Chapter 19
The bathroom is large, with a tub and a separate glass shower. There is a toilet and a bidet, and Graham looks back at Colton just as he sets a shower enema kit onto the counter. He eyes it and looks away, heart pounding. Is it fear? Anticipation? He puts a hand on the counter for support.
I want to go back down, he thinks and wonders if he should just say it.
Colton steps close and helps Graham strip off his clothes.
“Wait there,” he says, pointing at the ground.
Graham goes to his knees and waits while Colton takes off his own clothes, and he watches eagerly as his Dominant’s muscular body is revealed.
Colton’s hard, his balls large and full, even for a Dominant.
His cock really is beautiful, Graham thinks. Heavy, wide, and long.
What if it’s always a struggle? What if he always has to relax and be a little careful when Colton fucks him? That would mean that every time his Dominant took him, it would be like an act of devotion. His body an offering.
He can’t really believe he had that large cock inside him, but he did. He’ll be able to take it again.
“Up,” Colton orders. Then he pushes Graham down onto the chilly marble counter, urges his legs apart, and reaches for the plug. The counter feels good on his hot cheek. “Let’s see what we’re working with here.”
“I’ll leak onto the floor.” He’s embarrassed to admit it.
And he doesn’t want Colton to know that he’s healed completely.
That the plug isn’t even a blip on his radar.
Colton won’t want a sub that can’t stay down in subspace and processes this fast. His breathing is picking up and Colton puts a hand between his shoulder blades, the other on his ribs.
“Why are you breathing so fast? What happened?” There’s almost a growl in his tone.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” He tries to stand up.
Colton’s hand settles on his shoulder, pressing downward, encouraging him to stay where he is. His body is hard and warm as he stands close behind Graham. But Graham can’t feel his cock. Does that mean Colton isn’t hard?
Graham whimpers.
Colton cups Graham’s cock in his hand. “You’re softening. Tell me.”
He swallows hard. “I’m healed. And the plug is so small it’s practically comfortable now.”
Colton makes a noise, sounding almost curious, and his hand slides down Graham’s back to the plug. He presses hard against it, and Graham doesn’t lift at all to avoid it. He takes it with barely a sigh.
“And why does that make you anxious?”
He doesn’t want to say.
“You think I can’t keep you down?”
“No! I mean, it worries me. A little.” Maybe a lot, the more he thinks about it. “But it’s not really that. It’s more that you won’t want me. It’s going to get tedious if I don’t drop when you do stuff to me. You’ll think I don’t want you.”
“You need to stop making bizarre assumptions. You’re not a Dominant. You’re not me. You have no fucking idea what I want, how I play, or if you can even meet the goals I set for you. Let it go. Give us a chance at least.”
“I am! I want to. I’m not trying to drive you away. But see, I am already. I don’t want to think it, don’t want to question, I swear—”
Colton reaches for the plug and pulls it out half an inch then shoves it home again. He presses it down so it puts pressure on Graham’s rim and then uses his other hand to tug on his rim from above. It’s weird and painful and absorbing. All of his Dominant’s focus is on him and his hole.
“Fuck. Thank you, Sir,” he moans.
He breaks out in goose bumps, and then he’s pressing back, offering his ass, clenching on the plug and desperately wishing it was Colton’s cock coring into him. “You’re overthinking it, honey. I want you. I won’t let you go.”
For three days, Graham thinks.
Then Colton pulls out the plug. Come and lube slip out of him, drool out and drip down his thighs. It cools quickly. Colton pushes away from him and looks at the mess, whistles at the sight, and shoves come back into him with two fingers.
“Look at you. I can see you closing up as I watch.” Fingers brush roughly against his hole in firm circles and then Colton spanks him directly on his sensitive skin.
He yelps. Another squishing sound and his mouth is open in a silent cry as Colton spanks him with two fingers over and over again, swiping his fingers through the mess so it sounds obscene, and Graham falls into a gentle subspace.
There’s nowhere else to go.
“Don’t worry. I have towels and cleaner for you to clean up your messes.”
“It’s your come,” he finally says, but the words come out slurred instead of sassy.
“No, baby doll. I’ve given it to you. It’s a gift. You made my cock hard, made me need to come, and I put it inside you where it belongs. It’s your come and you’ll clean it up.”
Graham doesn’t know why that affects him so deeply but it does, and he goes a little deeper down, grateful to have the counter under him for support.
“Once we get you balanced, you’ll be responsible for it. I think you’d like licking up your own mess, wouldn’t you?”
The horror of it roils through him as he imagines how disgusting that would be. His gaze goes unfocused, jaw lax as the humiliation spills through him and is instantly eroticized. Maybe he doesn’t like it but his designation does.
“Right. Let’s see you,” Colton says, and he drops down to his knees, peering intently at Graham’s hole.
He jerks when Colton touches him. “What was your pain level when we had anal sex the first time?”
“I don’t… What’s the scale?”
“One is green, ten is red.”
“Umm, four? Maybe?” He hopes that doesn’t make Colton mad.
“Okay. The second time?”
“Six… Sir?”
“The second time made you come harder.”
“Yes.”
Colton stands back up and slaps him on the ass. Fingers press into him, feeling inside, checking him for injuries. “Do you feel injured?”
“No.”
“Did you? Could I have hurt you inside and it healed already?”
He isn’t sure. “I haven’t done this enough to know my body that well. But I don’t think so.”
“What haven’t you done enough, baby?”
The question is difficult, but they’re going to have to talk about it at some point.
“Been with someone who, um… who wanted me to get my needs met. My ex… It wasn’t about me.
I was a lot and satisfying him was the most important thing.
I was too needy for him. He was the Dominant, and it should have been about him but it wasn’t.
” Confusing memories want to rush to the surface, but Graham has no desire to let them.
He doesn’t want to think about the past anymore. About his ex and how difficult it was.
“Anyway, he was the only one. When Hank and I broke up, I didn’t even know what I was anymore.
Just that I was wrong and a disappointment.
He’d hurt me,” Graham murmurs and has to take a breath as the past crystallizes in his mind.
“But I couldn’t take the pain right, or…
sometimes it wasn’t satisfying to him, or I just—” He swallows, isn’t even sure what to say.
“It’s just been easier to be alone. At least then I’m only disappointing myself. ”
“It happens a lot, Graham. Whenever a Dom and sub are mismatched, it’s always the submissive who feels the shame and failure of not doing it right.
But it’s never that one-sided. From what I know about you, how you respond to pleasure and getting your needs met, it wasn’t just you.
Hell, I can’t imagine it was your fault, at all.
It sounds like a bad fit. How dominant was he? ” Colton asks.
His voice is soft, expression open, and Graham can tell that Colton means what he’s saying. He isn’t scared off or thinking Graham is a total fuckup. He kisses Graham on the shoulder.
“We weren’t a good match,” Graham confesses. “We wanted to be. I tried really hard. I swear I did. He’d use me and be done, and I’d be… I’d be trying not to climb the walls I felt so unsettled and needy. Not just for sex but more.”
“He couldn’t satisfy your designation.”
Graham nods.
“You need too much to be with a low-designation Dominant. It’s like keeping a husky in an apartment.”
Graham laughs at the comparison. “Should I be offended?”
“I hope not. It’s illustrative not exact.” He cups Graham’s cock in his hand and squeezes.
Graham whimpers.
“Want to come in your sweet little hole again, baby,” Colton says, voice low with arousal.
“Yes, Sir. Please.” It’s a relief because his ex would fuck him and be done, ready to sleep. He’d roll over and conk out and Graham would lie there shaking with how unsatisfied he was. And then he’d spiral.
The truth is that Graham needs to be fucked hard and often.
Needs to be swept away by his Dominant. It has to be difficult or he won’t get his needs met.
But now there’s Colton and Colton is already hard again, is making plans for the things he wants to do to Graham, how he wants to fuck and hurt him.
He’s trying to figure out what Graham can take and that feels right.
“Good. You’ll get used to how it should feel and the varying intensity when I’m inside you or playing with your ass. If it ever feels like it’s going wrong, just say red and we’ll check.”
He doesn’t like Colton saying that. The casual way he talks about Graham failing. Or how easy it would be to just take a break, like it’s interrupting a task instead of hot have to come in you now sex.
“What if you need to come?” he asks carefully.
“I can come when we know you’re fine. I can come on your ass or on your face. There’s always a work-around, Graham. Some scenes will work better than others. It doesn’t matter.” His voice is gentle, the hand on his back soothing.
He blinks back tears. Can’t say how he feels except unsettled and emotional. Frustrated. Maybe even angry.
“What is it?”
“Later?” Graham tries.