Chapter Five – Nathan
Chapter Five
NATHAN
It was the middle of November, and after yesterday’s storm, everyone was reminded of what was right around the corner.
Winter.
After the morning meeting with Blayze, Hunter, Josh, Beck, and Brock, it was decided that we needed to start our winter checklist. That meant ensuring we had plenty of hay, the winter pastures were ready to go, and none of the fences required repair. Our water troughs were functioning, and the generators were fired up and tested.
I loved the ranch in the winter. It was a much slower pace and less hectic. Once winter set in, however, there was still work to do. The cows still needed to be fed, water needed to be broken up if frozen, and the usual daily chores that came with ranch life still needed to be completed. Anyone who worked on a ranch would say they enjoyed winter because it allowed them to rest before the calving season. The fact that it hadn’t even snowed yet was a bit disheartening. We needed the snowpack in the mountains. The massive amount of rain we got was good, but we needed snow.
“You coming with us hunting this weekend?” Josh asked as he shut the barn doors that housed our winter hay. It would need to have some more hay brought in, which Josh and I would take care of this week.
“Who is us?” I asked.
“Me, Blayze, Hunter, Maverick, and Beck.”
“Elk?” I asked.
“I think Beck, Hunter, and Blayze are going for deer. Maverick and I are going for elk.”
“Um, I’ll let you know.”
We started back toward the main barn in one of the ranch trucks. I could feel Josh turning and looking at me every so often.
“Want to talk about it?”
I looked at him. “Talk about what?”
“Haven being at your house two nights ago and you not acting like yourself since.”
I laughed gruffly. “What do you mean not acting like myself?”
“Dude, half the time you are so lost in thought you don’t hear anything anyone says. Hunter asked you three times this morning if you could check the winter pastures and you never even looked at him. You were staring off at something on the floor.”
I rubbed at the back of my neck. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was tuning you guys out.”
“Did something happen between you and Haven?”
“What?” I asked, snapping my head to look at my cousin. “No. Nothing happened. Besides breaking down into tears and crying so hard, she cried herself to sleep.”
Josh stopped the truck, put it in Park, and then turned his body to look at me. “What in the hell did you do?”
“Me?” I asked. “I didn’t do anything. She just broke down. I think she’s stressed about money. Her car needs four new tires—well, three now—and she mentioned all her savings was going into this new dog park.”
“Sophia said all the numbers for everything are starting to come in. They have some donors, me included, but they still have to put up some serious cash.”
“Do they need more donors?” I asked.
“I don’t think they know of anyone else to ask.”
I nodded and stared out the front window. “Could I donate? Anonymously, like I don’t want anything in return.”
Josh raised his brows. “You want to donate to Haven’s dog park? And you want to do it anonymously? Why?”
“She went off the rails when I suggested I could pay for her tires. I thought for a second she was going to punch me in the nuts. It was pretty clear to me Haven doesn’t like to take help from anyone. Plus, things with her and me are…complicated.”
“Or, maybe she thought you were offering her a handout.”
I huffed. “A handout? I was trying to be nice and offer to help her. Unlike that douchebag she is dating. He wouldn’t even come and pick her up. He did, however, show up the next morning and declared he had been tracking her.”
That caused Josh to shoot his brows up once more. “Are you kidding me? How is he tracking her? I’m surprised Haven would allow that. I think they’ve only been out on a few dates, according to Sophia.”
“Something about she shared her location with him, probably when she was stranded on the side of the road, and she never turned it off or something. She didn’t seem very pleased. The guy is a dick, and he interrupted us right when I was about to…”
“About to what?” Josh asked.
Inwardly cursing at myself, I looked out the passenger window. “Nothing.”
“Oh, no. You don’t get to say something like that then let it go. What were you about to do?”
I sighed, dropped my head against the seat’s headrest, and said, “Tell her something has changed between us. I felt it, and a part of me wanted to explore that, but it was probably for the best that he came when he did.”
When Josh didn’t say anything, I lifted my head and looked at him. He was staring at me, his mouth gaped open.
“You were going to tell Haven you’re attracted to her.”
I let out a bitter-sounding laugh. “I think I’m beyond attracted. When she was crying in my arms, and I could hardly understand a fucking thing she was saying, the only thing I could think about was hurting someone. Or taking away her worry or making her smile again. I was gutted listening to her cry in my arms. When she finally fell asleep and I carried her to the guest room, it took everything I had not to climb into that bed and hold her while she slept. I didn’t, of course, but I was up all fucking night thinking about how much I wanted to be with her. I stupidly thought that maybe if I told her, I don’t know, we might try it. Dating.”
“Holy shit. As in, exclusively date her?”
I shrugged. “I was just caught up in the moment. The last thing Haven needs is a guy like me in her life.”
“A guy like you? What does that mean?”
Looking at him like he had lost his mind, I said, “I’m not exactly known for being with one woman. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. Trust me, she’s been hurt enough for a lifetime.”
“How do you know that?”
I looked away from Josh. “I can’t tell you.”
“You can’t or won’t?”
“Can’t. It’s not my story to tell, and I made Haven a promise. A long time ago.”
Josh ran his hand through his hair. “So you’re afraid of hurting Haven, so that’s why you avoid her because you do have feelings for her and you think you’ll hurt her.”
I nodded.
“But then something shifted, and you were willing to give it a try, but Ted showed up and stopped you from telling her how you were feeling?”
“You got it. He kissed her on the cheek, and they were going back to her place and…”
“And?”
Looking at my cousin like he’d lost his damn mind, I said, “She’s dating him, Josh. I can’t tell her that suddenly I’ve developed these feelings for her and expect her to tell Ted the douche to leave. Besides, I’m not even sure I should tell her.”
“Have they been sudden, the feelings for Haven?”
I stared at my cousin for what felt like forever before answering him. “No. That night in my parents’ barn, all those years ago, it took every ounce of energy I had to stop what we were doing. I wanted nothing more than to be with Haven in every way possible, but I can’t.”
Josh’s brows shot up. “Why the hell not?”
“I told you, she’s been hurt before.”
“I heard that, but, Nate, why do you think you’ll hurt her?”
With a shrug, I replied, “I’ve spent so many years flirting with women and having meaningless sex. I’m unsure I would know how to be in a serious relationship. What if I tell Haven how I feel, we date, and things don’t go well? You and I both know she’s liked me for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to be another man in her life who hurts her. I won’t be another man who hurts her. Just seeing her cry last night, and it had nothing to do with me, about destroyed me.”
“Wow. Did I just hear right? You’re scared of dating Haven?”
Rolling my eyes, I sighed. “Don’t tease me right now, Josh.”
He held up his hands as if in defeat. “I’m not teasing you, Nate. I think this is big. It takes a lot to admit you have feelings for Haven, but to say you’re scared of hurting her takes guts. It’s about time, though.”
“I don’t know. Knowing I was about to tell her and seeing that guy show up made me realize that I almost set myself up for failure. What if I had told her, and she said she didn’t feel the same way?”
He smiled softly. “And what if she said she did?”
With a shake of my head, I said, “It’s complicated, Josh.”
“Then explain it to me, Nate.”
I sighed. “That night in the barn, when things were getting heavy, I was ready to go all the way until I remembered what happened to her. And I couldn’t do that to her, and I didn’t know how to tell her that. To tell her that if we did this, I wasn’t sure I would be able to commit myself to her. Hell, I was only eighteen, and what if I slept with her and that just scratched an itch for me, but meant more to her? I didn’t want to see that hurt in her eyes. So I freaked and told her it was a mistake. That what we were doing had been a mistake. You didn’t see the look of hurt on her face. She looked like she hated me in that moment, and I have a feeling she thinks I stopped for another reason altogether.”
“Why didn’t you just tell her the truth?”
“I tried, but she left without giving me a chance to explain.”
“She doesn’t hate you now, Nate. You don’t see the way she looks at you.”
Frowning, I asked, “What do you mean?”
“When Haven doesn’t think anyone is watching her, she stares at you like she is longing for something. I’m going to guess that something is you.”
“She stayed with me the other night and never once made it seem like she wanted anything from me.”
“Did you make any moves on her? You even said she fell asleep in your arms, and you put her in the guest bedroom.”
“I wasn’t about to put her in my room! I would never presume she would want to sleep in my bed.”
Josh grinned. “And that would make Granddad pretty damn proud of you. You did what any gentleman would do, but look at it from Haven’s point of view. If she is still attracted to you, she might have seen that as another example of how you’re not interested in her. You also go out of your way to crack jokes and poke fun at her.”
“Because it was easier to have her dislike me than to look at me with those sad eyes of hers.”
Josh shook his head. “You might as well pay me that thousand dollars we bet. You should see yourself right now. You’ve got it bad, Nate.”
I sighed and said, “Fuck you, Josh.”
He laughed, took the truck out of Park, and headed toward the main barn as I stared out the window and wondered what in the hell I should do now. I had finally been ready to admit my feelings for Haven, and now I wasn’t sure what I should do.
A week had passed since Haven had stayed the night at my house. In that time I had done nothing but dream of her when I was asleep, and thought of her when I was awake. Every time I thought about her crying, I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. A small part of me wondered if some of her pain was still from what her father did to her, and that made me feel sick. I had almost asked her if she ever went to a therapist for what happened to her. Someone to talk to about it. It couldn’t be good to hold that all up inside of you. Countless nights I closed my eyes and pictured her as a scared little girl whose father hurt her.
“Fucking asshole,” I said as I pulled into Hank’s garage and parked my truck. I had tossed and turned all night, thinking of what I could do to help ease some of Haven’s stress. It was why I was now standing at the door.
“Are you going to just stand there or come in, Nate?” Hank asked, causing me to turn and see him at the open bay of one of the garages.
“Hey, Hank,” I replied, reaching out to shake his hand.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked, a smirk appearing at the corners of his mouth.
“Why do I get the feeling you know why I’m here?”
He laughed. “It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see how you reacted when I offered to give Haven a ride home, or how you look at her.”
“It’s not what you think, we’re just friends. Besides, she is dating someone.”
He shrugged. “If you say so. I’m guessing you’re trying to figure out how to get her new tires without her knowing it was you.”
I pointed to him. “Yes. She’s stubborn and nearly flew off the handle when I even suggested buying one tire.”
Hank laughed. “I was there, I remember.”
Looking around his garage, I asked, “Any suggestions?”
“Short of stealing her car and bringing it here, I have nothing.”
I rubbed at the back of my neck. “Shit.”
“Listen, I’ve known Haven and her family for a long time. They’ve always struggled financially, and after that low-life daddy of hers left, her momma has worked as hard as she can to provide. I know firsthand that neither she, nor her daughter, will take a handout.”
“It’s not a handout. She can pay me back if she wants.”
“You tell her that?”
I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. “No. I haven’t talked to her since she left my house that day.”
A text came through on Hank’s phone, and he chuckled. “Today might be your lucky day, Nate Shaw. Haven is on her way to drop off her car.”
“Why?”
“Another flat. She wants me to see if I can plug it.”
“Where in the hell is this girl driving where she is getting so many flat tires?”
Hank let out a humorless chuckle. “They’re so bald I’m not surprised. I can’t plug another one, Nate. The tires need to be replaced.”
“Do you have them in stock?”
He nodded. “Made sure after that day I had them. I had a feeling I’d be getting a visit from you.”
Turning to look at him, he just laughed. Wisdom definitely came with age, I guess.
“Can I pay for them now before she gets here?”
He motioned for me to follow him to his office. After paying for them, I quickly headed out.
“Nate, what do I tell her when she magically has three more new tires?”
I thought for a moment. “Tell her someone was paying it forward, and she was the lucky recipient.”
He narrowed an eye at me. “And if she asks me who that person was?”
With a smile, it was my turn to shrug as I said, “Tell her it was Santa Claus.”
As I walked out of the office area of Hank’s garage, I heard him laugh. Maybe even a ‘ho ho ho’ came out of his mouth. I climbed up into my truck and pulled out. I let out a sigh of relief that I hadn’t run into Haven on my way out.
The next stop was my lawyer’s office. I needed to find out how to donate anonymously to the new dog park coming to town. If I couldn’t have Haven the way I wanted, I would make damn sure she wasn’t stressed about money.