Epilogue
Damien: A glimpse of the beginning
“Where exactly are we going?” Killien asks, giving me a curious side-eye as he drives his mom’s white Ford Fiesta out of our boring neighborhood.
“You’ll see when we get there.” I grin and wink at him.
I can’t believe I managed to make it all work, and he’s still rather clueless about what we’re doing.
I was lucky that everyone was willing to help.
My dad was the worst, obviously. Getting him to hand me a bit of money for this took some convincing, but I made it happen.
I thought that my stepmother would be a pain in the ass too.
However, she agreed to let us use her car and even said she’d make us sandwiches and other snacks.
Likely because it was cheaper than getting a present for her son.
And they also got rid of us for a day, I guess.
Maybe the biggest satisfaction I’m getting—other than spending Killien’s birthday with him—is that Sophie was pissed the hell off when she found out.
I can imagine her going furious because her boyfriend won’t be waking up on his special day with her.
And that makes my ugly black heart very fucking happy.
It’s clear by now that we don’t like each other, although we both act like we get along.
For Killien, I suppose. I still see the venom in her eyes whenever my brother wants to hang out with me and she’s forced to join in or not see him.
I might never get what I really want from Killien, but I’m still on top of his priority list. I’ll take it.
The rest of the ride to our destination is calm as we sing along and head-bang to our favorite songs while the GPS guides us the entire forty minutes.
We’ve never been to the mountains before, kinda funny considering that we live so close.
By the time we reach the camping grounds, he looks at me with the cutest confused expression ever.
“Is this a campsite?” Killien stretches his neck to look around the winding road surrounded by lush green mountains as he approaches the exit the GPS indicates. “What the hell?”
“Yup.” I grin at him. “We’re spending the night.”
“What?! And where are we sleeping?”
“Don’t worry, Stacey lent me her tent and sleeping bags. Her family likes to go camping.”
He laughs out loud. “Have you ever set up a tent?”
“We’ll figure it out. You’re smart.”
Our eyes meet briefly as he laughs even louder, and my heart skips a beat at the sight of him like this.
I haven’t seen him genuinely happy in a while.
Things have been stressful lately for him too, after my latest mental breakdown.
My heart warms up as I smile back, wishing we could stay like this forever, just the two of us.
Things are easier without our shitty parents, or Sophie, or any of the guys I’ve been sleeping with.
The first hours at the campsite end up being a bit tedious, since we have to set everything up, including the damn tent.
Of course, Killien figures it out eventually.
I just do as he says, since I’m a bit useless.
Honestly, I’m useless when it comes to most things.
By the time we’re done, the sun is almost setting as we sit down to eat a few of the snacks I brought.
The view of the mountains covered in various shades of green trees paired with the sound of the water running through Little Cottonwood Creek, makes it feel like we’re in another dimension. A kind of peace and quiet we’ve never known before, since such things don’t exist at home.
Here, though, it’s just nature and silence, and us sitting around a crackling fire pit. Smoking is not allowed, but there’s no one close by, so I light a cigarette and take a puff before passing it to Killien.
“Damien . . .” he scolds me. Although he takes it anyway.
“Come on.” I chuckle. “There’s nobody here, we’ll just burn the stub in the fire when we’re done.”
“What are rules for, huh? You’ll just do whatever the fuck you want.”
“Well—basically, yeah.” I shrug as I take a closer look at him, bringing the cigarette to his lips and staring up at the sky.
He’s a vision. His pale skin glows under the orange light of the fire, contrasting against the darkening forest behind him.
Soft waves of ginger hair frame his face, long enough to graze the top of his shoulders.
He’s wearing light blue jeans and his favorite T-shirt, the one he bought when we saw A Day To Remember live last October.
I still remember how happy he was, a lot more than he’s been lately.
The freckles on his face are slowly fading away, and I hate that, because I adore every single one of them.
He’s starting to look like a grown ass man. Killien has changed a lot in the past months since he began hitting the gym with Shawn. The T-shirt seems a bit small on him, given how much his muscles have grown. The outline of his biceps and pecs has me almost biting my lower lip.
I must say, he’s never looked better, though. As torturous as it is, I love watching him work out. Like when he does sit-ups in our room and I get to see him all sweaty and shirtless.
The memory of his muscles flexing and glistening with fresh drops of sweat overwhelms me as I take the cig from his hand, doing so a bit more harshly than I intend to. He doesn’t notice, still lost in his thoughts and staring at the sunset beyond the mountains that tower over everything else.
I’m an absolute mess, or at least my mind is. I’m constantly invaded by thoughts I shouldn’t have, getting horny when I’m not supposed to. Killien is dangerous to be around, but there’s no way I’m putting distance between us.
“Why have we never gone camping before?” he whispers, furrowing his eyebrows and staring mindlessly into the many hues of green of the trees beyond the creek.
“Because our parents are shit.” I exhale smoke through my nose before passing the cig back to him. “It’s not even expensive to come here. We could have spent some family time or something. But I don’t think they care . . .”
“They definitely don’t.” He sighs. “Sometimes . . . I wish it was just the two of us, you know?”
My heart rate ramps up, becoming so loud in my ears that I can barely hear him speak. Those words do something to me, something they shouldn’t. I’m melting into the folding camping chair despite my best efforts.
“If things continue like this . . .” He finally turns his head to look at me, a sad and concerned expression on his pretty face. The soft wind blows his ginger hair into his face, covering his eyes for a moment. “I don’t know what we’ll do, Damien. It’s starting to get out of control.”
“You mean because of my dad?”
“Yeah, I don’t like the people he’s bringing into our home.”
He’s right. There seem to be more and more junkies hanging out around us, and it’s not funny.
Sure, there are a couple of guys I find hot, and they certainly seem to like me.
But most of them are already adults, and even I know better than to get involved.
Although, sometimes my dick betrays me and makes me do stupid shit.
I’ve been in plenty of dangerous situations already, many of them still unknown to Killien. He’d kill me if he knew.
“Would you—?” He cuts off his own words, seeming to hesitate as he takes a long drag of the cigarette.
“Would I what?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
My brother looks at me with the most serious expression I’ve seen on him, his brown eyes fixed on mine, as if he can see into my soul. “If I decided to run away, would you join me?”
I snort. “Run away?”
He’s not laughing when he nods. This isn’t a joke; he’s freaking serious.
I never thought about it, not even in my wildest fantasies. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? Why should we stay? Our parents don’t give a shit about us, and there’s nothing else keeping us here. Well—maybe his girlfriend?
“You want to run away . . . with me?” There’s no fighting the silly smile that stretches across my lips.
“Who else would I run away with?”
“I dunno, Sophie?”
He seems to flinch at my words, shaking his head and laughing harder. “No—I’d never go without you.”
There’s an explosion of warmth and tickles inside me that shakes me to my core. I know he doesn’t mean it like I want him to, but it still rattles my entire existence.
“In that case, I’ll go wherever you wanna go,” I say. “It’s us against the world, right?”
Killien smiles back at me, brighter than he has in a long time, and I’m rendered completely useless. This silly crush of mine is starting to scare me. It feels like so much more than just that. Do I even know what love is? Am I too young to understand? Because . . . this must be it.
“We’ll see, then,” he says, leaning closer to ruffle my hair. And I let him do it this time. I couldn’t possibly refuse his touch.
I’m frozen, smiling helplessly while I stare at him reach out for the sandwiches his mom made.
He offers me one, and I take it. We stay in silence for a while, mostly because I can’t bring myself to talk about anything.
Funny, because I never shut up. Killien doesn’t seem to mind though.
He’s probably enjoying the birds chirping and the crackling of the fire more than he would my pointless ramblings.
I’m floating on a cloud for the rest of the night, my heart skipping beats when Killien laughs or touches me.
The silly warmth and the butterflies in my stomach only intensify when we lie in our sleeping bags inside the tent.
I feel so ridiculously comfortable next to him, and at the same time, I’m constantly shifting around, fighting the way my body reacts.
The constant whisper of the creek makes me want to fall asleep. But I have to stay awake until midnight. I want to be the first one to greet him, even if I have to wake him up for it. His eyes are closed, his face resting on my shoulder, although I’m not sure he’s asleep.
I bite the inside of my cheek, resisting the urge to kiss his slightly parted lips.
No one has ever felt as irresistible, no other boy makes me feel this way.
I’ve tried, I really have. I’ve slept with some pretty hot guys, but nothing works.
Nothing feels better than his warmth, the softness of his skin, or the comfort of his smell.
My mind just cycles back to him. I’m always stuck imagining those brown eyes staring back at me.
And I’m terribly addicted to it at this point, after so many years.
Eric was particularly good at reminding me of Killien, the color of his eyes was too similar, and the tone of his voice too.
But I promised I’d stop seeing him, and I have.
Fortunately, my mind has no problem transforming any other guy into Killien when things get heated up.
I look at my phone, trying to move as little as possible. There are a few messages from Ed, who’s still chasing after me like a lost puppy. I’ve been making him beg for my attention more than necessary, but he deserves it for outing me like he did.
I enjoy putting him through hell, somehow.
Maybe as much as I enjoy convincing other guys that I’m only seeing them.
It’s like something bad has woken up within me, something that wants to watch the world burn.
Have I always been like this? Or have I fallen too deeply into the tough character I tried to fit into? Maybe both.
Although, deep down, I’m still the same troubled, weak boy.
My phone indicates that it’s officially May 27th, so I block it and turn to my side, facing my brother.
The sleeping bag makes a lot of noise as it moves against the fabric of the tent, almost muffling the loud chorus of crickets outside.
Killien doesn’t move, though, not even as I let his head fall gently on the pillow.
He must be sleeping, then. The temptation to kiss him, even if it’s just a soft peck on his lips, has me sweating.
But I don’t. I can’t ruin this.
“Killi?”
“Hmm?” He blinks his eyes open slowly, searching for my gaze.
“Happy birthday,” I say, forcing down other words that want to creep out of me with desperation.
Killien chuckles, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me closer. This time, it’s his head resting against my chest. Quite the change. I hope he can’t hear how hard and fast my heart is beating for him. “Thank you, really. This is the best birthday present ever.”
My hands tremble slightly as I reach for his ginger hair, taking the chance to run my fingers through it like I’ve been wanting to do for a while.
He hums softly as I scratch his scalp, the sound so damn sexy that I almost forget how to breathe.
He’s never reacted like that to my touch before, and I wonder if he’s half asleep or something. Still, I can’t pull my hand away.
“You know . . .” he whispers, eyes closed and a half smile on his lips. “I think this is exactly what I needed, Damien. Just silence, and you, and . . . peace.”
Peace. Yeah, sounds nice. My mind is anything but peaceful right now, but I’m just fucked-up in the head.
The funniest thing is that, despite the disturbing and inappropriate thoughts, this moment with my brother is the closest I’ve known to peace.
I wonder if we’ll ever get it for real, honestly.
Maybe, if we ran away from home, we’d get there eventually.
Who knows?