28. Thea
28
THEA
I shifted on the chaise, the late-afternoon sun beating down on me. I was trying to focus on my book. It should’ve had me flipping the pages at a fevered pace because the Highlander hero had just realized that he’d fallen for his wife by arranged marriage, even though she was from an enemy clan. Things were about to get explosive.
Instead, I was replaying Shep’s words over and over in my head. “Don’t think I don’t want you there, Thorn. I want you wherever I can get you. Why do you think I’ve been coming to the bakery every day for months? I don’t even like sweets.”
He didn’t even like sweets? Shep had been in The Mix Up almost every day since we’d opened our doors. But now that I really thought about it, he rarely got anything with sugar.
I adjusted myself on the chaise. I couldn’t get comfortable. Felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I refocused on the page, but the words blurred together.
I was in such a distracted state that I didn’t even hear the footsteps on the deck until the book was being tugged out of my hands. I shot up to find Shep scanning the pages, a smile stretching across his face. “Not much of a reader, but I can see that I’ve been missing out.”
Ice slid through my veins as memories slammed into me. Brendan’s voice twisted and cruel. “This is what you spend your time doing while I’m not around? Reading this trash? But I guess what else would a slut read?”
All of a sudden, hands were cupping my cheeks. “Thea, look at me.”
I blinked rapidly, bringing Shep’s face into focus. It was only then that I realized I was shaking.
“That’s it. You’re okay.” His amber eyes searched mine. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Y-you didn’t.”
Shep’s gaze remained gentle, but his silence challenged my statement.
My tongue felt heavy in my mouth, thick, like I couldn’t get the words out around it. “He hated that I read those books.”
“Fuck,” Shep muttered.
“I know you’re not him. You’re not anything like him. I just—it’s like my body remembers it all and braces.”
Shep’s thumbs skated across my cheeks. “PTSD.”
I worried my bottom lip. I’d figured out that much, trying to research why I was still so scared all the time, even though I was safe. “It’s like my body’s betraying me all over again.”
“No,” Shep said, shaking his head. “Your body’s protecting you. It’s trying to look out for you. It’s just going to take time for it to realize that you’re okay. That no one’s going to hurt you.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes. “It makes me feel like a freak.”
Anger flashed in Shep’s eyes. “That’s the last thing you are.” His thumb skated lower, to my pulse point. “You’re strong. So fucking brave. And you’re not letting him win.”
The tears wanted to break free so badly. “Sometimes, it feels like he already has. ”
“No,” Shep clipped. “He hasn’t. Look at the beautiful life you’ve built for yourself here. And it’s only getting more beautiful.”
I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “You don’t know everything.”
I couldn’t look at him. Not when I was about to tell him what I had to.
The rough pad of Shep’s thumb swept along the skin of my neck. “I know there’s more. But I also know there’s no way it could change the way I feel about you.”
Tears filled my eyes. He was wrong. There was no way it couldn’t. And losing the promise of those words would kill me. But it was better now than later. Just rip off the Band-Aid.
“I’m not just protective about my identity because I’m scared Brendan will find me,” I said softly.
Shep’s thumb kept stroking. “Okay.”
The feel of his hands on me was too much. Too good. All the things I was going to lose.
I pulled back, breaking the connection. Walking to the end of the deck, I stared out at the fields that led to forests I knew disappeared into mountains. I wanted to be like that landscape, moving and evolving. Ever-changing so no one could ever catch me.
I felt Shep at my back more than I heard him. But he didn’t touch me, seeming to sense that I needed some space.
“I told you Brendan was good at tech. I just didn’t realize how good until it was too late.”
Shep didn’t say anything, just waited.
“A few months after we broke up, I got fired. There was an accusation that I’d broken the nonprofit’s morality clause. But the same day, an anonymous number sent me an article about Brendan donating a million dollars to The Literacy Project.”
“He got you fired,” Shep growled.
I nodded at the field, not looking back. “I was almost relieved because I thought that would be it. It was over. He’d done his worst. He’d already alienated me from all my friends, other than Nikki. I didn’t have anything left but work and her. I thought it was my chance to leave and start over. To finally be free.”
“But it wasn’t over?”
“No,” I whispered. “After I got home that night, it was like my whole apartment went haywire. My TV and stereo turned on full blast, my alarm went off. Then my cell phone started alerting. So many notifications it nearly short-circuited the device.”
I gripped my hands in front of me, squeezing my fingers tightly. “There were alerts for fraud from my bank. Astronomical purchases for escorts and sex toys. Lingerie. Calls and texts from strangers wanting to set up dates because my photo and phone number had been put up on an escort site.”
“What the fuck?” Shep gritted out.
I didn’t want to have to tell him the last part. The unshed tears swimming in my eyes spilled over and tracked down my cheeks. “Then there were the emails. So many porn sites, thanking me for signing up as a performer. They all had pictures of me. Videos. Because he’d put cameras in my apartment. Ones I never knew were there.”
My voice shook as I kept going. “I tried to get it all down at first. Did everything I could to remove it. Some agreed, others refused, saying I’d signed a contract. But there are so many more that I couldn’t even find a way to get ahold of because they’re in the dark parts of the internet. Places you never want to go.”
My breath hitched as I tried to keep the sobs down. “So, I just gave up. I never know if the next tourist who walks through the bakery door has seen every last inch of me. I don’t know if someone will recognize me and tell everyone what a whore they think I am. So, he won. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces.”
Shep was quiet for a long time. All I could hear was his ragged breaths behind me. When he finally spoke, his words shook with fury. “I am going to fucking kill him.”