Chapter 10
Rule ten: Do not get turned on at the thought of being his sex slave.
I think I’m going to throw up.
I excuse myself from the table, and mercifully, no one tries to stop me. My head is spinning, and I don’t know how to stop it. The castle walls feel like they’re starting to close in on me.
I can’t breathe again. This panic attack is coming on with a vengeance. I don’t think I’m going to make it to my room.
The large double doors that lead outside the castle are a few steps away. Numbly, I push one open and walk out into the brisk night air. The grass is cool beneath my feet, and I start walking into the night. I have no direction in mind other than, ‘Don’t go towards the murder forest.’
The breeze pushes my hair from my face, and I use the wind to try and force more air into my lungs.
Breathe, Vivian.
Just fucking breathe.
It’s not that hard. And quite frankly, it’s really shitty of my body to decide that breathing is not for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s right up there with fear paralysis in terms of lousy responses to danger.
I follow the stone path that leads around the side of the castle. There’s a rock wall parallel to it, and my fingers trail along the smooth stonework. The sensation helps to ground me. The path splits into two directions up ahead. One leads to a stairway leading up to a balcony on the second floor, whereas the other leads to Rosie’s garden. Small twinkle lights flicker between plants, giving the garden a magical ambience.
I take a hard left, steering well away from the greenery. Even though I’ve helped Rosie with her plants a few times now, gardens still remind me of the maze at the Council’s castle. Mazes remind me of Leon, and what we did in there.
My stomach cramps.
Every intimate moment with Leon, was it all just the product of a corrupted bond?
Did he know? How could he not if he’d already had other Keepers before me?
Leon’s words haunt me… I never had a choice .
The depressive haze starts to press around me as I make my way up the steps. I focus on shoving that train of thought deep down with the other emotions I’m not dealing with. But the box feels more fragile than it used to be. Like I’m repressing too much, and it’s starting to burst at the seams.
That thought is terrifying.
The steps curve around the castle wall and open to a large semicircle stone balcony. It looks over the sand arena where Damien and I have been training. There are open doors, with translucent white curtains billowing in the small breeze. I can’t make out many details, despite the dim lamps floating along the walls. The place has a shadowy but cozy atmosphere.
I love it.
This is the Shadow Realm vibe I expected to find here. And the part of me that swoons at cozy things is completely here for it. It’s almost perfect, save for the large, imposing, warrior-looking man leaning on the balcony, staring out into the darkness.
I suppose I could pretend Sin is a gargoyle. That would fit the aesthetic. And honestly, I think Sin would make the perfect gargoyle.
I debate whether I should turn around and hope he doesn’t notice me when Sin calls out, “Were you going to stare at me all night?”
He sounds annoyed. Maybe I’m intruding on his me time.
With that thought, I make my way over to stand beside him. Kidnappers don’t get me time. They get annoyed by their prisoners.
“So,” I start, “you left the table in a hurry.”
“It was better that way,” he answers.
I pause, waiting to see if he’ll continue. Of course, he doesn’t .
I chew on my lower lip as I consider how far I’m willing to push this man. For the first time, there’s no malice in how he speaks to me. He sounds… tired. I decide to risk my neck.
“Why is it better that way?” I press.
Sin stands silently, not acknowledging my question. But his body has gone rigid like he’s very uncomfortable with my asking.
I try to lighten the mood in hopes it will get him talking. Maybe Sin is finally ready to be pleasant.
“I just talked about being controlled by a corrupted sex bond in front of a table full of near-strangers that may or may not be my enemy,” I note, keeping my eyes on the darkness beyond. “Not that you owe me anything, but it would be pretty great if you didn’t shut me out. It’s just fueling my inner monologue that you’re biding your time so you can torture and kill me slowly.”
Sin lets out a blistering sigh, and I’m sure all I’ve succeeded in is annoying him.
“I have no plans to kill you, mortal,” he answers.
“Torture?”
“Only if you really annoy me,” he answers gruffly.
I grin. I’m ninety-six percent sure Sin just cracked a joke.
Hell must have frozen over.
“What about mind controlling me into betraying Leon and the Council and turning me into your own personal slave?” I ask, holding my breath for his answer.
This question is one I’ve been internally freaking out over. Sin is known as a puppet master. So how do I know I’m using my own free will while I’m here?
Goosebumps erupt on my arms .
Sin’s hands tighten against the railing before he turns to me. I face him and clutch my hands in front of me, hoping he can’t see them shaking. Our eyes meet, and I swallow.
“I could,” Sin answers darkly. “If there’s a part of you that thinks you might like that idea, I can amplify that desire until it’s all you think about.”
He steps forward as he continues, his head cocking to one side and his eyes roaming over me, “Any hint of a dark desire you’ve ever had, any intrusive thought, I can exploit. If there’s a part of you that wants to be on your knees for me, I can make you do it.”
He’s so close that I’m enveloped by his heat, and my cheeks burn at his mention of my being on my knees. Sin takes in my flustered expression. His gaze grows heated before hardening again and turning to disgust.
“Don’t flatter yourself. Your entire purpose in life is to act as a whore for the Council. That’s the destiny written out for you. I wouldn’t touch you, even if my life depended on it.”
His words have the effect of drenching me with a cold bucket of water. My necklace warms, but there’s no telling which statement it was reacting to. I step away from him.
Sin is not a good man.
“So how can I know you won’t just puppet me any way you see fit?”
Sin crosses his arms and leans against the balcony. “You don’t.”
I bite my inner cheek to stop the sliver of rage that slips through my boxes. “How is that supposed to help me sleep at night? ”
Sin sighs again, reminding me that I’m annoying him. “It isn’t. You’re in a castle full of powerful creatures. We all have the power to hurt you in one way or another, just like we have the power to hurt each other. We sleep because we know where our loyalties lie. We know our allies. We don’t need to control each other to do that.”
I mull over his words, feeling worse than I did when I came up here. Not because of what Sin is saying but because of what he doesn’t need to say. I’m the opposite of everything he’s described. I have no loyalties or allies, and I’m outright controlling Leon by refusing to release him. The guilt gnaws at me.
“Do you think I’m wrong by keeping Leon in his collar?” It’s a stupid question to ask someone who was collared and enslaved by the Council, but I need to know.
Am I the villain in my own story?
Sin cracks a knuckle, and his expression darkens.
“In all the time I was enslaved by the Council, I never wanted to do the work they asked of me. I engineered the fall of civilizations by whispering treasonous or greedy thoughts into the minds of others. But I never willingly hurt innocents. Leon, he’s not like that.” He pauses before muttering, “I don’t think you made a bad choice.”
I frown, remembering Magnus joking about Leon at dinner. “What did Magnus mean about Leon overcompensating when he doesn’t get his way? And what does that have to do with my memories?” I ask.
Sin hedges my question, “Do you have any knowledge, any at all, about your history with Leon? ”
I nod. “Leon said we were lovers and that when he saw me die, his collar fell off, and he killed the invaders that were taking over Atlantis.”
Sin eyes me warily, like he’s unsure whether he should say anything more.
“What am I missing?” I ask. I feel like this is a crucial piece of the puzzle that I need to try and piece together what is happening between me and Leon.
“Leon didn’t just kill the invaders. He sank the entire civilization and the surrounding nations into the sea. He drowned the entire coastline.”
For the second time tonight, I want to throw up. The blood drains from my face at Sin’s words. Leon murdered thousands, willingly, when he saw me die.
An involuntary shudder wracks through me as a thought enters my mind.
What will Leon do to get me back now?
Despair digs its claws into me again, and I know another panic attack is on the horizon if I don’t get myself under control.
Sin eyes me warily like he’s expecting me to fall apart.
I refuse to give him the satisfaction.
Focus on what you can control, Vivian.
It might not be the most profound technique for calming down, but I’m working with what I’ve got. And I’ve still got my head.
Leon is a problem. I can solve problems. And not in an ‘I can fix him, he’s just damaged’ kind of way.
Sin and I stand in silence after his reveal of Leon’s atrocity. Neither of us is feeling chatty. I’m annoyed. It feels like everyone around me always knows so much more about my circumstances than I do. And I don’t think I can effectively outwit them if I don’t have all the information.
How do you outsmart people who have been alive for thousands of years when you’ve only been around for less than three decades?
I pause at that thought, mulling it over, remembering Sin’s words at the dinner table. There might be a way to gain at least a bit more insight.
“Are there many ways someone can go about getting their memories back from a previous life?” I ask, trying to sound only vaguely interested.
Sin shrugs. “It’s not brain surgery. You would need someone to open a gate in your mind. The one that holds the memories locked in your soul.”
I hum. “Are there many people who can do that?”
Sin turns to me, arching an eyebrow. He still manages to look irritated while he does it. “If you want your memories restored, I can do it, mortal.”
My pulse picks up at the thought of him going anywhere near me with his Destroyer powers. If Sin goes digging around in my head, he might see the secrets I’m keeping. It’s a big risk.
“I’ve gathered that. I’m asking if there’s someone else here who can do it,” I clarify.
Sin bares his teeth. “Don’t want me in your head, mortal?”
“Not particularly,” I answer honestly.
“If I wanted to go digging around in your memories, I could do it any time without you ever realizing it.”
My stomach drops. “Why – why don’t you? ”
He arches an eyebrow. “What makes you think I haven’t?”
I shake my head softly. “You haven’t.”
If Sin knew I freed two creatures from his realm, or if he knew I blasted Leon into a wall… I shudder to think how quickly my existence would be terminated. But he’s back to looking suspicious, so I bluff, “The way you reacted tonight when you learned about the corrupted bond. If you’d been digging in my head, you’d already have known.”
Sin’s jaw works like he’s deciding whether to believe me until he finally turns away again. “It’s a last resort. I know all too well what it’s like to have your free will ripped away. Unless I think you’re a serious threat, your thoughts are your own.”
He grumbles his answer like he’s loath to admit such an honorable thing.
I get it. It really reflects poorly on his villain-cred.
Still, it’s enough to ease my fear of him being in my head – until another thought has me snapping up ramrod straight. “Would I still be me? Or would I become her – Cassandra?”
Oh god, what if I lose myself and become content to serve as Leon’s obedient Keeper? What if I let him blow up my realm?
Sin shrugs. “Your own consciousness is tied to this body. It’s very unlikely that you’ll lose yourself. But you’d have Cassandra’s memories within reach, just like your own.”
I swallow. “Unlikely isn’t a guarantee. ”
I don’t consider myself a big gambler. The rural Atlantic Coast didn’t have anything in the way of casinos, and I was way too frugal to buy scratch tickets.
Sin pushes off the balcony. “It isn’t. The choice is yours. But…”
I wait for a breath for him to continue. He doesn’t. “But what?”
He appraises me like he’s trying to decide if I’m worth the effort of embellishing. “Cassandra was a warrior. As you are now, your only value is in the bond between you and Leon. You’re weak and dependent on whoever can offer you protection. Like this, you’ll never know freedom. You don’t have years to train. But with her memories, you might not need them. You might become something more than the destiny the Council chose for you.”
Sin’s words are blunt, but I can’t deny there’s truth to them. My hands shake, and I tuck them under my arms, hugging myself.
I don’t want to be weak.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
“Okay,” I answer. “Let’s do this.”
Sin nods. “Your room. You’ll probably black out,” he notes as he heads back to the castle.
I follow him, trying not to think too hard about what I’m about to do. This is just another adrenaline-inducing activity.
It’s totally fine. My hands have always felt this clammy.
Sin leads us upstairs to our shared hallway and opens my door. But instead of heading in right away, he stills, his expression darkening. The look is gone almost instantly, though, and we head inside.
I frown at his micro evil villain expression but shrug it off. The guy seems to have a lot of people issues. And really, I’m not going to judge, because same.
Sin pauses next to my bed, his gaze locked on something. It takes me a second to realize what he’s staring at.
The blanket. His blanket, that I borrowed (stole).
“Erm, so how should we do this?” I ask, trying to distract him from my mad thieving skills.
I’m about to let the guy I robbed mess around with my head. This is a new level of stupid, even for me.
Am I going to let that realization stop me?
Of course not.
“Lay down on the bed,” Sin orders.
Do NOT blush, do NOT blush, do NOT blush.
I repeat the mantra as I skirt around him and lay on my back. Sin looks like an angry god looming over me.
“So, what now?” I ask in a way that I really hope conveys no sexual innuendo.
I didn’t think my smut addiction would ever come back to bite me in the ass. But now that I’m having many more close encounters with dark, brooding men, everything has become an opportunity to think about sex.
I have no regrets.
Sin pulls the chair next to the bed and sits so he’s next to the headboard. I prefer him sitting. He almost looks relaxed this way – if I scrunch my eyes just right.
He leans forward, and his face is only inches from mine. The smell of woodsmoke is almost overpowering now, with him and his blanket this close. I purse my lips, waiting for him to do something.
“I’ll start breaking the barrier down slowly. So that your memories don’t flood your brain all at once. I’m going to put you to sleep to make it easier for your subconscious to process the information.”
My heart rate picks up at the thought of being asleep with Sin here. But the panic ebbs when I remember that I was unconscious when he first brought me here, and he didn’t try anything. Besides, the man is clearly disgusted with my existence.
Sin leans in closer, his hands settling on either side of my head. His lips are so close to mine, it would take less than a flinch, and we’d be kissing.
Don’t think about it, Vivian.
Sin’s voice comes as a low growl, “And mortal, the next time you enter my room, you’d better be prepared not to leave it again until I’m finished with you.”
I only have a chance to gasp before his voice comes again.
“Sleep.”
And then the darkness takes hold of me.