Chapter 39 Blanket Forts and Confidantes
BLANKET FORTS AND CONFIDANTES
CASSIDY
I'm not surprised to wake up the next morning and find Issa once again positioned at the end of the bed waiting for me to wake.
I glance over to the corner of the room to find Jessica perched in the same chair she had been in previously. This time thumbing through a different gossip rag, her legs resting on the arm of the chair, her feet swinging back and forth lazily.
They both glance at me and though I'm sure they know that I'm awake, they remain silent, waiting for me to speak first. I take my time, allowing my eyes adjust to the light, waiting to see if the dull ache in my chest increases or abates.
When it does neither I accept that this is my new baseline, at least for now, so I roll over onto my side, curling my body around so that Issa is in my line of sight as I whisper, "I take it he called Declan? "
Issa nods but says nothing so I add, "Ren is with him now?"
Again, Issa nods then says, "Apparently they had business."
"Did he tell you what happened?"
She shakes her head. "No. It's not his story to tell."
I swallow the sudden lump in my throat, torn between being relieved that he didn't share the information and being disappointed that he left it up to me.
"Jessica?" I say and then wait for her to look at me before continuing, "What can you tell me about Lilith?"
Jessica's eyebrows immediately lift, her eyes widening slightly. "What about her?"
"It's a long story," I respond, still not certain if I want to explain it and even if I do, how do I go about it. “It was a ve—” I begin to go on but then the words get caught in my throat and I stop, suddenly feeling short of breath.
Issa and Jessica look at each other for a few long moments and then Issa nods as if they had had some kind of silent conversation. She stands, turns to me. "Are there extra blankets and stuff in this closet?" She asks, pointing toward the door at the end of the bed and I nod.
Issa walks over and opens the door, starts pulling blankets out and tossing them on the bed.
Jessica gets out of the chair, dragging it slightly away from the wall and turning it around.
She goes to the chair on the other side, dragging it over and placing it a few feet from the other, also positioned to face the wall.
Both women disappear out the bedroom door only to quickly return, each of them carrying another chair which they place in alignment with the others.
I continue to watch silently, completely baffled by whatever they think they're doing.
Issa picks up an arm full of blankets, motioning to the one at the end of the bed. "Put that one down on the floor."
Jessica immediately grabs for it, following Issa’s instructions, and then she's beside me, reaching over me and grabbing a bunch of the pillows that were strewn across the side of the bed.
They work together unfolding blankets and hanging them up over the chairs, creating a tent over the blanket and pillows on the floor.
Finally, I ask, "What are you two doing? "
Jessica turns a beaming smile on me as she replies, "What does it look like we're doing, silly?"
“Obviously,” Issa adds, "We're making a fort."
I grimace, uncertain what I should be saying to what appears to be a completely ridiculous project at this point in time. They go back to ignoring me, securing everything in place and then disappearing beneath it.
There's some rustling and some muttering before a soft glow of a light shines from the narrow space that's not covered by a blanket. Issa sticks her head out, beckons me closer. "Aren't you coming?"
She doesn't wait for me to respond, just disappears back inside and I lie there for a moment, torn, wanting to join them and also being afraid to join them. Finally, I ask loudly, "But why?"
Then Jessica pops her head out as she replies, "What better way to hear a ghost story than in a fort?"
She's staring at me wide-eyed, the distinct eagerness quietly shadowed by questions unasked and unanswered.
I roll off the bed, crawl the short distance to the edge of the fort.
Easing my way through the opening of the blankets, I’m pleasantly surprised by the cozy interior.
Issa pats the floor beside her and I scoot over, mirroring her crisscross position.
Jessica and Issa work together to put a blanket around my shoulders, pulling the edge of it over the top of my head like a cloak.
I pull it across my front, securing it, and then watch with a sheepish smile as Issa and Jessica do the same.
We all squirm around until we're comfortable and then Jessica looks at me and says, "I can't even imagine what has happened to have you bring up Lilith. "
“As I said, it's a long story," I begin, but then Jessica rests her hand on my arm beneath the blanket and says, "You're always welcome to share anything you feel, but know that you don't have to.
All of the story, or part of the story, or none of the story.
I'll still tell you whatever you want to know. "
The lump in my throat is back, so I nod, and she goes on, "Lilith is the most kindhearted, genuine, giving, meanest, bloodthirsty, cold-hearted hellcat I've ever met."
I blink at her and laugh rather nervously as I say, "Well, that's an interesting description."
Issa laughs and responds, "Well, that's because Lilith is a very interesting creature."
We fall silent, each of us momentarily lost in our own thoughts. But then, after a while I finally whisper, "She saved me once."
Jessica smiles and responds, "That doesn't surprise me. Pretty sure she has saved us all at least once."
I blink at her as I ask, "Really?"
"Lilith has this great reputation of being the big destroyer, but what people don't realize is for every person she's destroyed, she’s saved countless others."
I find it comforting how they don't question my statement, they don't pressure me for more information.
"I always knew, deep down. And not just from the decades of therapy and talking the unknown scenarios right to death.
For as far back as I can remember, I had intermittent, faint memories, little bits and pieces that never fit together.
But I chose not to delve too deep for fear of what the truth would hold. "
Jessica's laugh comes out almost bitter she says, "A lot of people feel the truth will set you free, but in most cases, the truth is better off fucking right off."
"I agree with that," I respond. "Like it's fine for me to get the gist of what went on, but I will never need the details."
“Yes,” Issa states quietly. "That's where the devil lives."
I nod, suddenly completely overwhelmed with emotion.
I choke on a sob, immediately working on breathing through the stabbing pain in my gut.
A tissue appears in front of me and I take it gratefully, dabbing at my suddenly watery eyes.
Issa and Jessica watch me quietly, neither judging nor demanding, just silently supporting me.
After a few long moments, I take a deep breath, expel it slowly then manage to say, "So the abbreviated story is that my mother and her mother somehow engineered my conception. They forced my existence onto the world with the intention of using me as a pawn. And then they hid me in a dark corner while they went on with their lives, continuing to manipulate and blackmail until finally, one day, my father, with the assistance of Lilith, saved me.”
It amazes me how speaking the words out loud, even without any of the details, lifts some of the weight from my shoulders.
And the gazes of these two women, open and honest, lacking judgment, only increases this feeling.
I sniffle a few more times, blow my nose.
"So that's where Ren and Declan have gone.
My grandmother, may she burn in hell, is long dead.
But now my mother is out there labeled as rehabilitated and allowed to go out into society as she sees fit. "
"So, they're going to find her?" Jessica asks softly.
I nod, "I know not everyone would want to face their abuser, but after some consideration I've decided that I need to."
"To what end?" Jessica asks.
I look at her, noting the curiosity in her expression and so I shrug. "I don't know if there's forgiveness involved or how it will unfold, but maybe at the end of the day it'll just be mercy."
The phone between me and Jessica chimes and she reaches for it, the light that had been shining upward suddenly illuminating the floor in front of me. Jessica looks at me and asks, "Do you want Lilith there?"
"I don't mind," I reply honestly. "But she doesn't have to."
Jessica laughs and turns the phone around to show me the screen as she says, "Well, she's only about an hour out, so…”
Issa laughs on my other side and says, “That sounds like Lilith."
The phone on the other side of Issa chimes. She retrieves it, that light now focused in the middle, leaving me with this surreal feeling of being shrouded in darkness.
And then Issa says, “Declan says they have a good lead. Wants to know where you want them to bring her once they secure her.”
“Is here okay?” I ask, but then Jessica makes a face, so I add, “She’s already been here, so not like I need to hide.”
“I mean, that’s fine, I guess.”
“But…” I ask, knowing there must be a but.
“Never bring a possible crime scene to your home.”
“Crime scene, wha—” I cut off my own sentence as I realize what she’s insinuating.
“I won’t kill my own mother,” I state, genuinely appalled they would think that of me. “Why would you think that?”
“Well, I don’t, really. And it’s not like you’d have to do it,” Jessica explains almost absent mindedly, not at all put off by my obvious distaste. “But no one would blame you if you did.”
I frown, having no idea how this conversation went so dark so fast. But then I remember what that woman did to me. What she enabled while I was small and defenseless and my anger rises.
Issa’s hand on my arm pulls me from my thoughts. “Don’t worry, Cass. There are countless options on how to handle her, not just the permanent options. It’ll be whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“I have no idea how it will go or how I’ll feel after.”
Issa nods. “I’m still not sure how I feel about many things that have happened in my life.
Do I get some satisfaction from knowing they can’t hurt anyone else ever again?
Sure. Do I sometimes suffer from guilt knowing the truth behind what happened to them?
Yes. Does my misplaced guilt absolve them of their guilt? Not even for a second.”
“I could never—” I stop speaking, unable to even finish the sentence, and Issa sighs and says, “Yeah, me neither.”
I glance at Jessica, waiting for her to agree with us but she says nothing. She also doesn’t look like any kind of guilt is eating her up so maybe her silence means she feels the same.
Jessica glances at me, catches me staring. She raises her brows at me and says, “I never thought I could either, but then I was put into a situation where it was me or him, and I chose him.”
I frown, truly appalled by what I’m hearing. “It’s really true, isn’t it?”
“What’s that?” Issa asks.
“Everyone has their own monster story.”
“Most people, yes,” Jessica states. “Everyone just carries it differently.”
“What do you think I should do?”
Jessica levels me with a serious look then replies, “It doesn’t matter what I think. Only you can make that decision.”
“First,” Issa interjects. “You should hear her out. And since Lilith will be there, you should hear her out as well.”
Jessica nods then adds, “And let’s not forget the biggest elephant in the room,” she pauses looking between us before continuing, “Lilith let her live.”
“Is this unusual?”
Issa makes a face but says nothing, and Jessica acts like she’s thinking it over before finally responding, “For child abusers, yes.”
I’m saved from having to respond by Issa’s phone going off again. She turns it over then points the screen at me, showing an address. “Guess that means it’s showtime.”
“What if I don’t wanna leave the fort yet,” I whine, truly not sure if I want to learn anything more about this stranger who gave birth to me. Maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe I’m better off not knowing.
“We’ll stay in this fort all day if you want,” Issa answers.
I smile even though I know this isn’t a real option. Ren and Declan have gone to significant effort to locate her, which means then making them wait would be inconsiderate and rude. Not that I believe either of them would care or give me a hard time about it.
I also realize that the longer I put it off, the more difficult it’ll become to face it. So, I sigh dramatically, shake the makeshift blanket cloak off my head and onto the floor. “Alright, I’m ready. Where we going?”
Issa taps the address, squints at her screen. “Why is this address the damn airport?”
My stomach drops, and I have an urge to wrap myself back in my blanket cloak and hunker down in my blanket fort forever.
Issa and Jessica are both watching me, so I focus on my breathing, relieved when my heart rates slows, and I respond, my voice steady, “What better place for it to end, than at the beginning.”
They don’t ask me to explain any further, each scurrying out from under the blanket. I follow suit, crawling out that narrowing opening and dragging myself to my feet. Jessica moves to pull the blanket off the chair and I put a hand on her arm, stopping her. “Leave it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I respond with a short laugh. “I may need it later.”
She smiles and wraps an arm around my shoulders as we walk toward the door. Issa walks out ahead of us, and I pause, allowing Jessica to go ahead of me.
Glancing back at the fort of blankets, I smile.
Relieved that I’m not alone anymore.