Chapter 8
“Are you dropping?” Colton asks, though he’s pretty sure of the answer.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Graham growls, glaring at Colton.
“Come on. You’ve gotta give me more credit than that.” He’d hoped that them working well together, Colton easily following Graham’s lead and completing this exercise without problem, would have settled Graham’s hostility a bit, but apparently not.
“Do I? Why do I have to give you any fucking credit? Because you showed up and followed orders today? One time you were obedient to a commanding officer, and I’m supposed to just… what? What do you want?”
“I want to make sure my commanding officer on this mission is feeling okay. That’s it.”
“Bullshit. You want to take over. Probably want me—” Graham cuts himself off, cheeks flushing red as he becomes aware of how close he’s moved toward Colton.
Colton keeps his gaze down because he isn’t trying to get into an argument.
He counts to fifty, thinks only of counting, and doesn’t let his emotions get involved.
Then he does a breathing exercise because an agitated submissive needs a calm Dominant and he wants Graham to see the difference between him and the others he might have met.
Graham’s disgust, anger, and fear of Dominants must have come from somewhere. Colton is a good Dominant. He has a high designation and he has control. It’s everything to him.
The moment he raises his gaze, Graham starts up again.
“Don’t look at me like that. As if you helped me because you care. I know exactly why you—”
Colton crosses his arms, closes his eyes, and looks down. This is not him. This is Graham’s designation issue, and he isn’t going to let Graham provoke him into a response.
“Exactly,” Graham finally says, laughing unhappily.
“Exactly what?” Colton murmurs, keeping his voice low.
“You don’t care. I knew it. Did you get paid or is it just a promotion? A young man like yourself won’t pass up an opportunity like this no matter how unsavory the task.”
Graham’s interpretation of what happened between them is so insulting and diminishing of their connection that he can’t help but laugh. And what the fuck does that even mean? Who was unsavory? Is he insulting himself or Colton?
He shoves off the wall, does a little bit of his own pacing to put some distance between them. He isn’t thinking clearly. He’s responding to Graham’s aggression and emotion and he doesn’t want to.
All he’s done since the moment he was forced to let Graham go is fantasize, want, and agonize over the man. What they did together was intimate. Life-changing. Colton won’t ever be the same after taking care of Graham.
How dare Graham do this to them?
Colton crouches down, forces himself to be low and exposed, refusing the rush of dominance that wants him to shove Graham to the wall and set him straight. He presses his hands over his eyes.
He will not escalate this. Even though Graham is practically begging Colton to react, poking at him and being insulting, even though Graham is likely in the beginning stages of a drop and that’s calling to Colton in a primitive way, he isn’t going to react.
He laughs unhappily, needing a release of tension. And he was so fucking wrong that he either has to laugh or lash out.
“You would think it was funny,” Graham says, voice hard and defensive.
“It’s not funny as though it’s actually amusing.
I’m laughing at myself for being so stupid.
Jesus, here I was wondering if you were thinking about me as much as I’d been thinking about you, feeling like we’d had a fucking connection.
And, you know what, not just a brief connection but an epic, profound connection, and I was totally wrong.
So, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at me.
Maybe that will make you feel a little better.
You may hate me, but I don’t feel that way about you.
I’m not sure I’ll ever get over you. Can you believe it?
What the fuck did I let them do to me?” he says, which oddly enough isn’t anything he’s ever thought before.
His life was saved by getting a designation, the cancer gone overnight. This has been nothing but a gift. Until Graham. Because the draw and attraction he feels is outsized, abnormal, and spliced into him.
Graham swears. “I have to get out of here. I can’t do this.” He punches the wall. Bits of the ceiling rain down on them. That’s how strong Graham is. But he shouldn’t lash out.
Colton can’t allow the submissive to be that out of control. It will only make his drop worse.
He gets to his feet.
Refusing to engage, backing down, and putting himself in physically submissive positions is not allowing Graham the space to get himself back together and find control.
Graham’s beyond that. Despite the bluster and anger, maybe what’s needed is for Colton to act like the Dominant he is. Retreating and placating aren’t working.
Graham is panting heavily, staring down at his blood-covered hand with wide eyes. Colton removes his goggles, lights up a flare for visibility, and throws it off to the side so he can see clearly.
“Give me your hand,” he orders, and Graham goes utterly still, refusing to do what Colton asked. But he doesn’t move away, so Colton reaches for him instead, holds out his own hand, palm open, and Graham finally sighs, places his hand gently in Colton’s.
Colton nods in approval, knows Graham is so volatile and looking for a fight that his best course of action is to stay calm and try to exert his dominance as lightly as possible.
Colton looks at the bleeding knuckles but can’t tell much under the wash of blood. “Make a fist. Is it broken?”
Graham doesn’t obey. His hand trembles. The regulations say that if a submissive begins to drop on mission, a Dominant can assume command and use whatever means necessary to pull the submissive out of it, but he doesn’t want to do that. For a lot of reasons, he doesn’t want to do that.
“Please make a fist so I can see if it’s broken. Please?” he asks, voice soft.
Graham looks up at him with confusion, as if he’s searching for the trick. He makes a half fist then exhales sharply.
“Do not push through the pain or you’ll make it worse,” Colton snaps.
Graham gasps, sways on his feet, and leans closer.
Great. A submissive who does want to be dominated but can’t stop himself from fighting. And Graham is so against submission that Colton has no idea what the submissive will do when this is over.
At least one of them might be in deep shit if Colton can’t get them through this.
“We have to get this bandaged up,” he says, hoping Graham will listen to reason. “You’ll need to get an X-ray when this is over.”
“No,” Graham says, voice dull. “I’m fine.”
Well, that’s a fucking lie. “Let’s make sure nothing is broken.
I’ll check.” He takes Graham’s wrist between his hands and gently feels along the palm and then the fingertips, working his way up the hand.
He presses carefully along each knuckle, starting with the pinky in order to give Graham a moment to get used to Colton’s touch.
Graham hisses when he gets to the middle finger.
“I think you should get this checked out.”
“I’m fine,” Graham says breathily, and it’s so far from the truth that Colton doesn’t bother to argue with him.
“I’ve got bandages in my pack,” he says, and he lets go of Graham’s hand to find the first aid kit. He finds the bandages and stands back up.
Graham is staring, ogling Colton while his back was turned. The submissive blinks and looks away with a frown.
“Hand,” Colton orders, and Graham obeys. Which is an improvement. “Thank you.”
He pours water over the wound, dabs at his knuckles with an alcohol wipe, and Graham sighs as if it feels good. He’s a masochist, so maybe it does. He has no idea how Graham’s submissive designation affects him.
“There you go. Good job,” he says when he’s finished.
Graham clears his throat. Doesn’t take his hand away and Colton is forced to let him go.
“Sorry. I guess I’m not in the best condition. Really tired. But I shouldn’t have lashed out at you.”
“I pity the wall rather than me,” Colton says, content to move past this.
“They’re going to know I’m struggling because of my designation. I hate it. They’re all waiting for that moment to come. They want to wash me out. That’s why we’re here. Separated from everyone else and put here together until I break.”
“This is a lot of men and time if they were just trying to get you to fall apart. I don’t think anyone is special enough to warrant that.”
“You’re saying it’s coincidence?”
“Maybe. Fein is testing the both of us. That’s why I’m here.”
Graham doesn’t respond right away. “Being a submissive is awful. I’ve always pushed back,” Graham says, laughing unhappily.
“I, uh, prided myself on not giving in. I could manage with drugs and pain. That felt virtuous and good. Enduring and getting through it on my own. But now it’s just…
Well, I guess you know. This might end my career before too much longer,” he says, sounding lost.
“Graham, no.”
“I take longer to bounce back every time. Well, except for when I was with you.”
“Sounds like we should have a conversation—”
“I can’t. You have to understand,” Graham says. Then he shakes his head as if he’s trying to clear it.
Graham may as well be in confession. He’s so quiet and hunched in on himself. Gearing up to reveal his failings to be judged like Colton is some kind of god instead of just a guy with a high designation.