Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Isabelle
Today will not be like yesterday.
I am determined to be okay…
I repeat that mantra in my mind over and over again as I walk down the wide corridor of Freya’s Hall. I’m here for the Theta fundraiser luncheon.
My great-aunt Liza believed that if you tell yourself something enough times, you’d make it come true. Sure, Aunt Liza also believed she could fly and that she was the incarnate of a Viking princess, but she was always happy.
She lived to be a hundred and five and was married to the same man for over sixty years. She also had enough children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren to start a small country. So she must have done something right.
Today I’m taking a page from her book so I can put Kade out of my mind.
I’ve been walking on thin ice since yesterday’s disaster. I can’t believe Kade and I went so far. And Ms. Minchin…
My God. I’m still so embarrassed.
She heard me. She heard us. And she knew exactly what was going on even without seeing that my clothes were on inside out and my bra was on the fucking floor.
To say that I’ve lost my mind doesn’t quite sum it up. But the worst thing is realizing that the problem about yesterday was me. Not Kade.
I knew what to expect from him. I was even prepared for it, yet I played the fool and severed all avenues to walking away. So I can’t completely blame him.
Kade didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want.
I kissed him back.
I took my clothes off for him.
I agreed to more.
I’ll even admit that I would have gone all the way if Ms. Minchin hadn't stopped us. I also wouldn’t have cared where we were because I wanted to be with him.
I would have given myself to him right there. But he wouldn’t have cared about what I was giving him.
Sure, he didn’t know I was a virgin until I told him in my roundabout way—after he insinuated that I was some kind of whore. But I imagined him seeing it as one more thing to screw with me. That’s why I turned him down.
He let me go when he realized what I was telling him. I haven’t seen him since.
Some guys don’t like virgins. I once heard someone say that they’re too clingy, and most guys don’t want the responsibility of being someone’s first.
I’ve been praying that Kade could be one of those guys but part of me knows I just shocked him. He’ll be back at some point, then I’ll feel more conflicted than ever because yesterday left me mind-fucked.
I’m glad Tiffany put me on goodie bag duty. It means I have fewer chances of having another run-in with Kade, if he attends.
All I have to do is walk around handing out the goodie bags to anyone wearing a silver bracelet. Those are the people who sponsored the event and donated a substantial amount to the charity.
I approach the Medieval-design archway; the beauty momentarily soothing my mind.
Freya’s Hall is one of the buildings that looks like where the elves lived in The Lord of the Rings . This building is the most popular because of the intricate old world interior design and the view of the river in the background.
I find the break room and get myself dressed in the uniform Tiffany left me, then head to the grand hall where I’m greeted by soft jazz music and the symphony of excited people.
It’s nice to see that the hall is already packed even though the event just started. This event isn’t as formal as the one weeks ago, so everyone has shown up in more of a smart casual style. There also aren’t as many officials here.
I’m supposed to find Eilish and Annika.
Annika and I are working together tonight, and Eilish is supervising us. Poor Mackenzie is stuck with Tiffany.
I haven’t spoken to Annika or Eilish since last week so it will be comforting to spend some time with them. Hanging around Eilish may also fend off any unwanted contact and conversation between Kade and me.
I spot them standing by the tables at the end of the hall holding the tower of mini chocolate tarts.
My spirits lift at the sight of them, so I shove my worries away and quicken my step. I can go back to figuring things out when I’m done here. Right now I don’t want to think about Kade.
Annika was away with Thorne for the weekend. She’s smiling from ear to ear and her face is animated with happiness. She always looks like that when Thorne does something special for her.
When she sees me approaching she squeals and flies toward me, then she hugs me as if we haven’t seen each other in centuries.
“Hey, there.” I giggle, feeling comforted by the hug.
“Isabelle, look, look.” She pulls away, holds out her left hand, and shows me the gorgeous engagement ring on her finger.
My mouth falls open and I suck in an excited breath. “Oh my God.”
“I know. Thorne and I are officially engaged.”
As if we’re not in a room full of people, the two of us scream and hug again.
“I’m so happy for you.” I hold her close, feeling genuinely excited for her. And Thorne, too.
“Thank you so much.”
Thorne and Annika make such a good couple. I’ve never met two people more suited to be together than them.
We pull apart once more and Annika holds up her hand to the light, allowing the beautiful diamond in the center of her ring to sparkle like a star on a clear night.
“I’m guessing the weekend trip was a clever ruse to propose.” I smile at her.
“It certainly was. He took me back to Massachusetts and proposed to me at the Emily Dickinson Museum.”
That’s one of her favorite places on earth. “Oh, wow. This is the best news ever.”
“It is. My parents knew about it and met us there for dinner. I can’t believe I was totally taken by surprise. It was beautiful, Isabelle.”
“You deserve it. I’m glad it was beautiful. When’s the wedding?”
“End of next year. Thorne insists we get married in the heart of winter.”
We both laugh.
“Is that what you want?”
She nods vigorously. “Absolutely. Everything sounds perfect to me. What would make it even more perfect is if you agreed to be my maid of honor.”
My eyes snap wide. “Me?” I point to myself and she laughs.
“Yes, you. You were my first friend here. Of course, I have friends in L.A. but there is no one like you, Isabelle. I know it’s a long way off and you’ll be at Cambridge, probably with new friends, but I’d love for you to think about it.”
I take both her hands and beam back at her. “I will be there. And I would be so honored to be your maid of honor. Thank you so much for asking me.”
“Of course.”
“This is so exciting.”
“Come. Eilish and I were talking about flowers and food. I’ve already decided that The Bakery will do my cake.”
“Excellent choice. You already know that cake will be unforgettable.”
“Exactly.”
We head over to Eilish and I get sucked into the wedding planning excitement. It’s a good distraction I wish could last forever.
An hour later, when we’re sure all our guests have arrived, we split up and start handing out the goodie bags. I’m the first to finish, so I head back to Eilish.
She’s at the table by the bar going through some paperwork.
Her face brightens when she sees me. “Wow, are you all done already?”
“I am.” I raise my empty palms.
“Good work. You can hang out here with me then.”
“Cool.”
She tosses the ends of her lilac ponytail over her shoulder and smiles at me. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay.” I’m getting tired of being in that woe-is-me state. It’s better to lie until I get my head straight.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“How are things going with Kade?”
“I’m getting by. This week, I’m doing most of my tasks during the day, so I won’t have to see him.” I figured out my schedule last night and worked my way around not seeing him.
“That’s good. Right?” She sounds like she’s checking and I know it’s because, like everyone else, she knows how obsessed I used to be over Kade.
“Yes, definitely. The less contact we have, the better.”
“As long as you’re doing what’s best for you.”
“I am. In other news, I came up with an awesome idea for my new sculpture.”
“Yayy.” She places an arm around me. “I knew you would do it. Show me the designs at our next meeting.”
“Sure. By then I’ll have a real project plan. I’m getting everything ready to meet with the new lord chancellor.”
“I know you’ll impress the hell out of him.”
“I really hope so. I’m worried about meeting him.”
“Don’t worry. I don’t know who he is, but I hear he’s a really good guy and an art specialist.”
“That’s encouraging.”
“Yes, and I have a good feeling that things will be better for you soon.”
“Thank you.” That’s encouraging, too. “What about you? Have you heard from Lucian? I bet he misses you.”
She grins and her cheeks turn rosy. “We Skype each other every day. The time difference is a pain but we make it work. Like a long-distance relationship. Not that we’re in anything of the sort. He’s my best friend.”
“Of course.” I carry on the pretense that I’m none the wiser. Judging from how she looks, I’m certain they’re definitely in a long-distance relationship. “Before you know it a year will have passed and he’ll be home.”
“I can’t wait. It’s hard to believe Lucian and I will be in senior year. It feels like only yesterday that we started here.”
“Time flies.”
“Too fast. Make sure you enjoy it, Isabelle.”
“I’ll try.”
“How about you start tonight?” Excitement lights up her eyes as she makes a point of glancing over my shoulder in a suggestive way.
I follow her gaze and find Michael standing a few paces away from us. He’s looking right at me.
Michael is the good, trusty guy. The guy I felt would have respected me if we’d been given a chance.
He’s here now and looks like he wants to speak to me. He’s the only one of the guys Kade scared away who's made an attempt to see me again.
I look back at Eilish and she nods at me to go.
“I’ll speak to you later,” I tell her.
“I look forward to hearing about this.” She giggles.
“Sure.”
I give her one last smile then walk over to Michael, trying to keep my nerves on a leash.
“I was hoping you’d be here.” He speaks first, giving me one of his confident grins.
“Theta duty. It’s kind of mandatory when it comes to Tiffany.”
“Right. Well, I hope I didn’t interrupt you and Eilish.”
“No. It’s cool.”
“I didn’t want to miss the chance to speak to you and feel like a bigger asshole for canceling our date. Sorry I haven’t rescheduled yet.”
Wow. It’s so weird talking to a guy who’s normal and… nice.
“It’s okay.” I nod.
“Something came up and I’ve been really busy.”
I know it’s a lie but I’ll let him off. I don’t expect him to tell me that Kade threatened him. I suppose there’s also some element of truth to his excuse. The basketball players are just as busy as the football players at this time of year.
“That’s understandable.”
“You look great.” He gives me an approving smile and takes in my little blue Lolita dress.
This one is much simpler than some of my others, but you can still see the distinct style.
"Thanks, so do you."
"In this old thing?” he chuckles, tugging on his jacket.
I laugh and it feels freeing. Some of the tension even leaves me. “It still looks good.”
“So, I was thinking we—” His gaze flicks up and the smile leaves his face. Then his expression morphs into something crude and cold that I can’t quite describe.
I turn, look up at the balcony behind us, and instantly understand the reason for Michael’s strange reaction.
Kade is standing right there, looking like the dark prince summoned from hell. He’s staring Michael down with a crude ominous look that says I’ll kill you if you say another word .
God… he’s here.
Seeing him sends my mind into overdrive and my nerves buzz like I’ve been struck by lightning.
And that murderous look on his face…
I don’t need to be told that it’s there because Michael is talking to me.
That look takes possessive to the darkest level, and it frightens me.
“Someone doesn’t like me talking to you,” Michael says in a still, low voice, cutting into my thoughts.
I look back at him and try to regain my composure. “You shouldn’t let that bother you.”
“I won’t. But maybe we’ll try this again when the mood is a little better.” Michael attempts a grin but I can see that Kade’s presence has thrown him off.
It makes me wonder what Kade must have used on Michael to get him to act this way.
“You know where to find me.” If I don’t try to break this cycle and hold on to my prospects, I’ll get stuck in this craziness with Kade.
“I do. Maybe we can have coffee until I can rearrange that dinner.”
“I’d like that.”
The fact that Michael is still trying, despite Kade’s presence, means he must really like me. And a coffee date might be something we can get away with.
“See you.”
“See you, too.”
He dips his head and walks away. I look at Kade again. His gaze is still fixed on Michael. He doesn’t look at me until Michael walks through the door.
His expression hardly changes when his eyes meet mine, but he breaks our stare after a few seconds and moves back into the shadows.
It’s then I realize that my breath is stuck in my throat and my heart is galloping.
What am I going to do?
Every day gets crazier and crazier.
“Hey, are you alright?” It’s Annika.
She comes up behind me and she’s smiling as vibrantly as she was earlier. I dare not sullen her mood.
“I’m good. Just tired.”
“I know the feeling. Come on, let's grab a drink.”
I go with her and I enjoy hanging out until it’s time to pack up and leave.
I’m one of the last to finish because I had to help Tiffany with the paperwork.
Wanting to avoid the crowd, I take the back entrance, but I end up in a trap again when I find Kade waiting for me outside.
He’s leaning against a tree smoking a cigarette. It’s just starting to get dark so the haze of smoke that wafts from his lips looks like a cloud of mist.
The moment we notice each other, my steps slow, but I will myself to keep going.
“You like him?” That cold, malevolent voice stops me.
I face him. Kade pushes off the tree and walks closer to me.
“Who?” I play dumb. I know who he means.
“Michael.”
“What’s not to like?” I try to sound nonchalant but fail.
“Everything.”
He walks closer but I take a cautious step back, getting myself ready to put up my guard if he tries anything.
Kade smiles. “Don’t worry, Lolita. You’re safe from me today.” His gaze travels over my body slowly and purposefully, then his eyes linger on my breasts and my skin heats like someone set a fire next to me.
“He’s not your type.” He finally speaks again.
“How do you know what my type is?”
“It’s not him. He’s too nice. You’d be bored.”
I shake my head at him. “Nice does not equal boring. Nice is safe. Nice is?—”
“As dull as watching paint dry and as predictable as knowing that one plus one will always equal two. You like that I make you crazy. And that I make you forget everything .” He steps close again, closing the gap between us, then he lingers at my ear. “You like how I make you feel. You like that you can be bad with me.”
A shudder races over my skin and I wonder if he’s right.
Is that what my problem is? All of the above?
But I never knew how deranged he could be until we started playing this outrageous game. At the same time, he opened the door to something indescribable that part of me craves.
“You don’t really know me or what I like.” My voice trembles with the weight of my thoughts.
“You liked me first. You’ve liked me for much longer than Michael .”
“That was before I knew you were an asshole.”
He tsks and shakes his head. “You always knew I was an asshole, Lolita.”
I can’t argue. He’s right. I knew that from day one. The first day I met Kade, he walked into English class wearing a leather biker jacket, a cigarette tucked behind his ear and a don’t-fuck-with-me attitude.
He’d ridden into Raventhorn Academy on a Harley, parked in one of the teacher’s spaces, and even got into two fights before the school day was over. Of course he got away with it because he is a Gurkovsky.
Kade was bad, bad news, yet I was still drawn to him.
But that was before he set out to ruin me. There’s a difference. Maybe I saw something good in him and thought he could be saved.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, but it does.”
“Whatever. I’m leaving now.” It’s best I don’t get sucked into this type of conversation with him.
I step around him but he catches my arm.
“Nothing has changed. You’re still mine.” He holds my gaze with a piercing stare.
“I’m not yours.” I try to sound confident but all I get is another menacing grin from him.
“We’ll see about that.” Kade smiles like a conqueror then releases me.
I walk away as quickly as I can, making another grand escape.
Lately it seems like that’s all I do when I’m around him— escape . This is just the first time I’ve felt like I’m losing myself.
I look back. He’s watching me like always, but there’s a promise in his stare for next time.
Whenever that will be.
Light snow falls from the wispy morning sky.
I pull my blazer close to my chest and fall in step with the other students making their way to the conference hall to meet the new lord chancellor.
This is supposed to be the highlight of my week. Although I’m not seeing the new chancellor for a one-on-one meeting yet, it will be good to finally know who he is.
Have a name. See a face. And maybe try to predict if he’ll like me or not.
Chancellor Potalov will be hosting this assembly with Aleksander Ivanov.
I’ve been hearing good things about the new guy, but I’m still anxious.
I guess I would be. I have more reasons than everyone else to feel that way. I’m the only student here on probation and the only one whose future rests on his decision.
At least, if nothing else, I’m confident he’ll like my project idea. Last night, when I got back from the fundraiser, I put the heavy dose of emotion I felt from seeing Kade into my work and finished all my plans.
Afterwards I decided that what I needed was a reset of my life. God knows how many times I’ve had to press that button, but here I go again.
I’ve realized I can’t worry about Kade anymore. I have to worry about myself.
When you fall you have to keep getting up, hoping that the next time you rise, you’ll be stronger. So here’s hoping for more strength to stick to my plans.
We proceed into the hall, and I sit at the end of my row.
As all my friends aren’t here yet, I end up sitting next to some other Thetas who I don’t really speak to. Some are horrible followers of Tiffany, others are just girls I haven’t bonded with yet.
Fifteen minutes later I spot my friends walking in. They wave me over, but there aren’t enough seats in their row. I mouth the word bakery to them, suggesting we meet there after the meeting. Mackenzie giggles and nods.
Someone takes the seat on the end of the row opposite me. The chill in my stomach tells me who it is before I even look across.
It’s Kade.
Our eyes lock and his gaze holds that eerie promise from last night that nothing has changed and I still belong to him.
I look away first and keep my eyes on the stage until Chancellor Potalov walks onto it.
“Welcome, everyone,” he says through the mic, then he begins with his usual talk of inspiration.
I’ve never left one of his meetings and not felt uplifted in some way.
I was already going to miss him but today is especially hard because he’s saying goodbye to us.
Many of the students, teachers and leaders in this hall were taught by him. He’s been at Raventhorn long enough to have taught close to three generations. That’s one hell of a legacy.
“I will miss you all so much.” His voice carries the sentiment in his words. He places his hand over his heart and nods, seeming caught up in his emotions.
The students clap and cheer for him like they're at a football game. Usually at meetings like these we don’t respond that way unless we’re led to. That round of applause was ignited by the deepest appreciation.
“Thank you, everyone. I truly mean that. And now it gives me great pleasure to hand you over to the new Lord Chancellor of Raventhorn University, Parker Federov.”
All the blood in my body freezes and my thoughts crash into each other like a pileup on the highway.
No.
That can’t be right.
Parker Federov?
Surely I heard wrong.
Because that can’t be right. He can’t be the guy I’ve heard such good things about.
There’s no way the new lord chancellor would be the same Parker Federov from my past.
The same Parker Federov who I believe had my mother killed.
When Parker makes his way onto the stage and I see him for myself live in the flesh, my mind fractures and the splinters ricochet down my body.
Oh my God.
It’s really him…
Walking in line with the painting behind him of angels and demons battling with each other, he looks like he just stepped out of the section depicting hell in the sky.
This man has been the cause of my misery for so many years, and here he is.
I feel sick, like I’m going to throw up and never stop. Or like I might just fade away into the ether and cease to exist.
Parker and Chancellor Potalov shake hands, then he stands before us, tall and proud with his longish blond hair and wide shoulders that fill out his black suit.
He doesn’t look that much older than when I last saw him, but then not many adults change significantly over three years. He must be about fifty now. The same age as my father.
He looks like a leader and I feel like I’m having that weird experience again, where I’ve walked through the wrong door and am in an alternate fucked-up reality.
How did things just get worse than they already were?
How?