Chapter 19
NINETEEN
“Stay with me tonight?”
I gaze into Trevor’s eyes, the soft glow of the moon highlighting his features as he holds me tight. A warm feeling floods through me, filling spaces I didn’t even realize were cold.
Tonight was hard. I thought he was going to tell me it was all over, and tonight was the last time I would see him. The last time I would see Neville and the bird, and feel at peace here in his farmhouse and out on trails with him.
Instead, he tells me I’m strong, and that he needs and wants me in his life. He makes me feel like I belong, and like I matter.
He could have easily said I’m not for him… but he didn’t.
He chose me.
He’s choosing me… and he’s not asking me to change.
My familiar nighttime routine flashes through my mind as I consider his request, and I feel a fleeting pull towards it. To double-check that my photos from today are uploaded, culled, and backed up. To brush my teeth with my toothbrush, and get into bed with my pillows and blankets arranged just how I like them.
But as I stand before him and look into his eyes, I just nod.
Because he makes me feel like I can do anything. And I’m not ready to leave him yet.
A smile spreads over Trevor’s lips as he leans in, and kisses me again. Warm tingles ripple through me, then he takes my hand and leads me up the walkway to his house. The second we step through the front door and he flicks on the light, Neville appears.
“Hey, bud,” Trevor says with a chuckle as Neville waddles towards us and starts grabbing at our pant legs. Trevor then bends down to pick him up, and I just watch, fascinated by their relationship and the way this wild animal is so docile and domesticated. Neville, a raccoon, is sprawled on his back in Trevor’s arms like a baby while his small paws search and explore, like always.
“Would you like another beer?” Trevor asks.
I glance up at him, then back to Neville as he grabs at each one of Trevor’s fingers, like he’s looking for something he might be hiding in his hand. When he finds it empty, he pulls at his shirt and climbs up to his shoulder. I nod, watching Neville reach into Trevor’s shirt and then gently nibble on his ear.
Trevor smiles, then grabs Neville from his shoulder and sets him on the floor. “Take a seat,” he gestures to the living room, “I’ll grab them.”
As he heads for the kitchen, I follow Neville as he waddles ahead of me into the spacious living room, my eyes sweeping over the sectional couch, the TV on the wall, the array of toys scattered across the rug, and the large wooden structure in the corner that looks like a cat tree.
But nerves are starting to creep back in and my heart starts to race as I realize, once again, that I don’t know what I’m doing. How do I do this? Are we going to sit and talk? Watch TV? Watch Neville? What will we talk about? I haven’t read much more of the book since we talked about it last so I don’t really have anything new to share about it… Should I tell him about the photos I took today? Will he want to know?
Where should I sit?
My eyes scan the large couch again, and the chair in the corner. But before I can start dissecting each option, a rustling sound draws my attention back to the rug before me.
Neville is holding a wooden cube in his paws, with holes all over it. He reaches into one of the holes and pulls out a rag and crumpled paper, bringing it to his nose to sniff.
“Here you go,” Trevor says, coming up beside me and holding out a beer.
I take it, but my eyes stay glued to Neville as his paws work frantically at the cube, sniffing each rag he pulls out before tossing it aside. His movements are both rushed and calculated, and there’s something oddly soothing about the way he works.
Trevor laughs softly. “I hide food in some of the rags. Keeps him engaged and mimics the wild. As much as we can anyway, considering his plush lifestyle.” He gestures towards the toys and the climbing structure with a smile, then picks up a stick with a jingling ball attached. “He also loves this.”
Neville immediately abandons the cube, launching himself towards the dangling ball with a surprising burst of energy. A laugh bubbles out of me as he rolls onto his back in a flurry of fur and limbs, his chubby body trying to keep up with his wild instincts. It’s messy, uncoordinated, and chaotic… but I like it.
Trevor turns to me with a smile playing on his lips. When our eyes meet, his gaze drops to my own smile. “He also loves to play fetch,” he says, sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He gestures for me to sit next to him, and holds out a ball. “Roll this across the floor.”
Neville’s eyes are fixed on the ball as I sit next to Trevor and take it from him. His whole body is tense with anticipation as he watches me, and waits. And when I roll the ball, I think it’s the fastest I’ve ever seen him move. He runs, pouncing on it with his front paws before spinning in circles and wriggling with excitement. The sound of his squeals fills the room, and I laugh. A real, unburdened laugh that I haven’t released in a long time. Every ounce of discomfort that may have been lingering completely fades away, and joy takes over.
“Bring it back,” Trevor calls, and Neville quickly gets up, nudging the ball back towards me.
Then, he crawls into my lap, nudging my hand with his nose, and… purrs?
I glance at Trevor in surprise. “Is he…?”
Trevor just smiles. “He’s happy.”
I look down at Neville as he coos and makes his trilling sounds in my lap. My hand runs along his soft back, and I take in the feeling of his silky fur under my fingers as the weight of him pulls me deeper into a feeling of ease.
Until he suddenly crawls out of my lap and takes off to his climbing structure.
Trevor chuckles and takes a sip of his beer. “He has a nighttime routine, and the climbing part of it has just commenced. He’ll be at that for a while.”
I smile as Neville jumps from one platform to another. He has his routine, just like me. But there’s something else about him that I seem to find both intriguing and comforting… something that’s wild yet tamed. He’s content in his patterns, but he’s always open to more. I think, in a way, we share an understanding that comfort can be found in repetition. And maybe he’s showing me that I can still crave the unknown.
Trevor chuckles as he watches Neville, and I glance at him. His arm rests on the couch behind me, and I feel a pang of guilt as I think of earlier this evening, when I flinched away from him. He’s not touching me now, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
Because I’ve never liked it when people touch me. But right now… I’m surprised to find myself wishing he would.
I take a drink of my beer, watching Neville continue to climb and jump. But I glance at Trevor again when he chuckles at Neville nearly missing a jump, and the need to say something bubbles to the surface.
“I don’t like people touching me,” I say quietly.
He turns to look at me and his eyes dart to his arm resting on the couch behind me.
“But…” I pause, letting my eyes slide back to Neville as I gather my thoughts, not even sure what it is I want to say to him. “I like holding your hand.”
“I do too,” he says softly.
My gaze shifts back to Trevor, and I look into his amber eyes, taking in the flecks of gold in them, and the easy smile on his lips.
“And…” I say, tilting my head towards his arm behind me. “I like it when you… hold me…”
His eyes sparkle as he slowly slides his arm around my shoulders. I take a deep breath in, but it’s not from feeling uncomfortable or needing to get away.
It’s comfort.
The weight of his arm resting on my shoulders sends a rush through me, and a sense of security settles over me… the kind I’m always searching for but rarely find. His fingertips brush against the sleeve of my hoodie, tracing soft, aimless patterns over my arm. My eyes drop to watch as I brace for the usual surge of discomfort, when light touch ignites every nerve, feeling sharp and unbearable, like my skin is too tight.
But it doesn’t come.
With Trevor… I like it.
He lifts his other hand to the side of my face, and his thumb traces my jawline. “This ok?” he asks.
I nod, my heart thumping faster as I look into his eyes, and I lose myself to the warm feeling of his touch. He leans in, and when his lips meet mine, it’s like my entire body exhales.
Kissing him feels like I’m giving into something that’s been waiting inside me, something that I’ve never allowed myself to feel. Something I’ve never wanted to feel before. But as his tongue slides against mine, and his grip on me tightens, I want more. My hand finds its way to his leg, like my body is moving on its own, and no longer mine to control while my mind drifts into the background and I just get lost in the moment.
Trevor’s hand moves from my face, trailing down my arm before resting just above my hip. My breath quickens as my focus narrows on the feeling of his hand against me, the way his arm holds me close, and the pressure of his lips still on mine. My heart thumps, hard and fast, as his hand moves slowly upward, until it’s resting over my chest.
He pulls back just enough for our lips to part. “Want me to stop?”
And somehow, my heart beats even faster.
“No,” I whisper, even though a wave of anxiety blooms in the pit of my stomach, spreading through my chest and tingling out to my fingertips. My heart is still racing, and I don’t even know what I want from him. But whatever he’s doing… I want more.
Trevor slowly runs his hand down my chest and over my stomach until his fingers run along my belt.
The nerves are almost overwhelming as they continue to grow inside me, but it’s paired with something else that’s just as strong. A quiet, but undeniable curiosity, and a need to experience this with him. To dive deeper into this seemingly endless well of need I’ve been feeling around him, as he draws me out of the shadows and into the light, revealing the world I’ve always hidden from. And the more he shows me, the more I want to explore it. With him.
And I know I can trust him.
“I’ve never…” I whisper against his lips, my breath catching as I feel his fingertips against my skin over my hip.
Trevor nods gently. “I know. Tell me if you want me to stop.”
This should be too much. I should want him to stop. He’s touching me in a way no one ever has, kissing me, holding me… but it’s not too much. It feels good, and I want it.
So I shake my head. “I don’t want you to stop.”
Trevor pulls back just enough to look into my eyes. His gaze roams my face as a smile slowly forms on his lips. “You’re beautiful, Firefox.”
A rush of air leaves me as I lean forward to close the small gap between us and press my lips to his again. His words echo in my head, the meaning of this name sinking deep into my soul.
He sees me, and he understands.
As his hand slides under my hoodie, I breathe him in and let everything settle. I’m safe with him, and he makes me feel good. And when he slides my hoodie up over my head and his eyes roam over my body, now in just my jeans and t-shirt, I can see how much he also wants this.
I let him pull me in as he kisses me again, the intensity of it mirroring everything I’m feeling in this moment. His hand travels down my body again, and I let mine do the same to him, feeling his hard muscles, and the strength in him. Feeling him under my touch as he takes his time with me, I can’t help but feel lucky that he chose me. He’s patient and understanding, and I feel like that’s rare to find. And I want to give it all back, and open myself up to him .
Trevor’s hand lands on my belt buckle, and anticipation forcefully ripples through me. He must sense it, because he pauses, and breaks our kiss so he can look into my eyes.
But I shake my head and place my hand over his, urging him to continue.
“You sure?” he asks softly.
I nod. “Yeah.”
I can practically hear my pulse in my ears as he undoes my belt buckle, and he brings his lips back to mine in a slow, gentle kiss. And when his fingers graze my now hard dick as he slides my zipper down, the feeling sends a shiver through my body and my breath catches. I feel like I’m on the verge of shaking with both nerves and anticipation, and I try to hold myself together as best I can. But Trevor wraps his arm around me tighter, and that sense of security and control seeps back in.
His fingers run along the waistband of my boxers as his lips move to kiss along my jaw. And when his hand slides into my boxers, the combination of sensations from his lips on my neck and his hand wrapped around my dick sends a rush of warmth and tingles through my entire body. I swear he can hear my heart beating as he slowly strokes me, and hums against me.
Trevor brings his lips back to mine and presses a gentle kiss to them. “You ok?” he asks.
Immediately, my head is nodding. With each stroke up and down, a comfortable and satisfying pressure builds inside me, radiating out from my core to the rest of my body. I feel like I’m melting into him, as walls that I didn’t even know were there come crashing down, and a pleasurable feeling pushes everything else away. My mind is blank, letting my body take over and fall deeper into this new feeling of surrender.
“You feel so good,” Trevor murmurs against my lips, and a moan suddenly escapes me.
He starts to stroke me a bit faster, causing the pressure to build even more and my hand grasps his leg tightly.
“Hm,” he hums, bringing his lips back to my neck again, kissing up to my ear.
Something inside me swells with an urgent need as he gently nibbles the skin there and continues to pump my dick with his hand. And the longer he does this, the harder it is to hold back. Another moan escapes me as my muscles tense, and I feel like I’m ready to explode.
“Let it out,” Trevor says, trailing his lips along my jaw.
And with a couple more strokes, I do. The pressure releases, and a wave of warmth and buzzing electricity rolls over me. Trevor holds me tight against him as he continues to jerk me through it, and the pleasure is overwhelming.
When he eventually pulls his hand out of my boxers, I watch him, trying to catch my breath as he lifts it to his mouth… and licks his finger.
Oh my god.
He smiles, and my eyes immediately drop to his lips.
I want to make him feel good too.
But as I look down at my hand, which is still on his leg, I suddenly feel frozen. I don’t know what to do. He was so good at that, but I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what to do…
His hand lands over mine, bringing my attention back to him. I slowly lift my eyes to his, and he just gently shakes his head.
“You don’t have to,” he says.
But I take a breath in, and nod. “I want to.”
He searches my eyes for a moment, before the corner of his lips tilt up in a small smile.
I glance down, trying to calm the flutter of nerves in my chest, my focus drifting to his hand resting over mine. What if I do this wrong? I want to make him feel as good as he made me feel… But what if I can’t?
Trevor gently lifts his hand from mine to tilt my chin up, guiding my gaze back to him. Then he presses a soft kiss to my lips, like he’s lending me the strength I need, and breathing the fire back into me.
I slide my hand up his leg to find his belt buckle and undo it with shaky fingers. My heart riots as I feel him hard in his boxers, and he lets out a small moan as my fingers graze his dick.
Trevor deepens our kiss and increases his grip on me, giving me the pressure I crave to feel calm and in control. And as I slip my hand into his boxers and find the tip of his cock sticky with precum, his moan vibrates through me as well, pulling my focus completely to him.
“Oh my god,” Trevor mutters against my lips as my hand wraps around him.
I start the same way he did with me, with long, slow strokes. His moans and groans urge me on, telling me that what I’m doing is right, and keeping me in this moment with just him. The sounds he’s making are stirring something deep inside me, and I only want him to make more. So I gather some courage and start stroking him a little faster.
“Fuck, Arthur,” Trevor murmurs with a groan.
A jolt of panic rushes through me. What? Does he want to stop…? Am I not doing this right?
“Oh god, keep going,” he says breathlessly, pressing his forehead to mine. “This feels so fucking good.”
His words immediately push my worries away, and without even thinking, I move my hand faster. His pants of desperation, his urging words, his tight grip on me as he tilts his head back with a moan… it’s incredible.
He’s incredible. I can barely even believe I’m doing this to him, and that he likes it. I can barely believe I’m here at all.
“I’m going to come,” Trevor says, and my gaze immediately falls to his dick in my hand.
He groans deeply as I feel him tense beneath me, and his cock pulses in my hand. I watch in awe as he shoots cum over his abs, and then he lifts his head to bring his lips to mine.
And as I give him everything I have left in this kiss, I find myself not just in awe of this moment… but of him . In every moment.
He’s understanding, accepting, patient, reliable, and strong. He has no problem meeting me where I am, while gently challenging me to take a step further, guiding me forward with my hand in his… all with a smile. He makes me feel safe and wanted in a way I never expected.
I can't quite explain this pull I feel towards him. But I don’t need to.
Because whatever this is, it’s just for us.