Chapter Eight – Nathan
Chapter Eight
NATHAN
Once I returned to the table, I glanced over to where Haven and her friends sat. I had wanted to talk to her after she had sung that song, tell her how I was feeling, but that asshole Ted showed up, and the last thing I wanted to see was him hanging all over her. So I went back to the table and got suckered into dancing with one of my friend’s cousins who was in town. I couldn’t wait to get off the dance floor; her hands had been all over me.
Frowning, I searched but couldn’t see Haven. Or Ted. They were gone.
“Shit,” I said as I quickly made my way over to the table.
“Where is Haven?” I asked as I looked at Rosie, one of Haven’s best friends. “I need to talk to her.”
Rosie looked up at me and then to Candice, another of Haven’s friends. “I do believe she went back to her apartment, right, Candice?”
Candice nodded. “With Ted.”
Josephine Carter looked between Rosie and Candice and seemed confused, but only momentarily. She laughed and said, “Oh, yes. She did leave with Ted. Didn’t she say she was nervous because it was going to be their first time?”
Candice choked on her beer as Rosie pressed her mouth together into a tight line.
“Was I not supposed to say anything?” Josephine asked, looking like she had broken some girl code.
“What?” I asked, bouncing my gaze over the three of them. “First time for what?”
Rosie raised her brows. “Nate Shaw, if you have to ask that question, I wonder if your reputation precedes you.”
I narrowed my eyes and asked, “Sex?”
“Don’t say it like you don’t know what it is.” Candice laughed.
Without giving them another second of my time, I turned and made my way to the exit. As I walked away, Rosie said, “Better hurry if you intend to stop them!”
Once I got out of The Blue Moose, I made a dash to my truck, got in, and proceeded to break nearly every traffic law I could to get to Haven’s apartment. I pulled into a visitor’s parking lot and jogged up the steps to her apartment. The only reason I even knew were Haven lived was because I had overheard my mother and her mother talking about it when Haven moved in.
My breathing was fast and hard as I lifted my hand and pounded. It only took a few moments, and the door opened. Haven stood there, a confused look on her face.
“Nate? What are you doing here?”
I looked past her and didn’t see the dick anywhere. Turning my attention back to Haven, almost breathless, I said, “Don’t do this. I mean, at least not until we can talk.”
Her brows pinched together. “What are you talking about? Don’t do what?”
“Can I come in, Haven? I mean, after you tell him to leave. Please.”
She looked unsure for a moment.
“I know he’s here with you.”
Her expression went from unsure to downright confused. “Who?”
“Ted.”
After staring at me for a few moments, she shook her head. “Ted isn’t here.”
“You left the bar with him.”
With a long sigh, Haven stepped back and motioned for me to come in.
“Take a look for yourself. There isn’t anyone here but me. I left the bar alone. The bouncer even walked me to my car.”
I walked into the apartment and quickly took it in. The walls were all painted white, and there were no pictures hanging on them. A sofa and a loveseat had fall and Thanksgiving pillows on them. Across from the couch was a blue cabinet with pictures of Haven’s mother and one of Haven standing on an overlook with the Bitterroot River behind her and a pack of dogs around her. Above the cabinet was a TV mounted to the walls.
Haven had plants scattered throughout the open living concept. Her kitchen was on the small side, with a small table and four chairs in a bumped-out nook. Everywhere I looked, there were things for dogs…and cats.
“Your place is cute.”
She glanced around before shrugging. “It’s small but enough for me.”
I nodded as I moved into the living room and saw what had to be the door to her bedroom. It was open and I couldn’t see anyone in there from where I stood.
“Why did you think Ted was here?” Haven asked, moving into the kitchen and opening the refrigerator. She grabbed two bottles of water. Walking toward me, she handed me one. “I don’t have any beer.”
Thanking her, I took the bottle. “Thanks, and I don’t want any beer.”
Haven moved to the loveseat and sat. “So I’ll ask again…why did you think Ted was here?”
Following her lead, I sat down on the sofa. “The girls told me you left with him.”
Her brows shot up. “The girls?”
“Rosie, Candice, Josephine.”
A look passed over her face, but it was gone before I could read it. “Is that so?”
“You know, I didn’t get to tell you how great you sounded tonight.”
She leaned back and took a drink of the water before she said, “Shocked you remembered. You looked a bit busy dancing.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t want to interrupt you and Ted, so I went back to the table; one of the guy’s cousins was in town, and they asked me to dance with her. She was a bit too touchy-feely for me.”
Haven stared at me and went to say something, then quickly shut her mouth.
“Anyway, I saw you were gone and asked them where you went. They said you and Ted came back here. Did you change your mind?”
Now she looked even more confused. “About what?”
“Ummm, well, about, ummm…sleeping with him.”
Haven leaned forward, put her water on the coffee table, then turned to face me. “What are you talking about, Nate?”
“They said you were…well…you were going to sleep with Ted for the first time.”
A look of horror crossed her beautiful face. “They told you that?”
I nodded. “Josephine did. Yes.”
She leaned forward. “Why would they tell you that?”
Shrugging, I replied, “They’re your friends.”
Haven stood and started to pace. She finally stopped and faced me. “I’m sorry, Nate. They lied to you. I’m not even dating Ted any longer. Not that I was officially dating him to begin with. He’s a…a…”
“Douche?”
Attempting not to smile, she turned away and cleared her throat. “Something like that.”
“At least we agree on something. So, what made you pick that song to sing?” I asked suddenly.
“I didn’t. Rosie did.”
I nodded, not entirely believing her. “You have a beautiful voice, Haven. I remember hearing it when you were in the choir.”
She once again had a look of surprise on her face. “How? When did you ever hear me sing in the choir?”
“The Christmas programs you guys did each year while we were in high school.”
Haven slowly sat down on the loveseat once again. “You came to those?”
I gave a one-shoulder shrug. “I did.”
Her head slowly shook. “Why?”
Feeling suddenly like a beaming hot light was shining on me, I tried to quickly figure out what to say. In the end, I went with the truth.
“I wanted to see you sing.”
Haven swallowed hard as she stared at me with utter shock.
“You came to see me? I thought you couldn’t stand me in high school because of what happened with my father.”
I felt a look of horror come over my face. Was that what she thought? My stomach churned and for a moment I thought I might be sick. I dropped my gaze to the blue and white rug she had in the living room and took in a few deep breaths. The floors were all wood, and from what I could tell, they continued throughout the apartment. When I finally lifted my gaze, Haven was watching me. Waiting for my answer.
“That’s not true, Haven. What happened to you with your father wasn’t your fault at all.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “You sure have treated me like you couldn’t stand me, Nate. Like he somehow tainted me all those years ago. Especially after the barn incident…”
“Haven… It was the opposite.”
“The opposite? What do you mean?”
Pushing my hand through my hair, I sighed. “I couldn’t be near you, Haven, and it wasn’t anything to do with your dad. Well, not in the way you think.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, looking at me with eyes that were filled with so many different emotions.
I could feel my heartbeat picking up, and I knew I was about to fuck this all up.
“I just can’t explain it.”
Her arms folded over her chest. “Try, Nate.”
Turning away from her, it was my turn to pace the small area of her apartment.
When I stopped and faced her, I exhaled. “Fuck, I don’t know how to say what I need to say to make you understand.”
Her head tilted slightly to the side. “Let’s start with something easy. Why did you stop that night in the barn if you weren’t repulsed by the thought of my father abusing me sexually?”
“Jesus, Haven, I have never once thought that. Never.”
“Why did you say what we were doing was a mistake when you screwed some girl from out of town at a wall party?”
“What?”
“Don’t play stupid with me, Nate. You’d rather fuck some stranger than even touch me.”
I flinched at her words. “Is that what you honestly think?”
Her arms dropped to her sides. “Yes. You’ve never tried to hide the fact that you sleep around, Nate.”
“Did you ever, for once, Haven, think that maybe I was all talk?”
She took a step back and then laughed. “All talk?”
I rubbed at the back of my neck. “Yes, I’ve slept with women. I won’t say I’m innocent. I’ve let plenty of women do…other things to me, but the amount of women I’ve had sex with isn’t all that you think.”
She rolled her eyes. “Other things? As in?”
“Does it matter? None of them meant a damn thing to me.”
“You didn’t sleep with Callie that night at the wall party?”
“I don’t know a Callie, Haven. And what the hell is a wall party?”
“It was the night Michael Mathews was coming onto me, and I guess we argued because you said I was drunk, and Josh drove me home. Josephine said you took Callie back to your truck, and she said you two had sex.”
“You’re talking about something that happened in high school?”
“Yes!” she cried out. “Why could you take a stranger to your truck to have sex, but you couldn’t with me? What is so wrong with me that you can’t even stand to be near me?”
My resolve broke, and I marched over to her. I gently put my hands on her upper arms.
“I didn’t sleep with her, Haven. Nothing happened. I wanted something to happen because I wanted to forget about seeing that asshole put his hands on you. But I couldn’t because it wasn’t you. She. Wasn’t. You.”
She took a step back, her eyes widened in shock. “What do you mean?”
“Do you know how many fucking times I’ve closed my eyes when I’ve been with a woman and dreamed it was you I was with? Every single time a woman has ever touched me, it’s always been you.”
She sucked in a breath of air as I moved closer to her.
“The number of times I’ve taken myself in my hands and come to your name falling off my lips? Too many times to even count. And it was always you.”
Haven slowly shook her head as she took a few steps back, causing me to let her go. I moved forward, my heart pounding so loudly in my ears I could hardly think.
“It’s always been you, Haven. And this feeling I feel.” My hand slammed against my chest. “It just grows, and something happens when I see you. That night in the barn, touching you and kissing you made me feel something I had never felt before, and it scared the living shit out of me. You scare me, Haven. The only reason I stopped was because I didn’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you, ever. That day, seeing what your father did to you—what he was about to do to you—it broke me, and I know it broke you. I am terrified to hurt you because you deserve someone so much better than me, Haven. You deserve the world, and I never want to see you hurt again.”
Her mouth opened and then quickly closed.
I started to pace again. “This feeling I get when I’m near you…it fucking scares me because it grows stronger every time, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold off. I want you so much, but you have no idea how worried I am that I’ll fuck it up and hurt you. You are the last person in this world I would ever want to hurt. I’ll burn it all down before I—or anyone else, for that matter—has a chance to hurt you again.”
“I scare you?” she softly asked.
Turning to face her, my breath caught in my throat as I looked at those big grayish-blue eyes so wide they nearly made my knees buckle.
“Yes. I’m terrified, Haven.”
She slowly turned away from me and sat down on the loveseat. “Is that what you were going to tell me that morning at your house?”
I nodded. “Yes, but Ted the douche showed up.”
Haven clasped her hands together and momentarily looked down at her lap before looking back up at me. She stood and walked around the sofa to stand inches away from me. I balled my fists together to keep from reaching out and pulling her to me. What I had with her was magnetic, instinctual. I had no control over it.
“So all these years, you pushed me away because you were worried you would hurt me? I get feeling this way about someone is scary and confusing; trust me, I’ve sat in my room plenty of nights and cried over you. Wondering why I was so drawn to you. Why you seemed to hate me.”
My eyes closed. “God, no, Haven. I was trying to push you away after that night in the barn. I would have made love to you then, but you had been hurt so badly, and I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing or not.”
“You didn’t stop because of what he did to me?”
“No! Haven, I swear to you that wasn’t the reason at all.”
I sighed and dropped my head back. I wasn’t sure if I was making things worse or not. “This isn’t what I wanted.”
She let out a humorless laugh. “My God, Nate. What in the hell do you want? I’m confused.”
“I want you, Haven!” I shouted. “It’s all I’ve ever fucking wanted. You.”
Her hand came to her mouth as she blinked rapidly at me.
“You’re the most amazing woman I have ever met, Haven. You’re kind, selfless, and you love your dogs with all your heart, as well as strangers, but mostly the dogs. You are perfect in my eyes, sweetheart.”
Haven slowly shook her head as she lightly chuckled at the accuracy of the dog statement.
“I was trying to stay away because…because I love you, Haven. I gave you my heart long ago. You’ve had it this entire time and never knew it.”
“Wh…what did you say?”
Meeting her eyes with mine, I asked, “Which part?”
She closed her eyes and gave her head a quick shake before focusing back on me. “You love me?”
Smiling, I nodded. “I think I’ve been in love with you since I first saw you.”
Her hand came up to her mouth as she stared at me for a few moments before it fell to her side. “Nathan Shaw, I would like to just punch you right now.”
My head jerked back. “What?”
“How do you not see what an amazing man you are? Any woman would call herself lucky to be loved by you. And I know in my heart of hearts that you won’t hurt me.”
“I have before.”
“I now know that you weren’t doing it on purpose. And I’m sorry I always made cracks about the amount of women you slept with.”
I shook my head. “Every woman I’ve ever been with has been interested in me for one of two reasons. My looks, or my money. None of them ever meant a thing to me, Haven. I need you to know that.”
Haven made her way over to me. She placed her hand on my chest, and I felt my heart jump in response. “That’s not true, Nate. Not every woman sees that in you.”
My eyes searched her face. “What do you see, Haven?”
When her gaze met mine, something in the air crackled between us.
“I see a man who loves his family and would do anything for them. I see a man who is involved in this community. I see a man who pretends nothing bothers him, but I can see the hurt behind his eyes. I see a man who played Santa Claus and bought me new tires for my car—and sent a check to my company to help me follow a dream of mine—and he did it all without anyone knowing he did it.”
“How did you know that check was from me?”
Smiling, I rubbed my thumb over his shirt and stared straight at his chest. “It wasn’t hard to figure out. The tires and the check all happened the same day.”
Confused, I shook my head. “The check wasn’t supposed to be mailed out until a few days later.”
“Well,” Haven said with a soft laugh. “You better have a word with your attorneys because it came the same day. It didn’t take me long to figure out it was from you. Once I found out that the law firm the check came from was your family’s firm that you use, the puzzle pieces fell into place.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“Why did you do that, Nate?”
My hand went to the side of her face, and she gently leaned into my touch. “I want to see you happy, Haven. I want to see your dreams come true, and I want to be a part of all of it—and I don’t want to do it anonymously for one more second.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “What are you saying?”
Cupping her face within my hands, I leaned down and whispered against her lips, “I’m tired of denying my feelings for you, Haven. I want to take you to your bed and explore every fucking inch of your body with my eyes, my hands, my tongue. I want to make love to you until I don’t have the energy to move. I want to make you mine.”