Trust
June 8 th , 2022
Later that evening, Lynn changed into some tight blue jeans and a slightly oversized beige blouse with ruffles on the front and on the cuffs. She was nervous about having a casual evening with Nate for the first time since that eventful night.
Would they be able to just enjoy their time together and forget about what happened, even, for a short period of time?
With a small knot in her chest, Lynn left her room and made her way into the communal kitchen. When she walked through the doorframe she could already see Nate swirling through the kitchen while he placed a couple of pots on the stove. He was wearing tight, dark gray jeans, and a long-sleeved, navy-blue jersey shirt. The knee brace was still very present on his knee and, although he looked carefree in his movements, Lynn saw a little limp and hesitation in a few of them.
Lynn couldn't help but admire how the jeans emphasized his perfectly shaped butt. She quickly shook her head to get rid of the heat in her lower belly before reaching the counter.
"Hi Nate," she said and he spun around to face her .
His features brightened when he saw the doctor and his eyes wandered up and down her body for a second. Was Nate Sheppard checking her out?
"Hi, Lynn. Good to see you again," he smiled at her.
If Lynn hadn’t been 100% sure that this was reality, she would have thought she was dreaming. Nate’s mood had turned 180° since his check-up a few hours earlier. Nothing of the emptiness, sadness, and hurt was seen in his ocean blue eyes and Lynn wondered where it had gone. She knew from weeks of therapy sessions with him that sometimes his mind was a rollercoaster, but such a huge swing in emotions was rare, even for him.
"You're already busy making dinner?" She asked curiously, deciding that she would ignore the therapist’s voice inside her mind for tonight and just enjoy spending time with the man she’d fallen in love with.
"Yeah, I started preparing everything. I googled some pasta recipes and this one sounded delicious. It’s spaghetti with tomato sauce and lots of feta cheese in it. The recipe said it was a viral recipe from Tuck Tuck or something like that. I went to the grocery store this afternoon to get the ingredients. I also got us some wine, if you don't mind."
“Tuck Tuck?” Lynn asked with furrowed brows, really trying to understand what the hell the man in front of her was talking about.
“Yeah, this weird app that all the teenagers use. The one with the short videos that make you feel like a dinosaur if you’re older than twenty.”
“Ohhhhh, you mean Tik Tok?” Lynn burst into laughter .
"Are you laughing at me, Lynn?" he asked with a little snicker in his voice.
Seeing Lynn laughing like that warmed his heart. Even if his ignorance was the reason for her laughter.
"I’m so sorry, but that was adorable!"
"That’s not nice, darling!" Nate exclaimed and with a swift movement he grabbed the spatula and smacked it on Lynn's ass.
Lynn yelped in surprise. Both of them halted in their movements and stared at each other in shock. Nate’s body had acted on autopilot and Lynn hadn't expected him to do something so playful.
The brunette man mumbled a quick "sorry" before he placed the spatula back next to the pot and moved towards the fridge to grab the feta cheese. Lynn took a few steps in his direction, stood right behind him, and pinched him on one of his butt cheeks.
"Heeeeeey!" He exclaimed, spinning around to face his attacker.
His face was now only inches away from Lynn's and his eyes flickered down to her pink lips. Lynn saw it and decided that kissing him right here, right now, would cross boundaries, so she stepped back.
"We're even now!" She chuckled.
The rest of their cooking was very uneventful. While eating in silence the two of them gazed at each other and from time to time they let their toes brush over each other's foot. It was like they were lovestruck teenagers again .
"You wanna watch the third Star Wars movie?" Nate asked, after they had placed their bowls in the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen together.
"Actually..." Lynn started, and a frown was seen on Nate's face.
He was sure he wouldn’t like what was coming.
"I love this. You and me and all of this. It feels like our nights before the… before I… you know. And I want that back. I want to just enjoy my time with you without worrying if you still mistrust me or hate me. But the only way to be able to continue exploring our relationship is to talk about the past. We need to talk about it to be able to find closure."
Lynn hated herself for that. She just wanted to enjoy their evening without overthinking it too much. She wanted to kiss him and cuddle with him while watching a movie. But the therapist inside her knew that they needed to face those demons together before they’d be able to heal. It was something Nate was familiar with and Lynn felt awful for adding yet another demon to his shoulders.
Nate's face dropped, his smile gone. He knew she was right and that just ignoring their problems wouldn't help but he’d really enjoyed their evening so far and he’d hoped to have one peaceful night with the woman he loved in his arms.
"I know," he responded, the sadness in his eyes visible when he looked at her.
He could see sadness in her chestnut eyes too and knew that it must have taken a lot of courage to say what she said instead of just watching a movie with him .
"Let's head to my room for a bit more privacy, okay? In case Oliver and Marta return earlier than expected," she suggested and Nate nodded in response.
They grabbed their glasses of wine and walked out of the kitchen in silence.
In Lynn's room, they took their usual places on her couch and just looked at each other without saying a word. The doctor didn't know where to start. Their situation was way too complicated and too fucked up. Finally, she cleared her throat, gulped down the rest of the wine in her glass, and started.
"Can you tell me what hurt you the most when you found out I worked with az-Zawahiri to save my sister?"
Her question caught him off guard as he hadn't expected her to jump straight to the point. He closed his eyes and tried to calm the storm of emotions inside his mind to figure out which one was the strongest and which wound needed the most time to heal. Unconsciously, his hand grabbed one of Lynn's and suddenly the storm became manageable. He had a clearer view of the things going on in his head and heart.
"It’s not that you worked with a terrorist. I would’ve done the same if someone had kidnapped one of my loved ones," he started, a frown appearing on his face.
His eyes were still closed, as he was able to focus on specific things better then. Lynn had observed that several times during their therapy sessions. She’d also observed that touching her always helped him calm himself and find the right answers .
"What hurt me most is that you didn't even consider telling me. I get that you were scared, especially after you realized that he was able to hack into the security cameras, but it's me we're talking about. Why didn't you trust me? There would’ve been a way to tell me about it," he opened his eyes and Lynn could see tears in them that were on the brink of falling.
"Nate..." Lynn's face softened and her own tears slipped down her cheeks.
"Lynn, I opened up to you. I told you about the terror I've been through. I showed you a glimpse of the hell I endured while being held captive and I trusted you with all this because I realized that you could help me. You were the reason I felt normal again. Not a monster. Just Nate Sheppard. I know that with you by my side I would be able to defeat the demons inside my mind and recover again. You gave me hope."
This was a huge step for Nate as even though he’d admitted all these emotions to himself a few weeks ago he’d never vocalized them. Too scared that it would not come true if he said all those things and jinxed it. He could see pity and sadness in Lynn's eyes but also so much love and adoration. He couldn't remember the last time someone looked at him like that.
"It felt like someone stabbed me right in my heart when I realized that you didn't trust me the same way that I trusted you. That you never even considered telling me about Ann. That you never thought that I could have helped you. That hurt the most. "
Lynn's lips were parted but she wasn’t able to put her own thoughts into words. All this time, she’d thought that the act itself had hurt him, that it was the same man who tortured him eleven years ago, but now she realized it was never the fact that she worked for az-Zawahiri. It was all about trust.
"I... I..." she started but needed to stop because her body was shocked by a wave of crying and her jaw trembled.
Nate watched her with pain in his heart but he knew that they had to face this situation now. It was necessary for their recovery process, Lynn had told him that herself when he was having his therapy sessions with her.
"I was so overwhelmed by the whole situation and so scared. What if az-Zawahiri found out I asked you for help? I didn't want to risk Ann's life because I didn't want to lose..." she couldn't end the sentence as another wave of sobs crashed over her body. She felt like someone had her in a chokehold, the ability to breathe failing with every passing second while at the same time the guilt bored itself into her heart like a sharp knife.
Nate saw her struggling and couldn't hold it in anymore so he pulled Lynn into a tight hug. Her tears were soaking his jersey and he could feel the cold wetness on his shoulder.
"Shhh. It's okay," he purred while gently stroking his fingertips through her thick brown hair.
They sat like that for a while, with him gently scratching his fingernails over her scalp, until her crying finally subsided. She moved her body out of his embrace .
"No, it's not okay. I should’ve trusted you with the situation. It was just so overwhelming," she said with a tear-stained face.
"I understand. Please promise me that in the future you’ll never hesitate to tell me something. Promise me you’ll never keep secrets from me again," he demanded with a pleading look in his eyes.
"I promise."
"You know, I really want this to work out. You have a special place in my heart, Lynn Summers, and I really want to explore whatever this is between us," Nate whispered and fixed his gaze on hers to watch the sparkles in them appear.
"I want that too, Nate."
Nate sighed. He knew he needed to be fully honest with her right now for this to work. All their emotions needed to be out in the open and shared between them so that they’d be able to create a jump-off point for their relationship.
"It won't be easy for me, Lynn, because of everything that happened to me. I’ve always had problems trusting people and your betrayal didn't make that any better. You told me that your heart was always honest with me but it's hard for me to believe that. It's hard for me to think about the moments we shared and not question if they were real or a lie."
"I know, Nate, and I don't expect everything to be magically solved after this conversation. That would be unrealistic, but I’ll do everything I can to show you that I am trustworthy, that none of the moments between us were a lie. From today onwards I swear to you that I’ll never lie to you again, that I’ll always tell you everything that’s going on in my life so you’ll never doubt how much you mean to me," Lynn answered with passion and determination in her voice.
They were only words and time would tell if actions would follow them but, at that moment, Nate's lips curled into a wide smile and, after seeing him smile, Lynn couldn't stop herself from smiling too.
He’d given her a real chance.
A real chance to find out what was going on between them and if they would have a future together.
The weight on Nate's shoulders that had threatened to crush him was finally lifted.
Lynn had been right.
They’d needed to talk about this to settle their relationship. Her betrayal wasn’t magically forgotten and they would face ups and downs over the coming months but they wanted to try. He wanted to give her a chance and she wanted to prove to him that he could trust her again. This was a good start.
"So do you wanna watch the third Star Wars movie now?" He chuckled.
"Oh yes, please," Lynn answered with a wide grin.
On their way to Nate's room their hands never left each other and when Nate jumped into his bed and patted the empty space next to him Lynn's heart did a backflip. She carefully slipped underneath his big blanket and rested her head on the pillow that he’d ordered especially for her a few weeks ago, when she was staying with him after the surgery.
They lay next to each other for half the movie before Lynn couldn't hold back her yawn anymore. Nate side-eyed her as she struggled to stay awake. Her eyelids kept dropping until she started up again and tried to keep her body awake. But she failed miserably and, after Nate had watched her sleeping features for five minutes and totally forgot about the movie, he turned off the television. He shifted onto his side to face Lynn and pulled her into his arms so that he was spooning her.
The doctor had been awakened by the sudden movement of her body but when she felt two arms wrapped around her waist she closed her eyes again. Nate placed a little peck on the back of her head and purred.
"Goodnight, Lynn."
She wanted to answer him but her body was already too tired so only a "Mhmmm" left her slightly parted lips. Nate chuckled softly before he let his own head rest on the downy pillow and hoped for a peaceful sleep.