Chapter 19 #2
Colton looks at him with a narrowed gaze, trying to work the problem out. Graham is asking questions, deflecting, not necessarily defiant but certainly not in a headspace that means he belongs to Colton. He’s no longer behaving like a good submissive.
What if he never feels like he belongs to anyone? What if he can’t be satisfied? Colton is the highest Dom they could find for him, and they looked through a goddamned database. Shouldn’t he be down all the time? Maybe Graham is just broken?
“No, I don’t think so. Right now, Graham….”
He’s suddenly dizzy and he drops his head for a moment. What is Colton saying? “You’re in my house and bent over my counter. I want to use you and I can’t do that until we’ve talked.”
Right now. Why the fuck did he say right now? Like he’s assuming it will end or reminding Graham that this could all be temporary. What was the sentence before that? What did Colton mean?
He doesn’t know but something in his body or head does.
Graham exhales hard and pushes himself up to standing.
His subspace is gone. He’s returning to himself quickly.
So quickly that in a minute he might think it never even happened at all.
Which is exactly how things were in his old relationship. Why even pretend this will work?
“Whoa. That brought you right up,” Colton says, like Graham is an interesting experiment. “What was it, baby?”
“Right now. Why did you say that?”
“Do you want to kneel at my feet while we talk?”
“Do you want me to kneel?” he snaps. What the fuck is Colton doing? Shouldn’t he know that Graham is struggling and wants to submit? That he can’t just make Graham think he’s about to get intimacy and be used and then get distracted with words. Fucking words!
They can talk later.
After. If they have to. Graham isn’t convinced they ever need to talk about it.
Colton’s brows pull together, and he stares at Graham for what might actually be a small eternity.
“Well, alright then. Do you want water? A sandwich? Let’s go to the kitchen,” Colton says, and he gets a towel, wraps it around his hips, and holds one out to Graham.
What. The. Fuck. This cannot be happening. It’s mean. Why doesn’t Colton just kick him out right now? Why wait since he clearly isn’t wanted.
Colton waits. Graham finally takes the towel wraps it around his waist, and Colton nods at him. Colton won’t even put the towel on him?
“So what, this is a time-out?” Anger is building inside him. Or did you just come to your senses and decide you don’t want me? That’s his real question but the answer isn’t something he can stand to hear.
“Yeah, Graham. I guess this is a time-out.” He doesn’t sound annoyed but he’s quite carefully keeping himself collected.
Which really just pisses Graham off even more.
Some part of Graham is telling himself to not fuck this up.
That this is some sort of test and he is failing.
Never in his life has he listened to the voice of reason, so why would he start now?
“Fine. I don’t need a fucking sandwich, though. I can talk to you like this.”
Colton crosses his own arms, mirroring Graham. He’s patient, head tilted to the side as he puzzles Graham out. Graham looks at his strong arms, the bulge of his muscles, the trail of hair that disappears beneath the towel.
Is it over? No sex at all? Who the fuck asks about a sandwich two seconds after promising to make Graham lick up his own come?
Which is probably why the anger just bursts out of him.
“I can’t do this if I don’t think you want me!
And every time you do this,” he says with some random gesture in Colton’s general direction, aware that he’s deeply inarticulate, “pull away or whatever the fuck it is, and act like it’s casual and easy, and I’m just some random sub to top, then it pulls me out of the right headspace and makes me anxious!
Well, it makes me feel like shit, truth be told.
Anxious would be an improvement. You’re supposed to be a fucking super Dom, so do it already! ”
Colton wouldn’t do this to Jonah. He’d be balls deep in Jonah and have him tied open and gagged with his hole genuinely ruined.
The idea of not having Colton makes him feel ill and he’s suddenly dizzy.
Colton reels him in, holds him close and tight. Three fingers are shoved hard into his ass to the first knuckle and Graham cries out, pinned in place.
Relief slams through him. This is what he needed. “Sweet boy. Settle down, sweetheart. Graham, there is a pace to this. There has to be. I want you too much to screw this up. We can come back from me going too slow but I’m not going to risk running over your boundaries and losing you.”
What a dumb thing to say. “You can’t lose me! I’m the one who is going to lose you!”
Colton laughs. “Well, we’re quite the pair.
Here’s my concern,” he says quickly, as if he maybe he doesn’t want to be talking either.
“If I drop you too far, you’ll agree with anything I want.
You might regret it afterwards and think I’ve taken advantage of you.
I’m sorry I took the cuffs off. We can put them back on in a minute, but I was hoping we could talk first. You like anal sex, anal play, and anal torture.
You respond well to cock and ball pain, most likely torture, rough handling, and slapping.
You go down when you’re embarrassed. Cuffing you brought you down, too.
Sensory deprivation is also something you respond to positively. ”
“You’ve been paying attention?” Graham asks, stunned. And maybe he should protest that he doesn’t like anal torture. Because surely that’s an excessive description, isn’t it?
But maybe then Colton wouldn’t shove his fingers, things, or a cock into him or do any of the things he’s been doing, and that would be awful. Okay, maybe he is someone who likes anal torture.
His old Dominant wasn’t interested in Graham at all. He was happy to fuck Graham and get lots of blow jobs. He liked to choke Graham on his cock and he liked Graham to lick his ass, but there wasn’t a lot of focus on Graham’s needs.
Does he need heavy anal use? If Graham is the submissive, then it isn’t about him. His needs should adapt to his Dom’s wants.
Right?
Doubt niggles at him. Is it possible that he’s been doing this all wrong? Colton starts speaking and the thought goes right out of his head.
“Of course. I want you to be happy. I want us both to be satisfied. You just need to have some patience with me and yourself for a little bit longer. Honestly, I don’t know which one of us you’re fighting more.”
Graham wants Colton to be satisfied, but he nods in agreement anyway. His wants are irrelevant and if they can start playing with any regularity, then maybe Colton’s needs will take over.
‘“I’m not trying to fight.”
“I know, sweetheart.” The fingers crook, rubbing a little, and Graham holds his breath through the sensation. “Be good for me and tell me what you don’t like.” The fingers shift inside him, a weight against his rim. It’s unbearable and lovely at the same time.
“Nothing. I promise. I like everything. I just want more.”
“That’s not helpful.”
“It’s true. I just… I wanna be good for you.”
“Sweetheart, you try so hard to be perfect. I see it. I don’t need perfect. You’re wonderful. You are. What about this? What just happened here? One second you were fine and then you were upset. Guess if you have to.”
Whatever. His mind is going a million miles an hour now.
Why isn’t he being fucked brutally over the counter?
Will Colton ever lose control with him? Desire Graham so much he acts recklessly?
A Dominant is selfish and might be careless of his sub’s needs.
That’s just how it is. And Colton is supposed to be up there, so shouldn’t he be some sexually aggressive deviant instead of Mr. Calm?
I can’t stand the thought of losing you. Of this not being permanent. I don’t want to live if you let me go.
And that would scare Colton away. It would have to. It scares Graham and he’s just the one thinking it! Any sane Dominant would run if he heard a submissive say that.
Which means that instead of saying the truth he tries to change the subject.
“Doms make mistakes. They learn.”
“Hmm. A Dominant making mistakes isn’t a good thing. And a submissive isn’t good just because he endures his Dominant.”
Graham shrugs. “I guess. But I think that ignores biology. A Dominant is overcome with passion and a submissive responds to that. I want to be swept away. I want to be everything to you. If you need me, then… I want to say yes to whatever might happen.” His voice wobbles at the end because it’s too close to how he really feels. He’ll do anything to keep Colton.
“That’s very generous of you, Graham. And I think we’ll get to that point.
Probably fairly quickly. But I’m not going to just act.
I can’t take the risk of hurting you. Submissives get hurt when Dominants take things they’re not willing or ready to give.
This is the pace we’ll go. But don’t think that means I don’t want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my entire life. ”
“Then why do others get things I don’t?” he whispers.
Fingers pump in and out of his hole several times, sinking a little deeper on each thrust. Distracting and soothing. God, he loves Colton doing anything to his ass. “I feel myself going down when you do that.”
“And you’ll be even better once I get my cock in you again. Feel good, baby?”
“Makes this conversation bearable,” he says, turning his head and kissing Colton on the mouth. He feels Colton smile and it makes him warm inside.
“Good. We’re almost done talking. You’re amazing.” Colton pulls his fingers free and Graham is both relieved and grief-stricken.
“I think you give other submissives things you won’t give me.” Shit.
“Okay, sweetheart,” Colton says, voice soft. So gentle that it brings tears to Graham’s eyes. “What do you think I give them?”
Graham shrugs.