Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
“Have a good night,” the waiter says with a polite smile as we finish paying our bills, and he leaves the table.
I shove my wallet into my back pocket and cast a glance at Arthur. His hands fidget in his lap, his fingers tangling and untangling as his eyes flit towards the door every few seconds like he's desperate for escape.
“I better get some sleep tonight,” Jason says, rubbing the back of his neck as he stretches. “It’s getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed for work.”
“You have the option to work at home though,” Mike says as he pulls his sweater on. “Do it.”
Jason shakes his head with wide eyes. “I love my wife, and I love my son… but no. There’s no way I'd get anything done.”
Greg nods in agreement, but my focus shifts back to Arthur next to me. It’s like he’s not even here anymore. Like his body is present but his mind is somewhere else. His withdrawal gradually started the moment we arrived here, but now…
I suppress a sigh as we all get up from our seats to leave, hating that I didn’t see this coming. I should have, because I knew this was too much, too fast. He’s been so overwhelmed this whole time, and I couldn’t help him.
I failed him.
“It was great meeting you, Arthur,” Jason says warmly as he smiles at him.
Arthur’s head snaps up, and he nods stiffly, forcing out a quiet, “You too.”
Jason catches my eye, and gives me a soft, knowing nod. And as difficult as I know this was for Arthur, I also know my friends are understanding.
As Jason, Mike, and Greg head out, Mike gives me a quick pat on the shoulder. “See you tomorrow, bud.”
“Yeah.” I manage a smile. “See ya.”
I take my time getting my sweater on to give them a head start, so we don’t have to run into them again as I gently guide Arthur out of the pub.
As we head out into the darkness, I can feel the weight of Arthur’s silence beside me while we walk to my Jeep. His eyes stay fixed on the ground as he keeps his head down, and the guilt that has been gnawing at me since the beginning of the night now settles over me like a thick fog.
He doesn’t even look at me, and I don’t blame him. I basically threw him into the deep end, even though I knew it would be hard for him. I don’t blame him one bit if he’s pissed at me… I deserve it.
The drive back to my house is quiet while Arthur stares out the window, and his hands continue to fidget in his lap. And all I can do is grip the steering wheel tight as my mind whirls with what I could even say. How do I even begin to apologize for putting him in that situation? It was so obvious the entire night that he just wanted to leave. And yet, he stayed. And I let him. I didn’t even know how to help him.
When we pull into my driveway, Arthur is out of the Jeep before I can even turn off the engine. He stands awkwardly in the driveway as I get out and stand before him, and his gaze drifts towards his own car. The moon provides us with the only source of light out here, and it perfectly highlights his tousled hair, glasses, perfect cheekbones… and slumped shoulders. My heart sinks as I take in his closed-off posture.
He wants to leave.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, and his eyes stay glued to the ground. “I… Thank you for trying. I’m sorry I made it so hard for you.”
I blink as I’m taken aback by his words . “What?” I ask, not sure what he’s apologizing for.
Arthur glances back at his car again with a look of something like disappointment on his face. But… it doesn’t seem to be directed at me.
And that makes me feel even worse.
“You’re better off without me,” he says quietly.
My chest tightens as I stare back at him. “Why?”
His gaze flicks towards me, and I catch the sadness in his eyes before he quickly looks away. “I ruined everything tonight,” he says in a soft voice, tight with emotion. “I understand if you don’t want me to come around anymore.”
Those words nearly break me.
He thinks he let me down. But he didn’t. I let him down.
“You didn’t ruin anything, Arthur,” I say as I step closer to him.
He doesn’t respond as his eyes stay locked on the ground between us, and his jaw works as he chews on the inside of his cheek.
“I know it was too much,” I say softly, watching as the breeze gently ruffles his hair. “And I didn’t know how to make it better. I could see how overwhelmed you were, and I just… didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to draw attention to you, an d when I touched your back…” I trail off, noticing him flinch slightly.
No one has ever understood him. And I don’t think anyone has ever taken the time to try to understand him. He thinks that because this didn’t go well, I’m done with him, and this is over.
But it’s not.
“I’m not done with you,” I say.
His eyes finally lift to meet mine, and even in the darkness, I can see the uncertainty in them.
But I just smile and take another step closer. “We’re still figuring each other out. And tonight…” I trail off, pausing to breathe in the crisp evening air and listen to the soft rustle of leaves in the breeze and the faint chirp of crickets. The calm and peaceful feeling of nature wraps around us, reminding me that this is exactly where we belong. “That was my fault. If I could do it over again, I would have had them over for a quiet barbeque here instead. I’m sorry, Arthur. I wasn’t thinking.”
“But you like going out,” he says quietly, his eyes shifting to the trees gently swaying in the breeze.
I shrug. "Sometimes. But,” I tilt my head, observing him as the movements of nature seem to bring him some peace as well, “we have our own thing. I like quiet too, remember?”
His gaze slowly slides back to me, and a comfortable silence settles between us, filled only with the beautiful sounds of our world around us.
“Your friends are nice,” he says.
I nod. “Yeah.” Then I take a deep breath in, ready to just go for it. “I wanted you to meet them for a reason… But Mike kind of ruined it.”
He chews on his lip and looks down at his feet. “His wedding?”
I let out a soft sigh. “Yeah. I was going to ask if you would come with me. ”
Arthur nods and turns his head towards the dark pasture. “But you changed your mind…”
“No,” I shake my head, “I didn’t.”
His forehead scrunches as he flicks his eyes back to me, and I realize how it must have looked to him tonight.
“I wanted you to meet Mike, Greg, and Jason first, so you would know some people there,” I explain. “And tonight, when Mike brought it up… it wasn’t the right time to ask you. So… I subtly told him to shut the fuck up.” I let out a soft chuckle, but it doesn’t seem to ease the worry in Arthur. “I still want you to come. But I understand if you don’t want to. I know tonight was hard, and I really appreciate that you tried.”
Arthur is quiet for a moment as he stares out at the field. “That’s your life,” he says.
I nod. “Yeah,” I say quietly, worried once again about where this is going. My heart thumps as I watch him, and wait.
“I don’t fit in your life,” he says eventually, and now my heart feels like it’s stopped.
But no. This isn’t the end.
I won’t let him think he’s anything less than extraordinary. Because he is. Everything about him is unique and special, and he deserves so much more than he's ever been led to believe. I can see it in his eyes, and the way he’s ready to pull away, that he’s used to people doing the same to him when things get tough, and the world doesn’t understand him.
But I’m not going anywhere. And in this moment, right now, I vow to show him just how damn important he is.
“Yes, you do,” I say gently as I hold out my hand.
He looks down at it, and his fingers twitch by his side.
“My life…” I start, my voice soft as I search for the right words, “it may be chaotic at times. But that chaos doesn’t mean anything without the quiet to balance it out. I need what you bring to my world.” The warm breeze gently blows over my sk in, bringing a smile to my lips as it brings me back to every peaceful moment Arthur and I have shared. “You see the world differently, and you notice things no one else does. The way the light hits the water, the way the wind rustles the trees… and you make me see it too.” I nod towards the dark fields around us, as the stars sparkle overhead. “It’s out here, in these quiet moments, where we found each other. And that’s what really matters.” I watch him as he keeps his eyes on my outstretched hand. “You’re Arthur… and that’s all I need.”
He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, and his eyes glisten.
Then he reaches out and places his hand in mine.
Relief floods through me as I take the final step into him, and gravel softly crunches under my feet. The warmth of his skin against mine urges me to feel even more of him, and I lift my other hand to gently tilt his chin up. But I don’t need him to look me in the eyes, and I understand when he doesn’t. I just need him to hold his head a little higher, and stand a little taller. He deserves to feel the strength I see in him, and to know his worth.
“There’s a story I heard once,” I say softly as my eyes roam over his beautiful face. “About the Firefox from Finnish mythology. It lives deep in the woods, hiding away from everyone. And very few are said to have seen it.”
His eyes land on my lips, and I smile softly as I continue. “It’s dark during the day, and twinkles with fire at night. And when the Firefox runs across the snow, its tail causes sparks to fly into the night sky, creating the Northern Lights.” I run my thumb over his bottom lip. “And when the Firefox's skin is brushed in just the right way… it glitters.”
His chest rises and falls with a deep breath, and his grip on my hand tightens.
“The Firefox is highly sought after by hunters, because if they catch it, they’ll be rich for the rest of their lives.” I squeeze his hand back and let my smile grow. “You make me feel pretty damn rich, Arthur.”
He lifts his gaze, and the soft moonlight catches in his bright green eyes, which now meet mine with an intensity that makes my breath catch. As he stares deeply into my eyes, I open myself up to him, giving him everything I have to offer and showing him every part of what this could be, hoping he'll take it.
“Will you be my Firefox?” I ask quietly, my voice barely louder than the soft breeze around us.
Arthur’s eyes flick between mine, and the corner of his lips slowly lift with just a hint of a smile that makes my heart race. And when he nods, I pull him tight against me and press my lips to his. His arms wrap around me, a bit hesitant for a moment… but soon he’s holding me tight.
And then I feel it. His sparks softly come to life, slowly growing until there’s a fire inside of him, illuminating the darkness around us in a way that’s so beautiful, rare, and powerful. It feels like light is dancing around us, swirling with the strength I knew was in him all along.
Like the Firefox, he’s been hiding. But now that his fire is burning bright, I will never, ever, let anyone dim that light.