Chapter 9
Nine
Killien
Ican’t believe it, but I’m flirting with a guy. When I arrived at Jacob’s apartment today, I wasn’t sure if I’d like any of his friends. Turns out that I get along with everyone, and I particularly like Abby and Owen.
If it wasn’t for this strange desire to experiment with other men, I’d be pursuing Abby, for sure.
She’s the type of girl I’ve always been into, the safe bet.
Confident, easygoing, and kind. Her umber skin tone creates a beautiful contrast with the stark white of her teeth when she smiles, and her onyx eyes are seductive and penetrating.
Regarding Owen, though, I’m still not sure what I look for in another man. However, I do like that he makes me feel comfortable. He seems confident and flirts without being too pushy.
We’re silently watching the cars go by beyond the parking lot of the unassuming two-story building.
It doesn’t look like much, and it isn’t fancy in any way.
Just a well-kept apartment complex, comprised of several identical buildings with cream stucco walls and red roof tiles, like so many others in the area.
At least it’s not rundown and creepy like the house Ledger left us in, and Jacob has his space perfectly decorated to his taste.
My hands rest on the black iron fence of the balcony, and Owen made sure to place one of his right next to mine. His fingers seem warm and soft, and I find it hard to resist the urge to touch him. I’m curious to see if it will feel like touching Damien, or Jacob.
Abby gets my attention as she leans her back against the fence on my other side, taking a puff of her cigarette. She narrows her eyes at something, huffing out a small laugh. Her dark gaze finds mine and she winks.
“Your brother’s got Jacob real good,” she says. “I’ve never seen him like this before.”
I turn around to see what she’s talking about, looking through the sliding glass door.
Jacob’s living room is dimly lit by a simple black chandelier, the walls painted in a dark forest green shade, with grey tiled floors and minimal furniture.
The old galley kitchen sits in a corner, with dark wooden cabinets and white laminate countertops, almost completely useless in a vampire’s home.
Which is probably why it hasn’t been updated like the rest of the space.
I find Damien and Jacob sitting on the tan leather sectional in the middle of the living area, really close to each other. My brother’s hand is behind his boyfriend’s back, while he whispers something in his ear. The sight makes my heart skip a beat and I cringe at the uncomfortable feeling.
Fucking hell. Why do I love and hate watching this at the same time?
They’ve been all over each other the entire night.
I caught Jacob touching Damien’s thighs more than once, his fingers almost sliding between his legs.
I shouldn’t have looked, but my eyes remained glued to them most of the time.
They don’t seem to care about the group of vamps around them, scattered across the sectional and matching armchairs on each side.
“They are really cute together.” Owen presses his shoulder against mine as he speaks, getting closer to my ear. The warmth of his breath sends a strange shiver down my spine.
“Yeah,” I say, not really understanding the feelings I’ve been fighting all night. I look into Owen’s green irises, his golden blonde hair slightly covering them, before returning to the scene unfolding in Jacob’s apartment.
Damien and Jacob are cute together indeed.
They almost look like they were made for each other.
Jacob is tall and strong, all covered in ink, definitely handsome with his classy black button-up shirt and tailored trousers, the many silver accessories adding to his goth aura—several chain bracelets and a stack of necklaces.
While Damien is all small next to him, delicate but wild-looking with his piercings and edgy outfit; ripped black jeans and a tight T-shirt that has mesh on some areas, showing off his soft ivory skin.
Needless to say, it makes me incredibly jealous. Of what exactly? I wouldn’t know. I’ve been really confused lately. There’s something ugly and dangerous brewing in my heart, and I can’t seem to grasp it.
My brother gets up with a wicked grin on his lips, the kind that shows he’s up to no good.
He walks towards Jacob’s bedroom, and our eyes meet briefly.
My heart twists and turns painfully in my chest. I’m suddenly back to square one, confused and hurt by something I can’t even understand. And I still want him.
I can’t look away from Damien’s eyes until he closes the bedroom door and disappears. I swallow hard through the knot in my throat as I anticipate what is going to happen any second now.
“It really sucks that Ledger took off on you like that . . .” Abby sighs, lost in her thoughts.
“We’re used to being alone.” I shrug, thankful for her interruption of my spiraling emotions.
It’s better that way, we don’t need anyone else. Just us against the world is good enough.
What am I thinking? It’s true: we’ve been facing the world head-on by ourselves for a long time. But that’s not what my mind is hinting at. That’s not why my heart aches. And I refuse to accept what is actually happening to me. I can’t fall for my brother.
I won’t let these feelings deviate me from my path. I’m Damien’s older brother. That’s all.
“Jacob said you two ran away from home at a young age, is that true?” Owen’s words pull me out of the black pit that is slowly swallowing me whole.
“Yeah, I dragged Damien out of home when things started to get really bad,” I say as I take the cigarette that Abby’s offering me, trying hard to ignore the memories of the night when I knew I had to do something.
“I couldn’t let him spiral into addiction, you know?
His dad got into drug dealing, and there were too many junkies around. He was just fifteen at the time.”
“But you weren’t much older, were you?” Abby asks, raising an eyebrow at me while I take a puff of the cigarette. I smile and shrug in response as the cool night breeze dissolves the cloud of smoke I just exhaled.
“I’m just two years older than him, but Damien has always been my responsibility.” I can’t help but notice Jacob sneaking into his room, and the knot in my throat tightens.
Fuck. I don’t want them together in there.
“Aww, that’s adorable.” Abby laughs softly. Her long curly hair tickles my shoulder when she tilts her head towards me. “Sounds like you basically had to raise him by yourself.”
“Human parents aren’t very different from vampire makers, don’t you think?” Owen says, before I can even attempt to respond. “They just toss us into the mess without any guidance. At least where we stand, at the very bottom of the pyramid.”
I smile at Owen, thankful to be given a bit of time to make the painful knot in my throat loosen. I can’t wrap my head around what is happening to me, seriously.
Damien has been dating other boys since he was fourteen, and it never bothered me.
Never. Sure, he got in trouble more than once, being who he is.
I had to throw a few punches throughout the years, but that was all.
He changed boyfriends a bit too fast for my liking, though.
Even before he was old enough to become a full-time sugar baby, as he’d say. But this has nothing to do with that.
I don’t really tend to think back a lot, but right now, I’m proud of my decisions. Despite everything, I made the correct call getting us out of Salt Lake County when I did. Just to think of what could have happened to Damien if I hadn’t intervened that night sends chills up my spine.
I remember stepping out of the shower in a rush, my heart beating impossibly fast as Damien screamed. I can still feel it all: the cold tiled floor underneath my wet feet, the towel I wrapped around my waist as fast as I could, and the sound of my footsteps as I rushed towards our bedroom.
My brother was curled into a ball on the corner of his bed, looking completely confused, like he was still half asleep.
There was a young man sitting next to him, one of the junkies that often came to get his fix from my stepfather.
His hand was reaching out to touch Damien’s face, and I slapped it away at the speed of light.
Without giving it a second thought, I grabbed the man by the collar of his hoodie and dragged him towards the front door.
As I kicked him out of the house, yelling all sorts of threats at him, Damien’s dad pulled me back inside.
He gave me the most condescending look as he closed the door and pushed me towards the hallway.
A cigarette rested in his free hand, its smoke clouding my vision.
His deep blue eyes were identical to his son’s, but tired.
They resembled each other, though he was much taller and his curly dark hair was already thinning.
“What do you think you’re doing, scaring my clients away like that?” the motherfucker asked.
“He was getting in your son’s bed!” I yelled, feeling my pulse throbbing violently in my veins.
Damien’s dad took a long drag of his cigarette and shrugged. “Might as well entertain my clients, since he already likes dick. That would help to keep them coming back.”
I couldn’t believe it—still can’t. Before I knew it, my fist had landed on his nose, instantly breaking it. A subtle wave of rage and horror courses through me as I remember that moment. I can almost feel his warm blood on my knuckles.
Damien’s soft hands held on to me for dear life when I made it back to our room.
His panicked touch still lingers on my skin, just like the phantom pain of his nails digging into my back, and his tears crawling down my chest as he buried his face on the crook of my neck.
I’m nauseated by the strong scent of the shampoo that still impregnated my hair in that moment, the same one that stuck up my nose from his soft curls as I kissed the top of his head.
“Tell me about it—” Abby takes the cigarette from my fingers, since I’m still distracted. “My human mother was horrible. I took off as soon as I turned eighteen and never went back. Bye, bitch.”
I’m startled by her words, pulled out of the most vivid memory I have of my home. It takes a bit of time for me to recover from it. I can still hear Damien’s dad yelling at my mother, saying that he was going to kill me for what I’d done.
“Your brother is quite a rebel though, isn’t he?” Owen asks, his perfect smile giving me a much needed distraction. He leans closer to me, and the warmth of his arm against mine makes me bristle.
“He’s an absolute brat.” I laugh softly, because that’s exactly what Damien is. Somehow, the tension eases out of my body as I recall the teenage boy who couldn’t stop getting involved in all kinds of drama.
Is my smile too much? I can’t really help it. When I think about Damien I get this warm, fuzzy feeling. Years ago, I would have said it was affection, and the overprotective need that I always felt towards him. Maybe a bit of pride too. But now . . . I don’t think that’s it anymore.
Maybe it never was.
That thought makes my stomach turn, and another wave of nausea washes through me. No, that’s not possible. I’m just spiraling out of control. This has to stop right now. I’ve always been Damien’s protector, and that’s it.
“Well, he’s very lucky to have someone like you to watch over him.” Owen’s hand lands on my shoulder softly. “I wish I had a Killien to take care of me too.”
Abby laughs and rolls her eyes at Owen’s comment, while he looks at me in a way no man has ever done before. Well—maybe Damien? No, I must be making it up.
I’m losing it.
I smile nervously and feel my cheeks heat up. This kind of attention from a guy is new to me, and it feels strangely comforting. But I still can’t seem to shake off the anxiety I get from knowing what Damien must be doing with Jacob right now.
Something in me is broken. This is all wrong. I can’t have these kinds of feelings for the only family I have left. Damien is my home, my everything. I can’t break what we have with inappropriate thoughts. I’d never forgive myself if I fucked it up.