34. Sam
34
Sam
W rapping my head around Zeke being an angel and part of an uber-powerful unit was one thing.
Hearing that there was an angelic council led by an unhinged supernatural being who was out to get them was another entirely.
My heart ached as Zeke outlined everything that had gone down between Micah and Nox. “I’m so glad you were all able to figure a way out of it for them.”
“Me too,” Zeke said before sighing. “But unfortunately, she’s not taken the loss lying down.”
“What do you mean?”
He took my hand in his. “She knows you’re staying here, Sam. That’s why Micah and I were summoned the other day.”
A chill went up my spine at the ominous undertone to his words. “I don’t understand. Are you not allowed to have guests?”
“Technically, yes, but you’re a human. And humans aren’t supposed to know about angels.”
“Are you in trouble? Do I need to leave?” I went to stand up. “It’s not a problem. I can stay nearby and?—”
“No.” Zeke pulled me back to the sofa. “It’s not as straightforward as that, unfortunately. Gloria has issued an ultimatum under the guise of keeping our true natures under wraps, but that’s not what it’s really about.”
“It’s about punishing you,” I said, the chill turning to ice. “What was her ultimatum?”
“She gave us five days.”
“Five days to do what?”
Zeke exhaled slowly. “For me to make you my mate. It’s the only reason we’re allowed to disclose our true identities to humans.”
“And if you don’t?”
Zeke’s lips thinned. “Then Gloria has threatened to take matters into her own hands.”
“By killing me,” I said numbly. “That’s what she means, right?”
“Yes,” Zeke said hoarsely. “Or by compelling you to forget everything. Which in itself…”
He didn’t need to finish that sentence. We both knew I’d die if compelled again for an extended period of time.
“I won’t let her hurt you, Sam,” Zeke said fiercely. “If you’re not ready to accept the mating bond, that’s okay. Gloria will have to get through me and every other member of the Seraphim before she gets to you. None of us will let you be put at risk.”
“But that’s putting all of you at risk.”
Zeke’s expression didn’t change. “Keeping you safe, keeping you alive is far more important.”
It really wasn’t. “If you did that, even if you managed to make her walk away, she’d have it out for you even more than she does now.”
Zeke’s eyes darted sideways. “There’s no way to know that for sure.”
“Don’t lie to me,” I said. Guilt flickered in his gaze as he brought it back to me.
“I’m sorry. I just…I wish I could protect you from the truth.”
“But you can’t.” There was a deadline hanging over him. Over us. A life-changing decision had to be made. One I was ninety-nine percent sure about.
But I’d thought I’d have more time. More time to get my brain on board. To let Zeke reassure me that his intentions would truly never change.
That wasn’t the case. The clock had been ticking down this whole time. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t been aware of it, it had been happening all the same.
“So we need to become mates sooner rather than later,” I said finally.
“Not necessarily,” Zeke said. “We have options if you need time.”
“I don’t need time because I’m uncertain about you or us,” I whispered. “It’s just…I don’t do well with change, not with something of this magnitude.”
“I know, baby.” He kissed my forehead. “You don’t need to reassure me. Before Gloria, I had every intention of giving you as long as you needed. Believe it or not, I was looking forward to taking things slow with you.”
“You were?”
“Of course. We’re only going to fall in love once. I wanted to make the most of every moment.”
Fucking Gloria. I hated her for taking that from Zeke. From us. “We still can, we’ll just be bonded while we do it.”
“We do have other options. There’s a witch in Scotland who might be able to offer us sanctuary. Or we can stay here. This place is like a fortress. Even against Gloria, we can defend it for weeks if needed.”
“No,” I said, stroking his face. “I don’t need other options, Zeke. Being your mate is what I want, and the easiest solution. It just makes sense.”
‘ But what if this is a mistake? What if Zeke is only doing this because of Gloria’s ultimatum? What if he doesn’t actually want you? ’
I gritted my teeth, trying not to let the thoughts overwhelm me.
Zeke hummed. “I sense there’s a but there somewhere.”
“But my brain is a fucking dick,” I forced out, dropping my head on his shoulder to hide my shame. “I should be stronger, Zeke. I’m so fucking sorry. You deserve someone better than me as your mate.”
“Nope.” He put his hand under my chin, guiding my head up until I was forced to meet his gaze. “I deserve you, just as you deserve me. Like I’ve said before—you’re not to apologise for things out of your control. You’re not doing this intentionally.”
“I’m not,” I said miserably. “Believe me, I wish I could just say yes right here and now. It’d make things easier.”
“But you can’t, and that’s okay.” His trusting eyes didn’t look away for a second. “I love you, Sam. Tell me what you need.”
I loosed a breath. This man was just too perfect. “A few hours. Would that be okay? By then hopefully my brain will be on board and?—”
Zeke’s sudden burst of laughter had me pausing with a frown. “What? What’s so funny?”
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said, wiping at his eyes. “I thought you were going to ask for a few months. A year maybe.”
I rolled my eyes, jamming my fingers into his ribs and tickling him until he yelped. “Don’t laugh at me.”
He sobered immediately. “Sorry, Sam. Honestly, I wasn’t laughing at you. More at myself for assuming the worst.”
I grinned. “Aw, now you’re starting to act like me.”
“Seriously though, a few hours is more than fine. I wasn’t expecting you to want to do it right here and now.”
“You weren’t?”
“Of course not,” Zeke said softly. “I know I haven’t had much of a chance to romance you, but I’d hoped to do it somewhere better than here on this sofa.”
My voice dropped an octave, remembering how he’d sucked me off here yesterday. “I dunno, I’ve got some pretty fond memories of this sofa.”
Both our phones vibrated on the table, making us simultaneously groan as we reached for them. I sighed as I scrolled through the message, mentally tallying up the hours it was going to take to get through it all. “Fuck, guess I need to get to work.”
“Me too,” Zeke said with a sigh. “Micah’s called a meeting about Gloria. They’ve all been working on different scenarios, just in case you decide you need more time than a few hours.”
I rubbed my chest at their thoughtfulness. “I won’t. I promise, Zeke. A few hours for my brain to adjust is all I need.”
“I know.” He pecked my lips. “But it’s good for us to be prepared for any eventuality. Will you be okay here on your own for a bit?”
My phone vibrated again.
“I think I’ll be okay,” I said drily, shaking my phone in his direction. “I probably won’t even notice you’re gone.”
“Rude,” Zeke muttered, carding his fingers through my hair. “I better give you something to remember me by.”
A fter kissing me until I was panting and breathless, Zeke promptly departed for his meeting. He left me hot and aching, with an erection that could punch through steel.
And successfully made sure I’d have difficulty thinking about anything but him while he was gone. Even more frustrating was the ache in my rear. Not a single part of Zeke could be considered small, which meant I needed a break before taking him how I really wanted to again.
Didn’t stop me fantasising about it though.
Eventually, my vibrating phone had me dragging my horny arse from the sofa to my desk. After a while, my mind focused on the work coming in, getting into the swing of what my clients needed.
Unfortunately for me, I got through my to-do list far quicker than expected. Less than an hour had passed before I was staring at my blank screen, wracking my brain for another task that could keep me busy.
When nothing presented itself, and without Zeke to distract me, my mind drifted over to the bond. Could I really tie myself to Zeke for eternity?
‘ You’re not good enough for him. ’
He thinks I am.
‘ That’s because he hasn’t spent enough time with you yet. When he has, he’ll regret mating with you. ’
No, he won’t.
‘ He only wants you because of fate. He didn’t choose you. ’
Yes, he did. He wanted me before he even knew I was his mate.
‘ He was going to break up with you before he found out you were his mate. ’
Why I insisted on arguing with my intrusive thoughts was beyond me. I knew better than that. But my mind was exhausted with all the new knowledge it’d absorbed. The changes I’d had to accept over the past twenty-four hours were greater than anything I’d had to deal with before.
The walls between me and my OCD were thinner than ever, and it was taking every advantage to push through them.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to picture them like balloons, floating past. Watching them disappear with disinterest.
It didn’t help.
Okay, new tactic.
Grabbing a notebook and pen, I wrote down my fears on one side of the page, adding counter-arguments on the other.
When I was finished, the intrusive thoughts were even louder than before.
Throwing down my pen in frustration, I leaned back in my chair and tugged at my hair. Fuck, I needed to get my arse back into therapy. Not that the NHS could offer me anything new, but this was ridiculous.
Maybe it was time to research how much a private therapist would cost. I had some savings, and I could always take out a loan to cover it. I hated being in debt, but there came a point where I needed to prioritise my mental health.
I suspected this was that point.
But how would I even explain all of this to a human psychiatrist? Hey, my immortal angel boyfriend wants me to be his eternal mate, but I’m worried I’m not good enough for him?
I’d end up on a psych ward before the session was even over, and not for any of the reasons my OCD gave on a daily basis.
Letting go of my hair, I glanced around me. The room had felt perfectly normal when I’d come in earlier, but now, the walls felt a little closer. The lights a little dimmer. The fireplace a little bigger. The silence too loud.
Too much. Not enough.
My fingers started to tingle.
Fucking great. That was just what I needed on top of everything else—a sodding panic attack.
Not today, I told myself firmly, getting to my feet. I’d realised what was happening early enough that I could try to curtail it. I needed to get outside. The cold, fresh air would ground me, while a brisk walk would burn off the adrenaline. Being in an open space would stop the claustrophobia, and the distant sounds of the city would give me the right level of noise.
‘ See? Who needs therapy. ’
“I fucking do,” I muttered out loud. My OCD wasn’t shaking off the idea of help that easily. A walk in the fresh air might work, but only as much as putting a bandage over a wound that needed stitches. The bleeding would slow, but it wouldn’t solve the issue.
Not that my OCD could be solved, but surely there had to be better options than the ones I currently had at my disposal.
I stepped out of the hallway and paused. Zeke’s meeting was right at the other end of this ridiculously sized house. He hadn’t told me I shouldn’t go outside, but was I supposed to let him know?
‘ What if you do that and everyone thinks you’re weird? He’s not your keeper or your dad . They’ll think it’s odd if you interrupt their meeting. ’
There was too much logic there for me to argue with. Instead, I turned in the opposite direction, heading for the back of the house. It wasn’t like I was going to go far, just do a brisk lap around the garden.
Look at me, taking the advice I’d given someone else. That had to be a first.
The cold wind was a welcome relief as I stepped outside. I drew in a deep breath, feeling it go all the way into my lungs.
Yes. This was a good idea.
As much as I fucking hated cardio, except sex of course, it was good for me. I mean, it was good for everyone, but it especially helped when I was anxious. I knew that, but it didn’t encourage me to work out regularly.
I paced for the edge of the woodland. Stepping inside, I let the sound of the wind in the branches mix with the distant traffic until it became a comforting blanket of white noise.
My mind finally quieted, my rationality taking the forefront once more. I could agree to being Zeke’s mate. What was more, I wanted to. It was scary, but pretty much everything scared me. At least in this situation, I’d be getting things out of it. Things better than anything I’d had before. Love. Happiness. Security.
Zeke was offering me all of them.
And I was going to accept.
I was going to accept him.
A laugh broke free as I shook off the shackles of my fear. I was going to do this. I was going to be his, and he’d be mine. Gloria could take her threats and ultimatums and fuck off. She wasn’t going to hold me over him.
Like fuck was I letting that happen another minute longer.
Resolved and grinning, I spun on my heel to head back to the house. Before I could take a step though, a figure stepped out from between the trees.
A beautiful woman, with flowing blonde hair stood serenely before me. She smiled, and I’d never seen anything more terrifying.
I knew who she was without needing to ask. What she was. Some buried part of my psyche was screaming at me to run.
I couldn’t move though. She tilted her head at me, her smile growing wider.
“Hello, Sam.”