Chapter 23 Cade
CADE
The fact that my butterfly thinks I’m going to just let him walk away from me makes me think he doesn’t know me very well.
There is no way I’m going to allow him to disappear from my life.
It could be forever, and I’d still follow him.
My feet clip along the pavement as I follow behind him at a distance, his head bent, his fingers flying across his phone screen. His movements stutter, and he cranes his neck slightly. I move behind a storefront outcropping and wait a moment, not wanting him to see me.
If he sees me, he’ll be upset.
But not more than me. I can’t believe he just tried to break up with me. The longer I think on it, the more confused I am. It started with two days apart, and then it ended with him wanting infinite space.
I should’ve just agreed to the two days. What the fuck was I thinking? More importantly, what was Ansel thinking?
Was it because I told him I love him? Is that why he fucking broke up with me? Sadness mixes with anger, and I clench my fists tightly.
He couldn’t have really meant it. Something else is going on.
I just need to figure out what it is.
I move back out onto the sidewalk and continue following him. He turns down a small alleyway, and I duck down behind a large dumpster before standing up and catching the flutter of his shirt as he turns another corner.
Where the fuck is he going? I pull my phone out and message Wylder, asking for Ansel’s address. I should have gotten it sooner, but I was so enamored with him, I figured we’d get there eventually. There was no rush.
Well, now there is. A big one. Because he’s trying to get away from me. Two fucking days. Then forever.
How about no.
Not happening.
We were happy until something happened. I just need to figure out what it is and why. I don’t believe it was a whim. I believe there’s something more to it. There has to be.
I pick up speed and watch as Ansel cuts across the street. I follow. He goes down another alley, one that leads into the forest.
But he stops at the abandoned railroad platform.
It used to be the hub of the town, but with the invention of the automobile, it was no longer needed, falling into disrepair.
It’s been nearly swallowed by weeds, the benches slightly rotted, timetables hanging crooked with numbers that are faded from the sun. Kids like to come here and fuck around.
Well, right now, no one is fucking around except Ansel.
I watch as he runs a hand through his hair and cranes his neck this way and that. I move behind a tree, trying to hide myself, but his voice calls out.
“Come out, Cade. I know you’re there.”
I hold my breath, hating how scared he sounds, that tinge of desperation lining his words.
“Please.” It’s a whisper, but I hear it. I’ll always hear him.
I let out the air I was holding in my lungs and peer around the tree trunk. His lips turn down in a frown, and he shoves his hands into his pockets before pulling them out again.
“What are you doing?”
“Keeping an eye on you,” I reply, moving toward that old, rickety platform. I don’t like that he’s standing on it, but here we are.
“I don’t want you to keep an eye on me. I want you to leave me alone. I need some fucking space.”
I stare, trying to get a read on him, but there’s nothing but annoyance on his face. And fear.
Is he afraid of me? Or is it something else?
“Cade, seriously, leave me the fuck alone.”
I don’t move, just watch him.
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
He huffs and runs his hands through his hair, his throat bobbing. “I said…I said, if you loved me, you wouldn’t follow, and here you are. So, that must mean you don’t love me. It just means you’re a fucking stalker.”
I cock my head, trying to ignore the hurt cascading through me. Why is Ansel being this way? “I do love you, which is why I’m following you.”
His lips twist, and he lets out a frustrated scream. “Why can’t you get it through your fucking head, Cade?! Leave me the fuck alone!”
His words are torn from him, rustling the trees around us, the wood under his feet creaking ominously.
They also hit me straight in the chest, and it squeezes, denial and anger moving through me.
Sadness. Abandonment.
Fear.
“You really want me to do that?” I ask, my voice rough. It cracks and creaks like the old train platform Ansel is standing on.
He’s crying again. I wish I could wipe his tears away. I wish he’d let me. “Yes, leave me the fuck alone. Just like I asked. I’m not going to be nice about it if you keep interfering.”
“You aren’t being nice now.”
“Yeah, well, you won’t fucking leave me alone when I’m nice. So here I am, being mean. Now go. I don’t want you here. Leave.”
I run a hand across my aching chest. “I’m not wanted?”
He bobs his head, the tears falling thick and fast now. “You’re not wanted. I don’t want you.”
I wish I could understand, but I can’t. “But you said you were happy. You said you didn’t want to hurt me, and here you are. Hurting me.”
His throat clicks. I can hear it from where I stand.
I take a step toward him, closer and closer until we’re inches apart. I can see the pain on his face, the frustration, the discomfort.
He really does want me to go. Maybe this isn’t something sinister. Maybe he’s really had a change of heart.
Ansel’s voice is thick as he speaks. “I don’t ever want to hurt you, not really, but I need you to listen to me. I need time apart from you. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. This is all too fast, and I’m overwhelmed. You’re making me fucking crazy.”
“Well, I can take a step back.” Even as I say it, my hand reaches out and touches his cold skin. He’s shivering.
“You can’t. We both know you’re obsessive and controlling. Just…just like your father.”
That makes my head rear back slightly. “That’s not a nice thing to say. I’m nothing like my father.”
He turns his head and swipes at his eyes.
“I never met him, but from what I can tell, you are. And I just don’t want that in my life right now.
I told you. I tried to be nice, but here we are.
So leave me the fuck alone. Don’t follow me, don’t get near me.
” He swallows, and his voice comes out rough and broken. “I don’t want you in my life.”
I take a step back, my hand falling from his arm. “Is that really what you want?”
His eyes flit to my chest, and his skin goes pale. “Yes. Yes, I want that.”
“Let me at least walk you home?”
He cries out again and shoves me. “Get! The fuck! Away! Leave!”
He tears off running, tripping slightly. I try to move, to follow him, but my foot gets caught in a crumbling board. I fall through the platform slightly, tearing my pants and nicking my knee on a rusty nail. Fuck, I’m going to get tetanus. I’m going to die before I can work this out with Ansel.
I watch him go as I pull my bloody leg from the broken floor and try to chase after him, but he’s disappeared. I pull out my phone and see Wylder has sent me Ansel’s address.
Well, fine. I won’t follow him, but I will check to make sure he’s arrived home safely. And then I’ll come up with a plan. I always have a fucking plan. It was ingrained in me as a child. If you don’t have one, you get injured, you get punished. You could even get killed.
I worry that having no plan will end up with Ansel hurt. And as much as his words pained me, ripped a goddamn hole in my chest, I don’t want him to be a casualty in any of this.
So I wait, staring at the blood pooling on the skin visible through my torn jeans.
And when I’ve counted to a thousand at least five times, I stand up and follow the directions to the small, rundown apartment complex on the other end of town.
As I walk, I don’t see Ansel, and with each step I take, my heart thunders in my chest.
I can feel something isn’t right, can sense it, but the words he said—needing space, needing time…to insulting me, screaming at me…
Like your father.
He didn’t mean that. He couldn’t.
Could he?
I turn the corner and see the small block of apartments.
They were commissioned by the city decades ago and haven’t been maintained.
The concrete is faded and stained, neglected and left to the elements.
Rust crawls up the balconies, and there are even some windows boarded up.
I can’t believe my beautiful butterfly lives in such a terrible place.
He belongs somewhere safe, somewhere pretty, with a garden and a space to spread his wings.
This complex is far too stifling.
But then again, he’s not my butterfly anymore, is he? He’s flown away. Left me behind.
Pain radiates up my arm, and I clutch at it as I move toward the door that belongs to him.
The window shades are drawn, but I can hear him inside, talking to himself, mumbling words I can’t make out. My fingers touch the pane of glass, and I try to wrench the window open. It doesn’t budge, which makes my heart skip a beat. That’s good. At least no one will be entering this way.
I move to the door and try to open it, but it’s locked as well. Thank fuck. At least he’s keeping himself safe behind locked windows and doors. It still hurts me though, because we’re not together. He’s behind a door I’m not allowed through.
What if he never lets me in again?
My hand squeezes my arm, and I wonder if perhaps I’m having a heart attack. That would be poetic, wouldn’t it? Passing out and dying here in front of my love’s front step.
But I know I’m not dying. It’s nothing more than panic. I’ve experienced this before. Usually, my father and his punishments were the reason for it. But now it’s Ansel. He’s the reason for my current distress.
He’s the only one who can make it better.
I stumble down to the sidewalk, staring at the apartment complex crumbling before me, and pull out my phone.
“Wylder,” I say when he answers.
“Cade,” he replies, and I sigh, scrubbing at my face.
“I need eyes on Ansel. Can you call the guards and tell them to come here and stand watch?”