42. Lena
CHAPTER 42
Lena
I haven’t left my apartment for an entire day now. Not only did I have to nurse that nasty hangover but emotions were running high when I least expected it. I’ve done nothing but DoorDash food and binge watch The Real Housewives , yet not even that can put me in a better mood.
I didn’t get any sleep either, my mind too busy replaying the argument we had. I can’t believe I told him to put a bullet in Cinita’s head. I cringe at the horrible things I said. Jealousy is an ugly, spiteful thing.
When my brother called, I let it go to voicemail.
The only call I answered was one having to do with my new job.
It’s the only thing I have to look forward to, right ?
So why am I still so fucking sad? Why does it pain me to know he has her there?
We’re not even anything official, yet I act like I can tell him what to do. But he’s clearly hung up on her. It’s like having an ex, isn’t it? Or am I just thinking that to justify my outburst?
I don’t dislike Cinita, but I know she’s using him. I can see that despite him being a cold asshole, and a deadly one at that, he’s a good man. At least to those he gives his trust to. He may be scary as fuck, but he’s good at his core.
A knock sounds on my door, and I ignore it.
“Lena.” Alek’s voice sounds from the other side.
I ignore him.
Another knock. “Lena, I know you’re in there.”
“She’s not home right now,” I call out.
The front door opens, and I whip my head around to see him in the entryway, my jaw unhinging. “How did you get in?”
“I have a key.”
My eyes bulge. I never gave him a fucking key. He’s holding a brown bag in one gloved hand, and what looks like a bag from my favorite Thai restaurant in the other. He’s wearing a black suit, his head freshly shaven. He looks like a killer, which I suppose is fitting.
I look away from him and back to the TV. “I already ate.”
“That’s okay. I’m not hungry either,” he says.
I try to ignore him, unable to avoid suffering under these painful emotions.
“Are you on birth control?” Alek asks, and that grabs my attention.
“You can’t be serious, Alek. Did you come all this way to make sure you didn’t accidentally impregnate me?”
His eyebrows furrow. “I just thought… I—”
“Yes, I am,” I answer. “And don’t worry, even if I did fall pregnant, it’s not like I’d want to have your kids anyway.” And I know the minute it leaves my mouth it’s wrong. And mean.
I want to say I’m sorry, but I don’t.
He licks his lips, and I’m certain my words are enough to push him out the door, but he doesn’t go. He places the brown bag on the counter. “Yes, well, I got you the morning-after pill.”
“Such a gift giver,” I say with a sharp tongue.
I watch him wearily as he drops to his knees in front of me. I don’t know what to do, so I shift uncomfortably, as if to get farther away from him, because as mad as I am with Alek, I’m always victim to this relentless connection we share.
“I’m sorry, sunshine,” he says earnestly. “I’m not good at things like this. But I’m trying.”
“What are you even trying at, Alek?” I ask, exasperated.
“To be a better man for you. To be someone who is good enough for you.”
It tugs at my heart, and I hate the way his sincerity rips me apart. “It’s not enough, Alek. Cinita—”
“Is gone,” he’s quick to say. “I never expected to have someone like you in my life. I hadn’t made it clear enough to you that you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted in my life . Cinita reminded me of us as kids, and I wanted to protect her. I didn’t realize doing that made you feel less than. I literally could buy you anything in the world, Lena, and I’m still stumped as to what to give you.”
“I don’t want your money, Alek.”
“I know. But it’s the only thing I’ve focused on my entire life. That and protecting my sister. This is all I have been, and if it’s not enough for you, I want to find more, become more so I can give you what you need.”
He seems confused, and I hate how young he looks. How lost, even.
“I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. To give you everything you want, just so I can stay by your side, Lena.”
My heart swells, and I hate him so much right now because it’s so unfair to us both. We come from different worlds.
I slip onto the floor beside him, tucking my feet under my ass as I do.
“Alek, I was emotional because you brought me to your house and still had her there. I won’t come second to anyone. I can’t keep playing this game.” I shake my head.
“She has nothing on you, don’t you get that? She is beneath you in every way,” he says, the sincerity of his words rocking me.
I bite my bottom lip, trying my hardest not to cry.
“Lena, Cinita was an old wound, but she’s gone now. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I sure as fuck don’t know how to navigate it, but I’m trying. For all the hell she caused me, the one and only good thing she’s done is lead me to you. You are the only thing I need in my life. Tell me what you need from me, what else I can give you, and I’ll give you everything.”
His words hit my like an avalanche. I don’t want to be fool enough to believe them, but I can’t deny the truth when it’s right in front of me. Because Alek might be many things, but a liar he is not. And for someone who has never known love, I can’t deny that he is trying his best. But even I don’t know what that might look like in the future.
“What would we ever be, Aleksandr?”
“What do you mean?”
“You and me. What would we ever be?”
“Us. We would be us .”
“I get that, Alek, I do. But while I’m focusing on my career right now, eventually, I want more. Have you thought of that?” I say. “Cinita may have been the better choice for you. I know she doesn’t want kids, and I doubt you do either.”
And I hate myself for comparing myself to her, but if I already feel so strongly for him now, how could I possibly walk away in a few years’ time?
“You never even asked me if I want kids.”
“Well, do you?”
His eyes search mine, and for the first time he seems lost for words. “I’ve never thought about having children because I’ve never loved anyone before. It was something I didn’t even think was a possibility for me.”
“I know that’s what I want. To be married one day. I want to be pregnant and work in my garden, growing my own vegetables. I want to go on vacation once a year to a fancy destination and have sex in every city with my husband.” I take in a shaky breath. Because as much as I believe him that Cinita is finally gone, can I really believe that we’ll want the same thing in five, ten, fifteen years’ time? I’m sure that’s a risk in any relationship, but with Alek it’s more intense. “I want all of that, Alek. So while this is fun, what you and I have, it’s never going to last.
“I know what I want, and you don’t. That’s not a bad thing, it just means we need to end it before it gets out of hand.”
“And what if I would never accept you with someone else?”
“Would you kill them simply because you couldn’t have me?” He just gives me a pointed look. “That’s crazy, Alek.”
“Aleksandr,” he says, correcting me on his name.
“It’s crazy,” I say again.
“Is it crazy to want someone so badly you would kill for them?” he asks. He leans closer. “I want you, so fucking much.” My breathing gets heavier at his touch, and I close my eyes because this is everything I want to hear, but I know I should run. It won’t last. Better it hurt now than destroy me in the future. He shouldn’t be able to do this to me.
But he is.
“No other relationship could ever compare to what we have. You get that, right? One day when you’re married and fucking your shit of a husband, you’ll think back and wish it was me who was fucking you.”
I gasp as my eyes fly open, surprised by the desperate plea in his voice.
“I might not be sure about kids now, and I know I’m fucked up…” My stomach twists as I wait for him to continue. “But I could be a husband. Your husband. I’ll be your biggest fan. If children are something you really want…” He swallows. “I wouldn’t be a good father.”
I brush my hand over his cheek. “Have you ever thought of the possibility?”
He stares at me longingly, and it breaks me. “I never thought I’d be capable of loving someone as much as I do you. So maybe, if you can teach me.”
My heart stops, and I can’t breathe. Butterflies flitter throughout my stomach. “Did you just say you love me, Alek?”
“Is it so wrong?” he asks. “I just can’t let you go. I refuse. I will make every promise, take every vow, and tell you I love you every day, just to remind you how right it is for me to stand by your side. We’re made for each other, Lena. I always thought killing was my only purpose in this life, until I met you.”
My bottom lip trembles. “Alek, you’ve put me through hell.”
“I know I’m not easy, but I will give you everything you ask of me, Lena. I’ll even send you cards.”
I can’t help but laugh at that, stupid tears springing to my eyes.
“I can’t be second best, Alek. You can’t make me feel second to anyone again. My heart just can’t take it anymore.”
“I’ll fucking worship the ground you walk on. I never meant to hurt you, Lena, I swear it.”
I hate how easily his words lift me up. But they can so quickly destroy me too. “I can’t do another roller coaster, Alek.”
His body goes rigid, like his entire world has just come to a crashing end, and my heart breaks. Because this man has somehow become my everything. And it’s terrifying, as much for me as it is for him.
“But we’ll try. One more time,” I say as I press my lips to his. I feel his breath against my lips as the tension drains out of him and he desperately consumes me.
“I need you,” he growls as his hands skim up my outer thighs, and a shiver runs down my spine because I know without a doubt that I fucking need him more.