13. Sam
13
Sam
R eluctantly, I pulled out of Zeke’s arms. I’d been clinging to him far longer than was appropriate, and I didn’t want to scare him off. “It’s not a big deal, honestly.”
Zeke’s nostrils flared and he folded his arms over his wide chest. His wide, shirtless chest. If I’d thought it was delicious in the photo, it had nothing on the reality. “How about I be the judge of that?”
I huffed, twining my own arms around myself. Now that my brain was getting quieter, other thoughts were becoming far louder. Thoughts such as I really wish I wasn’t wearing threadbare pyjamas the first time I met Zeke. “I woke up in bed once to find some random bloke next to me.”
His eyes narrowed. It was so strange being able to see his reactions, as opposed to just hearing them. “Some bloke. Like a one-night stand?”
“Hardly,” I said. “I don’t have those with randoms. No, he was a student who’d got so drunk he’d confused my house for his. The lock on the back door was a bit iffy back then; that’s how he got in. I’ve had them all replaced since then.”
Zeke’s brows shot up. “And he just, what, got into bed with you thinking it was his? Did he not realise you were there?”
“Nope. I didn’t wake then either. Some of my medication makes me sleep like the dead, and I’d taken a dose that evening. It wasn’t until the next morning that I realised he was there.”
Zeke dropped his arms and stepped closer to me. His chest was expanding, his whole body seeming to hum with energy. “Did he hurt you?”
“Only my eardrums.” I shook my head with a wry smile. “He was just as freaked out as I was. Took us a hot minute to figure out neither of us intended to murder the other. It’s kind of funny when you think about it.”
Zeke raised his hand like he was going to touch my face, before pulling back at the last second. He didn’t seem to see the funny side. “I’m sorry that happened to you, Sam.”
“It’s okay.” I frowned down at his hand. Why didn’t he want to touch me? He hadn’t seemed to have a problem with it earlier. “It’s just annoying because of the impact it had on my mind. I didn’t really worry about checking my locks before, but since then…”
“Since then, it’s become a compulsion?” Zeke guessed correctly. “I’m sorry, Sam. I fucking hate that your space was violated like that. And I hate even more that it happened again tonight. I’m just relieved nothing happened to you. Physically, I mean.”
I was oddly struck by that. Most people would assume that just because something didn’t physically affect you, you wouldn’t carry any scars. But stuff like this left marks. Even someone with perfect mental health would think twice about making sure their doors were locked after a break-in.
Not that it had done me any good this time.
“About that,” I said slowly. All the obvious questions I should’ve asked when Zeke first arrived came screaming to the forefront. “How did you find my house?”
Zeke gestured at the door. “Nate, one of my housemates, is a tech wizard. He was able to track your phone’s location.”
“Ah. That’s who you were yelling for as I hung up.” I paused. “And you just…dropped everything and came?”
“Of course.” His eyes were blazing now. “You were in danger, Sam. Of course I came.”
I eyed his chest. “And you’re shirtless because…”
“You were in danger, Sam.” His voice dropped an octave as he took another step closer. “I wasn’t stopping to do anything. Not put on a top, or anything else. My only priority, my only thought was getting you to safety.”
Fuck, it was hard to breathe with him this close. I dragged in a deep breath, but it just filled my lungs with more of his drugging scent. It was some addictive combination that made me think of fresh washing right out of the tumble dryer. I used to love getting the towels out and wrapping myself up in them, just to inhale the scent. “You could’ve been hurt, Zeke. It would’ve been my fault.”
“Nope.” His expression didn’t waver. “Nothing can hurt me, Sam. And even if it could, it wouldn’t have been your fault. I chose to come here, just as those men chose to break in. You didn’t make any decisions, therefore none of this is your fault.”
“I wish I could believe that,” I said sadly. “But that’s not how my brain works. If something had happened to you and your friends?—”
“Then it would’ve been on us. They decided to follow me here, just as I decided to come. Well, it wasn’t so much a decision on my part, but listening to my instincts.”
There was a fluttering in my stomach. “Your instincts told you to protect me?”
“Yes.”
“Wish my instincts would do nice things like that.” I let out a dry laugh. “Usually mine are telling me to murder people.”
Zeke met my dark humour without missing a beat. “I can show you the best ways to kill someone. May as well give your intrusive thoughts a bit of colour.”
I glanced at the door. “Are you sure they’re gone?”
“Yes. My friends…they’re very thorough. They wouldn’t have left unless they were certain you were safe.”
“How many of them came with you?”
“Nine.” Zeke ran a hand through his hair. My gaze followed the movement hungrily, my mouth drying out at how it made his biceps bulge.
“Nine?” I reluctantly pulled my attention from Zeke’s muscles. From the smirk dancing around his lips, my staring hadn’t gone unnoticed. “That explains how they got the situation under control so fast.”
Zeke coughed, and I frowned at him. Was he trying to disguise a laugh? What had I said that was funny?
“Umm, yeah. Although, full disclosure? Any of them would’ve been able to handle it alone. It’s why I felt comfortable coming straight up here.”
My nose wrinkled as I tried to picture a bunch of staid academics trying to negotiate with people who were off their faces on fuck knows what. Micah, like Zeke, had been built, but dressed in a shirt and chinos. It was all too easy to picture him behind a lectern. “You are talking about your housemates, right? The professors?”
“Ah, right.” Zeke’s expression turned cagey. “Well, technically they are professors, but we all have quite physical…hobbies.”
My gaze dropped to his pecs again. Fuck, how I’d have loved to bury my face there, to press my tongue against his nipple. “You’re telling me.”
“I’m glad you approve.”
My eyes shot up to see Zeke’s crinkled in amusement. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he said. “You can look at me as much as you like. I’ll even let you paint me if that floats your boat.”
I laughed. “Unless you’re happy being just a blob with red hair on a canvas, I think I’ll pass.”
“Maybe I meant you putting the paint directly onto me.”
“Why would we do that?”
He shrugged, but nothing about the heat in his eyes was casual. “Sounds like it could be fun.”
“In theory,” I said lightly, taking a step backwards. “But in reality, I couldn’t do it. Too sticky. It’d stress me out.”
I hadn’t expected a reminder of why we wouldn’t work in the real world to appear so fast, but there it was.
“That’s okay,” Zeke said, smiling softly. “There are lots of fun things we can do that don’t involve getting sticky.”
I didn’t return his smile. He meant that now, but he hadn’t even seen the tip of the iceberg yet. Spending time with me was anything but fun.
I was going to respond, but that was when I spotted my laptop. It was on the floor, cracks spiderwebbing across the screen. If that wasn’t bad enough, it was in two pieces, the keyboard lying a few feet away.
“Fuck,” I exclaimed, leaning down to pick up the keyboard. I didn’t know why I was bothering; it was obviously dead. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. ”
“It’s okay,” Zeke said. “I’m sure it can be fixed.”
I lifted the keyboard and a key fell to the floor. “Yep. Bit of Sellotape and Pritt Stick oughta do it.”
“Might not even need that,” Zeke said, his lips twitching. “Seriously though, I’ll get Nate to take a look. Even if he can’t fix it, he’ll be able to pull your data from it.”
I chewed at my lip. “Are you sure he won’t mind?”
“If I was asking for me, probably.” Zeke’s gaze swept over me. “For you though? He’ll definitely be happy to help .”
I eyed him suspiciously. “Why do you say it like that?”
“Because you’re hot,” Zeke said bluntly. “I think you were pulling my leg when you said I was out of your league.”
Rolling my eyes, I dropped the now defunct keyboard on the desk. “Be serious, Zeke.”
“I am.” When had he come up behind me? He was so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. Just this proximity had my cock stiffening. “You’re unbelievably attractive, Sam. It’s kind of ridiculous that you don’t know that. With anyone else, I’d think you were playing coy. But you’re not, are you? You really think I’m out of your league.”
“Because you are.” My ears were burning with how much I was blushing. “It’s okay, Zeke. You don’t need to build up my self-esteem or anything.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.” There was a brush of something over the back of my neck that had me catching my breath. His lips ? “Don’t worry though, it’ll all make sense soon.”
I turned to find Zeke leaning against the wall. My brows drew together. Hadn’t he just been behind me? “Good, because I’ve never been great at riddles.”
He flashed his teeth at me. With his hands in his jeans pockets, Zeke was every inch my dream man. I couldn’t decide whether his compliments were flattering or insulting. How could he possibly think I was attractive enough for someone like him?
‘ He’s just trying to get laid. He’d never be caught dead on the street with a guy like you. If you don’t tell him to leave now, you’ll end up heartbroken. ’
I’d been wondering when that little voice would pipe up. The joke was on my OCD though. I knew all too well where this path with Zeke would lead.
Somehow, I didn’t think it’d stop me walking along it though.
“You don’t have to believe me,” Zeke drawled. “You’ll see for yourself when you meet Nate. For full disclosure, there was always going to be a ten percent chance he’d hit on you regardless of what you look like.”
“Why’s that?”
“To annoy me. To try and make me lose my temper.”
“You said that happens often.”
He inclined his head. “More often than I’d like. You don’t need to worry though, I won’t ever lose it with you.”
It should’ve been a red flag, but I saw red flags everywhere, even when they didn’t exist. If I paid attention to all of them, I’d never get anything done. “I’m sure that if he did make a pass, that’d be the reason why.”
“Sure.” Zeke pursed his lips but didn’t argue. “We’ll see.”
Something was nagging at me, just pulling on the edges of my mind. I tried to focus on it, tried to bring it to the forefront, but it refused. “Why are you talking like I’m going to meet him? Up until earlier, you were determined I wasn’t going to meet you, let alone your friends.”
“Things have changed.”
Just then, the thought crystallised. As soon as it did, I wished it hadn’t. I even wished it was an intrusive thought, based on nothing more than my psyche looking for problems that didn’t exist.
But, unfortunately, I knew that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t making this up. This had definitely happened.
“On the phone earlier,” I said slowly, replaying the conversation we’d been having before everything had gone to hell. “What were you going to say?”
Zeke winced. “That doesn’t matter now.”
“I think it does.” Horror dawned on me. Zeke was only here out of a sense of duty. If those intruders hadn’t chosen my house, tonight would’ve ended very differently. “You were going to break things off, weren’t you?”
He pushed off the wall, “Sam, I can explain?—”
“No thank you,” I raised a hand, giving him a pained smile. “It’s okay. You wanted to help me, and you have. You don’t need to explain anything else.”
“Yes, I do,” he ground out, crossing the room until he was just in front of me. Once again, his hands rose before falling, turning to fists at his sides. “Sam, what happened earlier was a mistake. I was scared, and wrong. So fucking wrong.”
“But now things are different?”
“Yes.” He swallowed hard. “Very different, Sam. Ending things now is the last thing I want.”
I was so confused. “But why? Why did you change your mind? Because you saw me?”
“No.” He paused, a muscle jumping in his jaw. “It happened before that. The second I knew you were in danger, when I heard the fear in your voice, nothing else mattered. I didn’t give a shit about all the things I was supposed to care about. All I wanted was to protect you.”
I frowned. “What things?”
“Like I said, it doesn’t matter now.”
There was an itching sensation at the back of my neck. I couldn’t just let this go. “It matters to me.”
Zeke tilted his head to the side. “Why?”
“Because of everything that’s happened. You got me off but didn’t want to meet. Then you?—”
“Wait, is that why you were acting weird after we had sex?”
I glared at him. “We didn’t have sex, Zeke.”
“Were you not there? Because the way I see it, we both had orgasms together.”
“That’s the thing though, we weren’t together. There’s always been a barrier between us, and up until an hour ago, you seemed perfectly satisfied with keeping that barrier there. Actually, no, I forgot. An hour ago you were about to end things completely.”
“Sam, I—” He reached for me again but froze. My temper, so rarely roused, was flaring.
“And that’s another thing—why do you keep going to touch me and stopping? Am I that repulsive to you?”
I froze, realising I was shouting.
‘ He’s going to hate you now. Maybe even call the police and accuse you of assaulting him. Run. Run now. ’
I didn’t run. Instead, I slapped my hand over my mouth in horror. “I’m so sorry.”
Zeke looked puzzled. “For what?”
“For speaking to you like that.” I was mortified. “I’ve never raised my voice to anyone before.”
“Baby, my friends raise their voices to me several times a day.”
I tried to ignore the tingling that simple endearment caused. “That seems mean.”
“Only because I didn’t say I raise mine too, often first.” He flashed a dimple at me and I almost melted. “As for not touching you…I wasn’t sure you wanted me to. I don’t want to accidentally trigger you.”
Of all the things I’d been expecting him to say, that wasn’t one of them.
“I remembered what you said about not liking to shake hands,” he added hastily. “Given what you’ve been through tonight, I didn’t want to add any unnecessary stress.”
“You touched me earlier.” He hadn’t just touched me, he’d lifted me from the floor and carried me across the room. If I hadn’t been hovering on the edge of a full-blown anxiety attack at the time, I would’ve marvelled at his strength.
“I couldn’t help myself,” he said, his voice low. “I hated seeing how much you were suffering. I had to try something. If I’d thought my touch was making it worse, I would’ve let you go in a heartbeat.”
“It was a smart move. Touch grounds me when I’m anxious.” I was sure this had come up in one of our conversations.
“I remember. But you also said it only works with people you feel comfortable with.”
“I feel comfortable with you.” It wasn’t until the words left my mouth that I realised how true they were. Zeke might’ve only physically been in my life for less than an hour, but emotionally, he’d been a part of it for much longer. “You don’t need to worry about touching me. If I’m feeling like I’m approaching a limit, I’ll let you know.”
“Good.” He exhaled sharply, cupping my jaw. “Because if I go another second without my hands on you, I might explode.”
“Please don’t do that. That’d be a hell of a mess and definitely would set off some triggers for me.” I pretended to consider it, trying not to focus on how right it felt to have him touching me. “I’d probably be better off burning the entire house down.”
Zeke leaned forwards, his lips just inches from mine. “No exploding here, I promise. And, trust me, I was in the wrong earlier. If I’d have ended things with you, it would’ve been the biggest regret of my life. There’s nothing I want more than to explore things with you.”
My heart was racing again, but it wasn’t from fear this time. It was because of the words he was saying. How much I wanted to believe them.
His mouth was almost touching mine when a thought hit me, making me groan.
Zeke pulled back immediately, removing his hand and stepping away. “What is it? Are you okay?”
“No,” I muttered, rearranging myself in my pyjama trousers. “Of course my fucking brain had to pick that exact moment to remind me.”
“Remind you of what?” Zeke sounded distracted, his gaze unashamedly fixed on my bulge.
Desperate as I was to feel Zeke’s lips against mine, now wasn’t the right time. Not while I was surrounded by the chaos of the night, without knowing what was awaiting me when I left this room. “I need to see what the damage is downstairs.”
“Oh.” Zeke’s gaze snapped up. “I imagine my friends will have tidied it all up, but we can go and see.”
He cleared his throat and stood back slightly. He tried to hide it, but I caught a glimpse of the rejection in his eyes. A feeling I’d known all too well in my life.
Like fuck was I having Zeke feel that way because of me.
Grabbing his hand, I tugged until he looked back at me. “Hey, it’s not that I didn’t want to kiss you. It’s just…it’s just not the right moment.”
Zeke smiled. “Of course. I shouldn’t have presumed?—”
“You should presume.” Feeling brave, I pressed his hand against my still erect cock, giving him plenty of time to pull away if he didn’t want this. “I want you, Zeke. I do. But this…this is a lot to process. I need to get my head on straight before anything happens.”
Zeke smiled, his fingers twitching once against my erection before he withdrew them. “That’s fair. You can take as much time as you need, Sam. I’ll be waiting when you’re ready.”
I bit my lip. Really, I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to be thinking about. Did Zeke want to just hook up? Or did he want something more serious?
I knew what I wanted. I think I’d wanted it since our very first conversation.
I wanted Zeke to be mine. For us to explore this connection which was unlike anything I’d felt before. To see if our chemistry was as blazing hot in real life as it had been over the phone. To understand if Zeke truly meant what he said about my mental health not bothering him.
Or if the reality would send him running, the same way it did everyone else.
I shouldn’t even have been thinking about this now. I needed to focus on the damage that might’ve been done. And calling the police—I hadn’t actually done it earlier, too scared the intruders would hear me.
Despite what Micah and Zeke had said, I couldn’t bring myself to step outside my bedroom door. I’d worked so hard to make this my safe space, and tonight had ruined that.
I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get the feeling of safety back. Not here, at least. How could I, when I couldn’t even bring myself to walk down the stairs?
Like he could sense me starting to spiral, Zeke slipped his hand into mine. “Come on, let’s go check this out together.”
Together. Somehow, Zeke had managed to stem the tide of my anxiety so that only a trickle was able to break free. With him at my side everything felt…easier. Who knew, maybe I’d be able to find a way to keep him there.
‘ That’ll never happen. ’
Zeke’s hand tightened around mine. It gave me the confidence to counter the thought.
It might not. But I’m going to give it a shot anyway.
It took another stab.
‘ You’ll end up heartbroken. You’ll never know love again. ’
Zeke smiled at me encouragingly, his thumb sweeping over the back of my hand.
Maybe. But I’m never going to know love at all if I let you win.
For the first time in years, there was no response.