25. Sam
25
Sam
L osing myself in work was easy. I’d been hoping that by the time I was finished, Zeke would’ve returned.
The sun was setting outside the window though, and he still wasn’t back.
My stomach rumbled for the sixth time in the past ten minutes, and I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.
‘ His housemates will think it’s weird if you go downstairs and help yourself to food. ’
“No, they won’t,” I muttered. “Zeke literally told me to and everyone’s been really welcoming.”
Even if I had told two of them off.
Naturally, my OCD latched on to that next.
‘ They all hate you. The twins especially. With Zeke gone now, they’ll make you leave. ’
Gritting my teeth, I headed for the door of the suite, battling with my thoughts every step of the way. “If that happens, I’ll take a taxi to a hotel.”
‘ You’re going into a kitchen. What if one of them does something to make you lose your temper and you stab someone? ’
I rested my head against the door, my hand frozen on the handle. Being in a different environment, without Zeke, everything was starting to spiral. No matter how much I tried to push my thoughts away, they kept returning.
‘ Because you’re supposed to sit with them, not push them away. You can’t succeed at anything. If you go downstairs now, you’ll fuck that up too. ’
My hand fell from the doorknob as I took a shaky step backwards. Who was I kidding? There was no way I was leaving this room tonight. I could eat Jelly Babies, that’d do.
Before I could take another step, there was a knock on the door followed by a gentle female voice. “Sam?”
Forcing my face to relax enough to smile, I opened the door to find the petite blonde woman there. Grace.
“Hi,” she said with a smile. “We were just wondering if you’d like to join us for dinner?”
‘ You’ll ruin everything if you do. ’
“No, I’m okay.” My knuckles whitened on the handle, fortunately out of Grace’s sight. My smile, thankfully, stayed in place. “But thank you, I really appreciate you inviting me.”
Grace’s smile faltered slightly, making my heart skip a beat. Fuck, had I offended her?
‘ Of course you did. You need to apologise now before she makes you leave. ’
Before I could do just that, she spoke again. “That’s not a problem. I can make you up a plate if you’d prefer to eat in here?”
“No,” I said hurriedly. I didn’t need my OCD to answer this one for me. Like I’d said to Zeke, the last thing I wanted was to be waited on. “Honestly, I’m not hungry.”
That was the moment my stomach chose to rumble again. Loudly.
I cringed, but thankfully, Grace was kind enough not to call me on it. “Okay. If you change your mind, just shout. You can join us, or I can bring you food. We don’t mind.”
‘ Close the door before you embarrass yourself further. ’
I fought against the urge, instead tapping my foot on the floor rhythmically. Grace’s eyes darted downwards in confusion. Shit, she probably thought I was being rude, but it was better than slamming the door in her face.
“Thank you,” I managed to get out. It definitely wasn’t a smile I sent her way, but it was the closest I could achieve with the need to follow the compulsion riding me. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”
Grace bit her lip uncertainly before turning on her heel and walking away.
Closing the door, I hated the relief that rushed through me. Collapsing back against the wood, I buried my head in my hands. Why did my brain have to make everything so fucking hard ?
My self-pity spiral would have to wait though, as another, much firmer knock, echoed through the room.
This time, it was Rami standing there, an easy grin on his lips. “Forgive us, I don’t think Grace was clear. She’s too nice really. What she meant to say was that you have to eat, so you can either join us, or we’ll bring you a plate. What would you prefer?”
His direct approach had my brain scrambling. “Umm…”
Rami’s eyes flashed with amusement. “You’ll join us? Great. Come on, I’ll walk you down.”
Just like that, he was sliding his arm through mine and leading me down the hallway. I tripped over my feet, trying to mentally and physically keep up with the huge man. “Really, I’m?—”
“If you tell me you’re not hungry, I’ll put you over my shoulder and carry you there myself.” He said it in such a cheery manner that I figured he was kidding, but the raised brow he shot my way changed my mind. “If it’s too much and you want to leave, no one will say a word. I’ll even walk you back to your room if you like.”
“Okay.” Funnily enough, having someone else take the decision out of my hands worked wonders on my brain. With clear and direct instructions to follow, my OCD didn’t really have anywhere to go.
I was sure it would find a path eventually though. Hopefully it’d let me eat first.
Rami flashed me one more grin before shoving open the kitchen door. The noise hit me like a wave, several voices calling out in greeting. Music was playing from a Bluetooth speaker on the windowsill. Various scents wafted from the cooker Rami bustled over to, humming along with the music. All the overhead lights were on too, compensating for the incoming evening.
Suddenly my collar was too close to my throat. I tugged on it, trying to stretch the material. My chest felt too tight, my head swimming as my senses were overloaded.
‘ See? You were always going to fail. There’s no way you’ll make it through this meal without making everyone hate you. ’
Sadly, I agreed with my brain. All signs pointed to this ending in disaster.
Grace put a bowl filled with salad on the island, a soft smile blooming in my direction. “You came.”
“You’re too nice,” Rami called over his shoulder, stirring something in the huge pot.
Grace rolled her eyes, ignoring him. “Take a seat, Sam. I’ll bring your food over.”
The twins and Noah were already sat there, taking up the seats where I’d sat with Zeke earlier. I eyed the empty spots around the table. ‘ Too close to the door. That one’s facing the wrong way. Can’t sit in that one either, it doesn’t have arms. ’
Yep that was a fun stage to reach—where I was so overstimulated that even the type of chair mattered. I liked to feel like the chair was containing me, keeping me safe.
Logically, I knew that didn’t make sense.
But emotionally, that didn’t matter.
I swallowed, but it didn’t help. My mouth felt like it was filled with sawdust. “It’s okay, I can grab one myself.”
Grace looked like she was going to argue, but Rami cleared his throat loudly, giving her a pointed stare. She sighed, giving up with a shrug.
My chest eased slightly. Maybe I could eat up at the island. That could work. My back would be to the main door, but not the door leading outside.
Yes, that could work.
Plan in place, I squared my shoulders and made my way to the island. The plates were stacked on the side, various dishes surrounding them. My appetite had vanished, replaced with anxiety, but I knew I had to eat. Starving myself would only make it worse.
There was a large dish of what looked like paella. I fucking loved paella.
I reached for the heavy ladle to serve myself some, my mouth already beginning to water in anticipation.
‘ What if you’ve become allergic to shellfish since you last had some? ’
My knuckles whitened around the handle. That won’t have happened. It’s safe to eat.
‘ It’s not. You will go into anaphylactic shock. ’
A new song came on, a fast-paced track by Caffeine Daydreams. The beat ripped through the kitchen, both twins whooping in delight as they clapped their hands.
Every noise was like a hammer inside my skull. My clothes were too tight. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t?—
‘ You’ll definitely die if you eat this food. ’
I dropped the ladle. Naturally, being me, it didn’t just fall back into the pot. No, it bounced off, spinning around and knocking into a nearby wine glass. Time seemed to go into slow motion as I watched the glass tip and shatter.
“Shit.” Rami was beside me instantly, Noah appearing at my other side. They pulled me backwards together, putting several feet between me and the mess I’d made. “Are you okay?”
All I could see were the shards of glass. They were glistening under the bright lights, littering the floor, the counter.
My skin.
My mouth.
Were they in my mouth?
Had I breathed them in?
‘ Crushed glass is fatal. You definitely got some in your mouth. ’
No one was singing along to the music now. The silence jarred oddly against the upbeat pulse continuing to echo from the speaker. The sensory overload lowered slightly, but it was too late. It was coming. Every sign was there.
My only hope was to get out of the kitchen before the attack hit.
I shook my hands out like it might stop the tingling. “I’m okay, it missed me.”
‘ Get out of here. Everyone needs to get out. Someone is going to hurt themselves and it’ll be your fault. ’
No one reacted, all of them watching Rami. He was lightly touching my forearm, brow furrowed in concentration.
If my brain hadn’t been screaming at me, I might’ve found it odd.
‘ One of them will get hurt and you’ll be arrested. It’ll all be your fault. You’re going to jail. ’
From the corner of my eye, I saw Rami nod and remove his hand. Everyone relaxed as one, quiet chatter resuming.
“Sorry about the mess,” I said through numb lips. “Here, I can clean it up.”
“I’m on it,” Noah said cheerfully, a dustpan and brush in his hands. “Don’t worry.”
‘ He’s going to cut himself. He might miss some. ’
“I said I can do it.” The words exploded from me, cutting through the air like a knife.
The silence was heavy now, everyone staring at me in shock.
I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror, wishing I could rewind time. “I’m so sorry.”
‘ Now they’ve seen the real you. They’ll tell Zeke and he’ll kick you out. There’s no way you can stay now. ’
I wished I could argue back, but the confusion on the faces surrounding me made me think my OCD might be right.
I’d fucked this up. Just as expected.
“It’s totally fine,” Noah said breezily, but there was a tightness around his mouth that hadn’t been there a few moments ago. “Here, you can do it.”
My hands were shaking as I accepted the dustpan and brush from Noah. His frown deepened as his gaze lingered on them, then darted up to my face.
I couldn’t stand it. All of them were watching me, silently. It was almost as bad as the oppressive noise that had been ripping at me earlier.
Trying to ignore them, I swept up the glass with hurried movements. Sweat poured down my back as my hands shook harder. It’s okay. It’s just glass.
‘ Glass that’s getting embedded in your skin without you noticing. It’ll get infected and you’ll die. ’
I tried to swallow as I tipped the glass into the bin. It had a touch lid. It left a burning sensation on my hand. Fuck, when would this stop?
The distant, rational part of my mind tried desperately to stop the impending wreck.
Excuse yourself.
Wash your hands.
Get rid of your clothes.
Was it the rational part? Or was it compulsions?
I was past the point of being able to separate the two.
“There. All sorted. Sorry about that.”
I cringed at myself, at the flat tone that coated every word. From the expressions on Rami’s and Noah’s faces, they hadn’t bought it either.
‘ Your throat is closing. Get on the floor. Lie down before you faint. ’
Again, I didn’t know which part of my brain was speaking, but I knew I had to do it. An attack was coming and I was helpless to stop it. My throat felt like it was trapped in a vice, each breath harder to drag in. “I think I’m going to?—”
Rami stepped forwards, his hands raised palm up in front of me. “Sam, are you feeling okay?”
“Of course,” I lied “I just need to…”
I might’ve got away with it. I might’ve been able to escape, to fall apart in private.
But then Theo reached for the discarded ladle. I watched in horror as he spooned up a generous helping of paella and dropped it onto his plate.
‘ It’s contaminated. It’s got glass in. He’ll die and it’ll all be your fault. ’
“You can’t eat that,” I blurted out, trying to hear over the roaring in my ears. “There might be glass in it.”
Theo looked at me, startled. “It’s fine. The glass didn’t get in it.”
“You can’t.” I tried to lunge forward, but the floor moved under my feet, making me stumble. “It’s not safe. Please, don’t eat it.”
Rami’s hand touched my shoulder. My skin crawled. I was being trapped. Being held down. “Sam, I promise, the glass didn’t go near it.”
“He can’t eat it,” I said. Why weren’t any of them listening to me? The air was thick. It wasn’t going into my lungs. I looked back at Theo, struggling to see him through the black spots filling my vision. “Please don’t eat it, please.”
Shouts of alarm filled the kitchen as my knees gave way. I collapsed onto my side, gasping helplessly. No air.
‘ You can’t breathe. ’
‘ You’re dying. ’
“Rami, do something!” Theo was shouting, but I couldn’t respond. Couldn’t tell him there was nothing Rami could do.
“I’m trying.” More hands touching me. Warmth spreading through me. I tried to cling to it, but it did nothing. I recoiled.
More shouting. I couldn’t differentiate between the voices anymore. The black spots filled in more.
Soon it’ll be over.
A new voice rose above the others. It was firm. Strict.
All the other voices went quiet.
The hands stopped touching me.
The music fell silent.
The lights were turned off.
A figure dropped down beside me. Through the dots, he studied me thoughtfully, then he lay down beside me, watching me closely.
“Take your time, Sam,” Benji said calmly. “You’re going to be okay. You’re having a panic attack.”
‘ No. I’m dying. ’
“You’re not dying.” Shit, I’d said that out loud. “It just feels that way. Once your body stops producing adrenaline, the physical symptoms will stop.”
“I’m sorry,” I choked out as tears began to fall. “This is so embarrassing.”
“Why?” Benji looked genuinely confused. “You can’t help what your body is doing right now.”
But I should have been able to. Everyone else could. Why couldn’t I?
“You’re not alone,” Benji whispered. “I know you might feel that way, but I’m here. Ez will be soon, too. Until then, would you like me to talk you through some grounding techniques? I’ve been doing some research. It might help.”
Why had Benji been researching grounding techniques? Did he know about my OCD? Had Zeke been worried this might happen?
That thought wasn’t embarrassing or upsetting. Rather, it unlocked something. A warmth that I was able to cling onto.
I blinked away some tears as I rasped out an answer for Benji. “Yes, please.”