Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
I pull my hood up tighter over my head as I click on the next photo to edit. My eyes roam over the screen, taking in the Great Horned Owl perched on a branch, its wide, golden eyes staring directly into the camera lens. The image is vivid, and possibly one of my favourite owl photos I’ve taken… but I can't focus on it.
I glance away and turn towards the window, releasing a long, slow sigh. My eyes drift to the trees outside, where the leaves swirl lazily in the breeze. Slowly, I shift my head to look at them out of the corner of my eye, letting their spins and twirls distract my mind and dim the constant noise of the last few days.
But the relief it gives me is fleeting. I immediately look at my phone on the desk beside me, and I’m not surprised when I see no notifications waiting for me. He’s at Mike’s wedding today, and he's been doing exactly what I asked. He’s giving me space, and giving me time to sort through everything on my own. It’s what I said I needed. It’s what I always do when I feel this overwhelmed. I stay home, edit photos, and hide from the world until the overwhelm fades. It’s always worked before.
But it’s not working this time. This time, no matter how much I retreat into my safe space… it doesn’t feel like my safe space anymore. And I can’t get out of this feeling of sadness… and longing.
Because I need Trevor.
He’s my safe space now.
My gaze lands on a folder on my desktop, and I hesitate as I move the cursor to hover over the name I’ve given the folder.
My Guide.
I open it, and all the photos I’ve taken of Trevor appear.
I click on the first one, which is also the first one I ever took of him the day he texted me about the Black-throated Blue Warbler. I changed my plans to go see it… and I think I went to see him too. I had never done anything like that before. I take in the vivid green trees framing the shot, as Trevor stands in a clearing and the sun shines down on him. Before this photo, I had never photographed another person before, or hiked with anyone else. But… even then, at the very beginning of us, I knew there was something special about him. When he told me that quiet company was the best kind, and that he liked talking to me. For the first time in my life, I actually felt understood. He came into my life silently, gently, and settled into a space I never knew existed. And he brought me into that space with him, where I learned what comfort truly is.
I click to the next photo, of Trevor hiking ahead of me on Cobbler’s Path, with his strong back and shoulders outlined against the jagged cliffs where the waves crash below. I invited him out that day, not knowing exactly what it was… but I knew I wanted him there. He asked about my interests, like he genuinely wanted to understand me. And I asked about his. I wanted to know, and I needed to know him . He talked about wanting to be wild, to live with the strength and resiliency of the wildlife we love, and to have the strength and courage to face everything that comes his way, while still holding on to peace. But he does that every day.
And he told me I was wild too.
The next photo brings a small smile to my lips as I look into Neville’s masked eyes, while he sits in the tall grass by Trevor’s big red barn. He holds a stick in his hands like he’s claimed it for himself, and he’s proud to show it off. He’s chaos and comfort all wrapped into one small package, and I never thought I’d have such an unpredictable source of peace in my life.
Everything in me stills as I click on the next image, and I stare at the screen, confronted with my own reflection.
It’s the photo Trevor took of me the night he first stayed over and found my camera in my room. He took it from me after I took his photo, and he didn’t change the settings. I remember the way my heart lurched and panic surged through me because it wouldn’t turn out. But the shadows and light all seem to blend perfectly… and I barely even recognize myself. I’m sitting over Trevor’s hips, with a smile that looks so… free . I look light, like nothing is weighing me down, and I could just float away at any moment.My eyes are locked on him, and there’s something in them… something I know I’ve felt with him, that has only grown stronger every time I see him. And now that I see it written all over my face, I know what it is.
It’s love.
I love him.
I push my hood back off my head and lean forward as I click to the next photo. The one I took of him just before he took mine. His smile is easy and his eyes are soft and understanding, like he’s seeing right into my soul, and every part of me I’ve always kept hidden. Those eyes I can get lost in so easily, even though it’s so painful and uncomfortable with anyone else. But with him, it’s safe, it’s comfort, and it’s home.
A sense of urgency rises in me as I click to the next image, and a warm feeling flows through me. It’s the photo Trevor took of us in my bed, after he pulled me down for a kiss. The picture is blurry and out of focus, and we’re caught in the corner of the frame. It’s the kind of shot I’d quickly delete, but…
It’s perfect.
It’s us.
There’s something about the way the photo captures that transition, from chaos to focus, and from uncertainty to certainty, that just feels right. Despite the composition, we’re still the focus, drawing the eye right where it needs to be.
And we’re smiling.
I stare at the photo a moment longer, and suddenly everything begins to clear. The buzzing in my head fades, and the pressing weight on my shoulders lifts.
I’m happy. We’re happy. Together.
I’m not holding him back. And he’s not going to realize I’m too much and leave me. He’s told me that all along, but I don’t think I really understood it until now.
His words echo in my head, as I think back on everything he’s said to me… How his chaos needs quiet, how I help him see the world differently, and that I’m all he needs.
I’m his Firefox.
I have been there for him. He’s slowed down and found peace. I’ve watched him smile more and breathe deeper, like he’s finally living that wild, free life he’s always wished for. I helped him find that.
And I know he’s always going to be there for me… because he wants to be. Not because he needs to be.
I don’t want to be alone in this world anymore. I don’t want to hide, and I don’t want to face the hard things in life without him.
I want to live in the world we’ve created. With him.
My eyes shift to the tab on my screen with my email, and my fingers twitch over the trackpad. I click on it and scroll to the last unread email from Newfound Tours.
My heart thumps as I stare at it, and I take a deep breath.
Then I click on it.