Chapter Fifteen
James
I can’t help wondering how things are going with Colton and Nash.
It means a lot to me that he asked Nash to go.
I think Nash needs someone in his life, and he’s not ready for that person to be me, and honestly, I’m not sure how good at it I’ll be.
The truth is, it had never even crossed my mind to ask if Nash wanted to play basketball with me.
I’d just bought the ball and expected him to go.
“Do you need anything?” Hannah sits beside me, holding out another bottle of water.
“This is good. Thank you.” I look over at Sadie, who is smiling and talking to Tasha as she braids her hair.
“It was good of you to bring her here.”
“She looks happy,” I reply, something I’d like to try and make sure happens even more.
“Tash is great with kids, and getting your hair done always makes a person feel good. We’re going to get a little gift bag together with some products and a silk bonnet. She needs to sleep in it every night, all the time.”
I nod, then pull out my phone and go into the Notes app, adding silk bonnet. “Is there anything else I should know?”
Hannah smiles before telling me more about Sadie’s hair texture and what’s good for it as I add all that into my notes. I feel silly doing it, but it’s important to me to get it right. I hate that along with everything else she didn’t do for us, Sandra let this go as well.
“Thanks, Hannah. I know I keep saying that, but I really appreciate this.”
“You’re doing a good job, in case no one’s told you.”
Sir has, and at first, I don’t think I’m going to share that with her, but then, for a reason I can’t really understand, I want to. “Colton does.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. He’s really the best guy out there. If I weren’t lesbian…”
I chuckle, some of my jealousy dissipating. “He’s a good friend.” That’s not what he was ever supposed to be, but he is. My Sir is the best friend I’ve ever had, maybe the only real one. Worry bubbles up in my gut, familiar but irritating.
“He likes you a lot.”
How do you know? I want to ask but don’t.
“It’s not serious. It can’t be.” Not only because I’m his professor, but because I’d be horrible at a relationship, I have two kids to think about, and Colton is young.
He’s basically as close to Nash’s age as he is to mine and, holy fuck, how have I not thought about that before?
“That’s between you and Colton to figure out, but if you want it to be, I’m sure the two of you will find a way. Relationships are always hard work.”
I nod. She’s right. I know that, but I still don’t believe anything with Colton would ever work out. I’m a forty-year-old disaster.
When I don’t respond, Hannah seems to know I can’t find the words and asks, “Should we check on Sadie?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
Sadie looks up at me expectantly as I approach her. Her hair is in cornrows on the top and sides in a cool diagonal pattern, but falls loose in longer braids behind her head.
“It looks incredible,” I tell both Sadie and Tasha. “I definitely couldn’t do that.”
“You could if someone taught you,” Tasha replies. “But then I wouldn’t get to chill with Sadie, so I think I’ll keep the secret to myself.”
The four of us all laugh. These women are angels, and I don’t know how to thank them enough for everything they’ve given us.
There’s a knock on the glass door, and I turn to see Colton and Nash. Hannah unlocks the door for them, Nash immediately heading over.
“Holy shit. That looks sick,” he tells Sadie.
“Right? I love it so much!”
“She’s the perfect client,” Tasha says. “She gave me free rein to do what I want.”
“I can’t wait to see what you do next time!” Sadie shoots a quick glance at me. “I mean, if there is a next time. I’m sure this is expensive, so it’s okay if there’s not.”
“There will be a next time, kiddo.” I reach out and squeeze her shoulder, which elicits another beaming smile.
“Thank you,” she replies.
“No problem.” I give my attention to Nash. “How was basketball?”
He shrugs. “All right.”
“He beat me two games out of three. He’s fucking good.” Colton turns to Nash. “Are you going to play on the school team this year?”
“I can’t do shit like that.”
“You can play on the team,” I tell him.
“It’s expensive and practices are after school. I have to be home with Sadie.”
Shit. Something else I didn’t think about. “That’s on me to worry about. Not you. If you want to play basketball, you should try out for the team.”
“I can stay by myself,” Sadie adds.
“No,” Nash and I both say at the same time.
I smile.
He scowls.
“We’ll figure it out,” I say. “Can you get me the info for tryouts? Those would usually start in October, I assume?” Which is right around the corner.
“Yeah, fine, whatever. But I don’t even want to play that bad.” Nash puts his earbuds in and finds a chair away from the rest of us. I feel Colton watching me, but I can’t make myself look at him. No matter what I do, it’s wrong, but I’m determined to keep trying.
Tasha finishes Sadie’s hair while Hannah packs her a gift bag with products and the bonnet. They go over hair care tips with her, then Tasha asks me, “Can I give her my number? In case she has any questions.”
I breathe out a sigh of relief, sure I’d screw that up too. “Yes. That would be great. Thank you.”
They exchange numbers, and then I’m paying and they’re hugging us goodbye. Colton has lingered on the sidelines, not saying much. In fact, I don’t think we’ve spoken to each other at all since they got back from playing basketball.
“I’ll walk you guys out,” he says, and I nod.
I want to thank him properly for today. Want to crawl for him, want to get on my knees and suck his dick until he shoots down my throat, then keep it in my mouth all night, just so he knows how much I appreciate him.
Nash is listening to music, both he and Sadie in the car as I stand outside my door, leaning against it, Colton in front of me.
“I know you’re probably worried about entwining our lives more, but can I offer to play ball with him again?” He keeps his voice low, just for us.
I should say no. Saying no would be the smart thing to do, but that’s not what happens. “Yes.”
“Thank you.”
“I should be thanking you.”
“Oh, you will.” He grins. “It’s really fucking hard not to touch you.”
My breath hitches, knees weak. I’m dying for that too. “It’s not part of our arrangement.” It’s one thing to tease about it when we’re having video sex, but touching in real life is off-limits.
“I know, and I know I shouldn’t want to, but I’m also never going to lie to you, so there you have it. I want you, James, and the more I talk to you, the more I want you. I think it’s important you know that. Can I still give my number to Nash?”
I’m breathing too fast, body dying for the exact same thing Colton wants. Why is it like this with him? Why is it now that I crave someone this way? And why him?
I nod.
“Good boy,” he whispers, tossing me his mischievous grin, then bending down and knocking on the back window. Sadie rolls it down. “Hey, Nash. Take my number. Hit me up if you ever want to play ball again.”
I don’t look into the car, but when Colton starts rattling off his phone number, I assume Nash did what he asked.
“See you guys later,” he says to the kids. He starts walking away backward, holding his hand up to me. “Talk soon, James.”
“Yeah,” I reply, in what feels like a trance. “Talk soon.”
Then I clear my throat, get into the car, and drive away.
*
I don’t stop thinking about Colton the rest of the day.
That’s not what we’re supposed to be doing. That’s not what any of this should be about. Our lives are becoming entwined in ways I’ve never had with anyone, ways I certainly shouldn’t be having with my student…who is also my Dominant.
This situation is so out of hand and so inconsistent with who I am that I can’t help wondering what in the hell I’m doing, which sends me into a tailspin and stresses me out even more.
I’m not sure how I feel about any of it, but I know I don’t have it in me to talk to Sir tonight.
It would just mess with my already scrambled brain.
Me: I’m tired and need to go to bed early tonight. Can’t talk.
The second I send the message, I can’t keep my eyes off my phone. He’ll know I’m lying and that I’m all up in my head about this, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t handle this tonight.
DLS: Are you okay?
I don’t reply because I’m not sure that I am okay, and that just pisses me off because I should be fine.
Why does this all seem so easy for him? Why am I the only one who is always all up in my head?
We went from never doing this again to schedules, then to him giving me orgasms during video calls, then to him playing basketball with Nash and his best friend and her partner helping me with Sadie’s hair, all in a matter of weeks.
And a part of me wants more. That’s the scariest thing, and that’s why I need to end it.