Rabbit Hole
June 8 th , 2022
It was a few days after Ann's funeral and Nate and Lynn hadn’t had much chance to speak. They were both too focused on themselves and surviving day to day to check in on one another. The doctor had to go back to the med-bay and treat patients together with the nurses Tia and Birdie. Although she wanted to see Nate, talk to him, and show him how much he meant to her, she remained distant. He was the one hurt and she didn't want to crush him with her presence.
Nate on the other hand, had fallen deep down the rabbit hole of his own mind. There was a consuming darkness inside his brain that sucked all the positive thoughts out of his body and only left the negative ones. His heart was powerless against the raging storm of negative thoughts inside his mind.
Nate raged, filled with anger about the betrayal and self-pity because life had been unfair to him yet again. Gone was the hope to figure things out with Lynn, the adoration for her, and the willingness to give her a chance.
Oliver was worried sick about his best friend, as he had locked himself inside his room for three full days, only coming out when the hunger was too strong to ignore and he needed to get some food.
That morning Lynn entered the communal kitchen to make herself some breakfast before her shift in the med-bay. Oliver and Marta were already sitting at the big dining table, enjoying their breakfast together.
“Good morning,” Lynn said in their direction before walking towards the fridge.
She was craving porridge so she decided to make some with apples and cinnamon. She loved the scent of cinnamon as it always reminded her of Nate. Consciously or unconsciously she decided to have this breakfast on the day she missed him the most.
“Good morning, Lynn. How are you feeling?” Marta asked with a slight tremble of concern in her voice.
Marta had experienced a horrendous amount of grief before, after her husband and unborn child were murdered. She knew how devastating the feeling could be and that it was important to let the emotions flow in order to heal.
But ever since the funeral, Lynn had only focused on her job. They still had Toby around so it wasn’t necessary for her to jump right back into the med-bay but the doctor insisted and told them she needed to be occupied.
“I’m good. How are you?” Lynn answered with a tiny smile on her face.
“Are you sure?” Marta continued, one of her eyebrows raised so high it got almost lost in her hairline.
Lynn sighed in response and, instead of answering her friend, she grabbed the almond milk out of the fridge and turned around towards the stove .
“Lynn. It’s really important to grieve. I know it all feels empty inside of you but you need to feel these emotions. You’re a human being and we’re all understanding. Your sister just died, you don’t need to work again just yet. Take your time.” Marta had risen from her chair and was now standing in the kitchen.
The doctor had her gaze fixed on the pot in front of her while she poured some rolled oats inside it. After adding the almond milk, she grabbed a spoon and waited for the milk to boil. All this time she ignored Marta, but then she turned around to her and whispered with a shimmer of tears in her eyes.
“I don’t know how long I’m allowed to work anymore. You know, because I betrayed the CIA, so I want to enjoy it as long as I can. Also, it helps me distract myself. I don’t want to be alone with my mind.”
“Oh, Lynn.” Marta engulfed her in a careful hug.
“Whatever happens, I know I deserve it. I fucked up. So I’m just waiting for the consequences.”
“Director Burns is still negotiating with a few lawyers. We were all interrogated already but he’s taking his time to decide, which is a good thing. He might be the Director of the CIA, but he’s a human being, too. It’ll be okay,” Marta whispered in her ear, still holding her close.
Of course she’d been disappointed and hurt too. But she and Oliver had talked a lot about the situation and they both agreed that they’d have done the same in Lynn’s position, so their anger had subsided pretty fast.
Would they have difficulty trusting Lynn again?
Sure .
But they still understood her decision.
Lynn freed herself from Marta’s hug, smiled at the woman in front of her.
“Thank you. Having you as a friend means a lot to me. Especially after everything that happened.”
“Of course, sweetie.” Marta said, smiling as well.
Talking about the betrayal again was like tearing open the wound in Lynn's heart once more, so she closed her eyes for a second, took a deep breath, swallowed the lump in her throat, and turned around to Oliver.
“Have you heard from him?” She asked carefully.
“Who?” the blond man asked, but his face gave him away.
He was a former Navy SEAL and now a CIA Agent, but he wasn’t able to keep a straight face towards her?
Lynn huffed and responded.
“Oliver… you know exactly who I’m talking about.”
“No. I haven’t heard from him. He’s been in his room for the last three days. I haven’t spoken to him and only saw him once by accident.”
“What?” Lynn exclaimed with wide eyes, and her lips parted in shock.
“Yeah. I check on him twice a day to make sure he’s still alive.” Oliver chuckled a little, a coping mechanism for the concern about his best friend’s mental state.
“He’s in a pretty bad headspace at the moment,” Marta added, and Lynn turned her head and looked at the other woman before her face fell.
“This is all my fault,” she mumbled, but only Marta could hear it. She placed her hand on Lynn’s upper arm .
“It’s all going to be okay. He needs some time to sort out his feelings. He loves you and he’s been by your side when you needed him. Now let him have some time to think about what’s happened and how he wants to go on afterwards.”
Lynn’s eyes glimmered with tears when she looked at Marta again.
“I know,” she whispered.
“It’s gonna be okay. You love each other. That’s all that matters. You’ll work things out around that,” Marta responded with an assuring smile on her lips.
The three were oblivious that the man with the ocean blue eyes was standing in the hallway with his back pressed against the wall. He was about to get some breakfast because he felt like his stomach had started to digest itself. It was almost painful, so Nate had decided to get a sandwich from the kitchen. He hadn’t heard the full conversation, but it was enough to realize that Lynn was in the same devastating headspace as him.
The demons in his mind were so loud that he wasn’t able to sleep, telling him reason after reason why he should never see Lynn again. Why he should shut her out of his life, and with every reason, every minute, every hour, his heart became weaker and weaker.
The only defender of Lynn.
Of their relationship.
Of their love.
When he was finally able to sleep, he was haunted by those chestnut-brown eyes in his dreams. These weren’t nightmares. He dreamed about all the sweet moments between them. Their first hug, their cooking session, the little pillow fight, every time he had her in his arms while lying in either her or his bed. Every time her lips connected with his, a firework in his stomach exploded.
He re-lived all these moments in his dreams. It was the only thing that kept him alive and kept the flame inside his heart burning because even in the soul-destroying chaos of his mind, he knew; he loved her and he wanted a life with her.
“Nate’s having his check-up appointment at 1:00pm. I’d appreciate it if you could make sure he shows up. I need to pull the stitches, check the wounds, and check his mobility to create his physical therapy plan.” Nate could hear Lynn’s voice coming out of the kitchen.
“I’ll try my best,” Oliver answered with a slight chuckle.
It seemed like the emotional conversation was over. Nate closed his eyes, took three deep breaths, and slowly entered the kitchen.
“I’ll be there,” he said towards Lynn before making his way to the fridge.
The doctor’s eyes were wide, her jaw almost on the floor, and her eyes followed every movement of the man she was in love with.
“Nate…” she simply said, but her voice almost broke at the end.
Marta quickly exchanged gazes with Oliver, silently checking what to do now.
“Don’t,” he responded into the fridge while grabbing the cream cheese and ham .
He already had a pounding headache. He couldn’t have this conversation now.
The small glimpse of hope in Lynn’s eyes disappeared in a second before she nodded. Then she turned off the stove and turned towards Marta.
“You can have the oatmeal. I’m not hungry anymore.”
With that being said, she hurried out of the room, leaving Oliver, Nate, and Marta behind without uttering another word.
Nate placed his plate next to the stove while peeking into the pot, apple and cinnamon oatmeal, his favorite.
“You want this?” He asked Marta, gaining a surprised grimace in return.
When Marta didn’t answer he shrugged and poured the oatmeal into a bowl before leaving the kitchen again.
“You big, stubborn idiot!” Marta screamed after Nate.
“Sugar! You can’t say that. You’re still his boss,” Oliver exclaimed, shocked, although he secretly loved his girlfriend for it.
It was almost 01:20 pm and Lynn had stopped expecting Nate to arrive because he was never late. As she hadn't eaten her lunch yet she planned to head to the communal kitchen and get some food for her still emotionally exhausted body. Skipping breakfast this morning probably hadn’t been the best idea .
When she was about to leave the med-bay through the automatic door she bumped into a tall and muscular body standing right on the other side.
"What the..." she exclaimed, astonished, before her eyes met the ocean blue ones of the man standing in front of her. Her gaze softened, and she whispered.
"Nate."
"I'm here for the check-up." he said with a quiet, emotionless, almost robotic voice.
Lynn saw the emptiness in his lifeless eyes and needed to swallow the lump in her throat. What had happened to him in the last few days?
"Sure. Come on in. Examination Room 1 please," she dictated and let him pass her to take the lead.
Nate took his seat on the examination table in the middle of the room while Lynn was closing the door behind her. She grabbed some surgical gloves and pointed at the backrest of the examination table. He had his legs hanging from the table but was now changing positions so she could reach his knee better. He was wearing tight workout shorts which managed to distract Lynn more than she would admit to someone. She placed her body on a swivel chair and rolled next to the examination table before asking,
“How’s the knee? Any pain left?”
“Sometimes.”
“Okay. I’m gonna take the knee brace off and then pull the stitches. Afterwards, I’ll check your mobility.”
“Sure. ”
His one syllable answers were driving her nuts but given the mental state he was in she was lucky that he was even saying anything.
“Wow, I thought you’d be a little more enthusiastic to improve in your recovery. If we continue like this, you’ll be able to be out in the field in no time!” She smiled shyly at him, which he didn’t return.
“Okay.” He said, and avoided her gaze.
Lynn huffed in annoyance while she opened the straps on the knee brace and pulled it off his leg. Then she removed the dressings one last time and grabbed tweezers and surgical scissors to pull the remaining stitches.
She was so lost in her frustration that she didn't even realize how Nate flinched when she started to grab the first suture with the tweezers to cut it with the scissors. It took a sharp inhale from the man on the table for Lynn to turn her head and look in his direction. His lifeless eyes were filled with fear now as his PTSD brought back memories of his kidnapping and the countless tortures he’d had to endure.
Lynn not only halted her movement but leaned back, letting go of the suture.
"I’m sorry. I totally forgot about your fears," she said with guilt in her voice.
She watched him clench his jaws even tighter as he tried to prevent them from shaking. Both his hands were also clenched into fists. His general fragile state had empowered his fears, so much so that he couldn't even stand something as simple as pulling stitches. Lynn removed her gloves and placed one of her palms on his forearm. The warmth of the doctor's hand crawled its way up Nate's arm until it reached his mind, gently silencing the demons in his head.
He’d forgotten that Lynn's touch was like an antidote against the venom in his mind. His breathing steadied while they sat like that for a few minutes. When he was finally able to open his hands and jaw again, he mumbled a truthful "Thank you".
"Always," Lynn answered with an assuring smile on her lips.
She removed her hand from Nate’s forearm, only for it to be caught by his strong hand half a second later.
He needed her touch now.
He needed her warmth, and he needed her love.
For the first time in days, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like there was hope left. So he held her hand and pulled her closer. A little startled by his pulling, Lynn needed to stand from her chair and move in his direction until she was right by his side. She looked down at him and Nate lifted his head in her direction until their gazes met.
The sparks between them were shooting around like bolts of lightning.
Lynn lowered her upper body until she rested her forehead on his and automatically the two closed their eyes. It was an intimacy that both of them had missed over the last few days - after everything went south on that one night at the end of May.
For another minute nothing but their steady breaths and their hearts beating the same rhythm could be heard within the room before Lynn cleared her throat and leaned back, opening her eyes again. There was some depth behind the cerulean color of his eyes, which gave her some hints about his true mental state.
"I miss you, Nate," Lynn said with all the bravery she could gather.
Something flickered in his eyes, and a glimpse of sadness could be seen again.
"I miss you too, Lynn," he whispered in a husky voice. making the butterflies in her stomach go crazy again. She hadn't felt them in a while.
"Then why have you been avoiding me?" she painfully asked.
"I wasn’t avoiding you. I was avoiding everyone. I was trapped inside my own mind." Nate sighed honestly.
He sounded scared and sad. He’d realized that what had happened to him over the last few days was dangerous and unhealthy and he really wanted to climb out of the rabbit hole.
"Are you feeling better now?"
"Much," he said while pulling her down towards him again to place a kiss on her nose.
Lynn practically melted under the soft touch of his lips. Until that moment, she hadn't realized how much she missed him. Cuddling with him and sleeping in his arms, it was like she was addicted to his touch. Before the blow of Lynn’s betrayal they had been glued together at the hip. Very close all the time, almost dropping the l-word to each other while cuddling and kissing in bed every night. They‘d been in a relationship, although neither of them had defined it verbally .
"Can I pull your stitches now?" she carefully asked, and Nate nodded.
Lynn slipped on fresh gloves and slid onto the swivel chair again to roll towards his knee. She turned her head to flash him another smile and quickly worked through the stitches to pull them all. It only took her 60 seconds until she exclaimed,
"All done!"
Nate let out the breath that he’d been holding during the procedure but he couldn't help himself and let his lips curl into a shy smile afterwards.
"Thanks, Doc," he said before sitting up and letting his legs hang from the table again.
He patiently waited for further instructions while Lynn tossed all the used equipment in the trash or into the ultrasound machine that disinfected the metal instruments after using them. Lynn swirled around in her chair and looked at Nate.
“We need to put your knee back in the brace, honey,” she said, and Nate’s face lit up the moment he heard the nickname.
“Sure. I totally forgot about it. What about the wounds? Do I need to put bandaids on top of them?” he asked.
“That depends on how you feel. You don’t need it technically, but if the brace puts too much pressure on the incisions, then we can add some.” Lynn answered while returning to the examination table.
Nate quickly grabbed the brace and pulled it over his knee to check if it hurt. He secured the straps and moved his knee a little .
“No, it’s fine.”
“That’s great. I’ll give you some anyway in case it hurts you later.” Lynn responded and placed a little box with bandaids in his palm.
“Always concerned, huh?” Nate smirked at her.
“About you? Yeah, always,” she answered with a twinkle in her eyes.
Afterwards, the conversation came to a halt. Several moments of silence passed between them while Nate watched his legs hang off the examination table. Lynn tilted her head a little and looked at him, confused.
“You’re good to go. I need some time to work on the PT schedule. I’ll send it to you as soon as I have it,” she said with a smile.
She thought he’d waited for further instructions, but as the brunette man was bouncing his leg up and down nervously, she wasn’t so sure about that anymore.
"Would… would you like to cook dinner with me today? I think I could use some solid food after the past few days. Oliver texted that he and Marta are going to watch a movie in the theater and I’d really like to have some company so I don’t fall back into the darkness." His voice was low and husky, as if he were ashamed of what he was saying.
"I would love to cook with you, Nate," Lynn answered, her lips curling upward while she placed her hand on his shoulder.
He copied her smile as the warmth from Lynn’s hand spread into every cell of his body. This was what he was looking for.
Love .
Happiness.
Peace.
And this woman was the only person who was able to give it to him. All he needed to do was give her a second chance.