Consequences
June 10 th , 2022
Because they had fallen asleep so early, Lynn was awake in the middle of the night, realizing a heavy arm lay on her stomach. She was on her back, still naked. Nate was lying on his side, facing her. The leg with the knee brace was on top of the blanket while soft snoring noises came out of his mouth. After they had taken an uneventful shower, they headed straight back to bed. Lynn forced Nate to put on the knee brace again before they snuggled into each other. There hadn’t been many words between them, just the two of them lying with their bodies entangled as best as possible. Enjoying the company and love between them.
The betrayal wasn’t magically forgotten, but they had both decided to ignore it for a moment and discover whatever this was between them. Having sex on a first date wasn’t exactly Lynn’s style but, technically, they had been in a relationship before the betrayal as well. They just didn’t put a label on it.
Another snore left Nate’s lips and Lynn needed to hide her smile. It was more than adorable. Lynn wished she could reach her phone to capture the moment because Nate looked so peaceful, almost happy, with his lips curled upward.
“Staring is rude,” he mumbled into his pillow before opening his eyes a little.
Lynn chuckled.
“How did you know?”
“I know when I’m being watched,” he responded before slowly scooting closer to her so that he could rest his head on her chest, above her breast.
Lynn shifted her arm so that she could comb her fingers through his messy hair. It had grown over the past few weeks as he hadn’t had time to go to a hairdresser to trim it down again. It had started to curl a little and Lynn couldn’t stop watching it while her fingers brushed through it. She really loved it when he had it a little longer. Not too long, but right now it was perfect.
“You’re staring again,” he commented, his eyes closed.
Lynn could feel his even breath on her skin, leaving goosebumps all over her arm.
“Sorry, I can’t stop looking at you. I feel like I’m on an all-time high right now.”
His head shifted a little while he tried to catch her gaze. Then smirked at her and said,
“I can show you another high if you let me.”
“As good as this sounds, my body needs some rest from last night before we do whatever you have in mind for me.”
“Sure?” he asked, letting the arm on her stomach slowly wander down her body.
She grabbed his hand, halting its movement, and placed it above her hips again.
“Yes, I’m sure. As much as I’d love to have sex with you again, yesterday happened in the heat of the moment. We should still figure things out between us,” she mumbled, regretting her words the moment they left her mouth.
Nate sighed, pushed himself off her chest, and laid with his back on the mattress, staring at the ceiling above.
Silence lingered between them, but not a comfortable one.
“I know,” he whispered after a minute that felt like an eternity for Lynn.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor said, tears gathering in her eyes.
Guilt bubbled up in her chest for betraying him and that she couldn’t just enjoy the moment with the man she loved.
They were both lying on their backs, shoulders brushing while they avoided looking at each other.
“You don’t have to be. You’re right. I’m sorry that I kind of took advantage of you last night. I knew exactly how to work you so that you’d agree to have sex with me,” he whispered.
Lynn shifted in her position, now lying on her side, facing him. She had pulled the blanket to her chin, covering her naked body.
“Look at me,” she demanded with a soft tone in her voice.
Nate followed her demand and turned his head towards her. Her heart broke when she saw the tears glistering in his eyes. He was as confused as she was.
“Oh honey,” she added, pulling one arm out of the blanket, and placing her palm on his cheek.
A few tears had escaped his eyes, leaving a wet strain along his face. Lynn gripped his face tight, brushing circles with her thumb over his still hot skin.
“I don’t know what to do. What to feel. I’m just so confused.” Nate sobbed .
She hadn’t seen him cry like that before. Especially not because of her. Because she had hurt him. Lynn’s heart was heavy. It was aching, and she felt like she would never be able to fix the damage she did to Nate a few weeks ago. When she decided not to talk to him about the blackmailing and her kidnapped sister.
“I’m so sorry.” Lynn started to cry as well.
Her hand was shaking slightly but it never left his face. Never stopped drawing small circles.
“I know you are and I understand what you did. Really. I just can’t silence the demons in my mind. They keep on telling me that you’re not trustworthy. That I should kick you out of my life. But I don’t want to. Because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” Nate’s voice was quiet, tender, and raw. Everything at once. And it was dripping with confusion.
“I wish I could go back in time and talk to you. Let you know about Ann. But I can’t.”
“No, you can’t.”
Silence spread between them. Nate tried to turn his head away from her, and tried to break eye contact but her small hand was ridiculously strong on his cheek and she forced him to look her in the eyes. The chestnut eyes that contained so much love for him. He could see it.
“I love you,” Nate whispered so quietly, that he wasn’t sure if Lynn had heard him but when he saw her eyes well up with tears again, he knew she had.
“Nate,” she breathed heavily in reaction to his confession .
“That is the reason I’m really trying. Lynn, I really am. I love you and I’m willing to give us a chance. But it’s so hard. You need to be patient with me.”
“I love you, too. You can’t even believe how much. That’s why I’m so sorry. I messed up and now you’re suffering because of me. Never, ever in my life did I want to be the reason for your suffering. You have suffered enough in your life and me loading another demon onto your mind is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t deserve your chance or your love but I’m so happy that it’s there. I’m so relieved to hear those beautiful words out of your mouth.”
Lynn was still crying, but she scooted closer to him, their faces only inches apart. Nate turned on his side so that he was facing her as well. He placed his hand on her waist, looking into her chestnut eyes with so much love behind his own.
“I want this to work. I want to figure things out. I want to be with you. Every single day,” he whispered, a shy smile appearing on his lips. His warm breath on her face made goosebumps appear on Lynn’s arms.
“I want this too, Nate. Whatever I need to do to show you how much I regret my behavior and that it will never happen again in the future, I’m willing to do. Because I love you.”
Her voice was harsh from the silent crying and thick with emotions. And hope. There was so much hope in her voice.
“For now, I just want you to kiss me,” Nate responded, the shy smile on his face changing into a little smirk .
Lynn chuckled a little and scooted even closer to him. Their bodies pulled toward each other like magnets. She was well aware that he was only in his briefs and that she was naked. Her foot tangled in between his legs, her breasts brushing over his chest, and her lips hovered over his.
“I love you,” she whispered before closing the gap between them and giving Nate the most tender kiss they had ever shared.
He pulled her even closer while kissing her back with the same tenderness and love.
“Say it again,” he mouthed on her lips.
“I love you.” Lynn smiled into him, their lips slightly touching.
“I love you, too,” Nate answered before catching her bottom lip in another, fiercer kiss.
The world around them disappeared because everything that mattered was the two of them, right here, right now.
When they broke apart once again, Nate started to laugh. A deep laugh that was coming right from his chest. His whole body was shaking from the laughter and it was so affecting that Lynn couldn’t stop herself from laughing as well.
“Why are you laughing?” Lynn asked in between shallow breaths.
“This wasn’t exactly how I imagined the first ‘I love you’. Not exactly like in a romance book.”
“Screw the romance books. It was perfect,” Lynn answered before giving him a few wet kisses along his face .
Nate squinted his brows together so that his face looked like a funny grimace when Lynn placed a few more kisses along his nose, cheeks, temples and forehead.
“It really was,” he now whispered, before turning on his back and pulling her in his arms so that she could place her head on his chest.
Lynn listened to his quickened heartbeat while he brushed his fingertips over her upper arm. The combination of safety, love, and his heartbeat lulled her back to sleep immediately. Nate placed a last kiss on her head and mumbled another “I love you” before he fell asleep again as well.
A few hours later, Lynn was carefully hustling Nate out of her room while she got dressed for her shift in the med-bay.
“See you later, darling,” he whispered, gave her a last peck on her lips, and almost ran along the hallway, at least as fast as his still recovering knee allowed him.
Lynn shook her head, not happy about him putting too much pressure on the knee when they still hadn’t talked about his physical therapy plan in detail.
But no matter what she did, she wasn’t able to shake the smile from her face. She grabbed her phone and, out of instinct, went to send her sister Ann a message to let her know about this absolutely amazing first date with Nate. But when she opened the texts with her and saw them all empty, her heart stopped beating for a minute. She had deleted the entire chat with Ann because, in her rage and despair, she didn’t want to see Az-Zawahiri’s messages again. And the picture of Ann’s lifeless body.
But now she realized that she had lost all the memories of their text conversations. Her eyes teared up again.
Quickly, she closed the empty chat with Ann and opened the one with her mother instead to tell her about the date but after the happenings at the funeral they hadn’t been on speaking terms so she closed that chat as well, sighed, and decided to just forget about it and go to work. She let her mind wander back to Nate and their incredible date, not letting the intrusive thoughts take over her good mood.
After changing into her navy-blue scrubs, she left her room and stepped through the automatic door of the med-bay right next to it. Tia was sitting behind the counter, raising her head when she heard the door open and giving Lynn a small smile.
“Good morning,” Lynn said with the widest possible grin on her face.
“Good morning, Lynn. Wow, you’re in a brilliant mood. Don’t like to be the one to ruin that, but Director Burns and Deputy Director Gómez are waiting for you in your office,” Tia responded with a little bit of sadness washing over her face.
“Oh,” Lynn mouthed.
Tia’s words had sucked all the air out of her lungs. Her head began to spin, and she needed to close her eyes. The upcoming panic attack was near, and she reached out her arm to touch the wall next to her and steady her body. Because of the loud tinnitus in her ears, she didn’t hear Tia’s concerned voice. The nurse had sprinted from her place behind the counter and was now standing in front of Lynn, her hands placed on each side of Lynn’s waist to steady her slightly shaking body.
“Lynn.” Tia’s voice became louder every time and finally Lynn opened her eyes again and looked into the dark brown, almost black eyes of the nurse.
“Yeah. Oh gosh, sorry. I’m okay. Just a little shock,” Lynn stuttered.
“Looked more like a full blown panic attack to me.” Tia sighed, brushing her palms over Lynn’s upper arms to sooth her.
“You said they were in my office?”
“Yeah. Are you sure you’re okay?” Tia’s face was furrowed with concern and she gripped Lynn’s arms even tighter.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” Lynn gave her the fakest smile ever, but Tia couldn’t force the doctor to stay, so she stepped aside and saw Lynn disappear through the door on the other side of the entrance.
The door to her office was ajar, giving her only a short moment to take a deep breath before entering the room with a fake smile again.
Director Burns and Marta had their backs to her, faces turned towards each other while they were chatting. When they heard Lynn enter the room, they spun around and watched the doctor step towards them.
“Director Burns, Marta.” Lynn nodded at them before rounding her big desk and letting herself fall into the chair behind it.
“Doctor Summers.” Burns smiled at her .
Why was he smiling? Was that a good sign?
“Lynn, good to see you. How are you doing?” Marta asked with the same weird smile on her face.
Lynn eyed her friend and tried to read behind the mask, but she couldn’t.
“Depends on what we’re talking about in the next few seconds,” Lynn mumbled back at them, the fake smile washed off her face and she looked at them with concern flickering behind her chestnut eyes.
Marta let out a deep sigh, but the smile remained on her face.
Why was she smiling? Was that a good sign?
“Doctor Summers, we’re here to talk to you about the legal consequences for your betrayal,” Director Burns started and Lynn sighed in response.
Her eyes alternated between the Director and her friend, searching their features for any hints of the upcoming words.
“We had different lawyers working on your case and we asked everyone involved for their opinions. Not only on the situation itself, but also about working with you.” Marta continued, giving Lynn another one of her smiles.
Normally Marta’s smile was always so infectious that Lynn couldn’t resist smiling herself, but currently she was so tense that she just wanted to punch out her friend’s perfect teeth.
“I have to say, I’m impressed by how positive each one of your colleagues had talked about you. They all emphasized your passion for your work and your will to make things better for everyone. Also…” Director Burns started and tilted hi s head a little, while the smile disappeared from his face. “… they all told us they would have done the same in your position. Even Deputy Director Gómez.”
Lynn’s face fell a little and she looked at Marta and the Director with shock all over her face. They had all supported her?
“You’ve only been working for the CIA for a short time, but you managed to have all of them covering your back. That is really impressive, Doctor Summers.”
“The lawyers considered the opinions of the others in their final decision.” Marta added and Lynn’s lips parted.
She didn’t know if she had to say something, but Director Burns cleared his throat and continued.
“We all understood that you were blackmailed and didn’t really have a choice other than working with the terrorist az-Zawahiri. Still, this is state treason, so there have to be legal consequences for you. Normally you would go to jail for that.”
Burns decided to make a pause right after this sentence. Of course he did. It felt like he had Lynn’s heart in his bare hand, only seconds away from crushing it. He looked at her, unable to hide the smile on his lips.
“But we were able to prevent you from going to jail.” Marta bubbled into the Director’s pause, earning herself an angry side-eye.
“Yes, Deputy Director Gómez is right. Instead you have to do 1,600 hours of community service here at the CIA headquarters. Means you’re doing your regular job, but you won’t get paid for it. Also you’re under house arrest for the duration of the community service. You are not allowed to leave the compound. Your sentence starts immediately. Do you have any questions?”
Lynn stared at him with her jaw on the floor.
She didn’t have to go to jail! And she was able to keep her job!
This felt like a dream. Was this a dream? Was she dreaming?
Lynn blinked a few times, unable to form words.
“Lynn, are you okay?” Marta asked with her head tilted and her eyebrows furrowed.
The doctor shook her head to bring her back to reality and answered.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m just… overwhelmed. I didn't expect it to be like that. Thank you. Really.”
Director Burns smiled at her.
“I always try to keep the good ones,” he said to her before standing up from his chair.
“If you have any questions, you can always call me. We’ll figure things out.” And with that being said he marched out of the room and was gone.
Lynn peered after him for a while before she let her gaze wander and looked into Marta’s honey eyes. The Deputy Director had the widest grin on her face and stood from her chair to round the desk and give Lynn a hug.
“I don’t deserve this,” Lynn mumbled in Marta’s shoulder, a few tears slipping out of her eyes, when she finally let go of the tension that had her whole body in a chokehold the last minutes.
“You made a mistake. We all do that sometimes. It’s like Director Burns said, you were blackmailed and you didn’t have a choice. You didn’t betray us on purpose. That was a very important detail for the lawyers.”
The two women let go of the hug but held each other close. Lynn’s eyes were still glistening with tears and Marta’s filled as well.
“Thank you. It’s amazing to have friends like you,” Lynn mumbled with a shy smile on her face.
“That’s what friends are for.” Marta smiled back at her.
Lynn couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day. Even though 1,600 hours of unpaid work was a lot and she needed to check her finances to see if that would cause her any problems. But all of her friends and colleagues were on her side. Even Nate. The man she had hurt the most. They had all covered her back and wanted her to stay.
And that meant the world to Lynn.