Chapter 8
JESSIA
For the first time since I was taken to that basement, since my power was ripped away from me, I made it through a whole self-defence class.
It took eight failed attempts, and nearly five weeks, but I was healed enough both physically—I could now walk with only a little twinge, not blinding pain—and emotionally.
My mind was still a little battered. Dreamer’s funeral took everything from me emotionally, but we gave him the send off he deserved and even the most hardened bikers shed a tear.
I still woke up too many times during the night, and sometimes the scents that filtered from around the nest doors sent me right back into that hollow, numb fear, but I had this: I’d got through a whole lesson.
I’d endured Thora touching me so we could practice defending and attacking, and I hadn’t thrown up.
I hadn’t gone cold all over, hadn’t frozen in place.
I’d just broken her hold and retaliated the movement.
It wasn’t much, but it was a victory, and I practically bounced out of the room, unable to keep a smile from my face.
Lynn gave me an odd look but I swore her smirk was softer than normal. I had no proof, but I suspected things were going well for her and Cobra lately. She’d been in an uncommonly good mood, recovered after what happened at the Alpha’s Bark.
ChaCha, too, had gone back to her usual snarky, smiling self.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one who woke up assaulted with the scents and sounds and the feeling of that wretched mattress on the basement floor.
It was so real, so detailed and crystal clear that for a few moments I was so sure I was there.
But it felt like I was the only one still struggling.
They’d moved on, rebuilt their lives, and in comparison I felt like a sham.
My smiles had become more real, the pretence easier, but…
it was still a pretence. When would I wake up and know exactly where I was?
When would I walk past the nests and not remember how sex had been a weapon against me?
When would I be able to go to the rec room and not stiffen or flinch at every booming laugh, every brush and touch and hug?
Maybe that was asking too much. Maybe it would take years to be free of the Alpha’s Bark. Or maybe my friends were struggling as badly as me, but better at hiding it.
I tried not to let a dark cloud settle over my achievement as I hugged goodbye to Lynn, who begrudgingly accepted it before going to her therapy session, and ChaCha, who squeezed me so tightly I yelped and had to wriggle free.
“Girls night tonight,” she reminded me, only letting go when I’d started to smile again. “Don’t forget.”
“Me forget? I’m not the one who abandoned us for Sweetie last week.”
“He’s comfy, I fell asleep, sue me.”
“Thank you, I will. I’ll sue you for damages.”
“Damages,” she repeated sceptically, arms crossed over her chest and an eyebrow arched.
I nodded seriously. “Damages to quality girl time. It’s a real thing, you can look it up.”
“Uh-huh. I’m sure I’ll find that in a how-to-legal-shit handbook.”
I snorted, the dark cloud drifting away for the moment. “You as a lawyer would be a terrifying force of nature.”
Her grin grew. “I’d get so many people sent down.”
“Yeah, your own clients.”
“Hey.” She punched my arm. “I’d be a great lawyer and you know it.”
“Not sure you can threaten people into confessing, ChaCha.”
She scoffed. “The fuck you can’t.” My heart sank when her grin faded and she looked at me closer. My guard went up instantly. “Jess. Are you doing okay?”
Now I crossed my arms over my chest. “Didn’t you see me knock Thora onto her back?”
“I did, and it was badass. I’m proud of you. But, you’re not… uh, visiting as many places as you used to.”
“Visiting.” I frowned, wondering if all that purple hair dye had gone to her head (metaphorically.) “When was the last time I travelled anywhere?” Sure, I’d stopped leaving the compound but the farthest I’d gone before that was into town.
“You used to travel a lot,” she said, raising her eyebrows in a silent communication I couldn’t decipher. “I’d always see you travelling.” She gave me a significant look. “Visiting people.”
Comprehension dawned and I laughed at ChaCha’s attempt to be subtle. “Ah. Yeah. I don’t really—want that anymore.”
“Understandable. Have you tried women?”
“ChaCha!” My ears burned. It was exactly like her to recommend trying a different sexuality, but I was definitely straight.
“What? Nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality. If men are a no-no, but you’re still interested in sexy times, there’s an obvious solution. Or if you’re not into women, vibrators are a thing.”
“Thank you,” I said quickly, grabbing her shoulders to steer her down the hall. “Sweetie’s calling you, can’t you hear? You’d better go and see what he wants or he’ll get grumpy.”
“We can continue this conversation tonight,” ChaCha said with a wicked grin. “I’ll bring a gift. Wait, it might be hard to buy on short notice. I’ll order something online and gift you the receipt.”
“God,” I said. “I don’t need a vibrator. I’m fine.”
She threw an arm over my shoulder and hugged me tight.
“All I hear are lies.” I groaned; she ignored it.
“You and Lynn are my best bitches, and I won’t let either of you struggle when I can help.
What happened to us—” Her voice thickened, quietened.
“It only has the power to wreck our lives if we stop fighting. If we give up. And sometimes I see you and think you’re close to giving up. ”
A lump formed in my throat, and I hugged her tight. “Not most days,” I replied, an admission in itself. “Most days I’m okay.” It wasn’t a total lie. There were good moments and bad moments in each day, but some days had more good than bad. “Today’s actually a good day.”
She squeezed me tight, rocking us from side to side. “You’d tell me if things got really bad, right?”
“Of course I would. You’d do the same. Lynn, too.”
“I’m here for you, for whatever you need. Except, and I know this will be a dagger to the heart so prepare yourself.”
I was already smiling. “Right.”
“I have no sexual interest in you at all. I know I told you to sample pussy, but that was a general thing, not a specific invitation to sample mine.”
“Oh no,” I said flatly. “I’m devastated.”
She nodded. Squeezed me tighter before letting go. “I’ll give you time to come to terms with this heartbreak.”
We both glanced down the hall when Sweetie’s voice echoed from deeper in the clubhouse, then shared a smile and a laugh. He was so predictable, and understandably protective.
“I’m coming, you overbearing bastard,” ChaCha yelled, snickering when I winced, massaging my ears. Jesus, she was loud. “We’ll talk later,” she said to me, at a much more bearable volume. “You can tell us all about your newest friend, and why you haven’t taken him for a ride.”
I groaned. “Stop obsessing over sex.”
“Oh, look who’s talking.” Her smirk made me roll my eyes.
“I care about the things you care about, Jess. We’ve been friends long enough for me to see the parts of you left behind in that cesspit.
If you chose to leave them, I’ll support you all the way, but if it’s something those fuckers took from you…
” Like she could feel the tight pain in my chest, she squeezed me into another hug. “Let us help.”
“I can’t… stand to be touched by most people. Only you, Lynn, Thora, and—nevermind.”
“And Blondie,” ChaCha guessed.
“He has a name.”
“And it’s fucking ridiculous, so I refuse to call him it.”
I pulled back enough to raise both eyebrows at my friend. “Says the woman whose man is called Sweetie. Who herself is called ChaCha when she doesn’t even dance.”
“Hey, I dance.” She scowled, though her brown eyes were bright.
“Yeah, badly.”
She punched me lightly, which was fine. In the tit, which was less fine.
“ChaCha!” Sweetie shouted, closer. “What’s taking so damn long?” he demanded, stalking around the corner and scanning her for injuries. We rarely came out of self defence classes with more than aching muscles, but the Alpha’s Bark had cast a shadow on all of us.
“Sorry, big guy, we were discussing what vibrators to buy for National Vibrator Day.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Why am I always surprised by the words that come out of your mouth, even all these months later?”
“Because every day with me is a goddamn delight,” she said with a smile that settled deeper into her face, her eyes softer, brighter.
Love looked good on her. I ignored the pang of jealousy in my chest. It wasn’t for Sweetie, but…
what they had. That easy, teasing love. Effortless and eternal. I’d always craved it.
“Don’t forget,” I said, watching Sweetie’s scowl melt the closer ChaCha got to him. “Girl’s night.”
She shot me a double thumbs up. “I’ll be there.”
I shook my head as they began lovingly bickering, heading in the opposite direction. And for a reason I couldn’t quite put my finger on, I headed into the garden and to the vegetable patch where I knew Devil would be.