Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
The bird pecks at her breakfast of soggy dog food, and I chuckle as I watch her. She keeps a watchful eye over Neville as she eats, but Neville just remains in his corner, eating his own breakfast and oblivious to everything except his food.
Trevor suddenly appears behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. The sudden movement and touch startles me, and I flinch.
But he doesn’t pull back. “Sorry,” he murmurs, holding me tighter instead.
His deep touch seeps into me, and the steady pressure from his embrace eases the tightness in my muscles. As my body softens and melts against his, I can’t help but smile. I’ve never let someone touch me without warning. Or even with warning. But with Trevor, it’s different. I don’t feel trapped or overwhelmed with him. He knows exactly what I need, and it feels good.
He presses a soft kiss to my neck before resting his chin on my shoulder, and he shifts his attention to the bird. “She can start flight conditioning this week after I remove the pin,” he says.
I’m spinning around in his arms before my thoughts can even catch up to me. “This week? Already? What does she need to do? How do you condition her? Can she stay here? Will it hurt her? How do you remove the pin?”
Trevor’s hands cup both sides of my face, and his thumbs gently brush my cheeks as he smiles. “I love your brain, Firefox.”
Everything inside me stills as I stare into his eyes, and his words sink in. Words I’ve never heard before. Because I’ve only ever been too much, or not enough. I’ve been shut down when my thoughts came too fast and loud, or pushed to speak up when I was too quiet. Everyone, except my parents, has wanted me to fit into their mould, and their idea of who I should be, so they don’t feel uncomfortable. But Trevor… He doesn’t want me to hide. He wants me to be me . And he likes it.
“Yes, this week,” he confirms, smiling wide as I struggle to hold back more questions. “I’ll take her to the conservation clinic because she’ll need to go under again to have the pin removed. But it’s an easy process. She handled the first anesthesia like a champ, and she’s crushing it in rehab, so I think she’ll do just fine.” His expression flickers for a moment, as a hint of something that kind of looks like worry crosses his features. “I’ll be honest… I’m surprised. I didn’t want to worry you, but there was always a chance things could have gone downhill, even with a successful surgery.”
My heart picks up its pace, and I glance at the bird as she happily hops around, with no idea how close she came to danger.
“There was always a risk of nerve damage showing up later as she healed, or losing blood supply to the wing,” Trevor continues. “Wild birds require flight, and must have near perfect wing function to survive in the wild. She’s made it through the first part of recovery.”
“And now?” I ask, my eyes following the bird as she flutters under the branch I brought her this morning.
Trevor’s fingers slip under my chin, gently tilting my head up. “Now, we help her strengthen that wing for flying.” He pauses and his smile falters slightly. “She might need to move back to the centre, though. We have flight cages there, and she needs to start exercising.”
The mention of the conservation centre causes a knot to form in my chest. It’s busy, bright, there are people everywhere, and it’s so noisy. Just the thought of going back there has my heart pounding and my palms sweating.
Trevor tightens his hold on me. “Hey,” he whispers, giving me a squeeze. “We’ll figure out a way to make it work. I promise.”
I look into his warm amber eyes, and the storm of thoughts, questions, and worries in my head slowly fades into the background. He always seems to be a step ahead, ready to tackle whatever threatens to pull me under. And I can feel the steady strength he’s offering me. I trust him… completely. And I know I can trust him with this.
“Ok,” I say with a nod.
His lips find mine in a soft kiss, which feels like a gentle affirmation that everything will be alright. Just as I start to relax into it, his phone buzzes in his pocket.
Trevor groans, reluctantly pulling away to check the message. As he does, I glance at Neville, who’s still happily munching away, his little paws gripping his food as he watches us like we’re the entertainment for his breakfast.
Trevor’s chuckle draws my attention back to him, and he glances up at me from his phone. “So, we’re hiking today, right? ”
I nod, a little confused as my gaze flicks to his phone.
“Do you have a place picked out yet?” he asks.
I shake my head as I think back to our conversation, just an hour ago, when we decided to go for a hike. “No, we didn’t pick one yet…” I say cautiously. “I thought maybe Cape Broyle.”
Trevor glances at his phone again. “How do you feel about this?” He turns the screen towards me, showing me a text.
Mike
Yo dude! Was just chatting with Jace and we’re heading to your favourite place on earth. There’s apparently a sick lookoff there so we’re gonna hike it. You and Arthur in? I think G is coming too.
My stomach drops. Trevor’s favourite place? With his friends… My breathing quickens at the crushing memory of the last time we tried that. And if they’re going to Trevor’s favourite place, I really don’t want to ruin it for him.
“They like you,” Trevor says softly, pulling me from my thoughts. “Trust me.”
I meet his gaze, and a feeling that is becoming strangely familiar settles inside me… Comfort. The kind only he seems to be able to bring. He’s seen parts of me I’ve never shown anyone else, and I’ve shared more with him than I ever thought I would. And yet he’s still here, and he’s still choosing me.
Maybe his friends will too. Maybe this time will be different.
So I nod.
Trevor beams, and leans in to kiss me.
As he pulls back, I furrow my brow. “Where is your favourite place?”
He huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes. “It’s not my favourite place. Mike just likes to say it is.”
I watch as he taps out a reply to Mike, still not sure what that means, or where it is. But then he turns his phone screen to me again.
Mike
Sick! See you both in Dildo!
“So, Trev. Does Dildo bring you pleasure?”
Trevor smacks Mike lightly across the back of the head, but Mike just chuckles and shrugs. “Valid question.”
“Fuck off,” Trevor mutters, but I see the small smile on his lips.
I listen to them talk and laugh as we walk along the trail just outside of the small town of Dildo. We’re now about two kilometres into the seven-kilometre hike, and the first of several lookoff points is coming up. I’ve done this hike before, and the predictability of it is bringing me some much-needed comfort, as each familiar twist and turn offers a small reprieve from the anxiety simmering under the surface, threatening to boil over.
The only reason I even managed to get here and meet Trevor’s friends again, was because he held my hand the whole way and told me everything was going to be ok. And somehow, with him beside me, it is. Now that we’re out here, surrounded by the trees, with the soft breeze brushing over my skin, and the golden light filtering through the canopy above, it all feels possible. I let the sounds of nature wrap around me, and glance at Trevor to my left. Knowing he’s within reach, and staying right by my side, eases the knot in my chest a little more. I can do this.
“Well, what about you, Mike?” Jason calls from behind me. “How pleasurable are you feeling right now? ”
Mike turns around to walk backwards, grinning with his arms out wide. “Heavenly,” he says. Then he looks at Trevor again. “I see why you like it so much.”
“You couldn’t handle getting your ass fucked,” Trevor says, swatting Mike’s arm away.
My eyes widen and I glance at Trevor, but they all just laugh.
Wait… what? Does Trevor…?
“How do you know?” Mike cocks an eyebrow at Trevor and turns around, walking forward again. “I bet I’d be good at it.”
“Tell your soon-to-be wife that,” Greg mutters from behind me, and Jason and Trevor chuckle.
“So, Arthur,” Jason says, and my body stiffens as panic rushes through me. Oh no… Please don’t ask me about… that…
“I hope you brought your camera,” he says. “I hear there are some beautiful views along this trail.”
I quickly glance back at him, and he gives me a soft smile.Then I face forward again and take a deep breath. “I did.” I nod stiffly.
Trevor turns his head towards me and I meet his gaze, before my eyes drop to his lopsided smile. And I draw a deep breath in, and release it.
“I’ve hiked this trail before,” I say, finding the courage to tell them what I’ve been thinking for the past sixteen minutes. “There’s a lookoff just up here.”
Mike looks back at me with a smile. “Nice. We got a leg up on this hike now.”
What? Why would we have an advantage on a path we’re all walking…?
Trevor leans in. “You get to show us the things we wouldn’t notice on our own,” he explains softly.
Oh. I lower my eyes, gripping my backpack straps tighter. I should have known that. But I never seem to keep up with these weird sayings people use instead of just saying what they mean. A wave of frustration ripples through me for not getting it.
Trevor’s fingers slip between mine, gently prying them from the straps so he can hold my hand and give me the pressure I crave.
“Is that it?” Greg asks, and I lift my eyes to see the steep, rocky path leading to the lookoff through the trees. It's a tough way up, but the view is worth it.
“Yeah,” I nod, unintentionally squeezing Trevor’s hand tight.
“Fuck me,” Mike huffs, standing at the base of the path with his hands on his hips, staring up at it. “That’s a beast.”
“Now you want a beast? Make up your mind.” Jason shakes his head as he stands beside him.
“Fucking hilarious.” Mike waves him off, and Jason just chuckles.
I watch them, still feeling completely out of place. Their conversations move so fast, with words bouncing between them like a ball I’m supposed to catch, but can’t. I’m constantly on the outside looking in, watching, but not able to participate. The jokes, their quick back-and-forth… They make it look so easy. But by the time I grasp what they’re saying, they’ve already moved on. And I’m left in the dust, struggling to keep up.
“Want to lead the way?” Trevor asks me quietly.
I meet his gaze, and take in the soft look in his eyes and the warmth of his hand in mine. I want to be able to do this for him. And while this time is easier than the last, being out here in such a peaceful place, I still wish I could keep up. And those whispering thoughts are becoming louder the longer we’re out here. Eventually, they won’t want to wait for me. They’ll want to go at their own pace, and leave me behind.
I’ll be deadweight, dragging Trevor down with me.
But I push it all down as best I can, nodding as I reluctantly let go of Trevor’s hand and start up the path. Trevor follows close behind, then the others. With each step over rocks and under branches, I try to keep my worries at bay, wondering if there’s any way I can make this better.
It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to fit in. But I want to now.
When I reach the top and the view opens up before me, I stop and let my eyes sweep over it. The rocky cliffs drop off into the sea, and colourful fishing boats dot the harbour below. Brightly painted houses line the shore, and a flock of Terns circle over the moss-covered rocks nearby as their calls cut through the quiet air. The sky is a clear, brilliant blue, and the sun shines bright, turning the ocean's surface into a glittering expanse of countless tiny crystals.
Trevor emerges from the trailhead behind me, breathing hard. “Damn. That’s a tough one.”
“Oh my god,” Mike wheezes as he stumbles to a stop, bending over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath.
Jason and Greg come up next, and Jason shakes his head at me, wiping his forehead. “Are you part mountain goat or something?”
Greg chuckles and grabs his water from his backpack.
“Why would I be…” I start quietly, glancing at Trevor.
He laughs breathily, gesturing to the others, who are still catching their breath. “They just wish they were as fit as you.”
“Damn right.” Jason extends his fist towards me, and I stare at it for a moment before cautiously bumping mine against his.
“I hike a lot,” I say with a small shrug.
“We can tell,” Mike says with a wink, then turns to the view with a low whistle.
I glance around at everyone taking in the view, and my hands itch to grab my camera. But I hesitate and grip my backpack straps. I don’t take photos with other people around. It feels… different.
“Go ahead,” Trevor says in a soft voice.
I glance at his smiling face, then back at the view. Slowly, I remove my backpack and take out my camera. My fingers tremble as I attach the lens, all too aware of the eyes on me. But as the Terns take flight again, I lift my camera and focus on the scene before me. The graceful movement of the birds becomes the focal point of my shots, while the village in the background remains still, in a quiet contrast to the life unfolding above it.
“The seagulls are a nice touch,” Jason says beside me.
“Common Terns,” I correct him, lowering my camera and watching them fly around with their typical graceful rowing wingbeats. “They’re more slender than a seagull, with long narrow wings and a forked tail. And they’re light grey overall with a black cap.” I grip my camera tighter, and shift my weight between my feet, watching as one lands over a nest. “They’re mostly ground nesters, and they build their nests in the sand or earth, or even pebbles.” I point to the one I’m watching in the rocky sand. “Like they are here. And what’s really cool, is the male and female share incubation for three weeks. Their nesting periods are very important. And,” I bounce on the balls of my feet as my attention completely zeros in on the Terns. My mind is flooding with everything I know about them as details rush in like waves, overlapping and colliding like its all competing to be shared, and I can’t contain it all. “They’re very loyal to their nesting site, so they often return to where they were born. So these ones were likely born here. And now they’re nesting here. But if they feel like their nest is threatened, then they may leave. So it’s a good thing they are far below us.”
There’s a heavy silence, and the excitement that had been bubbling inside me quickly fades away. Because they didn’t ask to hear all of that. Now they think I’m weird, and are probably giving each other those looks people do when they want me to stop and don’t know what to say. So I keep my eyes locked on the birds so I don’t have to see it.
“Um…” Mike’s voice breaks the silence. “ That’s fucking cool. They return to the exact same place? Do other birds do that too?”
I glance up at him, surprised to see him looking at me with wide eyes, like he genuinely wants to know.
“Yeah… swifts and swallows do,” I say, shifting my gaze to Trevor, who just smiles softly at me. “And Bald Eagles use their nests generationally, so the next generation of birds will find the nest again and add on to it.”
Greg nods thoughtfully. “There was a really big eagle’s nest on my family’s land growing up.”
Trevor, Mike, and Jason all whip around to stare at Greg. I glance between them all, not sure what we’re looking at.
“Oh my god,” Mike gasps and looks back at me. “You… you got him to share something personal .”
My brows lift, unsure what I’m supposed to say to that, and Trevor laughs.
“Alright, you’re a part of the group now. You can’t leave us.” Jason nods at me, then points at Greg. “That’s one tough nut to crack, and you did it.”
A soft chuckle escapes me, and some of the weight lifts from my shoulders. Maybe they’re not going to leave me in the dust after all…
I shift my gaze to Trevor, to see the sunlight dancing in his eyes as he smiles, and looks at me like I belong here. And with him by my side… I’m starting to feel like that’s true.
“So, how many kilometres until the next lookoff?” Mike asks, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
I look around as they all get ready to keep moving. But… we ju st got here. I only took three photos. There’s a fishing boat coming in, and there’s so much more to see and shoot. I hold my camera tight, trying not to get overwhelmed. But the anxiety is simmering again, getting hotter and hotter…
I stiffly reach for my backpack to put my camera away, glancing out at the scene one more time and trying desperately to keep it together.
“Mike, you’re still out of breath, sit down,” Trevor says.
I turn to look at Trevor, and notice he’s the only one who hasn’t put his backpack on. He’s just standing here, looking out over the water with a soft smile.
He meets my gaze. “We could all use a moment to slow down and appreciate this.”
Mike dramatically drops his backpack and releases a large breath. “Thank god. Dildo has already fucked me once today. And I know it’s coming for more.”
“Rest up then,” Jason chuckles as he also drops his backpack, and takes a seat on the grass.
Trevor holds out his hand between us, and without another thought, I take it. He pulls me closer, and lifts an eyebrow, asking a silent question.
And I know this one.
I lean in and press my lips to his, giving him exactly what we both want and need. And everything else fades away, as I melt into his arms.
Right where I belong.