even sound jealous. She sounded worried about him. She was way too fucking nice for him.
“There’s no woman,” he repeated, staring down at his hands. “But, um, there might be a guy.”
There was silence for a moment before her hand returned to his back, scratching again. “Oh, Graham.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Look, nothing’s happened. I swear. We kissed last spring and nothing’s happened since.”
“Okay. I believe you.”
He glanced over and there was nothing but compassion on her face. Fuck, he definitely didn’t deserve her.
“So, you’re having a little bit of a hard time with your sexuality?” she asked.
Graham rubbed his face. “I dunno. That’s the thing. I don’t think it’s so much about my sexuality as … as him. Who he is and all the reasons I shouldn’t feel like this about him, then feeling like shit for wanting him when I’m with you. I feel like I’m fucking everything up everywhere and …”
“Babe …”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, miserable. “I didn’t want to do this.”
“I know.” She leaned her cheek against his shoulder. “Me either.”
“You’re great,” he said.
She laughed. “I know I am.”
“And like … it’s not about you.”
“I know that too.”
“But I …” He closed his eyes. “I don’t know what else to do.”
“Can I be honest?” she asked, pulling back again.
“Sure.” He braced himself.
“I’m not in love with you.”
“Okay.” That was both disappointing and a relief.
“No. Look at me, babe.” She tugged at him gently until he turned to face her.
“You are a catch. You’re a super amazing guy and I think you’re going to make some girl—or, uh, someone—very happy someday.
But I haven’t let myself get that deep because I don’t think you ever really give yourself a chance to fall in love with the person you’re with. ”
He frowned.
She sat back and crossed her legs. “And, like, I get it, okay? Hockey’s kinda your focus and anyone you’re with is always going to come a little bit second to that.”
He opened his mouth to protest, then closed it, wondering if she was right.
“You also said from the beginning you were a serial monogamist. You wanted a long-term relationship and to fall in love and you’re not interested in the casual stuff, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So if you’re looking for love, why doesn’t it ever work out for you?”
“I …” He frowned. “I don’t know.”
Her expression turned soft again. “I think you need to think about if you’re being honest with yourself.
I’m not saying you don’t want love. I think you do.
I … I think you’ve convinced yourself you want the safe choice.
The one who checks all the boxes. The one who will be there to cheer you on at games and be okay with the life of a WAG—”
“SAP,” he corrected automatically. “They’re called SAPs now. Spouses and partners. It’s more gender inclusive.”
“The life of a SAP,” she said gently. “The girl you can bring home to your family and all that. But Graham. What if that’s not what you want at all? What if you don’t want the safe choice? What if you want someone who turns you upside down and shakes you to your core?”