22. Sam
22
Sam
I had no idea what the fuck had just happened. I mean, Zeke had warned me about his temper, but hearing about it and seeing it were two completely different things.
One second Zeke had been sat at the table beside me, and the next he’d had a hand on the throat of each twin, crushing them against the island. His pupils had been blown, his veins popping along his impressive forearms.
If I weren’t so shocked, I might’ve been aroused. I mentally added that to the list of things to go over with a therapist later.
How had he even moved so fast? I swear, I’d blinked and he was gone.
‘ Maybe he’s an alien or something. ’
That thought was easy to dismiss. The day I started believing in supernatural crap was the day I was admitted to the grippy sock ward for a mandatory holiday.
I’d jumped up immediately, along with Nox. He’d gone to the other side of the island while I’d rushed over to Zeke. It had taken me several attempts to get his attention, but once I touched him, he’d finally released them. As if my touch had untethered him somehow, freeing him of whatever he was warring with in his mind.
He’d let the twins go, but he hadn’t turned around yet. His shoulders were rising and falling rapidly, every muscle from his neck to his arms tensed.
“Zeke?” My hand moved from his back to his bicep, tugging on him slightly. “Look at me. Please.”
Fuck, he was so tense. Was he still struggling with his temper? Or did he not want to face me?
Finally, he turned. His skin was ashen, head hanging low. I knew then that it was the latter.
He was ashamed.
What Zeke had been afraid of had happened. He’d shown me his worst, and now expected me to run.
And I got it, I did. His temper hadn’t been aimed at me, not this time, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen in future.
If that ever happened, I would walk.
Some innate, buried part of me didn’t think that would happen though. He’d never so much as raised his voice in my direction, let alone a hand.
I needed to know what was behind this. If Zeke was willing to open up to me, then this wouldn’t be the end. If he was willing to work with me and my brain, then I was damned well going to do the same for him. None of us were perfect. Normal was something that only existed on paper, not in the real world. We all had flaws. We all had demons to fight. It just so happened that some demons were louder and more difficult to control than others. But Zeke wasn’t letting me fight mine alone. What made him think I wouldn’t fight his alongside him?
“Come on,” I said firmly, tugging on his arm again. “We’re going to take a lap.”
He nodded but didn’t lift his head. I started to tug him towards the back door, pausing to glance at the twins still on the floor.
“How Zeke behaved wasn’t right,” I said, shocked by the fire in my voice. “He has no excuse for reacting violently. But you two are also in the wrong. You know he has an issue with his temper, yet you intentionally provoked him. You’re supposed to be friends—what kind of friend does that?”
They both gaped at me.
Great. Even if I worked things out with Zeke, would the twins even want me here now I’d called them on their bullshit?
Before I could follow that thought spiral down, Nox appeared, opening the back door for us. Zeke stepped through without looking back, his long legs carrying him towards the woodland.
Nox touched my shoulder, winking in approval. “Good for you. You deal with Zeke, I’ll sort the fuck-knuckles here. And don’t worry, everything will be fine.”
I smiled at him, wishing I had his confidence. At least it seemed like I had Nox in my corner, that was something. “Thank you.”
Zeke was almost at the tree line now. I had to jog to catch up to him, the whole time cursing at myself for skipping cardio at the gym.
Okay, that made it sound like I went to the gym, which I didn’t. Like most millennials, I had a shiny membership that had been used…twice.
A very long time ago.
By the time I caught up to him, I was wheezing. Zeke spun on his heel, his eyes widening as he took in my heaving chest and how I’d stopped to brace my hands on my knees. “Baby, are you okay?”
Unable to speak over the cramp in my side, I shot him a double thumbs up.
“I keep fucking up today,” Zeke said glumly, running his hand up and down my spine as he waited for me to catch my breath. “I’m sorry, Sam.”
“Okay.” I straightened, finally able to expand my lungs fully. “Firstly, you’re going to stop talking right now, and we’re going to take a walk.”
Zeke hesitated. “Sure that’s a good idea? You want to be alone with me after that?”
I looked him square in the eye. “Are you going to hurt me? Lose your temper with me?”
Zeke physically recoiled, all the blood draining from his face. “Of course not. I could never hurt you. I can’t even fathom being mildly annoyed in your direction.”
“Then my answer is yes.” I nodded firmly. “Clearly, I need the exercise, and you need to walk off your mood. So let’s go.”
He didn’t say anything, just fell into step beside me as we continued towards the woodland. Our knuckles brushed against each other a few times, and when it became apparent he wasn’t going to make that move, I did.
Lacing our fingers together, I squeezed his hand firmly, trying to convey what I was thinking. Yes, you fucked up. No, it’s not a dealbreaker.
So long as you explain why.
Like I’d said, if I believed Zeke’s violent temper could be aimed at me, or somehow get me into trouble, then I couldn’t stay. I wouldn’t. Deep down though, I didn’t believe I was at risk. Everything he’d done, everything he’d told me, it all hinted at something deeper. A reason why he behaved like this.
After we’d been walking for thirty minutes or so, I finally broke the silence. “Feeling calmer?”
The tips of Zeke’s ears turned red. “I wish you hadn’t seen that, I really do.”
“That’s not what I asked. Are you feeling calmer?”
He gave a small huff. “Yes. I was ninety-five percent there as soon as you touched me, but I have to admit, this walk has rounded it up to an even one hundred.”
“Good. I thought taking a lap would help.”
His eyes darted to me. “Is that what we’re doing?”
“That was the plan. I spent several summers as a teenager watching the local rugby team play. Whenever a fight would break out, the coach would make them take a lap.” I squinted into the distance, seeing nothing but endless trees ahead. “Figured the same approach might work here, but this place is fucking ridiculous. Just how much land is there?”
“About five hundred acres,” he muttered.
“Five hundred acres? Fuck me, that has to be as big as Richmond Park.”
“Not quite.” Zeke laughed, the sound a refreshing reminder of him, the man I’d grown to know. To…like. A lot. “I think Richmond Park is likely in the thousands.”
“Okay, so maybe not a full lap then. My cardio isn’t up to that.”
I waited for him to make a joke about ways he could help me improve my cardio, but none came. Instead, he continued walking at the same steady pace, his eyes fixed on the far distance.
“So, about earlier.”
“I’m sorry,” Zeke repeated immediately. “That should never have happened. If I could take it back, I would.”
“I believe you.” I did. There was no mistaking the earnestness in what he was saying. “And honestly, given what you’ve told me in the past, I wasn’t surprised. But what I’d like to know is why you’re like this.”
Zeke stopped walking. “What makes you think there’s a reason?”
“There is.” I moved so I was standing directly in front of him. “There has to be, Zeke. I know you, I know this isn’t you. Or rather, it’s not who you want to be. You wouldn’t be feeling so ashamed right now if there wasn’t a reason behind all this. If there wasn’t more .”
His throat bobbed. “I haven’t told anyone. Ever.”
“Maybe it’ll help if you do.” I inclined my head in the direction of the house. “Maybe it’d even help your friends stop being such dicks if they knew. Perhaps they’d respect your boundaries if you opened up about it.”
“I heard what you said to the twins. I don’t think anyone has ever stuck up for me like that before.”
“I’ll always stick up for you, Zeke. Even if you’re in the wrong. Which, to be clear, you were back there.” He winced at that, but I continued. “Violence is not the answer, Zeke, but I can see why you reacted that way. They pushed and pushed at you until you snapped. It doesn’t make what you did okay, but I understand how you got there.”
“It’s no excuse, I know, but I was worried about you,” he said quietly. “I want you to feel comfortable here.”
“And I do, for the most part.”
Zeke looked at me questioningly so I continued with a sigh. “I feel as comfortable as I can given I’m in a house full of almost-strangers. It’s only been a day, Zeke. Give me time.”
He grunted. “I can do that.”
“And you can tell me why you reacted like that,” I said, cupping his cheek. “I want to understand you, Zeke. Will you let me in?”
“I can, but there are parts I can’t share with you. Not yet, anyway. Not without explaining a lot more stuff. And for that, I’d prefer we were indoors, somewhere we can’t be interrupted.”
My curiosity was piqued, but I tamped it down. “That’s okay. Just tell me what you can. I want to understand, Zeke.”
His chest shuddered as he exhaled. “Can we walk while I do? I think it might help.”
“Of course.”
I slid my hand back into his, matching his strides. I had to bite my lip to contain my grin when I realised he was intentionally taking smaller steps so as not to outpace or rush me.
My joy was erased at Zeke’s next words. “My mother died when I was seven.”
Seven. A crack appeared in my heart. “Zeke, fuck. I’m so sorry.”
“It was just myself and my father after that,” he continued as though I hadn’t spoken. I suspected he was forcing himself to get through this as quickly as he could. “He wanted me to be stronger than I was. Tougher. Unbreakable.”
“Why? You were just a child.”
“Because of what I am,” Zeke said simply. His eyes flicked to mine briefly. “It’s part of what I’ve got to tell you. It will make sense, I promise. I can go into it now, but…”
“No,” I said quickly. This was clearly a painful subject for him. It didn’t matter how confused I was, or how bright my curiosity shone, this wasn’t about me. It was about Zeke. The sooner he got this out, the better. Everything else could wait. “Just continue with what you can.”
“He trained me night and day. Whole months would pass where I didn’t see the sun, just the walls of the room we fought in.”
Training? Fighting? The more he told me, the more questions I had. Instead of asking them, I tried to put myself in his shoes. A young boy who’d lost his mother, forced to remain indoors for long periods of time, training for god only knew what. Was his father a believer of some crackpot conspiracy theory?
It didn’t matter really. Knowing what his reasons were didn’t change the fact that Zeke’s father was a monster.
“Did you see anyone else?”
“No.” Zeke’s throat clicked as he swallowed. “From the age of seven until I was seventeen, the only contact I had with anyone was with my father.”
“What about school?”
“He taught me what I needed to know.” Zeke’s tone was so flat, it made me want to scream. To find this man and let my intrusive thoughts have control for once. “That’s what he believed, anyway.”
“Being isolated for that long…” My voice trailed off as my heart cracked. “I can’t even imagine how you must’ve felt. It makes sense why you fly off the handle. You missed out on a crucial period of socialisation.”
“That’s not why. At least, it’s not the only reason.” Zeke’s footsteps were speeding up now, like he couldn’t help himself. Like he wanted to run from this. “I’ve always had this…rage inside me. A monster that constantly fights to be free. To take over and unleash itself.”
A chill went down my spine. How often had I thought about my OCD like that?
“My mother taught me to contain it,” Zeke said quietly. “But my father, he set it free.”
“Why?”
Zeke huffed, turning his gaze to the sky. “Guess he thought it’d make me more powerful. Unstoppable.”
“And has it?”
He laughed without mirth. “You saw how easily I took down the twins. As much as I hate the fucker, Father might’ve been onto something.”
“Are you saying you can’t take them down without losing your temper?”
Zeke paused, like he was genuinely considering it. “Possibly. It depends on their mood. If they lose their temper or are pushed too far, it takes several of us to rein them in.”
I still didn’t understand why they needed to be capable of such violent behaviour, but I trusted Zeke when he told me it would make sense when I’d heard the whole story. Was I even safe here, if everyone was so violent?
Well you weren’t safe in your own home, so it’s not that different. Besides, no one has displayed this behaviour towards you.
The instant they did, I’d be out of here. Something told me Zeke wouldn’t let that happen though. Thinking about it, they’d all come running to save me the other night. Why would they want to hurt me now?
I took us back to the story. “What changed when you turned seventeen?”
“I met Micah. He was on the same path as me. He’d lost his parents when I lost my mother.”
I sucked in a breath. “Both of them?”
He inclined his head. “Yes. There was…something happened that took them all from us.”
I was dying to ask what that was, but I held back. Now wasn’t the time, not when he was just opening up. And I wanted to see inside of him, to know what made him tick.
“Micah’s quite a bit older than me,” Zeke said. Huh, that was strange. I wouldn’t have said he was older than his thirties. “He took me under his wing. Thanks to his position in our…community, my father was happy to let him do so. It’s what led me to the rest of them and the life I have now.”
My mind was reeling, trying to take it all in. Trying to make it marry up with what I knew about Zeke already. “What happened to your father?”
“He’s dead,” Zeke said emotionlessly. “He attacked someone more powerful than himself, thinking he was better. That this…person, could never be strong enough to beat him. But he was. He had more power in his little finger than my father could ever have hoped to muster.”
Powerful? Who was this man? Did he think he was some kind of superhero? My brain was trying to make sense of this and failing. “And he killed your father?”
“He did. Ironically, he’s known for losing control as much as I am. Some have described him as unhinged.” Zeke shook his head in frustration. “My father moulded me into what I am today. He should’ve known not to tangle with this person. But, as always, his pride and ego got the better of him.”
It was so much to take in. “Is that why he pushed you? Because of his ego?”
“Yes. When I was younger, I used to tell myself it was because he wanted me to be safe. He didn’t want to lose me as he had my mother. But as I got older, as I learned how he spoke and bragged about me, I realised the truth. None of it had ever been about me. It had always been about him.”
I suspected I knew the answer to this, but I asked the question anyway. “How did you feel? When you heard he’d died?”
There was a long pause. “Relieved. Slightly pissed that I hadn’t been there to see his downfall, but overall it was like a weight had been lifted.”
I was silent as I thought again about Zeke as a little boy. Never seeing anyone. Rarely seeing daylight. Forced to embrace a part of himself that he hated. Fighting. Always fighting.
Zeke stopped walking abruptly, mistaking my silence for judgement. “I’m sorry. Fuck, that’s probably made you think I’m a terrible person. I shouldn’t feel happy that my only surviving parent is dea?—”
His words were cut off by me throwing myself into his arms. Tears burned my eyes as I wrapped myself around him, hugging him fiercely. “Never ever apologise for what you feel, especially about him. I refuse to call him your father, because no father should lock up their son.”
Zeke’s arms came up to hold me, the two of us clinging to each other beneath the leafy canopy. “What he did was abuse, Zeke. And you feeling relieved that he’s no longer breathing? That’s completely justified.”
He buried his face in my neck, making a sound that sounded suspiciously like a muffled sob.
“It’s okay,” I repeated, cupping the back of his neck and speaking directly into his ear. “However you feel, it’s okay. You were a child, Zeke. You were betrayed by the one person who was supposed to love you. I don’t blame you if you hated him. I wouldn’t even blame you for celebrating his death.”
“I wish I was the one who killed him.” Zeke’s confession was almost lost on the wind. “That he’d unleashed the monster he’d created and his life was the price he paid.”
If you’d told me before today that I’d be holding someone who confessed wanting to murder someone, I’d assume I’d completely taken leave of my senses. But this was Zeke. A man who’d shown me nothing but kindness. A man who had a reason for why he behaved this way when pushed. His father had tormented him during his formative years and created a monster he tried so hard to leash inside of him. If anything, Zeke needed therapy and a long, hot bath, not for me to reject him.
Did that make what he did to the twins okay? No. But for someone like me, someone who’d seen so little kindness in his time, I didn’t care. Especially not given what he’d been through.
What his father had put him through.
My own sperm donor had walked out of my life when I was a toddler. Now, hearing Zeke’s story, I was glad he’d left.
Sometimes, no father was better than a shitty one.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get to either,” I said eventually. And I meant it. The thought of a child-sized Zeke suffering had me changing my moral and ethical stance on everything. I’d started this conversation claiming that violence wasn’t the answer, but I was ending it wishing for a weapon and five minutes alone with his cunt of a father. “But I’m glad he was taken out by someone similar to you. Talk about some karmic justice.”
“Yeah.” Zeke sniffed. “I’ve never liked the fucker who did it, but ever since then, I’ve hated him a little less.”
“Wait…” I pulled back so I could see his face. His eyes were puffy and red. “You know the man who did it?”
“Yes, but he doesn’t know who I am. I mean, obviously he knows who I am, but he doesn’t know he killed my father. As far as he’s concerned, my father was just another fool stupid enough to think he could defeat him.”
“You speak as though there’s some secret war going on.” I shook my head in confusion. “Are you, like, in the Mafia or something?”
“Or something.” He took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. “It’s all so complicated and I understand how all of this must sound like to you. Why don’t we go inside? We can find somewhere quiet and I can tell you all the rest of it.”
“Sounds good.” I looped my arm through his as we turned back in the direction of the house. As we walked, a final question occurred to me. “Do you want to stop? Losing control, I mean.”
Zeke’s voice was raspy when he answered. “More than anything.”
I hummed, pulling him tighter to my side. “Then we’ll just have to keep taking laps.”