Chapter 3
Sage
I had my hand raised and ready to knock on the door when I came to my senses. As badly as I wanted to fix this, I didn’t know how.
I didn’t even know how the fuck this had happened.
One minute I’d been sucking Cash’s dick, desperately trying to make him feel all the things he always made me feel when we came together, and the next minute I’d been watching the woman I’d been obsessed with for the better part of a year get off as she’d watched me getting off.
My limbs began to shake as my body came down from what was left of the natural high that Cash… and Daisy… had given me.
I once again lifted my hand to knock on the door, but paused. I needed to apologize, but didn’t really want to.
Because I didn’t regret what had happened.
I couldn’t.
I’d been dreaming of moments like that from nearly the first time I’d heard Daisy’s voice. It was the same as it had been after the first time I’d met Cash.
Not surprisingly, the second I thought about my long-time lover, the guilt came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. The man deserved so much better, but he’d chosen to be with a fucking basket case who wasn’t worth his, or anyone’s, time.
“Fuck,” I muttered as all the anxiety that Cash had managed to leach out of me just a few minutes ago came back with a vengeance.
I hated that I needed him again so soon.
And not sexually.
No, I relied on Cash for so many more things than sex.
I wasn’t sure he even knew how much I relied on him to keep me grounded.
To keep me moving.
How could he know, you asshole? You won’t fucking talk to him.
I sighed and stepped back from the door. I was tempted to just go wander off into the night, despite the late hour… and my state of undress. But I knew Cash would just come find me and we’d have the same conversation either way.
My skin felt itchy as I returned to our room.
Cash hadn’t bothered to shut the door so I was able to get inside without my key, which I hadn’t thought to grab as I’d rushed after Daisy.
I closed the door and locked it. Cash wasn’t in the main part of the room, but I could hear the shower running.
My gaze fell to the spot on the floor where Cash had held me as he’d fucked my ass with his thick fingers.
And Daisy had watched.
As she’d touched herself.
God, she was so beautiful when she came.
So different from Cash, but just as beautiful.
Cash was hard and unyielding, even when he took his pleasure, while Daisy was soft and open.
The idea of the two of them together – watching Cash work Daisy’s body until all that existed in her world was him – turned me on like nothing else.
Jesus, I really was a sick fuck.
I moved to the bathroom, fully expecting to find Cash in the shower, but instead, he was standing fully dressed in front of the sink, his hands braced on the edges of the small porcelain basin. My stomach fell at the sight of him staring at his reflection, his gaze empty.
No.
Anxiety curled through me as I whispered the word in my head again. Then came the shame.
The bone-deep shame that I wasn’t strong enough to deal with this Cash. He was always the strong one. He always knew the right thing to say, to do. I was the one who got lost in myself and he was the one to always pull me back.
With his words.
Or his touch.
“Cash,” I said so softly, I barely heard my own voice. But he heard me.
He always heard me.
He turned to look at me and I felt a sliver of relief go through me when something sparked in his gaze.
He studied me for a moment, then held out his hand to me.
I took it and happily let him cage me in with his arms so that my ass was pressed against the sink and his hands were resting along the edges, next to my hips.
But when he dropped his head on my shoulder, something inside of me shifted.
Even broke a little.
You can do this.
The voice in my head warred with my brain. I wanted to do this – to give him the comfort he so clearly needed, but the fear that it wouldn’t be enough was hard to shake. The last time I’d tried to be someone’s solace, I’d failed.
Badly.
In the worst way imaginable.
I settled my hand on the back of his neck and wrapped my other arm around his waist. His body sank into mine and he sighed softly, his breath warming my skin.
We hadn’t had many moments like these, but when we did, it was always me taking from Cash.
And usually just holding wasn’t enough, at least not for me.
It was something Cash had long ago accepted about me.
He’d accepted it on the very night we’d met.
Our case had gone bad and while we’d managed to save the twelve-year-old girl we’d been sent to rescue from the guy who’d abducted her, the sight of her lying broken and battered on the bed she’d been tied to had done something to me.
I’d have killed the man if Cash hadn’t stopped me.
By the time we’d gotten back to our motel after we’d gotten the girl some help and had handed the assailant over to the police, I’d been on a downward spiral like none other.
I’d been in the process of trashing my room and taking my fury out on my own body when Cash had practically busted down my door and taken control.
Of me.
Of the situation.
Of everything.
After throwing some cash at the pissed-off motel owner for the damage I’d done to the room and the commotion I’d caused, Cash had ordered me to sit down in one of the only chairs still standing in the room.
When I’d fought him, he’d forced the issue until we were both lying winded on the floor, his heavy body pinning mine to the grungy carpet.
And that’s when he’d known… when we’d both known.
I’d expected him to do what all the other men I’d let use me had done.
I’d been ready for it, willing even. I’d wanted nothing more than for him to roll me over, pull down my pants and shove his cock into me so hard and so deep that the pain would take everything else away.
There’d be no need to hurt the man who’d abducted and brutalized that innocent child or the motel manager for interrupting my rampage or Cash himself for daring to interfere.
Or myself for having failed another little girl who’d needed me to save her.
But instead of fucking me right then and there, Cash had calmly given me an order.
One simple order.
To get on my knees.
I’d obeyed because I’d wanted him to fuck me too badly not to. I’d figured the fact that he was going to shove his cock down my throat first was an added bonus.
But he hadn’t.
He’d done nothing but start putting the room back in order as I’d knelt there, waiting, needing. When I’d relaxed my body so that my ass was resting on my heels, his response had been quick and unbending. He’d coldly told me to get back on my knees and not to move again until I was told to do so.
Something had switched inside of me in that very moment.
Instead of waiting for the dirty pleasure that came with letting him use me and throw me away, a spark of warmth had begun to flare to life deep inside of me – somewhere that hadn’t seen light in a really long time.
But it wasn’t until nearly twenty minutes later when Cash had come to a stop in front of me, gently cupped my jaw and whispered, “Good boy” before stroking his thumb over my mouth that my world had righted itself.
Those simple words.
Good boy.
And I’d been whole again.
Unbroken.
Able to fucking breathe.
No, I hadn’t been foolish enough to believe it would last, but a drowning man surrounded by sharks would still grab a life preserver that was thrown his way, even if it only meant delaying the inevitable.
It had been two years and Cash had been delaying the inevitable ever since.
Only I wasn’t sure he really understood that… that there’d come a day where I fell so far and so fast that not even he could catch me.
Inevitable.
But today wasn’t that day. Today was a day where I needed to stop fucking thinking of myself for once and think of the man who’d spent the last two years throwing me life preservers.
I just held onto Cash as heat and steam began to fill the room. His back was tight beneath my fingers and I could feel his erection pressing against my groin. It didn’t surprise me in the least that he hadn’t taken his own pleasure when he’d made me – and Daisy – come.
“I fucked up,” he finally murmured.
I ignored the sense of panic I felt at the despair in his voice.
“No,” I began, but he cut me off with a nod of his head where it was still resting on my shoulder.
“She’s an innocent. But I… I brought her into our world.”
I’d guessed as much about Daisy and I knew what he was talking about.
The things Cash and I did to one another, the role sex played in our relationship, it wasn’t normal and never would be.
But it worked for us. We didn’t question it, we didn’t regret it, it was just the way it was.
Even the fact that we sometimes brought strangers into the relationship just to play with would have had even the most liberal of people looking at us with uncertainty.
Like we were deviants.
Maybe we were.
But Cash’s need to control me and my need to let him had roots that went so much deeper than sex that it was doubtful that even we truly understood it.
One thing was clear, though. Cash and I were survivors – we’d had to be.
And surviving meant doing whatever it took to hang onto that shred of sanity that was so frayed, it wouldn’t take much to snap it.
Add in the fact that we saw what the dregs of humanity did to one another day after day, that we had to face the very things we’d barely made it through ourselves, and we were more than okay with using our bodies to vent the shit that rattled around in our heads.