Chapter 22 Cade
CADE
I’ve only felt this chilling fear once before. When I saw Ansel on his knees with a gun against his head. Only the knowledge that Samson was the one wielding it stopped me from spiraling completely.
Samson isn’t here right now. It’s just me and Ansel.
As he takes my hand and silently leads me from the café, I know. Somehow, I know. I’ve known from the second I saw that fake-ass smile. The gray tinge of his skin. The tremble in his lower lip.
Something is wrong. Desperately wrong.
I have no idea what’s caused it, why it came on so suddenly, but I’m going to find out.
We walk past an alley and I gently shove Ansel into it, backing him up against the wall and boxing him in with my forearms. “What’s going on?”
Ansel closes his eyes and inhales slowly. When he opens his eyes, there’s an eerie calmness there. “I need to go home for a few days.”
Is that all? Fuck, I was almost in a panic over this.
“Sure, butterfly. Let me just grab a bag, and we’ll head over there. You know I’ve been dying to see your place.”
There’s that smile again. The fake one. I want to kiss it off his face until his real one reappears, but he speaks before I can do that.
“No, Cade. I need to be alone. I want to be.”
I freeze, and my head tilts to the side. “Why?”
Ansel shrugs, looking at a point over my right shoulder. “Just need some space.”
“You can have that with me there. I’ll be so quiet. The quietest.”
A shadow passes over his eyes. “Cade, no. I don’t want you to come with me.”
My brow furrows.
He swallows. “Please don’t make me do this.”
“Do what?”
“Please,” he whispers, his hands cupping my face. “Please just let me go home…without you. Let me go back to my place and give me space for a few days. That’s all I’m asking for.”
It’s such a simple request. A perfectly reasonable one. A normal man wouldn’t have an issue accepting it.
I’ve never wished to be normal before now.
“No,” I hear myself saying. “It’s not safe. Not while those men are still out there. Maybe if you tell me who they are, then—”
The bitter laugh that cuts me off has my stomach flipping. It’s so jaded. That’s not the Ansel I’ve come to know. “That’s not happening. I said I want to go alone and I mean it.”
“Fuck that. No. You’re not going. Not without me.”
Ansel rubs a hand across his eyes before squaring his shoulders. “Fine. I didn’t want to do this, I really didn’t, but I have to.”
“Butterfly, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Do you realize how ironic that is?” His temper is rising now. I haven’t seen it since back at the cabin. It doesn’t amuse me like it once did. Seeing it now makes me feel many things, and not a single one of them is amusement. “You’re the one denying me what I want right now.”
My own temper rising to the surface. “Because I’m trying to keep you safe.”
Ansel’s shoulders droop suddenly. “I don’t want you to keep me safe. I don’t want you near me! It’s over, Cade. Can’t you see? We’d never work together.”
I glance down to see if he’s actually stabbed me. No. It’s just his words slicing my chest open. The blood drips onto the ground near my feet, and I feel slightly faint.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do.” His gaze meets mine, and another piece of my heart is carved out. My butterfly isn’t lying to me. “I want to be far away from you. I don’t want to be around you.”
One of my hands falls from the wall, and I suddenly feel incredibly small.
“Get out of my sight. You disgust me.”
My father’s words come roaring back to me, and I can’t help but stutter. “B-but…but why? What did I do? We were fine just a few minutes ago!”
Ansel makes a choking, sobbing noise as he shakes his head vehemently. “Nothing, Titan. Nothing at all. This is about me. Not you.”
That’s not true. Fuck, I hate that I can tell when he’s lying to me. I wish I didn’t know him so well. Maybe it’d make this easier.
Fuck that. Nothing could make getting my heart broken easier.
The other hand falls. They both hang limply at my sides. My brain is screaming at me to grab him. To throw him over my shoulder and run away. To hell with the consequences.
But my heart…it’s watching Ansel closely. It’s noting the conviction on his face. It’s seeing the endless tears tracking down his cheeks. It’s hearing the broken cadence of his plea. “Please. Let me go. I don’t want you with me. I don’t want you around.”
I always knew I couldn’t say no to him. I just didn’t realize that meant not saying no to him walking away from me.
That doesn’t mean I’ll fight fair though. “I can’t let you leave me. I love you.”
He crumples back against the wall as if I’ve struck him. His shoulders are heaving with the sobs that are racking him. “You shouldn’t love me, Cade. Nothing good comes from being associated with me.”
I grab his hand and hold it to my chest. “That’s not true. The way I feel about you is good. The way you make me feel is good. That’s all that matters, isn’t it? Everything else is just filler.”
But he’s shaking his head and gently pulling his hand from my grip. “I wish it were that simple.”
“It is. It can be. You just have to let it.”
“I can’t.”
“Then I don’t understand!” I’m angry again, hands tugging at my hair as I pace backward a few steps. “What’s stopping you? Why can’t we just be together?”
His throat bobs. “I wish I could explain. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
“Then stop this,” I whisper, closing the gap between us. “Because this is hurting me. It’s fucking killing me. You’re telling me we can’t be together, that I need to let you leave, but you won’t tell me why. And you think that’s not hurting me. I just told you I love you!”
He stares over my shoulder again. “If you love me, you’ll let me leave and you won’t follow.”
I stagger back, my hand going to my chest. “You can’t ask that of me.”
“I just did.”
There’s a thickness in my throat, one I haven’t felt since I was a small child.
“Don’t cry or I’ll beat you bloody.”
“I don’t understand. Everything was fine between us. We were literally laughing and getting coffee. What the fuck happened?”
“Nothing.” Another lie, and a bad one at that. “But I need to go, and you need to let me.”
I slam my fist on the wall in frustration. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
“There’s nothing going on.” His voice is hollow now. Resigned. “I just realized this can’t continue. We’ve been living in a bubble. A pretend world. A dream. It’s time for me to wake up and return to reality. For both of us to do that.”
“But you are my reality, butterfly.”
“I’m a fantasy.” He touches my cheek, and more tears roll down his face. I hate that even while he’s breaking my heart, I can’t help but want to comfort him. “I’m no good for you, Cade. Bad things follow me everywhere. One day you’ll see. This is for the best.”
“No, I won’t. I’ll never think that, butterfly, because I know you’re what’s best for me. I don’t know what’s sending you running, but I think you believe I’m the best for you, too.”
“You are. I’m not denying that.” His hand falls away from my face, the ghost of it lingering. “This truly isn’t about you. I’m grateful to have met you. So fucking grateful. You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever felt before.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Because it’s what’s right,” he says heavily. He presses his lips to my cheek. Wetness covers my skin. From him, or maybe from me. I have no idea. I’m not here right now. I’m back in that café, trying to pinpoint the moment my life was turned upside down without my knowledge. “Goodbye, Titan.”
No. This isn’t happening. I won’t let it. My hand affixes to his bicep, refusing to let go.
But then Ansel blinks up at me. His mouth forms the one word I can’t deny. “Please. Let me go.”
“You’ll never get rid of me.”
“I have to. I’m done.”
I don’t move. I don’t do anything. I’m frozen in time, unable to stop this from happening, but unable to let it.
Ansel’s breath shakes unevenly as he loosens my grip, one finger at a time. Once he’s slid free, he steps away from me quickly.
Then he spins on his heel.
And leaves.