39. Shep
39
SHEP
The drive to Thea’s house was quiet. Too quiet. Not the easy silence we often had with one another, but a hollow one. I couldn’t help but look over at her every few seconds as though I could keep her grounded in the here and now.
But I couldn’t.
Thea was a million miles away. And I was sure she was locked in dark and twisted places—places I’d do anything to keep her from.
As I pulled to a stop in front of her house, Thea jolted as if she were just now truly seeing what was in front of her. I didn’t wait. I cut the engine and slid out of the truck, rounding the front to open her door.
Thea’s fingers trembled as she attempted to undo the seat belt, each attempt stabbing at my chest. She finally succeeded, and I helped her down. I couldn’t resist the need to have her against me, to reassure myself she was safe. Beeping the locks, I slid an arm around Thea’s shoulders.
The moment her body melted against mine, I felt the tremors. My back teeth ground together as I looked down at her. “You’re shivering.”
“I-I’m cold.”
Her voice held the same tremor as her body, and it had rage coursing through me. I guided her toward the house, doing all I could to keep from holding her too tightly. “Come on. Let’s get you warm.”
The bright sun on an eighty-five-degree day should’ve been enough. But it didn’t come close after the events of the afternoon.
I hurried to unlock the front door, ushering Thea inside. Moose let out one of his mutant meows but didn’t come in search of us. And the kittens were quiet, obviously still napping. All of that was good. Because if Thea thought her critters were in need, she’d go straight to them instead of letting me take care of her.
Taking Thea’s hand, I guided her down the hallway and into the main bathroom. Releasing my hold on her was torture, even knowing she was right there and safe. I hurried to start the water and turned it as hot as I could with her lacking water heater. I scanned the rim of the bathtub, stopping on a bottle of bubble bath. Pouring some in, it wasn’t long before a thick layer of bubbles coated the water.
I pushed to my feet and turned to Thea. My stomach dropped. There was a completely vacant look in her eyes. As if she wasn’t there at all.
Swallowing hard, I stepped into her space. “Thorn.”
She blinked. “Sorry, I—what are you doing?”
“Running you a bath. Need to get you warm.”
“I’m okay?—”
“Thorn,” I pressed. “Let me do this for you.”
She let out a shuddering breath. “Okay.”
She slid out of one shoe and then the other.
“Do you want me to leave?” It was the hardest question for me to ask. The last thing I wanted to do was to have any sort of distance from her. But if Thea needed it, then I would give it to her.
She shook her head, tendrils of brown hair swishing around her face. “Stay.”
Relief swept through me. “Okay. ”
I didn’t let my gaze dip as she slid out of her jeans and bakery tee. It didn’t matter how tempting Thea’s body was, that was the last thing she needed right now.
When she was done undressing, I took her hand and helped her into the bath. The moment she sank into the foamy water, I turned off the tap. “Too hot or cold?”
“Perfect,” Thea whispered as she slid deeper into the tub.
I lowered myself to the tiled floor, leaning against the porcelain. “Do you need anything? Tea? A snack?”
Thea’s gaze locked with mine. “Just you.”
A burn lit somewhere deep, scorching a path through my very bones. “You have me,” I rasped.
Those pale green eyes flashed brighter. “Thanks for making sure I wasn’t alone.”
“I’m with you. Always.”
I walked down the hallway of Thea’s house, flipping off lights as I went. She walked ahead of me, her gait almost drunken. I would’ve smiled if I weren’t still trying to tamp down the fury raging inside me.
Seeing her break down at the knowledge of those photos disappearing was nearly more than I could take. I knew that all of this had scarred her, but today was a wake-up call as to just how deeply. But I’d swallowed all the anger down. Because Thea didn’t need it.
After I’d run Thea her bath, I’d done my best to cook her an edible dinner. It wasn’t one of her gourmet creations, but there was only so much one could screw up with a grilled cheese. Then we’d curled up on the couch and finally watched Rocky . I’d thought that just holding Thea for two straight hours would help soothe the rage.
It didn’t.
The only thing it had done was remind me just how important Thea was to me and of the tenderness she hid from the world. It reminded me how much I cared. Only it was more than that. That was what I’d realized while holding her.
I loved her. It didn’t matter that Thea was her middle name or that she really had blond hair. I loved the woman beneath it all. A part of me knew I’d love her in any incarnation she dreamt up. Because it was her .
But that knowledge scared the hell out of me.
Thea nearly tripped over her feet, and I lunged forward to catch her. “Careful, Thorn.”
She smiled up at me sleepily. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “I’m wrecked.”
I kept a hold of Thea as I guided her into her bedroom. “Adrenaline dump. It was a big day.”
A little of that smile dimmed, and I wanted to kick myself.
“I can’t believe Anson did that for me,” she said as she took off her slippers and crawled into bed.
I slid in beside her and pulled her against my chest, still needing the contact. “People care about you.”
Thea looked up at me, her pale green eyes searching. “It’s been a long time since I’ve let them.”
That knowledge sliced at me, stoking the fury burning low in my gut. I pressed a kiss to her forehead as I turned off the lamp. “Get some sleep. You need it.”
“Okay,” Thea mumbled. But she was already fading.
It didn’t take long for her body to go completely lax against mine. Her breaths made my white tee ripple with each exhale. I watched the movement in the moonlight through the sheers and tried to take comfort in the feel of it. Of her. But it wasn’t enough.
All I wanted was to take the Sutton approach and hunt Brendan down. And it wouldn’t be enough to simply wipe him from the Earth. I wanted him to hurt. To feel every ounce of pain he’d inflicted on Thea and more.
The level of rage tweaked me. It wasn’t something I’d ever experienced before. Not ever. Not when my dad and brother died, and not even after Rhodes had been taken .
My skin itched. Felt too tight for my body. I needed to move, run and burn off the phantom energy. But I didn’t. I stayed right where I was and listened to Thea’s breathing, the way it occasionally hitched with slight half snores.
I didn’t move as one hour slid into two and then three. But when the clock hit one a.m., I couldn’t stay there anymore. As carefully as possible, I shifted Thea off me. Stilling, I waited. Her breaths were shallower now, but within seconds, they deepened again.
Pushing to my feet, I headed for the door. As my fingers closed around the metal knob, I turned. As twitchy as I was, I couldn’t help but watch Thea for a moment, see the way her exhales made the brown locks flutter around her face, how she looked so incredibly at peace.
I was thankful for that. She deserved every ounce of peace. But I wanted that in her waking hours, too. Never wanted her to fear Brendan and his twisted cruelty again.
The doorknob twisted under my palm, and I pushed as quietly as possible. Stepping into the hallway, I shut the door softly behind me and nearly cursed as Moose tore past me. Thea had warned me about her cat’s nighttime crazies , but this was the first time I was seeing it in action.
Moose did some sort of ninja flip off the wall and took off into my room. With my luck, the damn mutant would probably piss in my shoes. I wanted to laugh, or at least smile, but I couldn’t get my mouth to cooperate. Not with everything weighing on me.
Just the thought had that twitchiness returning in earnest. I moved down the hall, past the kitchen, and through the living room to the back door. Opening it, I stepped outside. The moment the cool mountain air hit me, I felt like I could breathe again.
The scent of the ponderosa pines would always bring the feeling of home. But the truth was, I had no idea if my roots were here. Had no idea if my birth parents had simply been driving through town and ditched me here. But even if they had, Sparrow Falls had become my home. My refuge. And it was for Thea, too.
I wouldn’t let her lose that .
I didn’t know how long I stood there, letting the night air wash over me and trying to let some of the anger pulsing inside me go. But at that point, I felt like I’d need the subzero temperatures of the Arctic for my fury to fade.
The hinges on the back door squeaked as it opened and then closed again. I didn’t turn around. I knew it was Thea. Not because she was the only other person here, but because I had some sort of radar for her. It was as if my body recognized her energy signature.
She slid a hand up my spine, and the heat of her palm bled through my tee. She didn’t talk at first, just took her time, reading my mood like a psychic worth millions. “You want to talk about it?”
I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into me, inhaling that floral scent mixed with a hint of coconut. It soothed far more than the pine lacing the air had before. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
Thea tipped her head back and looked up at me. “Is that a no?”
I sighed, my thumb tracing the ridges of Thea’s spine through the thin cotton of her tank top and robe. “Feel like this anger is going to burn through me. Everything that asshole put you through, and he’s just out there living the good life.”
Thea’s gaze bored into me as her hand stilled on my back. “He’s not.”
My focus moved to her, brows pulling together.
“There’s no way he could possibly be happy with everything he did to me. Happy people don’t try to break others down. They don’t try to ruin them. That’s what I’ve realized. He must be absolutely miserable, and that’s the only solace I have.”
I shook my head. “Not good enough.” It wasn’t fair that people thought Brendan Boseman was God’s gift. That the world didn’t know the truth. The fact that his mind was likely a miserable place didn’t cut it. It didn’t ease the fury coursing through me.
Thea shifted then, moving in front of me and placing her hands on my chest. “You need to let it go. If you don’t, it’ll eat you alive.”
I didn’t want to hold on to it. Didn’t want it to keep burning through me.
“What helps?” she asked. “When you’re angry, what helps? I usually need to get my hands in the dirt. Plant or tend the ones I already have. Shifting that energy to something positive usually helps. When I’m sad, too.”
God, she was so good. I lifted a hand, my fingers trailing over Thea’s face. “Building. Or even better, tearing down to form something new.”
Thea’s mouth curved. “We could fully demolish the guest bath.”
I wanted to laugh but still didn’t quite have it in me. I wouldn’t have minded doing a complete overhaul of that damn bathroom, but I didn’t have the tools we needed here. “Not tonight.”
Disappointment slid over Thea’s face, then something flashed in those pale green eyes. Something I didn’t read quickly enough.
Thea stretched up on her toes, pressing her body to mine. The moment her lips slid over mine, I was lost. Her scent, her feel, her taste. My tongue stroked in, and I took. There was nothing but Thea and me.
My hand slid down her back to her ass, pressing her tighter against me, needing more of everything that was Thea. The hoot of an owl overhead had me ripping my mouth away and breathing heavily.
“I’m sorry, I?—”
Thea gripped my T-shirt, her hands fisting in it. “I’m not.” Her eyes searched mine. “Let me help you burn this out.”
Fucking hell.
Standing there in the moonlight and offering me the world, Thea was pure temptation.
“I don’t trust myself right now.” It killed to say that out loud. But my mood was dark.
Her expression softened. “But I trust you. And more than that, I want all of you.” Thea’s fingers ghosted over my face, tracing my features in the moonlight. “You don’t have to be perfect for me, Shepard. You don’t have to have everything together. I want you just as you are, even when you want to burn down the world. ”
My chest rose and fell in jagged pants. A scorching fire lit in my throat. “Thea.”
“Trust me to handle it. All of you. I can. Because it’s you . And there’s no one I’ve ever trusted more.”
She had no idea. Everything she’d just given me…those three words played on my tongue, but I swallowed them down. I would just have to show her instead.