Chapter 25
“ A nd you think this guy can help?” Megan lifts her eyebrows while flashing my own phone at me. “I think you’ve lost your marbles.”
I reach across the small bistro table and grab the device from her.
“Of course I have!” I hiss and glance over at Max and Sergei, who sit three tables over. They’re far enough away they probably can’t overhear us, but I don’t want to take any chances.
“Mira.” Megan grabs my hand. “Nico is the one who dragged you into all of this. Just because it all went sideways after that doesn’t mean it was your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself.”
“You don’t understand. I could have helped him, Mira.” I whisper, ducking my head. “Nico’s dead because of me.”
“What? How?”
My mouth dries as a thin layer of cold sweat breaks out over my forehead. I pull my hand away from Megan’s grasp, undeserving of the comfort it brings.
I take a shaky breath. Swallow.
“Mira? What is it? You look like you’re going to puke.” Her brow furrows together in concern.
“Nico wasn’t dead when I left him.” I take a long, steadying breath. “He was still alive when I left.”
“Are you sure?” She leans back a little, like she’s not sure how to process what I’ve said. “You said everything was in chaos. Maybe you’re just worried he was still alive?”
“No. I know he was alive.” I force myself to look at her. “I was scared. Marco was waving his gun at me, demanding the money or the drugs, demanding to know who Nico sold the drugs to. I was so afraid.”
Megan grabs for my hand again, squeezing it hard. “Mira, a dangerous criminal shot him and was threatening to shoot you. If you left him behind, that’s not?—”
“He begged me to help him!” I snap my mouth shut after blurting out the full truth.
My chest aches as the guilt crashes down on me with the memory of him lying on that concrete floor. A thin trail of blood was trickling from his mouth, his arm stretched out at me, desperation filling his eyes as a single word fell softly from his lips.
Please.
I deserve every sleepless night I’ve had since. And worse.
“I was a coward, and I left him. I left him lying in his own blood to die alone.” I look down at my hands on the table.
“No,” she says with finality. “If you had done anything else, Marco could have killed you too.”
“I let him die, Megan.” Just giving life to the words brings up more guilt, but at the same time it lifts some of the pressure from my chest.
“You did what you had to do to save yourself.” Megan leans across the table. “Nico never should have taken you to that damn warehouse to meet Marco. He only did it to use you as some sort of shield. I’m positive of it.”
I swallow. “And that warrants me leaving him to die alone? What if I’d been able to get him help? What if he would have survived if I’d stayed? I’m just as responsible for his death as Marco is.”
Silence falls like a heavy curtain between us. She chews on her bottom lip angrily.
“You said he was shot in the chest.”
“Yeah. The chest and the stomach.” I nod, remembering the awful sound he made when he hit the floor. And all the wretched sounds that followed as he grasped onto his fleeting life. My stomach turns.
Megan softens her voice, “Mira, he wouldn’t survive that. Marco never would have let you get him to a hospital in time.”
Tears fill my eyes.
“You couldn’t have saved him,” she says more firmly. Her voice raises enough to attract Sergei’s interest. He lifts his gaze to us.
“You don’t understand, Megan. I could have.” I wipe away a tear as it falls. “After Marco told me Nico’s debt was mine to pay, he left. He just walked away.”
“He let you go?”
I nod slowly. “Yeah. A few of his men were still there, off in the back somewhere but I was alone with Nico. I could have––” I clear my throat as a sob tries to escape. “I ran out of the warehouse. I had my phone in my hand, and I’d already typed in 911, I just needed to hit the call button.”
“Mira.” She whispers my name, and it’s filled with so much pain, so much empathy, it hurts.
“But I didn’t. If I called the police, Marco would have known it was me.
He’d come after me. Forget the money—he’d want my head.
” I rake my hand through my hair and a small laugh escapes.
“Which now seems stupid, because Marco got to that conclusion anyway. Look at all the mess I’ve caused.
All the trouble I brought into your life. Into Alexander’s. Into Rurik’s.”
“Did you tell any of this to Rurik?”
“No. Of course not.” I shake my head and go back to picking at the chips on my plate. “He wouldn’t be able to trust me. Why would he? I left my last boyfriend to die in cold blood on the floor of a warehouse.”
“Rurik wouldn’t think of it like that. If he’s anything like Alexander, and so far, I’ve seen some similarities, he’d take out an entire army to keep you safe.
He’d be glad you saved yourself. He would never want you to sacrifice your safety for him.
But if you do this––” she taps my phone with two fingers.
“If you meet that detective behind his back, he might see it as a betrayal.”
I turn my eyes from her.
“You’re not afraid he’ll blame you for Nico and leave you. You’re afraid he won’t,” she says softly. “You’re in love with him. And it scares the hell out of you.”
“Megan.” Tears well. “I can’t trust myself. And he shouldn’t either.”
“You’re not your parents, Mira. This isn’t some fling. This isn’t like the other times.”
“Loyalty means something to Rurik. When he finds out what I did, he’ll question if I can be loyal. It’s not a matter of whether or not I love him. How can he trust someone like me?”
“You saved yourself. You had to make a decision. He won’t blame you. I don’t blame you.” She grabs hold of my hand and squeezes hard. “You made the right call, Mira.”
Her declaration hangs between us.
“He deserves better.” Our plates rattle when I drop my head onto the table.
“He’d be an idiot to think so.” Megan says to the top of my head.
“Is everything all right?” Through the glass tabletop, our waitress’s feet appear beneath me.
“Yes.” Megan chuckles. “She’s just realized she actually loves the man she’s marrying.”
“Oh…uh, okay? ”
“I can’t marry him.” I mutter. “I never agreed to marry him.”
“Would some wine help?”
“Yes. Please. White.” Megan sends her away. “Mira, it’s going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not.” I mutter into the tabletop. “I’m doing it again. It’s like I never learn.”
“Mira. Rurik isn’t anything like the other guys. For one, he has a job.”
“Yeah, as a killer for the mafia.” I really hope the people at the next table aren’t eavesdropping on us.
“He owns his own home.”
“That he paid for with the money he made working for the mafia.”
“At least he doesn’t live in his mom’s basement.” She sounds almost hopeful as she makes this point. Poor girl.
“Yeah.” I raise my head just enough to peek up at her. “Because when he was fifteen a different mafia family killed her and the rest of his family.”
She grimaces as though she just stepped in a pile of dog shit.
I rest my cheek on the table and sigh. “I get what you’re getting at, but shouldn’t I want to be with someone more…I don’t dunno, like Ted?”
“Who is Ted?”
“Ted is a finance guy who works in middle management and wears off the rack suits he bought while shopping at the mall on a Sunday afternoon. He doesn’t take me to warehouses to meet with drug dealers or kidnap me from my apartment.”
Now she looks like she wants to pull her hair out. Or mine.
“Mira. Is Ted a real guy?”
“No.” I moan. “I mean he might be. I’m sure there’s someone out there like that.”
“You would hate shopping at the mall on a Sunday with a Ted.”
I sigh. “Yeah, you’re right. But still, isn’t that what’s wrong with me? Shouldn’t that be what I want? Why do I go for these guys who are way too much for me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you! And besides, Ted’s not real, and Rurik is. And Rurik loves you. You have him now.”
I roll back to pressing my forehead against the tabletop.
“Even if I marry him, he’ll just get bored of me and divorce me in six months.”
“He won’t. Divorce isn’t really a word these guys acknowledge.”
I glance up again. “You are not helping.”
She laughs. “Sorry. Look, we’re like magnets for trouble, so it’s good we have guys like Alexander and Rurik on our side. I mean, I don’t think Ted could take on the Italian mafia to keep us safe, do you?”
“I’m a magnet for trouble. You just keep getting caught up in my drama. That’s why your husband hates me. It’s why Rurik should hate me.”
“He doesn’t hate you! I’d kill him if he did. ”
“You would not. You love him.” I lift my head up and rest it on my arms.
She gets that lovey dovey smile on her face again. “Yeah, I do. But we’re a package deal, you and me, and he knows that.”
“He also knows that if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t be at war with the Italian mob, because they wouldn’t have tried to hurt you because of me.”
“It was more complicated than that, and he doesn’t blame you. No one blames you.”
“He will when he finds out what I did.” She has good points, and I can already hear Rurik parroting most of them, but the heaviness of my decision still weighs on me.
“It’s messy, I know, but it will get better. But first you have to forget this idea of meeting Detective Calloway. He’s only going to make things worse.”
She gives me her mom eyes when I don’t answer right away. “I mean it, Mira. Even if he does somehow manage to arrest Marco and put him behind bars, it won’t change anything.”
“Alexander wouldn’t have to go after him anymore, and Rurik wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. I can finish what started because of me.”
Then I could slip off into the night, and Rurik could forget all about me.
“Marco heads the DeAngelo family. Getting rid of him won’t matter; someone else will just take his place. A brother, a cousin, anyone strong enough to overpower the others. There is no getting rid of this until the DeAngelos and the Volkovs decide it’s the end of it.”