Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
Friday afternoon, Sonja was in her office at The Sweet and Savory Table working on the books, while Suzie had left right after closing so she could attend her daughter’s soccer game. The café was doing well: Suzie was well ahead on her loan payments to the bank, and Sonja’s retirement fund was accumulating nicely. She didn’t ever want to be a burden to anyone, and money could make that happen.
She was looking forward to her date with Derek that night. They were going to have dinner together before going to the club. She was finishing for the day when her phone rang, startling her out of her musings. She didn’t recognize the number, but as a businesswoman, she received many calls that weren’t in her contacts, so she accepted it. “Hello, this is Sonja Madden.”
“Hi, this is Dr. Davidson, Sonja. How are you today?”
“Hello, Doctor. I assume this is about my tests yesterday?” Sonja’s arms had gotten goosebumps when she realized it was the doctor herself calling. Usually, a doctor’s assistants called to tell her everything was okay. Her stomach knotted so hard she felt nauseous. “No reason to chitchat. What’s the word?”
“You always get right to the point. I like that about you. Simply put, the word is biopsy.”
The floor seemed to tilt beneath her. Her fingers tightened around the phone, but she couldn’t feel it, like her body had disconnected. The word landed with a sickening thud in her chest, heavy and familiar. She’d heard it before. Too many times.
Please don’t get worried yet.” the doctor continued, as if that were possible. “In all likelihood, it’s nothing. We get false positives from MRIs and ultrasounds all the time. It’s only one small spot. The radiologist thinks it’s suspicious-looking and wants to check it out.”
Sonja struggled to keep the tremor in her hands from reaching her voice. “How small is it?” She forced the words out, but her throat felt thick, her breath suddenly too shallow.
“Between three and five millimeters, so even if it’s malignant, we’ve found it very early. The biopsy is just a precaution because of your family history.”
Her family history. The words stabbed through her, twisting. Her grandmother. Her mother. The losses layered one over the other until she couldn’t tell where one ended and the next began. She swallowed hard, but it did nothing to ease the raw, aching tightness in her throat.
“When can we do it? I really hate waiting.” She hated the way her voice wavered, but she needed it over with. She needed to know. The waiting was the worst part—always the worst part.
“How does Monday sound?”
“Great! Monday sounds great.” The words rushed out too fast, too eager, but she didn’t care. If she had to endure this, she wanted it done. “What time? I’d rather it be after work. The café closes at 3:00.”
“You’ll have to call the women’s health center for specifics, but they assured me that Dr. Weymouth has plenty of availability on Monday.”
She barely registered the doctor’s answer. Her pulse pounded in her ears, her skin felt too tight and hot. The room felt smaller, and the air too thick.
Breathe.
She almost missed the doctor’s next words. “They’ll have the results by Wednesday. Why don’t we plan on you coming to see me then?”
“Okay. What time?” Sonja was glad she could get the results in person from someone she knew and trusted.
“How does 4:30 work?” Dr. Davidson asked. “It’s my last appointment of the day, so we can talk as long as we need to.”
“Not that I don’t like talking to you, Doctor, but that sounds ominous.”
“Just covering all my bases. Don’t worry until we have the results. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try, but I can’t promise.” Sonja pressed her lips together as they wobbled. Her eyes burned. “Thanks for calling yourself.”
She clenched her free hand into a fist, her nails biting into her palm. She wasn’t going to fall apart. Not now. Not yet.
But the weight of it pressed in. The past. The present. The uncertainty stretching in front of her like an open wound.
She didn’t want to do this again.
Get a spine, girl!
As soon as Sonja disconnected the call from Dr. Davidson, she looked up the number for the women’s health center and dialed. Amazingly, she was only on hold for about ten seconds. She had a 4:15 pm appointment for the biopsy in less than three minutes. Sonja released a relieved breath and started gathering her things.
She was on her way out the door when her phone rang again. What now? Hadn’t her afternoon been disturbed enough already? Her phone showed Derek’s number. She couldn’t ignore him. “Hello, Derek,” she said. “To what do I owe the pleasure of my afternoon call?”
“Hi, baby, nothing good.” Derek sounded frustrated. “I have to cancel dinner. I’ve got a royal mess here that I have to straighten out today. Can I have a rain check?”
“Of course you can, Sir. Any chance you can make it to the club after you get your mess straightened out?”
“I hope so. Meet you there between eight and nine? If I’m not there by nine, head home. I have to go now.”
“Sure. I’ll see you at the club, then. Bye.” As she disconnected the call, Sonja realized Derek would want to hear about her past few days. They hadn’t spoken since Wednesday, and she hadn’t thought of telling him about her tests. What should she say to him about the upcoming biopsy?
I think it’s best if I keep that to myself until I have the results. It’s probably nothing anyway.
With that settled, she headed out to run a few errands and get a quick bite before she left for the club.
Promptly at 8:00 PM, Sonja entered Club Indigo. Suzie and Kate were minding the door tonight, which probably meant Connor was DM for the early shift.
“How’s married life treating you?” Sonja asked, making conversation as she signed in.
“Pretty well,” Suzie answered. “We’re still working out the kinks of how much control Connor wants and how much I’m willing to give, and the children are still adjusting, but life’s wonderful.”
“You’re very lucky.”
“Don’t I know it. Have a good evening.” She handed Sonja back her driver’s license and club membership card.
In the dressing room, Sonja changed into an outfit she’d put together from thrift store purchases. She hoped Derek would enjoy it. She believed he would.
Molly Evans, the nurse from the hospital, was sitting alone at one end of the bar when Sonja arrived, but there was no sign of Derek. She hadn’t expected him to be there at eight but hadn’t wanted to take a chance he might be able to get there before she did. His ‘messes’ usually took longer to clear up than he anticipated. Still, he would expect her to be waiting, or so she liked to think.
She went to join Molly. After chatting with her on Thursday, she wanted to get to know her better. She’d barely said hello when Scott came over for her drink order. “The usual orange juice, please, but put it in a glass, would you?”
Scott chuckled at that. “Sure. Be right back with it.”
“Nice outfit,” Molly said. “Where did you find a plaid skirt these days?”
“Goodwill. They have great stuff if you dig a little,” Sonja answered. “You look good, too. I like being able to see your whole tat.”
Molly wore a gorgeous leather bustier without an overshirt that evening, showcasing the phoenix tattoo she had where her left breast had once been.
“Thanks. I always show it in all its glory after a clean mammogram. How about you? Did you get a good report?”
Scott returned with Sonja’s orange juice and left them alone again. He was remarkably good at knowing when to be invisible.
“Sonja? Did something happen?” Molly looked concerned.
“I have to have a biopsy on Monday.” Sonja’s voice got low. “It’s only three millimeters, but the doctors want to know what it is, given my family history.”
“That’s a sound way to go. What does Derek say? For that matter, where is he?” Molly asked.
“He got hung up at work. He thought he’d be here by now, but the mess must have been more complicated than he hoped. So, your mammogram was good?” Sonja asked.
“Nothing there but healthy tissue. You’re avoiding the question. What does Derek say?”
“I haven’t told him yet,” Sonja whispered.
“Not even about having the tests?” Molly gave her a stern look that reminded Sonja of her high school principal.
“No.”
“Were you planning to?” Now she was using her Domme voice.
“Not sure. It’s only three millimeters. It’s probably nothing. He’s got enough on his plate. I don’t want to worry him unnecessarily.” Sonja was rambling, but she couldn’t stop the excuses.
“Sonja, you know that’s not how a D/s relationship works. You have to be honest with each other. Withholding information like this is the same as lying.”
“No, it’s not. If it weren’t for the biopsy, there would be nothing to tell. And if the biopsy is negative, there still won’t be anything to tell. Like I said, I don’t want to worry Derek. Anyway, it’s not your business. This is between Derek and me.” Sonja knew she was sounding defensive now.
“What’s between you and me, babygirl?” Derek had come in behind her. He put his arms around her as she turned to face him.
“Nothing important, Sir. We were just chatting.”
“Funny. It sounded like it might be important to me.” He turned. “Hi, Molly. You look lovely as usual. That phoenix really makes your outfit. So, what’s my sub girl trying to avoid talking to me about?”
“Derek, why are you asking her instead of me?” Sonja put her hands on her hips.
“Because you seem to want her to help you keep a secret. We don’t have secrets in our relationship, babygirl. You know that. So, do you want to tell me, or should I ask Molly again?”
“You might as well let Molly tell it, since you obviously don’t trust me.” Sonja turned her back on Derek and Molly and would have walked away if Derek hadn’t snagged an arm around her waist.
“Now, now. There’s no reason to get upset. Yet. What’s going on, Molly?”
“Your sub had her annual mammogram and cancer screening on Thursday. I only know because I was having mine, too, and we met in the waiting room. We were sharing results, and I asked if she had told you the news yet.”
“What kind of news? And why didn’t I know you were having a mammogram?” Derek turned Sonja around so he could see she had her hands clenched and her eyes closed.
“What’s wrong, babygirl?”
“They found a spot, and I’m having a biopsy Monday, okay?”
“Let me guess. You didn’t want to worry me because it’s probably nothing. Am I right?”
“Yes, Sir.”
All the fight had gone out of Sonja. Now that the information was out in the open, she felt relieved. Derek pulled her into his arms, and she started crying.
“I’m sorry, Sir. I thought I could handle it on my own. You have enough to deal with without my problems, too.”
“Let’s take this home, babygirl. Neither of us is in a mood to play now, and we have a lot to talk about.” He turned to Molly. “Thanks for helping me and my sub with our communication issues.”
“I hope I won’t be needed in that capacity again. Have a good evening. And Sonja, I would like to hear how your biopsy turns out. Women stick together over things like this. I hope you’ll understand I was only trying to help by telling Derek.”
“Yeah, I get it. Thanks, Molly. I’ll keep you apprised.” Sonja’s tears had stopped, and she turned back to Derek. “Do we have to go? I got my outfit especially for you. I’m okay now.”
“You make a beautiful Catholic school girl, but the outfit and the play can wait. We have other things to deal with tonight. Let’s get going.”
Sonja was not happy with the direction the evening was taking. She had been anticipating a fun play session to take her mind off the biopsy, and instead, it looked like the evening would be all about it. Nevertheless, she changed back into her street clothes and met Derek in the lobby.
“I took an Uber here, like you said.” She tried to sound cheery, as if nothing were wrong.
Kate was still at the door. “Leaving so soon? Is everything all right?”
Derek answered before Sonja could say anything. “Everything is fine. We’re just not in the mood to play tonight. Rough day at work.”
“I know what that’s like. I hope the rest of your night improves,” Kate said. “See you soon.”
Derek escorted Sonja to his car and saw her safely belted in before going to his side. They drove in silence to Sonja’s apartment, and Sonja was lost in thought. Would this be the end of their relationship? Derek certainly didn’t seem like himself tonight. How angry was he? She really didn’t think she’d done anything wrong. It was her body. Why should he expect her to tell him about something that was likely nothing anyway? She was an independent woman and had proven time after time that she could take care of herself. Just because he wanted to be her Daddy didn’t mean she needed him. She finished marshaling her arguments as they pulled up to her building.
As they entered Sonja’s apartment, Snuggles came up and started meowing either his happiness at seeing her or his irritation at having been left alone. Sonja could never make up her mind which it was. She gathered him into her arms for a quick cuddle.
“I need to see if he ate his dinner and then check around to see if he spit it up. Would you hold him while I do that?”
“Of course. Do what you need to do.” Derek took Snuggles into his arms and began the croon that seemed to calm the cat best.
As she checked Snuggles’ food bowl and scanned the floor for any messes, her mind kept circling back to Derek. He hadn’t pushed her yet, but she knew it was coming. He wouldn’t let this go, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to have that conversation.
Not yet.
Finding nothing in the usual spots, she headed to the bedroom—and groaned. Smack in the middle of the bed, right on top of her comforter.
“Seriously, Snuggles?” she muttered, grabbing tissues to scoop up what she could before stripping the sheets. The familiar routine gave her something to focus on, something other than the weight pressing in on her chest. She bundled up the bedding, shoved it in the washer, and started the cycle, letting the hum of the machine fill the silence.
She took a steadying breath before heading back to the living room, where Derek still had Snuggles curled contentedly in his arms, purring like the picture of innocence.
Sonja folded her arms and sighed. “Snuggles, smack in the middle of the bed? Really?”
Derek stroked the cat’s fur. “Looks like you’re in for it now, boy. Vomiting on the bed is not a very nice thing to do to your mommy.”
“He’s not in trouble, Derek. It’s just a pain in the ass to clean up. It looks like his entire dinner of canned food with added liquid. It soaked through my quilt and blanket, onto the sheet.” She reached over to his lap and started scratching Snuggles’ cheeks and under his chin. “Would you like to try some more dinner? We have other flavors since that one didn’t agree with you. That was salmon. Should we try some of your baby food? That seems to stay down better. Derek, could you put him down and see if he follows me to the kitchen?”
Snuggles ate half a jar of beef baby food, went to his bed by the window, and started grooming himself. “Such a good boy. It wasn’t your appetite, just the food that didn’t agree with you.” With Snuggles settled, she couldn’t postpone Derek any longer. “Would you like something to drink, Sir?”
“Thanks for asking, baby, but I’ll pass for the moment. Come sit with me.” When she tried to settle on the other end of the couch, Derek gave her a look, and she quickly scooted closer to him.
Apparently, close wasn’t good enough, though, because he lifted her into his lap. “I think it will be easier for you to talk this way. How about you start at the beginning? Why didn’t you tell me you were having a mammogram? I know I asked Wednesday what you had going on for the rest of the week.”
Sonja sighed. Where to begin and how much to say?
It was all so complicated. She decided to try the minimalist approach and see how that went over. “It didn’t occur to me to mention it. A mammogram is not that big a deal. I have one every year.” She crossed her fingers in her head, hoping that would be enough.
“Try again. You tensed up way too much while you were saying that.”
Damn , he was good at reading body language. It was good he couldn’t see her face. “I didn’t want you to worry. I worry enough for two people already. I have a family history of breast cancer. I don’t just have a mammogram. I have a regular mammogram, a 3-D digital mammogram, an MRI, and an ultrasound. My appointment started at 12:30 pm and it was almost five when I finished. I didn’t want to have to deal with anyone’s stress but my own. Besides, I’ve been doing this on my own since I had my first mammogram, when I was twenty-five. Yes, that’s young, but family history made it necessary. That’s the why. The other reason I didn’t tell you is that I’m used to standing on my own two feet. It really didn’t occur to me to tell you I had the tests coming up.”
“And the biopsy? Surely it occurred to you that I would want to know about that?” From the tone of Derek’s voice, Sonja realized she was digging herself a deeper hole with every word.
“Sort of, but I decided that since it was probably nothing, I’d wait and tell you if it was something.”
“Would you have told me after the biopsy?”
“If it were nothing? No. If it were a problem, then, yes, I would tell you. It would be kind of hard to hide, then.”
“I realize this is your first serious D/s relationship, but you know how important communication is. Would you be okay with my having, I don’t know, say, a stress test and not telling you about it?”
“No, but?—”
“No buts about it. I want to know if you’re having a problem, medical or otherwise, and I will tell you about problems I’m having as well. Can you let me in?”
“I’ll do my best, Sir.”
“That’s all I ask.”
Sonja didn’t know what to think. Of course she would want to know if there were something wrong with Derek’s health, but she’d never considered it from the other side. Maybe it was time for a little more sharing.
“Sir? There’s a little more to my story. My mother died from breast cancer when I was six. My grandmother raised me. She was first diagnosed when I was thirteen. In my teens, I took care of her as much as she took care of me—at least it seemed that way. She saw me through high school but was too sick to come to graduation. I’ve been on my own ever since.” Sonja’s voice choked up as she fought her tears.
“Oh, babygirl, I’m so sorry.” He hugged her tightly and rocked her while she cried. “You’re not alone now. If I have my way, you’ll never be alone again. I’m here to share the bad and the good. Do you believe me?”
Sonja sniffled. “Yes, Sir. I’ll try my best to remember.”
“You’ll remember. I’ll see to that.” He turned her so he could see her face. “Now that we understand each other and you appreciate the severity of your mistake, we have your punishment to take care of.”
“P-punishment? What kind of punishment, Sir?” Sonja at least had the good sense not to object to the idea of punishment. She’d wait and see how he wanted to punish her.
“I think we’ll start with a punishment to help you remember how important communication is. I want you to write lines. You will write fifteen times: ‘My Dom worries about me and cares for me. I will tell him about what is happening in my life. I will not withhold information because I think it’s not important or to keep him from worrying.’ It’s not that many repetitions, but it’s complicated enough to keep you thinking the whole time.”
“Yes, Sir. I’ll get paper and a pen.”
“Not so fast, little girl. First, strip.” Sonja hastened to follow his instruction. Writing lines naked seemed somehow sexy.
“Good girl. Now get me the largest butt plug from my toy bag and the lube. Then you can find the paper and pen.”
Writing lines while wearing a butt plug, naked—somehow even sexier.
She moved quickly, and it took her only a few minutes to gather the things. When she got back, she knelt and presented everything to Derek, who accepted the offerings with a quiet “good girl,” and had her stand up.
“Turn around and grab your ankles.”
Sonja sighed and did as she was told. Derek carefully lubed her rim and her asshole before applying a generous amount on the plug itself.
He then began to insert it, slowly, back and forth until the final plop, when it seated itself. “That wasn’t so terrible, now, was it?”
“No, Sir.” She didn’t sound like she believed herself.
“I suggest you get in the proper mindset, Sonja. You have corner time when you finish your lines. It will all go faster if you don’t fight me in your head.”
“Yes, Sir. I’ll try.”
“You can write your lines standing up at the kitchen counter. I plan to sit behind you and enjoy the view. Let’s get moving.”
Writing what seemed to be an entire paragraph seemed to take forever, even just once. But Sonja paid attention to the words as Derek told her, and she found herself realizing he was right. She hadn’t given him or his feelings any consideration. By the time she was finished, Sonja was struggling to keep from crying on the paper.
“Done,” she said.
Derek came up behind her and turned her around for a long hug, followed by one of his patented kisses, guaranteed to leave her weak in the knees. He put his arm around her to keep her from backing away as he examined her paper. “Nice job, babygirl. I don’t like seeing this wet spot here, though.”
“I’m sorry, Sir. I think that’s when I started to really understand what I was writing. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about what was going on. I was depriving you of stuff you would want to know and myself of your support and comfort. I won’t do it again. Please punish me as you see fit.”
Derek pulled her into his arms for another hug. “Apology accepted. Now, into the living room for fifteen minutes of corner time.”
“Yes, Sir.” Sonja went with him to the one bare corner in her living room. She was aware of the plug with every step, but it didn’t bother her because she deserved it. She felt loved and cherished despite being punished or maybe because of it. She put her face in the corner, so her nose touched the wall.
“Hands at your sides. No fidgeting, no talking. Understood?”
Sonja nodded and ended with her nose in place and her hands loosely at her sides. She heard Derek sit down on the couch and pull Snuggles into his lap. Snuggles meowed once at having his rest disturbed but quickly settled.
Sonja stood in the corner, thinking about everything that had happened. She had been wrong to leave Derek out of her health issues. He loved her breasts, after all. She chuckled. What would he say if she told him that?
“Quiet over there. This is not a laughing matter, babygirl.” Derek tried to sound stern, but Sonja knew that after her tears and his hug, they were okay again. She regained control of herself and realized she did feel cut off from the activity by being in the corner. She could hear Derek with Snuggles.
“You are such a good boy, Snuggles. You’re almost as cuddly as your mother. But you’re looking a little scraggly. Is there a brush or comb around here?” Sonja listened as he moved around checking the drawer on the end table where she kept Snuggles’ brush and comb. He was in for a shock if he tried to brush or comb Snuggles. The only grooming he liked less was having his claws trimmed. Sure enough, Snuggles’ gave his distinctive yowl at Derek’s attempt to brush him. “Ouch. That hurts. Come back. What am I supposed to do for cuddles while your mother is in the corner?”
Sonja struggled to contain her giggles.
Sonja knew precisely where to find her cat, but as she was on time out, she contented herself with inward laughter at his predicament. Still thinking about Snuggles, she jumped when she felt Derek’s hand on her back.
“Time’s up. Come here, babygirl.” He turned her around and tipped her head back for a kiss. She was so eager for it she opened her lips immediately, and his tongue took full advantage of the opportunity. It took Snuggles meowing and rubbing around her ankles to break the kiss.
She bent down to the cat, wincing at the butt plug’s movement. “Poor Snuggles. Did the big man try to brush you? It’s okay. I know the rules about brushing, and I’ll explain them to him.” She looked up at Derek with a mischievous smile. “Snuggles hates two things—being brushed and having his claws trimmed. The way to do both involves treats. Lots and lots of treats.”
“I’ll remember that. You can give me a demonstration before I try to do it by myself. You give Snuggles all the attention, but I’m the injured party here.” He held up his hand with a small scratch on it.
“Yes, Sir. I’ll get you a bandage after you wash your hands.” She tried to keep a straight face.
“Watch it, babygirl. Laughing at your Dom is not a good idea. Speaking of laughter, what were you giggling about? Corner time is not supposed to be fun.”
“I was just thinking that I really should have told you about the mammogram and stuff because you really like my breasts.” She started chuckling again at the thought.
“Babygirl. I don’t just like your breasts. I love them. And I love you.”
Sonja’s laughter ended abruptly. “Did you just say you loved me?”
“That’s exactly what I said, babygirl. I love you.”
“Isn’t it a bit early to use the ‘L’ word?” Her throat clogged with emotion, and she peeked at Derek through her lashes.
He shook his head. “No. Not only am I convinced about my feelings for you”—he took her face into both his hands, his scratch evidently forgotten—“but you, of all people, deserve to be loved!”
She couldn’t answer because he pressed his mouth against her lips. It was better this way; he’d rendered her speechless—again.