Chapter 9
JESSIA
Iwas a liar. I knew exactly why I sought out Devil, but it was a hard thing to admit to myself. After weeks with him at my side, his support offered without price or expectation, we’d become friends. But I wanted more.
He was safety when I was afraid, comfort when I needed reassurance, companionship when I felt alone in the world.
He kept close to my side as Dreamer was laid to rest, and didn’t leave me even when I ugly-sobbed at the graveside.
He kept the numbness at bay. I’d woken up in his bed three times, and nothing had happened except sleep each time, but it took real effort to keep from reaching for him, curling into his warmth, and kissing the strong line of his jaw.
ChaCha was right that those monsters stole something from me, but I recovered bits of myself with every week, rediscovered things I’d loved through lulls in the numbness—humming music to myself as I made breakfast, getting the perfect smoky eye makeup down, shopping for new clothes online.
I still hadn’t purred, and I didn’t think I ever would, but I was better. And I was ready.
“Hi,” I said, smiling when Devil scowled at the big leafy plant he’d been trying to extract. “Picking fights with plants again?”
“Picking fights with vegetables again. This carrot refuses to come out despite multiple warnings.” He glanced up and his gaze softened, the way it always seemed to when he saw me. A flutter went through my belly. “You look in high spirits.”
I shrugged. “I had a good lesson. I didn’t freak out or run once.”
“I bet you kicked ass,” he replied with a grin, dusting the dirt from his hands. “You’ll be able to knock me out soon.”
I didn’t know if it was the victorious feeling from the class or just seeing Devil, feeling the glittery giddiness moving through me, but something made me smirk. “I could knock you out right now.”
“Oh, yeah?” He prowled closer, drawing my attention to the fit of his grey T-shirt. It clung to his chest, to his biceps, and it was impossible not to notice everything underneath. “Prove it. If you think you can knock me on my ass, go for it. I only ask one thing.”
“What?”
“Don’t damage my pretty face.”
I rolled my eyes, sizing him up the way Justice taught us, picturing the moves I was about to make. “No promises.”
“Cruel angel.”
I struck when he moved close enough for me to hook my leg around his, enjoying the flash of surprise in his eyes when I almost took him to the ground. The smile on his face deepened, excitement making his eyes shine like the ocean.
“Cruel, dangerous angel,” he corrected, and I found I liked that. I liked being dangerous.
I went at him again, and he was ready for me this time. He blocked my first two attempts, and my third. I wasn’t as practised at offensive manoeuvres, my real strength came from defence, but he didn’t have to know that was why I stepped back, frowning deeply. Playing up my annoyance.
“Give up yet, Jessia?” he taunted.
In response I crooked a finger at him, and wicked glee filled Devil’s handsome face as he went on the offensive.
His open palm met my shoulder and knocked me off balance, and it took me a moment to find my footing again.
His second move was the attack we’d trained for the most often, and it was an effort to keep the grin off my face as I twisted my weight, drove myself into his body, and sent him toppling to the ground.
We landed in a heap, Devil groaning, me beaming.
“Told you I could do it,” I crowed.
“And all without damaging my pretty face. Why thank you, angel.”
I snorted. Considered getting to my feet but… I was finally where I wanted to be, all of him pressed against all of me. My hair was still in the ponytail I threw it in for the lesson, but a strand tumbled out as I leaned over Devil, tickling my jaw as our eyes locked.
It had been building for weeks. Not a wildfire or explosion, but a sweet heat, something slow burning and long lasting.
It was effortless to lean down and kiss him, to swallow his groan and finally taste him the way I’d craved since he first carried me to his room.
Sweet citrus and something soft and addictive like the butter shortbread Sweetie made for special occasions.
Finally, part of me sighed. I’d waited for this for too long, aching for the feel of his lips brushing mine, his body aligned with mine, his hands on my hips, spreading to cover as much of my skin as possible.
I suddenly resented the clothes I wore, the jeans hiding his erection from me even if I could feel it between us, teasing me with what I’d secretly wanted for weeks.
“Angel,” he groaned, hands wandering up my back, making goosebumps ripple over my skin. “Jessia. Fuck.”
He was breathing raggedly when I put an inch of distance between us, cool air rushing in to cool my heated skin, brushing my warm cheeks.
My heart pounded in my chest, the tightness that usually occupied the space absent.
Instead I felt light, giddy. At least until I registered the look of pain on Devil’s face.
“Fil?” I asked quietly, concern pinching my heart. “What’s wrong?”
He swallowed. Stroked his hands up and down my back, and said, “I can’t tell you, angel. I’d be a selfish bastard if I did.”
My brow furrowed. Selfish for telling me what? “I don’t understand.”
His throat worked over another swallow, and his eyes fell shut, creases around them. A shadow cast over my joy and I sat up, my thighs straddling his.
“Is it something to do with—that basement?” I asked, trying to shut out the memories, to refuse them entry into this soft moment.
“No. God, no,” he said. “It’s nothing like that. It’s about me. Us.”
Us? But what would he need to keep secret? And why? It made no sense. “Just tell me.”
“I can’t,” he bit out.”
“Fil,” I complained. “Devil. Whatever it is, I can handle it.” I’d got through a whole self defence class, and sometimes I could go a whole two hours without thinking of that rank mattress, the dingy basement, and the vile alphas and betas who hurt us.
His jaw clenched, he stroked his hands down my back one last time, skimming them over my waist where I’d hidden the knife Lynn gifted me.
A smile feathered across his face at the feel of the cold handle and the leather sheath it laid in, at me being armed.
It faded after a moment, and I could almost feel the tight knot of dread and love and fear that matched that expression on his face.
No, I—I could feel it. And my only emotions right now were determination and a sprinkling of worry. Maybe irritation that he thought I couldn’t handle this truth. The rest… not mine.
I climbed off him quickly, my hands shaking as I processed it, as I explored the tangle of feelings in my chest. Not mine. His.
And I knew, without him saying a single word, what he couldn’t tell me. No, what he wouldn’t. What he’d known and kept secret all this time.
“How long?” I asked in a voice like darkness and omens. A voice like Lynn’s.
“Jessia?” He got carefully to his feet, keeping his distance as every emotion in me was replaced with anger. He knew, and kept this from me.
“How long have you known we’re mates?”
His expression went blank with shock, then those ocean blue eyes filled with apology.
“Answer the question, Fillipus,” I bit out, shaking for a whole new reason. I had a mate, and he was kind and funny and everything I would want in a man, but he was a liar. Secret keeper. Bastard. “How long did you know?”
He scraped a hand over his jaw. “I realised a few weeks before you were taken. That night in the bar, when we sat with Guardian and Dreamer. You went with Dreamer, do you remember?”
I nodded, clenching my jaw as I remembered how sweet Dreamer had been that night, how gentle even though it didn’t come naturally to him.
“It hurt,” Devil said roughly. “Too fucking much to be ordinary jealousy. It was like a hot poker had been shoved through my chest, so I—I figured it out.”
“And kept it from me.”
“No, I was—”
I whipped the dagger from under my shirt and thrust it at him. “You kept it from me!”
“I’m so fucking sorry.” The look on his face could only be called miserable but I kept my heart hard with effort.
“I thought you needed other people, Jessia. Not me, or not only me, and I—I couldn’t stand the thought of depriving you of what you need.
And you do need it. You even told me as much after the Alpha’s Bark, it took your power from you and—”
I laughed, and the sound that emerged was dark, mirthless. “I know what I need, Devil. I certainly don’t need you to tell me, or worse, to decide what I do or don’t need. I need the truth, always. But you kept it from me. You kept this bond from me, and I’ll never forgive you for that.”
Weeks, I could have been with him. Truly, wholly with him. Not just a relationship but a mate. My eyes burned as I returned my knife to its sheath, hurt beginning to burn alongside my anger but much colder.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” Devil said, watching me but keeping his distance. I could still feel the warmth of him against me. “That was the whole reason I kept it secret—so I didn’t hurt you. So you didn’t think you had to be with me, and push away everyone else that you needed—”
“Did it ever occur to you that I might want a mate?” I demanded, the hurt growing in my chest, pressing against my bones. “That I might want you? That you might… you might give me everything I needed?” I saw in his expression that he hadn’t.
He ran a hand through his hair, gripping tight at the roots. “What can I do to earn your forgiveness?”
I shook my head, pressure gathering behind my eyes. I was going to cry and I didn’t want to do it here. In front of my mate. My mate. I couldn’t believe I had a mate, and he’d lied to me. This bond was a gift, a treasure, and he’d treated it like a dirty secret.
“Just leave me alone, Devil,” I said and left him there in the garden.