Chapter 33 #2
Walking up to the house, I can feel my hands begin to tremble, holding tight to Kai, but they still shake. I’m nervous as hell, emotional and scared. I’m still hurting and embarrassed, and doing this all so publicly isn’t something I’m used to, and there will definitely be tears.
Allie is welcoming, offering snacks and drinks before leading us over to where she has a whole makeshift studio set up.
“Ready to get started?” she asks, handing me a pair of headphones and motioning for Kai to sit just outside of where she has a camera set up too.
She explains that she uses a camera to record all her podcasts, using images and clips for promos, and it’s something I agreed to be a part of when I decided to do this. There are microphones and a large table with two chairs, and I take a seat.
Again, I take a deep breath as Allie’s team counts us down, and while I already know what she’s going to ask me, it doesn’t ease any of my anxiety.
Looking over at Kai, he smiles sweetly, and I feel my heart rate slow, finding comfort in him just being here.
“Hey, Little Liars,” Allie says, opening with her signature line.
“Today we have Quinn English joining us, and if you’re not sure who she is, just give us a minute and you’ll be hooked.
” Pausing, she indicates that she will be turning it over to me soon.
“She’s the estranged soon-to-be ex-wife of Sean English, the lead singer of The Provocation. Welcome, Quinn.”
“Thanks for having me, Allie.”
“Why don’t we jump right in? Tell me, are the rumors true? Eleven million dollars? Remember, tell me no lies,” she prompts, and this is it.
This is it, my time to speak the truth, to let the world know what I was up against, and while there will always be people who disagree with my choices, I hope there are more who understand and sympathize with me.
“Simple answer,” I start, exhaling hard, because here it goes.
“Yes. But it’s far more complicated. I never wanted to deal with the demise of my marriage so publicly, but that was taken from me when I married someone like Sean.
I tried to disappear, moving to Hawaii, but this kind of shit follows you. ”
It’s still hard to believe I married him, looking back on all of it now. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and I hate that I didn’t see it from a million miles away.
“I was approached by his team when I filed for divorce and offered a large sum of money. It was the kind of money that would allow me to never have to work again. But when I turned it down, the number was upped.”
“Upped to what?” Allie questions, as if she doesn’t already know.
“Eleven million.”
“Well, holy shit. Please explain how someone turns down that kind of cash. It’s the kind of money that most people will never see in their lifetime.”
“Oh, for sure. And I know people think I’m crazy, but by taking the money, I would have had to sign over everything that ever happened during our relationship.
All my experiences, my conversations, my life would be owned by Sean and his team.
I would be silenced, never able to talk about over five years of my life. ”
“So you were asked to sign a nondisclosure agreement?”
“Yep.”
“Do you know what you could do with eleven million?” she presses, letting out a low whistle. She shakes her head, and I can’t get over how great an actress she is, on top of being an amazing podcaster.
“Of course, I know what I could do. Buy a house, a new car, never work again, but every fucking day I would be thinking about how I’m living in a house paid for with money from a guy who practically destroyed my life.
For over five years, I lived in an emotionally abusive relationship, and he doesn’t get to win. ”
“What do you tell people who think you should have just taken the money? There will be people who say that, and there will also be people who are saying you’re doing this for money.”
I’ve thought about this question more than the others. It’s hard not to worry about what other people think, and the gossip that will continue to surround my breakup feels the hardest to overlook.
Already being called a gold digger, that I’m in it for the money, the attention, that I married Sean for the fame and being attached to it.
“This has never been about the money for me. I get that people will scoff at that comment, laugh at me, call me names and whatever, but it isn’t.
I married Sean because I believed I loved him, and I thought he loved me.
What he loved was himself, and I genuinely believe he just wanted someone who would stand next to him and look pretty, but not too pretty. ”
I pause, letting out a chuckle. I’m rambling, but Allie smiles at me, rolling a hand to tell me to keep going.
“I was so damn close to being that girl, the girl who just stood by him and smiled. I would’ve had babies with him.
I desperately wanted to, and not for all the shit people think.
Like I’d have him for eighteen years then, but because I lost my parents.
I was so desperately chasing the love of a family.
Thank fuck that never materialized,” I say, letting out a humorless laugh.
“This isn’t a drama thing for me, even though that’s what people think. Sitting here with you, this is for anyone who has ever been emotionally abused, for people who feel like their brain has been rewired, for people who are scared to leave, scared that saying anything at all will make them mad.”
“It took you a bit to agree to do the podcast,” Allie says. “Why?”
“Because even though I left him, I was still scared to piss him off. He showed up at my house, at a bar I was at, threatened me, and that’s when I was like, ‘fuck you, fuck your money and fuck your privacy.’ Why would I protect someone who never once protected me?”
“Whoa, that’s a strong statement,” Allie muses, deep in thought about what I’ve just said.
“And there were women before me, women who dealt with all the same shit I did, and they signed. He silenced them.”
“How does he manage to do this?” Allie questions, genuinely curious.
“He is a master manipulator. I thought he was an amazing guy when we first met because for six months, that’s who he showed me.
And I fell in love with a fake person, someone he created to get me to trust him.
Six months of love bombing, keeping me from the media and all the gossip, telling me that other women were trying to ruin his life.
And when no one stood up for him, that should have been a sign.
Then it was like a switch flipped, and he became controlling and mean.
Yelling at me while I cried myself to sleep.
Everything was my fault, but then I’d wake up the next morning, and he’d be apologizing, telling me he loved me, and that he was sorry.
He was going to change because he needed me.
That I couldn’t leave because he would die without me. ”
“Fuck, it was that dramatic?” Allie asks, and I nod, the tears welling in my eyes at the thought of how I survived it.
“It was a constant cycle of build me up, beat me down, and then apologize profusely. I hate to say this out loud because of the judgment, but I’d probably still be with him if I hadn’t walked in on him fucking another woman.”
Admitting that out loud feels embarrassing but also freeing, and when I look over at Kai, worried I’ll see apprehension and judgment on his face, I don’t.
All I see is love.